After 3 years, I checked his phone

[Tensmum3]

And it was not pretty. This man has absolutely slaughtered me for the whole 3 years with his paranoia. Accusing me of cheating none stop. Calling me a s*g. My friends are s*gs. Even my mums one too!
I've been nothing but loyal and faithful to him. I've never given him any reason to doubt me. It all came to a head last weekend when I took a stand and went out for a drink with my friend. (Have not been out for 18 months due to this controlling bastard). He made it a living hell with his constant accusations. The next day he dragged me by neck from behind and threw me on the floor bruising my knee.
He went out tonight and came back stinking drunk. Falling all over the floor. And thats when I did it. I saw his phone and I thought "I'm doing it". I've never looked at his phone before but for the past few months I've been thinking there must be more to his constant paranoia. And there they were, his sleazy messages to women on social media. Some of whom know me and know we are together. Which makes it all the more embarrassing. I've been down this road before with my ex partner. The total humiliation. The feeling of everybody laughing at me behind my back at my joke of a relationship. I threw him out on his arse and I'm feeling quite on top of the world at the minute but I know this wont last.
I'll probably end up depressed for a long time like I was with my ex.
Why why why did i not see the red flags and run for the hills!
I don't even know why I'm posting, I guess I'm looking for positivity to keep me in the correct mindset going forward which is "F him he doesn't deserve you, you've been through this before and you can come through it again just fine"
There was a lot more to this farce of a relationship that should of been enough for me to run but no. I stayed. To have my self confidence and worth knocked again.
Help me stay positive MNers

I think the key question to ask yourself is why you put up with him verbally and physically abuse you, but flirting with other people was the deal breaker.

What does that tell you about your priorities and how you value yourself?

It is all one sided. I have done nothing to make him think I am unfaithful. I've been anything but.
He'd give the old 'I've been cheated on in the past' excuse. I really dont know how I have been so stupid.
Half of his stuff was taken the day he threw me on the floor. He threw me on the floor because I had asked him to leave as I couldn't handle the verbal abuse.
He told me he was coming for the rest tonight at 8pm. He turned up at 2am. Drunk. Hes been sending me messages this week about being sorry blah blah yadda yadda. When I saw his phone I had to take the opportunity to prove to myself it was him all along being unfaithful. Not that it matters after what he did. I just felt that, mentally, I needed to know. It's hard to explain

It's extremely concerning that this man has abused you physically and verbally for years, has put a stop to your life and it took him messaging other women for you to want to leave him? I'm lost for words.

I would suggest you do some serious work on yourself, get talking to a councillor and get the support you will need to help you make a better life for yourself.

Change your number, or block him, cut all contact and surround yourself with people that truly care for you. Take back control of your life. YOU ARE FREE. Keep saying that to yourself, and begin to value yourself higher. I would suggest you do not pursue any further relationships with other men until you work on yourself and are in a better, happier, confident place.

Well done for leaving this disrespectful violent fool OP. At least you did it. Hold your head up high and go on with your life. 1 man can't break you, especially a man who wasn't even worth having. Do the Freedom Programme. Do stuff you like doing. Take up a hobby if you can. Reinvent yourself. Sit on your hands if you ever feel you want to phone that sleazeball. Write a list of what you do and don't want from a relationship, and stick to that. Self-help books and articles. It will get better one day.

Everything that DeeCeeCherry says. You might also want to block him on your phone and social media.

But I think you would get a lot of benefit out of the Freedom Programme. My only regret is that it wasn't around when I was young.

@tiredmid. Do tell us what you imagine might be the other side of this story.

Remember his actions do not reflect badly on you. You have done nothing wrong. It just makes him look like a creep.
Take time to heal yourself and work out why you are accepting such horrid behavior from a partner.

