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Original poster

Help, it just got way more complicated argggghhhhh

31 replies

shahalo · 10/08/2019 02:37

So at the end of last year I started a thread about my mucked up alcoholic FWB love affair, many of you warned me off but I love him and have stuck with him. Anyways he asked me April time if he gave up the women and alcohol would I consider being exclusive to which I said no for two reasons, I'm still not in the right place for a relationship and if he gave up the women/drink I would want him to do it for him not to win me over. We have become closer and closer spending two to three consecutive nights a week together and he has stopped drinking so much. We went on holiday together a couple of weeks ago to the Caribbean. We had the most amazing time earning us the title of most loved up guests from staff and guests daily and our days together at home were just as close. The issue is he is now just seeing, one other woman, who is madly in love with him, writes him pages long letters and desperately wants him to upgrade their relationship to full-time, I've met her but she thinks we are just best friends. (She also thinks he went on holiday to Spain on his own) She is really nice and could be good for him and I'm torn because I don't want to loose him, I genuinely love him and want him to be happy, but also can't give him anymore and feel bad for the woman, even though he says to me it's him that is had and that I shouldn't worry as I have been around for over a year now and they have no future. It might seem like he has his cake and eats it and to a certain extent that's true, but it fits my lifestyle and keeps him busy (I always bolt when men get to needy) so I honestly don't know what to do for the best of everyone. Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 10/08/2019 02:48

What's your dilemma? You are seeing an alcoholic, serial cheater and seem quite happy with the situation.

You don't want to be exclusive, he doesn't seem capable of being exclusive.

He tells lies to the other woman he is seeing and to you. He doesn't seem like much of a catch.

DropOfffArtiste · 10/08/2019 02:50

Oh, and he doesn't love either of you.

Original poster
shahalo · 10/08/2019 03:00

I'm sure he doesn't lie to me as I have open access to everything, see all his messages am there with phone calls live half the week at his house etc. Whether he loves me or not I don't know, I'm not sure alcoholics are capable of love are they? My dilemma is whether to step back now he is one on one with someone for both their sales but my selfishness doesn't want to give him up. I'm a bitch I know.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 10/08/2019 03:03

I think you should cut contact with him for your own sake.

This guy is messing with your head and you deserve better than a liar and a cheat.

Original poster
shahalo · 10/08/2019 03:14

Yes in normal terms I would agree but all the morally decent men I know want traditional relationships and I really really don't but I do want sex and like the level of emotional connection we have. Honestly it would be a hassle to find a replacement that fits however I understand I'm being selfish, my question really is if he has no intention of long term with her anyway should I step back as she could be good for him if given room. Sorry I'm sounding repetitive now, no one seems to get how I'm okay with my side of things which is why I turn to forums in the hope there will be someone out there with similar experience and advice 🤷 thank you for your input though x

OP posts:
Whatwillhappentomorrow · 10/08/2019 03:15

You are not a bitch, no. You are human and life isn't black and white.

He is lying to the other woman and so do you really think they have a good foundation for a relationship? You should advise him to tell her the truth or to end things with her if it is getting serious and he won't stop lying.

As for you as long as you are genuinely happy and you are not waiting for him to change then carry on. He won't change. Just make sure in 10 years time you won't look back and regret wasting your time.

BitOfFun · 10/08/2019 03:21

There will be umpteen cases on here of women who have been strung along by a selfish and unreliable man, don't worry.

Maniak · 10/08/2019 03:22

He says he doesn't want to commit to her, so why do you want him to? That's what I don't understand. Commitment is a decision that he isn't making and you of all people should understand that (?) Also, it sounds like he would be really bad for her. He should tell her the truth. It's awful she's wasting her heart on him.

cordeliavorkosigan · 10/08/2019 03:33

OK I get that alcoholism is a problem, but alcoholics are not capable of love? Really? (are people addicted to nicotine not capable of love either?)
Sounds like this guy is not a catch, you don't take him seriously, he's a serial cheater and is definitely lying to this other woman - do you want to be so loved up with someone who would do that to another person?

Original poster
shahalo · 10/08/2019 03:58

Whatwillhappentomorrow hopefully in 10 years I'll be ready for a relationship and married to wolverine Grin

Maniak honestly because he has actually changed a huge amount in the year I've known him. Only seeing one other girl is unheard of and quite frankly he could do with someone genuine to look after him.

Cordelia honestly I don't know, they say that an alcoholics only live us the bottle, I do think he cares genuinely for me in his own way though.

I just want him to be happy and realise that at this stage I'm not the person who can commit to him full time. If I step back and they split I can always go back I just don't know whether to upset the cart if it is none of my business 🤷

OP posts:
FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 10/08/2019 06:58

You don't want a relationship, so why would it bother you if he is seeing other women? You're talking about being the most loved up, but you don't even want to be in a relationship with him and it's obvious neither of you love each other, it's just convenience.

Just ask him if he wants to be with this other woman and start a proper relationship, if he says yes, then back off and respect his choice. If he says no, then you all may continue your ways. He certainly gets the best of everything, two women with low self-esteem desperate to keep him.

ReasonedCamper · 10/08/2019 07:10

The answer is not in what you do about him but what you do about your relationship with yourself.

Book a course of counselling / therapy to find out why you know what you cannot give (a relationship) but not what to do about what you want.

