DP and his ex inappropriate?

[MargeB]

DP and me been together 9 years this June. He has two boys, 11 and 15 with ex wife. The boys live with her in Basingstoke, about half hour drive from us. I don't talk to the ex wife since she tried to sabotage our Christmas with a mystery illness which she miraculously recovered from when DP drove up there, and interfering in our relationship on and off since the beginning. Just stirring and feigning illnesses to get attention.

DP is oblivious to her meddling. For the past year or so they've been in contact via text nearly every day, not particularly about the kids but just general chit chat, even discussing our problems like wanting a child of our own. I've made it clear I'm not happy with it, but he claims it's entirely innocent and they just get on well. They even go out for drinks together, I'm not invited because I've made it clear i think she's poison and she's made no secret of the fact she dislikes me and thinks my DP can do better. She actually said that!

I understand they have to get on for the kids, but texting every day and going out for drinks occasionally feels wrong to me. It doesn't help that I have little confidence, am overweight and not sure if this is why I'm making an issue out of something that is, I think quite innocent. I've talked to DP but he's made it clear that he's not prepared to cool things down as it's my problem, I'm being controlling.

What hurts is that he knows it upsets me, but he can't seem to stop texting her. He says he misses their chats and feels sorry for her as she's lonely. I told him I don't mind them texting, just not every day. And I don't like them going for drinks. I think it's strange and not something you do with an ex. But he's adamant it's all innocent and they're just friends.

Just to reiterate I have no problem with him chatting about the kids. But it just feels out of order how close they are. And knowing how manipulative his ex is. And I can't stand that he's discussed our personal problems with this woman, especially the difficult conceiving issue. She once said, when we were still being civil, that some women just aren't meant to be mothers, which really hurt. DP just said she says things without thinking.

What can I say that will make DP see that it's killing our relationship. I'm so full of resentment it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm going crazy. DP has no close friends, only work colleagues, and so I feel mean stopping them socializing because he has no close friends to go out with.

Tonight was a breaking point having sat on the sofa all night, trying to have a conversation whilst he was tapping away on his phone to her all evening, I could scream.

There’s definitely something going on between them and probably has been since your relationship started

I don't think that's the case, she has been with him for nine years and says this only started in the last year.

I think you’re a saint to have lasted this long. I would not be ok

He is playing you both.

Your feelings are telling you your boundaries are being crossed and your are being disrespected.

Please don't bring children into this mess. Please. There are lots of genuinely single men out there, you don't have to hurt the family he already has.

you don't have to hurt the family he already has.

Omg 😮 did you just victim blame in broad daylight

Don’t hurt the family he already has?

Truly confused 🤔.

Has is OP doing or risking this?

How*

I wouldnt be having this whatsoever. Hell to the no.
You're worried he will choose her if you gave him an ultimatum... But do you really want to be with a man who would choose his ex over you anyway? I'd be extremely suspicious of this relationship, and I'm not even a suspicious person. It's inappropriate on so many levels. He is disrespecting you, showing you no priority at all. No, just no. Stand up for yourself.

She's just not really his EX, is she? Sounds a lot more like a current, to me.

He's taking the piss, OP.

You need to think about how good you will be going to sleep ALONE not worrying this MF is texting someone else.
Fair enough you have low self steam, however you are not loosing a battle.

This man not good. You letting go, without having a battle. And winning overall.

This man does not deserve you being there for him or his kids. Get out.

It does not matter how many years you have been together. It's a one person relationship now. He is gone, it is his fault.

Let go, do yourself a favour.

Its hard, but let go.

They are having an emotional affair, and it seems to be escalating with the drinks dates and his blanking you for her. I would not say another word to ‘make him see,’ as he will just deny and minimize. He feels entitled to betray you right under your nose, and couldn’t care less that you are uncomfortable with their intimacy.

Gather your strength and walk away now.

Pack his bags and send him home OP.

Do not look back at this TWAT.

Be strong, OP, and tell him to go. It's only a matter of time before he falls into bed with her - if you dump him you'll feel so much better than if he dumps you.

End the IVF.

Walk.

He will never detach and step up.

I have joined this forum today, but I have been reading and benefitting from it for a half-year. I want to just add a message to the OP at this point if that is okay. You are being dreadfully abused by your husband, and to make matters worse have been trying for years without success to have a child with him through in-vitro fertilization. You must be in pain from that long effort already, but to have to doubt with overwhelming reason his commitment to you is just too much to bear. It might be fortunate after all that you and he have not yet conceived in-vitro. You would not want to bring an innocent baby into the kind of non-relationship you have with this man. From what I have read in this forum for a half-year, dysfunctional marriages become virtually inescapable once there are children. And everybody suffers. Please take the time you need to read more about the extreme stresses other women have gone through and described in these threads. The best thing you can do is to prepare yourself to leave this failing marriage yourself, and as someone else suggested stop the efforts to conceive a child with this heartless, indifferent man. You deserve so much better, and you achieve it by setting yourself free to begin a new and better relationship that will reward you in the ways you deserve. One last thing from my own experience: the longer you stay in this situation, being ignored and never honored by this man, feeling dismissed and degraded by his selfish behavior, the harder it will be to regain your selfhood and self-love and indeed your happiness. This can be done, but it requires preparing to walk away from this unhappy 'marriage' and unhappy life before you feel even worse. Best of luck to you. You have a better life waiting for you, dear woman. {ps, would attach a bouquet of flowers icon if I knew how to find the icons here}

This thread is nearly a year old. OP is long gone I would imagine.