You did the best thing ever, you go girl. As hard as it may seem right now your woman's instinct has proved you right and never disbelieve that ever. Reading your post was like reading my story 2 years ago. Please trust me when I say that life will be so much better without the constant worry of what he's going to do next, the relief of not walking on eggshells to keep him happy and finally being able to relax will be coming your way very soon. Please listen to Dua Lipa's track new rules. It helped me resist the temptation of taking him back and has aided my recovery no end. Your road to recovery from an abusive relationship has began and there is no looking back

What an awful situation for you to be in, I'm sure you've coped better than most of us would!

You're worth so much more than that dreadful man. Please move on, better things are round the corner.

Dump him and move on

The Freedom Programme

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It will teach you to spot the signs of abusers. You have been the victim of doemstic violence (dragging you by the neck... verbal abuse and control??!!) even if you don't quite recognise it so you might be able to get a referral through your GP or through a women's centre.

I have heard very good things. It is a rolling programme and I believe it will help.

You have done amazing to be so strong, you deserve much better than all this. Keep staying positive like you seem to be at present and move forward to what only can be a better place.

Oh- already mentioned. :) But worth it. I know people who have done it and it has quite literally changed their lives for the better.

Well done for getting rid OP, now you need to make sure you don’t end up in the same situation again.

You say this is the 2nd abusive man you’ve been in a relationship with. I read an analogy about a shark cage on here a while ago that explained why some women end up with abusive partners, it may be worth a read for you. I don’t have the link, maybe someone else does?

You say you have experienced this before with your ex-partner. Please get some counseling before you choose another partner and find out why you choose, and stay with, men who are abusive. You won't find a good person until you believe you deserve a good person.

God the victim blaming on here. There must be more to it! Why didn't you leave!
It's extremely fucking difficult to leave someone who's emotionally abusive and controlling. If someone slapped you in the face on your first date of course you'd leave but it doesn't happen like that ..it's a gradual pushing of your boundaries, slow, torturous manipulation that you can't always see coming.
I know, I lived it for 12 years..it took him pushing me down the stairs in front of my children for me to finally realise I needed to get out. That was my limit. It doesn't matter that your limit was other women. You've reached it and it's time to go.
I genuinely hope you manage to break free from this man.
My advice is no contact with him at all..it's the only way.
I wish you all the best.

Fuck off with your victim blaming bullshit tired.

There is no other side of the story for dragging someone by the neck.

Op he sounds dangerous and I think you should let the police know what's happening incase it escalates.

The phone is the least of your worries, but I sort of get it- I suppose you feel vindicated. Anyway leave and don’t go back, good luck, please stay strong you deserve so much more.

If you have hot rock-bottom, there is only one direction you can go. Ie. Up!

Take care to look after yourself.

@tiredmid what do you think is the other side of the story to dragging someone by her neck, that would make MNers think, "oh right, put like that, that's ok then"?

Well done Tensmum3. You have done really well. Agree with other people that you will feel less alone and more able to respond to him (and others) in future if you do the Freedom Programme. Like the idea of sitting on your hands when you want to phone him. Or perhaps try crochet or knitting?

You mentioned feeling other people were laughing at you behind your back. At least some of these, I am sure, were shocked to read the things he said but felt too afraid or too ‘none of my business’ to call him out. It’s really hard now but take things a day at a time for now and feel proud of yourself for ending things with him.

you have done a good thing and you deserve better! Don't regret for a second

Well done on throwing him out. Hope you're ok and please don't worry about others laughing at you, I used to be like that until I realised that the reason for it was my confidence had got so low from being with an asstwat. You're had a nasty shock you poor thing

Well done op!

But I agree that it is scary that controllingness and even physical assault weren't enough for you to kick him to the curb. Its an odd thing that discovering cheating seems to be the only thing that finally snaps a lot of women to their senses and gets them to leave these horrible men.

I hope you know that none of his prior behaviour was acceptable...or deserved. You need to work actively on yourself and stay firm and away from him. Block contact as much as possible.

Youve taken some awesome first steps :) stay free of this utter twat!

Oh, change all your online passwords just incase! And be careful of mutual friends as he may use them to get info on you.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You'd really benefit from doing the above course. Stay strong.