Emotional abuse or am I too sensitive?

[LCScotmum]

Hi everyone. I know this has probably been asked countless times before but I feel I need to ask someone who doesnt know me personally. I l have been in a relationship since I was 15 I'm now 29, we have been married 5 years and have 7 and 2 year old daughters together. Basically since the beginning he has always been grumpy. Over the years though it's got worse and worse. I have had some sort of epiphany and now think I may have been mistreated. It's been over the course of 13 years so little things have built up. I'm going to bullet point some examples as there has been so many things..

• he questions why I put makeup on etc and is confidence I do it for someone else
  Has said I put makeup on as I'm a sheep aka a follower.

• has made personal joking comments infront of his friends then apologised and then continues to do again on other nights out.

• he has said on more occasions than I can remember that he is 10 times smarter than me and for me to remember that

• he times how long it takes me to drive places such as from work and to pop to shop for simple things like milk. If I get stuck in traffic I'll get questioned what I was doing when i get home.

*Years ago i got s keychain as a gift and I was home from a night out 10 mins later than expected and he smashed it to pieces infront of me.

• for my birthday (pre kids) my mum took me away for a weekend and he wouldnt speak and said I was so selfish not including him. I bought him a jacket as a gift and all he done was moan at me spending money.

• if I have a night out with friends i can guarantee an argument will be had before it and then he wont speak to me all the next day and. Infact last time he didnt speak until 5pm and had kept our oldest up till 3am playing playstation, he said it was because she was having fun but part of me thinks he done it to annoy me.

*he would get blind drunk to the point of being sick and shitting himself for me to have to clean him up and take him home. The next day he would moan and say I'm boring for not getting drunk etc.

• he will question me on everything, even insignificant issues such as why a pan has been put in the wrong drawer.

I know that was long but that's afew examples I can think about just now. Basically I feel like I have been walking on egg shells for a large part of my life and my mood always depended on what mood he was in. He has said on afew occasions that it doesnt matter what I do he just wont ever be 100% happy. Now over the past 2 years I've felt like I no longer love him but stuck through it for the kids. I've now reached a point I'm so miserable and cannot stop thinking about things that hes done. I've spoke to my mum which was a major hurdle and friends also who are of the opinion that I have been mistreated.

I told my husband last week that I no longer love him and want to move out after xmas. He had a breakdown and said he has treated me horribly for basically half my life and has been nothing but nice since. He did say though that if he starts speaking to me horribly again I have to "remind him" to be nice.

This has dragged on for more than I wanted it to but basically I'd like your opinions on if you think this behaviour is just generally moodiness or if its wrong.

Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read this xx

I agree, you are making a very brave decision and it is the right one for you and your children.

I would love to see you escape this man sooner rather than later, but I delayed for a long time even when I wanted to leave and knew I had to, because of various logistical things. I made a judgment call that I would be physically safe in the meantime and could stick it out a little while longer due to XYZ. It wasn't ideal, but life isn't ideal, and it did work out OK (I am now happily separated!). That said, I never had to clean up my H's faeces and then be insulted for not having been in the same state myself :-(

I agree with talking to friends and family you can trust so they can support you and also they are aware of what's going on in case of emergency.

Be very careful that he doesn't create more debt in your name or joint names, and create deliberate crises (such as health or work). Presently he's trying to woo you back, but once he realises you're resolved, he'll change tactics.

If you can afford it, please get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That (on your phone? Keep elsewhere?). It smashes through a lot of the myths about abusive partners and should keep you motivated to keep taking those small steps towards the door.

You’re doing the right thing for your children.

Yea 100% agree. When I properly leave I think his attitude towards me will change.

This, 100%! They can never believe it til I happens and they're SO shocked!

Ohh I will def look into that book, sounds like an interesting read. Yes I think I'm doing the right thing, I wouldnt wish this type of relationship on my kids

He def wouldnt create debt as he is obsessed with money even though we have none lol. I think he will continue to be nice until I do pull.the plug. I'm going to make sure I have everything organised before I do that though

He did say though that if he starts speaking to me horribly again I have to "remind him" to be nice.

He is already telling you that he is not going to stay "nice" OP, this man is dangerous and you need to leave now.

Also the early indicator of an abuser is that they make you responsible the emotional health of them and the relationship as a whole, it starts very early with "I have never been happier than I am with you" to "I love you so much, stay in and don't meet friends tonight" to "I hit you because of how you are, you make me so mad I just lose it and hit you, if you were nicer I would not get angry"

That above statement of how you need to remind him to behave, that is making you responsible for his actions. Get your head out of the clouds and watch and listen to what this man is telling you, He is not going to stay "nice"

If you need a pdf copy of the Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that" so you can keep it hidden on your phone, direct message me and I will email it to any address you need.

Yes your right, I know it myself that over time albeit maybe a longer stretch this time he will just return to previous behaviour because he cant help himself its just who he is. Hes said things such as how can you do this to the kids etc but part of me thinks it's the fear of being alone for him aswell.

If you could email that would be great I'll dm you x

Oh OP I'm glad you have seen him for what he is, you really do deserve to be happy.

How old is your husband?

Hes 30 so only a year between us. He has always acted like an old man, I csnt believe myself that I've stuck around this long and to be honest right now is the best is been for years purely because he knows how I feel. But you can only push someone so far I think

I would refuse to help when he gets drunk and is sick. I would leave him and go home so he can clean up himself. or has he stopped that now he is behaving better.