Is a man who is not suitable as a Relationship a shield from working out why you cannot have commitment?

MrsTeaspoon · 10/08/2019 07:21

Of course an alcoholic is capabable of love!
I don’t see an issue...if you’re happy then continue until he says otherwise. He will know if the other woman becomes serious enough for him to want/need to draw back from you. Just remember he lies - there was no need for him to say Spain on his own rather than Caribbean. And be careful you don’t get hurt. Maybe work through why you push men away when they become ‘needy’.

Atalune · 10/08/2019 07:26

You’re both adults. The set up fits your needs. He can walk away at any time.

The question is, is this wasting your time? It sounds like it’s not. In which case carry on. He’s free to see others, he’s free to drink. I think you have a non problem. Or all this mea culpa stuff is a weird narrative that you spin to make yourself feel better?

LadyGAgain · 10/08/2019 07:30

Is he sleeping with you both? And you know this? Get some self respect. He is a chancer.

RonnieScotts · 10/08/2019 07:45

He's having his cake and eating it....and you are happily facilitating this. He really isn't a catch, you need to raise your standards.

Vasya · 10/08/2019 07:46

You can't always have a relationship entirely on your terms OP. You don't want an exclusive relationship with this man, so there is every chance he will want that with someone else instead.

I think this one sounds like it has run its course - neither of you can give the other what they need or want.

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2019 07:54

Seems like your only dialema here should be a moral one. You know he is lying to this woman and seem perfectly cool with it. He deserves someone nice?!? What about her, does she deserve to be saddled with a lying cheating sod?

If you 'aren't ready for commitment', cool, there's no problem. But this woman sounds like she is. And you're encouraging your fwb who, quite frankly treats her like shit, talks about her like shit and..well, is a shit, to stick with it!?! Wtf.

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2019 08:07

Also, have been in a similar situation as a result of narcissistic triangulation. Only we were together in all but officialness (he would never say it) and then somewhere down the line, another love interest popped up. And i remember how much I just wanted to do the right thing and that would be to step back and make him happy. If I wasn't enough then maybe she was. Maybe she was the one.

So I get it.

But I never met her and he never let on how he treated her and considering i stopped sleeping with him when she was brought up, I was never a secret (well, I assumed, but who knows).

I'm sure he did treat her like shit looking back on it but obviously I didn't know at the time as, as narcissists so often do, he spoke of her as if the sunshine shone from her ass lol.

But if he had been nasty about her or still had a sexual relationship with me, id like to think I wouldn't have encouraged him to keep lying to her in the hope that HE might find happiness. That's just.. not OK. She wouldn't have deserved that. No one deserves to be with a liar and a cheat. Have some of that compassion you have for her too.

SunshineCake · 10/08/2019 08:07

Most loved up couple? Are you 14? hmm

How can you have self respect when you're screwing a man who's other woman thinks is her exclusive boyfriend.

Original poster
shahalo · 10/08/2019 08:49

Fifteenyemen it doesn't bother me he has always seen multiple women, we were supposed to be a one night stand over a year ago that just continued and are now very close. I do genuinely love him which is why I want him to be happy. And have asked him if he wants me to back off about 6 weeks ago when he had stopped seeing all the others for a couple of weeks, to which he insisted no and deliberately went out and slept with a couple of his old girls to prove to me he wasn't going to be exclusive to her (btw I know how f**led up that sounds)

And yes to everyone who says I need to work through commitment issues, I left my otherwise perfect husband of 17 years a few years ago because we fell out of love which although it was thing to do was incredibly painful and I'm terrified of committing to someone full time again the mundane happening and having to go through that again, I'd rather be single with regular fun on the side and as said before a moral man always wants more especially after so long together. My fwb is tall dark handsome incredibly fit, great in bed romantic and charming as well as being a functioning alcoholic with a good income so he does give me what I want right now which is why it would be a hassle to find another.

Sunshine no not 14 was using the example to describe how we are, in another time without all our issues I would have said yes to him.

And it is my compassion for both of them that is causing my dilemma, I am the long term woman she is the new ( couple of month) prospect, if I were to step back and not be in his way would they have a chance, he does like her and has given everyone else up but won't let me go, should I be the better person but my selfishness is saying he will just chase you down like he did before. I backed off once before it lasted 11 days.....

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 10/08/2019 10:26

He won't let you go ? Drama about managing 11 days apart. Talk about ridiculous and immature. It's not for him to decide whether to let you go or not but for you to get some morals both about yourself and other women

DonPablo · 10/08/2019 10:34

I don't think this sounds very healthy. Unhealthier than actually committing and it going wrong actually.

Either you're happy with the set up or you're not. Only you can decide. But if you think playing it this way won't end up in hurt, I think you're wrong.

Whatever you want to do, why not take a proper good, long step back from it all? See where he goes with it, see how you feel about it. After all, you'll come back together eventually if that's what you want and the break might help you gain some clarity.

There are men out there who aren't alcoholics or serial cheaters and liars who would love a casual set up like you're after. Know that.

rumred · 10/08/2019 10:42

Do as you would be done by. You're knowingly part of his deception, that's unkind and unfair. Plus not good for you.
Work on yourself and cut him loose

Watchingthyme · 10/08/2019 10:46

I don’t understand does she know he’s cheating on her?