How do I learn to love my Wife again?

[ewalliams]

I met my Wife when I was 25, I'm 44 now. I was always happy with her and we had no problems in our marriage at all, She is the only woman I have ever loved. A year ago I started to feel off, not myself, everything started to look bleak and grey so I went to the doctor and it turns out I have depression.

I started to panic because I completely lost my feelings for my Wife, I started getting thoughts in my head that she would be much better of without me, I would only bring her down too, I started pushing her away, I knew I was doing this but couldn't stop at that time, I stopped telling her I loved her, Stopped giving her affection and everytime she tried to support me I pushed her away even more, one day I asked her to leave, told her I didn't want to be with her anymore so she ended up moving out into her own place to see if I could sort myself out. My Wife refused to give up on me and still tries to support me from afar, I came home the other day to a note through my door telling me her life will never be the same without me in it and I feel nothing.

Its been a year and I am not feeling any better (been through councelling, anti depressents, try to eat and sleep right, try to exercise, nothing seems to be working at the moment)

Everything came to a head a few days ago, We met up so we could talk things through, she asked me if I still love her and I was honest and told her no, but I want to, I want to love her again, I want us to be the way we used to be, but I have no idea how to get my feelings back, I just feel dead inside. I think I have forgotten what being in love feels like, I can no longer remember how being with my Wife made me feel. I do want it to work but fear I have already messed things up to the point of no return. I loved her before I got ill, the depression took my feelings from me, I know that, but why can I not see it? Why am I not fighting for our marraige?

Does anyone please have any advice on how to get through this before I ruin her life any more than I already have?

Thank You.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think I am in the same boat. I feel like I want to throw it all away daily. I push my husband away and I do believe I don't love him anymore. But I feel equally as low about other things. When I should be happy..feel free to pm me.

I wonder if the antidepressants are doing you more harm than good.

Were you prescribed antidepressants? If so, have you had a review of them with GP?

Have you been to see a counsellor? Alone, not with wife

usersouthcoast yes I have been on three up to now, had a lot of side effects but not helping the actual depression, yes I have been to councelling alone through the nhs.

The antidepressants are only making you worse. I would speak to your gp immediately about getting off them.

I agree that it doesn't sound like the anti depressants are working.
Did your counsellor help you get to the bottom of any problems, or give you methods to work through things?

You told her that you didn’t want to be with her anymore and asked her to leave. Why didn’t you leave?

Sounds like you're on the wrong dosage or tablet.

The fog should eventually start to lift not numb you to this effect.

Hope you get another appointment to discuss this with health professional. I really hope the black clouds start to lift for you. It cant be nice at all.

Are you getting enough sleep ?
Are you eating meat protein?
Drinking At least one cup of orange juice?
Plenty of water ?
Fresh air?
Exercise ?
Eating 3 balanced meals?
Avoiding alcohol ?
And doing stuff that you like no matter how small?

All these things will make a difference to your mood.

Perhaps it might help to think about this: have you lost pleasure for other things? Are you no longer feeling any emotional reaction to anything? If so, then it is probably not that you've 'stopped loving your wife', but rather you've stopped loving anything. It's not her, it's everything. If you can't feel emotion, can't feel anything good, then it's not actually about your marriage or relationship. Your love for her is probably the most important thing you've lost. But iyswim it's a symptom, not the problem.

Depression is awful. I'm so sorry. In your favor is the fact she appears to still want to help you -- having people to help and support you is incredibly important, when you are trying to fight depression.

Immediate steps:

1. go back to the GP (or ask your wife to help you do this, if it sounds too hard to manage). Ask for a referral to an actual psychiatrist. If you're having trouble finding the right medication to help, you need a specialist.
2. do all the other good life things mentioned above (exercise, sleep, food etc). See them as part of your prescription.
3. Take the pressure off yourself of trying to force yourself back into feeling a specific emotion about your wife. In fact, take the whole thing off the table for a while. Just focus on getting better and being able to feel anything again.

Why do you capitalise wife

Search Dr. Amen.
Very interesting read and can offer a different perspective on your symptoms.
Also, get your thyroid checked.

"She is the only woman I have ever loved"

Interesting phrasing. Had you had relationships with men prior to meeting your wife?

I was in a relationship with a depressed person who pushed me away. With hindsight I wish I'd handled things differently. I agree with PP who have said to review your meds. It's a lot of pressure to expect you to fallback in love with your wife straight away. If you've lost your connection is there a way she can help you by starting small just like you did in the beginning - doing something small that you enjoy and building the reconnection up from there. Can you start to enjoy each other again? You may need to ask her to help you on that journey if you're not able to be proactive about it yourself.

If you have tried 3 different ssris then you might need to try a different type of antidepressants. Go back to your gp and ask to see whoever is practice specialist in anti-depressants as some are better than others.