Can't imagine what damage his attitude towards you has already done to your children to be honest?

He's a control freak. Just leave - people like this rarely change.

Life is precious and it's short so it's important that we're all happy for the most part. Believe me there are way too many, decent guys out there to be wasting life away with this pathetic person huh?

To be honest last time that happened was about a year ago , I def would leave him now. Dont know what I was thinking before to be honest.

My oldest yes, she has previously got upset over the way he has spoke to me. It sort of put the nail in the coffin for me. That's my thinking exactly and to be honest I dont care about meeting anyone else at this point I just want to be able to go to the shops without a timer being on lol.

Thanks everyone for replying I really do appreciate it. I phoned and spoke to womens air just for some advice again. They said as much as yous all had and gave me some other good advice. It is all a total mind f**k to be honest but taking the right steps to try make myself happy again!

Thanks

[Edited by MNHQ to remove name]

Hi, 'Are you married to my ex-husband'? .. yes it's absolutely abusive. It took me far too long to be free from abuse but getting away for my daughter's sake was the best thing I ever could've done as I didn't care enough about myself to do it sooner. I think his behaviour will escalate and you need to be 1 step ahead and play the game to keep yourself safe. Things will get worse before they get better but you are strong enough, after all you've tolerated him for this long. You deserve happiness and love xx

thanks Hapiness73. I really hope so. I've applied for housing so waiting patiently, hoping in the next few weeks I will have something sorted. I haven't told him this as I want life as peaceful as it can be until I drop the bomb so to speak.

Since the last explosion when he was drunk he has promised to never do anything bad again and said he will remove himself from the house if he did.... BS. life is so fake with him pretending to be happy as I know deep down its just not him as much as I do believe he wants it to be.

when we spoke about me wanting to leave which was round about August. He assumed I was leaving him for someone else and that I couldn't possibly want to leave to be alone. this kind of made me think that he doesn't realise how detrimental his actions have been. After discussing it he agreed that his behaviour is a valid reason for wanting to leave.

I applaud you on being where you are, it sounds like you've done the best thing for you and your daughter. I agree things will get worse but in my eyes leaving will be hard but once the dust has settled it will be the best thing for me and my girls. I also think that it will show the "real" him.

I've kind of ranted but yeah, hopefully by summer time I will be alone with my girls.

I think you're doing the right thing. My partner isn't exactly like yours, but I am influenced by his mood and his inability to cope with stress, amongst other things. Out of everything you wrote (and there is a lot that us negative here) this jumped out the most -

he has said on more occasions than I can remember that he is 10 times smarter than me and for me to remember that

He is basically telling you that he doesn't respect you. Some people think they're smarter than others, even if they love them, but to so plainly tell this to your face multiple times and have things just carry on the way they were afterwards shows how far gone this relationship is. How certain behaviours aren't wanted, bit are now normal for you.

I have to "remind him" to be nice.

No, this is dead wrong. You shouldn't have remind anyone to be respectful, especially to their loved one. It shows a worrying lack of self-control or ethics. He needs to regulate his own behaviour, not use other people for that. That work should have been done when he was a child. Also, it's bollocks in a way because I'm sure you've pushed back many times against all of this and he's just ignored it and carried on.

You know, as 'smart' as he thinks he is, he's not really, is he?

and said he has treated me horribly for basically half my life

So here is basically admitted to you that he had full awareness of what was going on, yet did nothing about it. It's funny isn't it how these kind of people are perfectly capable of being reasonable and nice when they wan't to, isn't it? When there's something in it for them.

Thanks for taking the time to reply . You are absolutely right with everything you've said. I like reading the replies, it keeps my head where it has to be . Truly, so thank yous x

OP, he doesn’t sound horrible, he IS horrible. Please don’t let him know when you’re leaving, as I’m genuinely afraid he might turn on you. You said you’re down for housing, have you told the council to post any information to an alternative address? I’d be worried about him finding it and turning on you or destroying it, so you miss out,

I was with an absolute dickhead like that. We starting going out when we were 15 and it ended 3 years later. Basically the same situation. He questioned why I wore certain clothes, why I wore makeup (who I wore it for), would time me when I was out with friends. Once I got him a BD card and present but forgot to bring the card with me when we met up... so he rang me that night when I got home and.. wait for it.... asked me to "read out the barcode on the back of the card". He wrote it down just to make sure I wasn't lying and couldn't just go and buy one on the sly if, I hadn't bought one.

I read this back now and I'm just like... WTF🙄🙄😳😳🤦🏻‍♀️. I got my belly pierced at 16 and he made me take it out because he "didn't like it"
Basically cut me off from my friends.. called me selfish and stupid multiple times. Said I was fat (I was practically skin and bone). He would take food off my plate, that would make me fat. Monitored the amount of butter I put on toast.. the list goes on and on and on.

You need to get away from this creep ASAP. Trust me!!!

Don't tell him, leave when he's out.

Well done OP it really does sound like your brain clicked. I wish mine would, watching you for inspiration! I just can't work out what to do, but watching you with hope!

Omg it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. At least you realised as dawn though him!

Its took me a long time for my brain to be here. I'm not physically there yet but working on that. You will get there.

Is your situation similar to mines?

Think to yourself if you wanna be thinking the same thing and putting up with the same shit in 10 years time? For me it was a definite no.