Exgirlfriend back on the scene

[MitfordSisters]

I don't really know what to do - this is the cause of rows galore at our house.

When my DH and I got together he was seeing someone else and so was I. It took him a long time to tell her, and we caused her a lot of pain.

Then when we announced engagement, other ex-girlfriends popped up and I had to challenge one of them on the phone, because they would hang up when I picked up or give false names.

Now when we announce my pregnancy, his most beloved ex has started emailing him, proposing meetings. I vetoed this but now she has come back asking him what kind of contact she can expect from him now, and saying after the event that she only wanted to get things on to a fresh footing and to meet me - I know this is not true, and that in fact I get in the way of her having intimate converstaions with my hubby.

He is a very loving warm person, but he can't see that I don't want to be friends with his ex, and that her contacts upset me - I think some of the things she wants to talk about she should be discussing with her DH, not mine (she is recenlty married herself).

I am tempted to ring her and explain my point of view because DH wants to maintain contact with her and thinks I'm being hysterical.

I know they had a special bond once,but I don't think its fair for her to be angling for intimacies again. I'm worried that I can't match up to her and yes I am a bit jealous.

What would you do?

Oh bless you I don't really know what to say, only that I would feel the same as you. Sorry, that's not much help, but I'm sure someone will be along soon with some constructive advice. Keep your chin up x

Oh... I have had to get used to this. My DP has this romantic view of his exes that they are all dear friends (oh and there is something a bit odd about me because I don't like hanging out with my exes !) and he wants to maintain a friendship with them. It took a long time to get through to him that I don't like his freaky exes (there are two of them he sees, both total oddballs) and I don't want to be friends with them. (He totally fails to see that one of them in particular carries a torch - every time they meet she gives him a cuddly toy ffs.) We now agree that he can meet them for lunch and I don't have to be involved. Luckily thy both live far away so it's only once in a while, when they've here for work or whatever.

I think you do need to trust him and let him see her within reasonable limits - I say this because if it's what he wants, "bannning" it could lead to ill-feeling and even them meeting behind your back which would be horrible. But you don't have to like her or see her. I'd talk to him about this, not her (she doesn't care about you), explain all your fears and worries but tell him you will trust him if he will also respect your feelings, keep it to a minimum, be aware of her agenda and not involve you.

It is a pain though and I feel for you.

Oooh that's a tough one!

I guess the question is, what exactly is your concern? Is it that he might go back to her/ be unfaithful with her? Or is it simply the fact that you don't like her having a close relationship with him?

I would go to the other extreme ...

Every time she rings, tinkle a saccarin laugh, and say you'll pass a message on, as you tell each other everything so she has NO SECRETS from you.

She wants to meet up? GREAT! Go along. Dominate the conversation, reminisce with your husband about this, that and the other ("Darling do you remember when...")

Drop your children in to the conversation as frequently as possible.... But to all intents and purposes, leave your husband out, not her. She will quickly get the message that there are no more cosy chats to be had between the two of them, and you and your family will not fade conveniently into the back ground.

But I couldn't bear to do this with DP's fruitloop exes - especially the one he left for me! It depends on what she's actually like...

Thanks gals.

Snowy, it helps to know I'm not the only one going through it. Don't blame them for wanting to bathe in his warm glow - he is gorgeous, but I still think he's totally naive to see that this one in particular has a big thing for him still (no cuddly toys but lots of yearning sort of emails).

Fio, I've thought about moving out for a few days to give him a shock - but that's drastic isn't it?

Yes, cestlavie, I'm scared he'll leave me/ have affair etc.

Maybe it is better if I accept that they will have contact. He keeps repeating that's she's a considerate person who respects our relationship, but if that was so, she'd leave us in peace. SHe's talking about laying ghosts to rest by meeting me, and I really think actually that DH failed to finish with her properly. He's a bit like that - wants all the ladies to love him

EscapeFrom, I adore that idea - if I was brave enough. I have the impression that she would beat me in a battle of wits. It would surprise her to know that DH shares her emails with me though!!

