I've left... Am I doing the right thing?

[Maternitynurse16]

Sorry this will be long but I'll try not to drip feed. We've been together since Jan 2013 and I moved into his house in may 2013. We've had our ups and downs but it seems to have been good overall. He's always liked a drink how ever I'm not a big drinker. A few times he's gone to the pub after work on a Friday and had a few to drink and driven home. Not pissed but too much to drive. I've always said that I'm 100% against this and we have had arguments and usually him apologising and promising not to do it again. I've always threatened to leave if he's done it again and tonight he's done it again so I've packed a bag and gone to my mum's. I'm feeling numb and not really that sad. He's begged me not to leave and promised he won't do it again blah blah. We've been trying for a baby for the last year with no success which I'm down about. I suppose I'm asking have i done the right thing by throwing away six and a half years tonight?

Sorry for rambling.. I'm really tired but can't sleep!!

He is drink driving.
If he caused a death its a life sentence for him let alone untold grief to others.

Give it a few days and have a talk to him.

I think you are right to stand by your word.

I know two people who have soberly killed people behind the wheel and it ruined so many lives.

What will he need to do to prove himself?
Does he have a drinking problem?

You've absolutely done the right thing. If he wiped out a family while driving drunk how would you feel? If he had any respect for you (or himself) he wouldn't drink and drive.

That's the thing. It's happened a lot so I don't know what he would have to do to prove himself. It's my biggest fear that he will cause an accident and not only hurt himself but innocent people. I'm so confused about how I'm feeling. I had a lovely life with him, nice car nice house, always going out together and not having to worry about money, my absolute love for our gorgeous lab who I'm distraught at leaving but I know he wouldn't let me take him. Moving back to my mum's permanently will be hard, back to a 'scummy' area, giving up the lifestyle I enjoy, car, house etc. I was totally 100% ready to have a baby and marry him but I feel so weird now like I'm not that upset and only cried for about 5 mins

You dont need to decide anything now.
Maybe he should be the one thinking about how he can prove himself.

Have some space...

Yes he should but I'm not sure anything can make up for it. I'm fed up of having the same arguement and broken promises.

Very much a minor take away from this, but if the dog is in your name he can't stop you taking him. Whoever the microchip is registered to is the legal owner. If that's the case for you and you're nervous to go get him I'd call the non emergency police number and get some advice on the best way to retrieve the dog. Sorry that's completely missing the rest of your post, I just have two myself and would be absolutely heart broken to have to leave either of them so I feel for you.

Sadly he's not mine officially. The microchip is in his name and he paid for him. I'm devastated about leaving him and he's an absolute mummy's boy. Honestly that's probably the main reason I'm doubting myself. My dog is my world and provides me a calmness, love and wellbeing more than anything I've ever had. I know it sounds stupid but I'm heartbroken about leaving my poor dog!

I totally get it. That would be my biggest heartache too. Gosh it's an awful situation and I have nothing of value to help you. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this 💐

Thank you for being there to listen to my ramblings I really appreciate it and of course it feels very valuable to me!

It did cross my mind that if you want to be with him, and this is the only deal breaker, then reporting him to the police may be an option to get him to stop? I mean if they take his licence he's pretty stuffed for doing it again.

Theres absolutely no way he would want to be with me if I did that. Also surely they would have to catch him in the act? I did report him before but they obviously didn't catch him and he has no idea I did this. I'm just so fed up with it

Yeah they'd have to catch him doing it to be able to do anything. Good on you for having done it before.

Odd that he finds that a deal breaker yet drink driving is totally chill in his book 🤔 Maybe that could be a term for reconciling, if you suspect he's going to drink drive you report him and he can't say shit to you because he's promised he wouldn't do it again? If he bawks at that suggestion I would be suspicious that he has no intention of stopping.

I fully believe that if hes only sorry I found out. I'm not confident that he won't do it again as I've heard all the promises before. It's so hard to know what to do. Tbh I think this shows that he's not ready to be a parent and that means we aren't on the same page. I feel like the last six years have been a waste and I don't think I'll ever fully trust him around drink/pubs

You know you've done the right thing.

You've done the only possible sensible thing here OP. Well done.

Op imagine if you did have a baby and he was behaving the same way.

You have absolutely done the right thing. He won’t change. And now you have an opportunity to meet someone wonderful

About the dog- did you do all the caring for it? I would think about waiting a few weeks and dropping a text saying you are happy to take dog if he is finding him too much work. If you phrase it the right way love you are doing him a favour at massive inconvenience to yourself, that might work

Thank you for the reassurance. Unfortunately he knows how much the dog means to me and would not let me have him just to hurt me for leaving him. He's self employed so can bring him to work with him and his dad has him a lot as he's retired so he would say he can manage him. Thanks for your suggestion though x

It would be a deal breaker for me! My partner was killed in an car accident due to a drink driver and our children are now left without a dad because of someone's selfish decisions. Imagine if you had children and he not only hurt other people but also himself that would change a lot of lives including yours. Take a few days to think about what you want and whether you think he can or wants to change

Sorry to hear that @hunz it's a deal breaker for me too but I stupidly thought he would/could change. I haven't slept at all and now he's constantly ringing and texting me and I'm ignoring him!

For me the fact that he is prepared to keep the dog just to hurt you speaks volumes about his character, let alone his continued ignoring of your feelings and idiocy in continuing with a criminal immoral behaviour. I think you might be surprised at how much better you feel about other aspects of your life in a while. You can do better. I'm not sure how old you are but whatever age you have time to regroup and discover there are better men out there.

I'm 24 and we've been together since I was 18. I haven't really experienced being an adult without him. I've been away for less than 24 hours and I'm already missing my dog like crazy!

Sounds like you’ve only left to scare him, you’re hoping that leaving will force his hand into changing. If it’s your deal breaker then leave for good now and move on it will only be harder to leave when you have a baby.

Just saw you were 24, you are so young! Go travelling, be young, concentrate on your career there is no rush to settle down especially with someone who drink drives and makes you unhappy, get out there and be 24!

Thank you! I've just started a new course to start a new career so I think I need to focus on that. I think initially I left to scare him, but after being up all night thinking I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I don't need him and at the moment I certainly don't want him! I would love to go travelling but unfortunately have bills and a bit of debt otherwise I would on that plane tonight!

He's just turned up at my mum's. I locked the doors and windows and totally ignored his pleas until he left. Absolutely shattered but can't sleep!