Can this type of man change?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I probably know the answer to this. But I would still like to ask. Person in question 😆:

43 year old male, never married, never had what I would consider a ‘proper’ relationship i.e living together. Living in a flat share, bit of a free spirit type. I think you get the idea.

Have any of you ever know this type of man to change into a family man?

Probably not, I suspect 🥴

P.s he isn’t gay.

People change all the time.

It's almost always because they want to change themselves though. Do you think he wants to change?

The chances aren't good at all. Are you wanting a "family man?" If so, I would keep looking.

43, never married, no children, yet lives in a flat share? Doesn't bode well.

I've known men in their forties get incredibly broody. I have a theory that many men have a biological clock too but it tend to go off later. They go on about babies and children all the time while wittering on about how beautiful their wife would be pregnant and developing a sudden interest in safer cars. Is he doing any of that?

He is actually the father of my daughter. So yes I would like him to change.

We are not together, I’ve seen subtle signs that he slowly (I mean snails pace) changing. But I’m unsure if he will ever get there.

My dp was 40 when I met him and although hed had long term relationships he had never lived with a woman other than his mum.

He said on our second date he had found who he has been looking and he was ready to settle down. We now have 2 children together, hes a wonderful partner and father.

On paper I'd say no way but it I wouldn't rule it out completely if it's someone you like.

Oh no, in that case, no chance. If being a father isn't enough for him to be a father then your subtle signs will be crumbs of your imagination.

Sounds like he's living the bachelor life with very few responsibilities.

Hard to see why he'd want to give that up if he's enjoying it thoroughly.

Oh just seen you already have a child with him. Completely different scenario then! I would say if that hasn't changed him nothing will at that age.

Does HE want to change into a family man? Or are you optimistically hoping he might?

If he's happy as he is, you're on a hiding to nothing. If he's expressed a desire to change then I'd take it slowly and ypu both need to communicate expectations clearly.

Very, slowly and very clearly!

Different people's concepts of 'a family man' can be very very different. So make sure you're on the same page.

I won’t go into it, but we hadn’t been together very long and he has since lived in Australia living the surf life.

He is coming back at Christmas for a few weeks to see us, I’m not at all entertaining any idea of us getting back together. This is purely for my DD to spend time with her dad.

Cross post with the fact he's the father of your dc already. Sorry, but if becoming a father didn't change him, then nothing will! Give up, you're wasting your time.

The walker, he only met his DD when she was 3 (last year) for the first time. He just buried his head in the sand.

Yes I know, he doesn’t sound like a nice man 🥴

Given his current situation and track record, I would say that change won't be forthcoming unless it clearly benefits him.

People don’t change radically.

Dump.

He buried his head in the sand? A human being. A child. His first born. No, that's him not caring, giving no fucks, DD is your child not his child.

Please don't fill DD's head with ideas of daddy loves you really. She will work out soon enough that he gives no fucks and will then likely use child logic to decide it's because she's unlovable and horrible.

I dont think he sounds not nice at all, just sounds like if having a child hasn't made him want to change I struggle to think what might.

I do think men give themselves the luxury of maturing when they're ready and some take longer than others. I hope for yours and your dd sake he pulls his head out of the sand when he sees you next but I dont think theres anything you can do other than show him the life he could have if he wants it / is ready for it

Otherwise, as poster said above, dont get your daughters hopes up that daddy's going to come home soon because if shes 3 already it's going to be unlikely.

The walker I know.

I’ve been incredibly cautious and haven’t said a great deal to my DD to protect her. But I also believe it’s important she knows who he is for her own identity. Every month they have a video call which seems to be going well. The relationship is building up (very) slowly, mainly because I said it has to happen gradually.

I know it’s not a normal situation by a long shot.

The walker she’s 4 now! Even older, we have all been in contact for 2 years now.

I think that if having his child didn't make him want to come to your side, nothing will. And if he did now (perhaps conveniently when the kid is a bit older and maybe has started nursery) I wouldn't believe it or accept it. It wouldn't be good enough for me.

You deserve better, dd deserves better. Don't hold out hope for a cosy wee family life situation with him. He may became free spirit, but it sounds like he is also a dick. That doesn't change.

It's nice they have a relationship and its good you're encouraging that. They could still end up very close as she gets older but I would manage your expectations of him turning into a traditional family man - if that's what you want then you might need to look elsewhere to fill that gap. Are you 'waiting for him'?

No I’m not waiting for him. I would like to meet someone else ideally. I’ve just not met anyone that I have a good connection with and who I’m attracted to yet, that’s the problem.

Does he pay maintenance?

No he doesn’t pay anything. I decided it was easier to go it alone. He had a visa for Australia when I met him, when I fell pregnant he broke up with me a few months later left for oz. I felt it was easier not to chase for maintenance and cope on my own.