Oh god MS, that all sounds very familiar. My DP just loves to be adored and no amount of discussion can make him see that giving your ex, who is in a steady relationship and has a child, cuddly toys is a bit off. and double [hmmm] !!

Don't make a drastic gesture - you're pregnant and hormonal and you'll regret it (sorry - just being brutally realistic!). It will just make you look unstable. I think you need to act as if you're in charge and secure (even if you're not), talk to him about trust and make him see that you're being very understanding by being OK with him seeing her. Tell him you know she might be a bit needy but you think he can handle it Chances are he will want to keep her at arm's length. remember you can't stop a man from having an affair, whatever you do - and trying to control him certainly won't help. If he loves you and is committed to you - and you should assume he is - he won't stray.

Drastic action is a bit exhausting and yes, I know I need to appear to be in control even if feeling like an underset jelly!

Yes, it's rubbish that he can't see the hazards of having everyone like him all the time. There was one girl who even asked him to be her sperm donor because he didn't want to be with her but he couldn't finish it properly - aaagh!!

This particular woman is obv very talented, lovely artistic etc. but mother was an alcoholic and has romantic notions. She could probably have got him to the altar if she'd been as no-nonsense as me.

You're right - if he wants to have an affair - I can't stop him. I'm goingt o talk to him tonight and try to be calm about it.

It really helps to hear your viewsx

Is she the one he left for you - if so why do you expect any more respect from her than you gave ??? In any case seems you and him had very little respect for each others partners at the time - so my guess is that you are worried he is just as capable as doing it to you and you are probably right - what goes around comes around - was gonna refrain from this thread as I just get angry then get flamed for being so "unsympathetic"...but afraid my respect for OW who then somehow think they deserve better is at an all time low ....

If he's letting you see her emails then he's obviously not plotting to do anything with her behind your back. You can't stop him from having female friends (even if some of them are exes) and it would be wrong to try. Remember that you can never control other people's behaviour (well, OK, in the short term you can do so by threats, violence or bribery I suppose, but it doesn't work for long) you can only control your own reaction to it. And just because she may still have romantic feelings towards him, doesn't mean he feels the same way about her.

Just a thought from a guy's perspective, it often seems that men and women have different perspectives on maintaining relationships with ex-boy/girlfriends.

In my case, DW absolutely hated thought of me even having ex-girlfriends let alone seeing them again (didn't want to even see photos of them for a while) - to be fair I wasn't really frantically bothered about seeing any of them again and they didn't live close by so it wasn't an issue. On the other hand, I've met her main ex a few times in social situations and bumped into others. In my experience though, well, with my friends, it often seems to be this way around. Girls hate their blokes being around ex-girlfriends, but not so much vice versa.

What I would say which is worth bearing in mind is that us blokes are pretty simplistic creatures. Even if an ex is virtually clawing their clothes off every time they see you, a lot of blokes will be genuinely surprised if someone points out there's an outside chance that the ex is still attracted to them - signs that a women might read as being bloody obvious stand a good chance of not even registering for guys. Secondly, we're also pretty good at compartmentalisation; we don't really see how having what many women would see as an 'intimate' relationship with an ex has any impact on the relationship with DW/DP (cos to us, it doesn't). Just a thought anyway.

(Course, if you think he's still attracted to them, that's a whole different kettle of fish... )

You both sound like drama queens. Sorry, but you do.

In fact, this entire 'scenario' sounds contrived.

I'm with madamez on this.

yes fair dos, macdoodle - I was the OW, though not with her.

ANd ex-pat - I don't know what you mean by saying the scenario is 'contrived'. Perhaps you'd like to elaborate.

This may sound like a storm in a teacup, but I like to sort things out whilst they're still manageable eg before he has an affair, rather than wait until it gets really bad.

Okay, I am beginning to sound unhinged. Perhaps I need to develop a bit more trust in him.

If you had an affair with the man you're with, before he left his ex (though I know that isn't the woman in question here) - of course it's always going to be an issue in your mind that he could be unfaithful. Comes with the territory and is an argument against ever being the OW. There may also be a guilt factor that makes it difficult.

