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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exgirlfriend back on the scene

43 replies

MitfordSisters · 03/08/2007 09:34

I don't really know what to do - this is the cause of rows galore at our house.

When my DH and I got together he was seeing someone else and so was I. It took him a long time to tell her, and we caused her a lot of pain.

Then when we announced engagement, other ex-girlfriends popped up and I had to challenge one of them on the phone, because they would hang up when I picked up or give false names.

Now when we announce my pregnancy, his most beloved ex has started emailing him, proposing meetings. I vetoed this but now she has come back asking him what kind of contact she can expect from him now, and saying after the event that she only wanted to get things on to a fresh footing and to meet me - I know this is not true, and that in fact I get in the way of her having intimate converstaions with my hubby.

He is a very loving warm person, but he can't see that I don't want to be friends with his ex, and that her contacts upset me - I think some of the things she wants to talk about she should be discussing with her DH, not mine (she is recenlty married herself).

I am tempted to ring her and explain my point of view because DH wants to maintain contact with her and thinks I'm being hysterical.

I know they had a special bond once,but I don't think its fair for her to be angling for intimacies again. I'm worried that I can't match up to her and yes I am a bit jealous.

What would you do?

OP posts:

snowleopard · 03/08/2007 20:21

Agree in principle madamez, but it's not very pleasant when they are obviously a bit gooey-eyed over your man.

I don't like most of mine much (though I have been polite to them if I've bumped into them) - but there was one I really would have liked to stay friends with. I stopped seeing him though when he met his now wife as she didn't want him to see his exes and I respected that.

Sobernow · 03/08/2007 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 03/08/2007 23:22

SObernow: OK so everyone is different but quite a lot of times IME people become exes because a couple relationship had just run its course, without any dreadful behaviour on either side, and so parting was faily amicalbe and there;s no particular reason not to remain on good terms.

Original poster

MitfordSisters · 04/08/2007 07:32

I don't think it's weird not to see exes. They are exes after all, and doesn't mean I don't like them, or have consigned them to room 101. Everyone just gets on with their lives, and tbh, I've got other friends and family and so have they.

I think NKF has got a good point in that both of them want to preserve an unrealistic idea of their relationship, probably because their real life ones can never possibly be as good/ fulfilling etc. Plus she is saying she wants to meet me, and it's disingenuous rubbish - she wants to see DH alone. It's the exclusive nature of it that bothers me and the fact that he won't entertain that she might have less than honourable motives.

He can't see my point at all and is giving me the cold shoulder at the moment.

OP posts:

NKF · 04/08/2007 10:24

Why not ask him why it's so important to him that he sees her? Important enough for him to sulk if he doesn't get his own way about it.

Alternatively you could invite her and her new husband to dinner and find ways of ensuring that everyone realises who the couple is. I find that sort of thing a bit desperate but it probably works.

You might be feeling a bit extra sensitive because you're pregnant though.

Good luck whatever you do.

Tinkerbel5 · 04/08/2007 10:50

MitfordSisters I would be asking why this woman would even want to talk to your dp and yourself if you were both having an affair behind her back, I would question her motives and I feel you are right in having concerns, if this woman is now married then nothing needs to be laid to rest cause its already been done by her moving on, I recon she's up to something!

Tinkerbel5 · 04/08/2007 10:52

MitforSisters forgot to say that you dont need this stress whilst pregnant and that you and your health should come first before any ex, hope your husband realises that

talie101 · 04/08/2007 10:55

What is it with exes coming back onto the scene?....why don't they just stay away from other peoples relationships and just get on with their own lives!

This subject makes me so !!

When my (now ex)h got married we (rightly or wrongly) both agreed to not stay in touch with exes. Some years down the line one of his exgirlfriends managed to track him down and strike up a 'friendship?!!' again with him behind my back! He knew how much this would upset me so kept it hidden from me. (Obviously thought more about her to want to keep in touch with her than about my feelings on how hurt and upset I would be!) It took her 8 years to work her magic on him and take him away from me! He now lives with her! I have two children.....she waited till he divorced me before she left her partner (they have one child too). Looks like she had it all planned out!