I've suffered quite badly with this and if you visit forums this is a very very common symptom of depression/anxiety.
Unfortunately both disorders mask real feelings for anything which then causes a bit of a panic when you think about the things important to you.
I couldn't have given a toss about anything including myself in the throws of it however it caused me a huge amount of stress when I thought about my partner at the time.
It is very difficult but I think if you can understand that depression and anxiety can mask any kind of feelings for anything including your wife you're half way there.
Depression unfortunately depresses all emotion. Meds' were the only thing that did anything for me and just living life with or without it until it didn't bother me so much (acceptance) were the only things that worked.
Xx

If SSRI's arent working, see if they would be willing to prescribe a TCA to try. They aren't as safe,can have worse side effects, and have long term health issues from prolonged use, but after 4 different ssri's over 10 years with no improvement, i got switched to a TCA and there has been a very noticeable difference!

@ewalliams - I really sympathise with you. Anhedonia is actually terrifying. I remember having lost joy in every single thing in life except my children. I was so scared that if I stopped loving them too life would be over. Luckily that didn't happen. But I did stop loving everyone else, my husband included.

I do have advice, because it's pretty much worked for me. I'll list it briefly here but I'm very happy to go into detail by PM if you want to chat because I feel passionately about this kind of depression, how evil it is and how to overcome it.

Two rule of trying to overcome it:

1. You don't have to want to any of the following at all. Not even a bit. You just have to do them anyway.
2. You don't need to see any improvement in mood when you do them. You just have to do them anyway.

So zero pressure to feel motivated or to find benefits. Just do, like a robot. You feel half dead anyway, so no harm in robotically doing the following:

1. Good self care. Basics: Shower and dress in the best clean clothes you can find. Clean your teeth. Eat at least 5 veg and fruit a day. Drink water 1-2 litres a day.

1. Take 'time out' from being depressed. I used to feel there was no point exercising or meditating - I felt just as depressed afterwards. Entirely missing the point that I didn't feel quite as depressed during. So go for a walk in nature, cuddle a pet, watch a comedy, play loud happy music from your youth etc. Even if you feel like shit afterwards at least you had that short break. Take lots of these short breaks.

1. Do something new every day. I know I hang around the MH boards banging on about this, but it, above all else, healed me. Start small - try a new type of coffee, walk a different route to work (or to the GP or the shops if you are signed off sick) Tune into a new radio station. Listen to a new band. Do one new thing every day. Keep a note. Make a list of new things you'd like to do, however big, small or random (One of mine was, I'd never seen a white stag that lives in a deer park near us, so went on a mission to spot him.) Allow some of these to be big and ambitious.

1. Keep a journal. In it, write down your new thing each day and a brief note of whether you liked it or not; any lists of new things you;d like to try. Also keep a daily At Least I list. You may not have done much all day but at least you sent that email/went for a walk etc.

Finally, to your question about your wife. Apply the same sort of principles to learning how to love her again. Just 'do' it. Act as if you do with no pressure on yourself to actually feel that you do.
Go to new places with her
Try new activities with her
Do stuff together - prepping food, listening to radio comedies

I heard a great piece of advice about loving your long term partner:

Treat love as a verb not a noun.

It's not something you should have but something you should do for your partner. Act like you love her. Listen to her. Laugh at her jokes. Work out where she might want to go on Friday night and surprise her whether you feel like it or not. Reminisce about the best of old times together. Discuss amazing things you'd like to do in the future. Places to visit, challenges to attempt, adventures to have. (Again, right now you may not feel any excitement at all for these plans, but keep considering them. You will eventually hit on one that appeals, as the depression slowly loses its stranglehold and you find you have regained enthusiasm for life.

I did this with DH and was amazed to discover we both have some really exciting plans in common for after our DC leave home. Most of what we want to do seems miles apart, but we have a handful of exciting big plans that we're looking forward to and that keeps the love alive.

During this bleak time, have you continued to work? Just wondering how you are coping with other key aspects of your life in the meantime and whether there are additional outlets of support that together can lead you to a better place.

Your wife has been remarkably supportive putting her whole life on hold the entire time. For that alone, you can feel comfort that she still has faith in your relationship.

Reminisce about the best of old times together

My DH and I do this a lot, because no matter what slings and arrows get thrown at us in life it keeps us grounded reminding ourselves what brought us together as a couple (adversity), how we started on our life journey, and how far we've come together.

FuriousVexation, No, never been with a man, was just trying to say I have never been in love with anyone else but my wife, Had short relationships before I met her but she is the only one I have ever wanted to spend my life with.

matahairyy, I have dyslexia and sometimes my grammar isn't the best so appologies for any mistakes I make.

Thank you everyone for replying, I am going to go back to my doctor and talk to him, see if he can get me on something else, or tweak what I am already on (fluoxetine).

I am still working, it gives me a reason to get out of bed, without that I think I would feel worse.

I also called my wife this morning and asked if we could take us off the table for a while until I feel a bit better and she said yes, she would like to try everything rather than just giving up and walking away.

I hope that we can get through this, and I'm sorry to anyone else going through this as well.

@ewalliams - your wife is an amazing woman. Truly

I'd suggest seeing a kinesiologist to work out what food and or vitamins and minerals you need or don't need to realign your body and mind

Don't just stop your medication. Good to see you plan to return to gp.