(My DP didn't two-time his ex with me, but we did fall in love while we were with others and had to end it with them before we got together - and I still feel very bad if I have to encounter the woman he left.)

However you're with him now and you're having a baby, so there's every reason to have faith in him and try to make it work and try to manage this situation. You can't just give up on him and yourself because he once cheated. People can change, I hope.

I think that you do need to develop more trust in your DH. For whatever reason he chose not to be with her anymore. He chose to be with you. Doesn't that mean anything?

When my CM split with her husband his new wife point blank refused to let him see his ex and made a fuss about him seeing his kids. Causing huge amounts of pain to everyone. I don't understand that attitude at all. Why so insecure?

I can entirely see why you'd feel insecure. Even though I am completely certain that my dh would not stray, there is one particular ex-girlfriend that I would not want him seeing, and nor would I like to see her again (knew her and him as a couple about 4 years before we got together).

But the best way to deal with it seems to be to act as if the whole issue is really inconsequential. Say that you have no burning need to meet the ex. Why would you after all when your life is so fulfilled with fantastic husband and a baby on the way? Express pity (without scorn). That sort of thing.

Love the name by the way. Are you interested in the Mitfords? Have just read Decca's letters which I found fascintating.

I think I am getting a bit overheated about this one. Guilt is certainly a factor. I'm going to get a life

I am interested in the Mitford sisters pooka - Nancy Mitford's novels are genius.

i can see where you are coming from. My OH still talks to his ex most days and sees her from time to time without me. The only reason i have accepted this is because she is his mums best friend and i don't want to cause problems between my OH and his mum. The ex tryed to cause problems between us when we first got together but he told her that i came first and if she wanted to be friends had to change her attidude.

I can understand your insecurity. He cheated on one girlfriend with you, so you know what he is capable of.

Also you say that this woman was his 'most beloved' ex, and I think a lot of women would be unhappy about her now wanting a relationship with him.

I don't think it seems like there is anything going on. It's not like he is hiding anything from you. But at the same time, if he doesn't have children with this woman, then why maintain a relationship with her? There may be nothing to it, but if it upsets you then, imo, his loyalty should be to you. Surely he has plenty of other friends without needing to be in touch with ex's?

Even though I do agree that he probably shouldn't have any sort of relationship with this ex, I do think that you need to find a way to learn to trust him. The past is in the past. He chose to be with you and you are having his child.
If you do not have trust then a fundamental part of your relationship is missing. Talk to him, get counselling, get yourself new friends/interests, do whatever it takes, but I really do think you should address this issue. Not only to stop the arguments (before the baby arrives), but to remove the possibility of your insecurity pushing him away.

Baffy, that is good advice. I know in my head I can't control DH, but in a way I want to. I think if I felt better about myself then I wouldn't get so threatened by the ex.

I spoke to him at lunchtime and tried to be cool about it. He said he's not going to see her without me and so I guess she's out of the picture for now.

My husband's ex insisted on keeping in contact with my husband as well, and him being too nice couldn't stop it.

So I started phoning my ex. (some very akward conversations there I tell you) at which point he plucked up the courage and stopped any contact.

Ok, aware that I'm in a minority here, but I find this cutting-off of exes a bit wierd (except in cases where exes became exes because they were horrible violent people or stole money off you or smoething). I like quite a few of my exes and have socialised with them, with and without any partners they may have had since me - because, after all, if you went out with someone quite often there are things you like about them and their company that are not affected byt the fact that you no longer want to pairbond with them. I hasten to add that I've also socialised with the ex partners of people I have been dating and never thought it much of a big deal.

Personally I like the idea of all my exes dying of grief the moment I leave them.

it sounds like she - and perhaps he - like all that half remembered intimacy and general nostalgia and faint melancholy and we may not be lovers any more but we were special etc....

If he left her for you, she may secretly think that he's rightfully hers. Why on earth she still wants to see him puzzles me.