I hate that woman and she can't face me because of what she did and knew damn well what she was intending to do in my eyes....being the good friend/shoulder to cry on/grass always looks greener etc.

I trusted this man one hundred percent and never for one minute thought he was doing anything but deep down knew that he was not truly in my marriage (when I look back....it coincides with her coming back into his life - I know this because we had the most horrendous rows and were going to divorce then!) I wish we had because then no children would have been hurt in this....and now 3 innocent children are!

I'm not saying that this will happen to you MitfordSisters...each situation is different and it depends how strong your husband is....mine was totally weak willed/spineless and easy influenced!

I guess I just needed to rant about exes coming back onto the scene....they should STAY AWAY in my opinion!

Original poster

MitfordSisters · 04/08/2007 21:07

Tinkerbel, we weren't having an affair behind her back. She is my DH's ex from a long time ago.

He says he doesn't want to say he will never see her again, but I imagine scenarios like talie101's experience where they will eventually cop off and leave me with a child. talie101, I'm so sorry to hear your story - it's awful and I hope you find someone who can love you properly.

Of course pregnancy is causing me to feel sensitive, but I do wish DH would be totally honest and stop playing games.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 04/08/2007 22:09

Some men just like the attention I guess and they are the ones more likely to stray - afraid the pitfall of being the OW who "wins" the man is never really trusting your P - if he did it to be with you why not to you ??? Just like in Eastenders

snowleopard · 05/08/2007 12:51

It is soooo common for men to be clueless, or pretend to be, when another woman is obviously after them. I have no idea why. A long time ago my DP and I went through a very bad patch and nearly split up. A woman from work was after him and it was totally obvious to me and several other people. Not only that, but she had previously had a go at splitting up another couple, friends of ours, and failed. I told him very clearly what she was up to and all I got was denial, and him defending her - she was the poor innocent party who just wanted to be a friend, I was a suspicious cow.

I was so right. It all went tits up, they very nearly ended up together before he realised that she was very unstable and needy and had an agenda of "winning" men away from their OHs (she has since gone on to successfully split up another couple and is with the man now). I saw what she was up to from the very start, but DP denied and denied and denied until he was right in the middle of the mess. Amazing really as he's not stupid and he's quite a good judge of character normally. It's something to do with the flattery - it really can turn their heads. Not that the OW is the only one to blame, but men can be led astray by flatttery against their better judgement. He now says if he'd ended up with her it would have been bloody awful and he pities the man who is with her and has to put up with her demandingness...

But I think the only way to deal with it is to ta;lk to him and be reasonable and keep communications open - like I said you can't control using bans or demands.

NKF · 05/08/2007 13:03

I don't think they are clueless. I think they pretend to think that everything is innocent in order to enjoy the experience. I don't buy into the idea of women ferociously targetting good natured but foolish men.

Sobernow · 05/08/2007 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NKF · 05/08/2007 13:14

Sobernow - you are so right. And if we are talking about affairs, there must surely be a point when they take their clothes off. You'd think the message would get through then wouldn't you?

EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 13:15

They're not clueless, they're selfish. They are well aware of the impact their decisions have on the rest of their family - but they enjoy the attention.

Sobernow · 05/08/2007 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NKF · 05/08/2007 13:17

Or say "The doctor will be with you in a minute"

snowleopard · 05/08/2007 13:17

I don't know how honest it is when they deny it - can't decide.

Also I think a lot of affairs aren't do do with deliberately predatory women - but there are some, it happens. This woman had been left for another woman by her long-term partner. It was almost as if she couldn't rest until she had proved she could do the same and bag herself a man who was already in a relationship, if that makes sense.

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