How do I learn to love my Wife again?

[ewalliams]

I met my Wife when I was 25, I'm 44 now. I was always happy with her and we had no problems in our marriage at all, She is the only woman I have ever loved. A year ago I started to feel off, not myself, everything started to look bleak and grey so I went to the doctor and it turns out I have depression.

I started to panic because I completely lost my feelings for my Wife, I started getting thoughts in my head that she would be much better of without me, I would only bring her down too, I started pushing her away, I knew I was doing this but couldn't stop at that time, I stopped telling her I loved her, Stopped giving her affection and everytime she tried to support me I pushed her away even more, one day I asked her to leave, told her I didn't want to be with her anymore so she ended up moving out into her own place to see if I could sort myself out. My Wife refused to give up on me and still tries to support me from afar, I came home the other day to a note through my door telling me her life will never be the same without me in it and I feel nothing.

Its been a year and I am not feeling any better (been through councelling, anti depressents, try to eat and sleep right, try to exercise, nothing seems to be working at the moment)

Everything came to a head a few days ago, We met up so we could talk things through, she asked me if I still love her and I was honest and told her no, but I want to, I want to love her again, I want us to be the way we used to be, but I have no idea how to get my feelings back, I just feel dead inside. I think I have forgotten what being in love feels like, I can no longer remember how being with my Wife made me feel. I do want it to work but fear I have already messed things up to the point of no return. I loved her before I got ill, the depression took my feelings from me, I know that, but why can I not see it? Why am I not fighting for our marraige?

Does anyone please have any advice on how to get through this before I ruin her life any more than I already have?

Thank You.

She sounds like a wife worth fighting for and from your posts you can at least see this. Is this something you can use a basis for moving forward?

I've been on antidepressants for a year, on the second lot of CBT and there has been very little improvement. Luckily my husband and has been my rock and my centre through it all but I can still understand how you feel. Some day's my lack of emotion is distressing.

Have you tried any self-help books? Both of Susan Calman's books on how she learned to manage her mental health are excellent. I'm planning to read some of Rachel Kelly's next, starting with Singing in the Rain. Good luck, it sounds like you both deserve it.

Take ‘being a couple’ off the table, work on a good friendship with her, go out for afternoons just as if you are friends etc. If you lose the ‘like’ in being with someone then it’s hard to feel ‘love’ at all .

If you lose the ‘like’ in being with someone then it’s hard to feel ‘love’ at all.

user - that is so wisely put. I'd never thought of it that way before.

Maybe you are right. Maybe you don’t love your wife. Maybe you need to learn to love yourself and learn to love life again and then you may fall in love again.

@growlingbear amazing advice!

Thanks growlingbear. I see so many here who want to get the love back but don’t actually seem to like their partners. Personally I find it nigh on impossible to love if the ‘like’ has gone.

I'll suggest you concentrate on friendship with your wife and not feel any pressure to love her again. You need time to get better and hopefully the clouds will move over soon.

It sounds like you do love your wife very much but your illness is preventing you from accessing the feeling.

I won’t bombard you with any more advice but when my depression told me I didn’t deserve my partner, my counsellor told me I must deserve him because I’ve got him and that struck a chord with me.

Wishing you well

I'll suggest you concentrate on friendship with your wife and not feel any pressure to love her again. You need time to get better and hopefully the clouds will move over soon.

This. Depression takes away every pleasurable feeling, including the pleasure you feel from being with someone you love. I don't think you've stopped loving your wife at all, you just can't feel the warmth and joy from it that you used to, because that pleasure pathway in your neural network is broken.

Whatever you do, stop beating yourself up. Depression is self-perpetuating - it makes you blame yourself for everything that's gone wrong in your life, until you can't see anything good that you have. Break the cycle. Forgive yourself for being ill. It isn't your fault.

Get a medication review with your GP. There are many different types of antidepressant and they act in different ways. It can take a while to find the one that works for you.

And finally, read Dr Christopher Cantopher's "Depressive Illness - The Curse Of The Strong." It will help you to understand why your illness makes you feel the way you do, which in turn makes it possible to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It was a turning point for me. Good luck!

Hey OP. Your depression seems to be spiralling. I would suggest a hospital stay or else a good CBT group !! Please get proper help meds are great but talking through it is more important!

Op you mention that you are on fluoxetine. I was taking this for several years and although it cured my depths of depression, it made me feel emotionally and sexually empty. I strongly recommend you ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist who can assess your medication.

Do you have any of the other symptoms listed on this page about dopamine deficiency? If this has come out of nowhere you could ask for a referral to neuropsychiatrist. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320637.php