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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband works with one night stand

35 replies

PorcupinesAndPineTrees · 08/08/2019 09:52

My husband has landed a new job in a shiny new office, great!! Except, for the fact that when I was 16 I had a ONS with this man who turned out to be a sleazy douchbag. I've regretted it ever since and tried to forget the whole thing. Fast forward 4 years and I meet my now husband. About a year into us dating, my cousin starts dating Sleazy Douche. I knew they would never last so I didn't bring it up. Probably a poor decision but I really feel awful about the whole thing. Plus, husband (boyfriend at the time) Really hates this guy.
Cousin and SD break up after dating roughly about a year and I think great!

Husband lands new job and I find out he'll be working with SD. I figure I better tell husband because SD will definitely tell him about me sleeping with him a decade ago and I'd hate for him to be blindsided.

How should I work it without it sounding like a big deal? I feel bad for not mentioning it when cousin was with SD

OP posts:
Wishihad · 08/08/2019 09:56

Hmm theres part of me that thinks I would just deny it, if this man tells you husband.

I know the sensible thing is to tell your husband and that's what you should do.

But honestly part of me just thinks I would deny it all. The guy isnt going to have proof is he?

Sorry I am not being very helpful.

Original poster
PorcupinesAndPineTrees · 08/08/2019 09:58

My poker face is terrible, husband would be able to see right through it. Plus it doesn't make me look very trustworthy if I deny it, iyswim

OP posts:
Ellabella989 · 08/08/2019 10:00

You could “remind” your partner and when he acts surprised by the news you could be like “I thought I told you this ages ago?!”.

Aposterhasnoname · 08/08/2019 10:00

If he mentions it laugh and say “in his dreams”. He never mentioned it to your cousin I guess, therefore he hasn’t got a single shred of evidence.

Original poster
PorcupinesAndPineTrees · 08/08/2019 10:01

Nope that wouldn't work either, his memory is sharp like a tack. I do want to be honest with him, not sure how to find the words. Although it's not a big deal is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PorcupinesAndPineTrees · 08/08/2019 10:01

Unfortunately he has mentioned it to her

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 08/08/2019 10:04

Hang on, really? What words would this guy use to inform his new colleague that he's shagged his wife? It doesn't sound remotely likely to me.

Original poster
PorcupinesAndPineTrees · 08/08/2019 10:05

I live in a small village, this guy is a scumbag who likes to stir the pot

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 08/08/2019 10:06

No man is going to tell another man they shagged their wife 10 years ago.

Why on earth do you have to tell your husband who you had a sex with at 16!

NoBaggyPants · 08/08/2019 10:09

You slept with him years ago. Tell him if you want to, but it's surely not a big deal either way.

sassandfaff · 08/08/2019 10:09

"I've never told anyone this, because I regret doing it, but I had a ONS with SD when I was 16".

Cobblersandhogwash · 08/08/2019 10:10

Erm I'm not sure why this is a problem.

You made a mistake as a very young woman. Long before you met your Dh.

Oh dear. Oh well. We have all made mistakes.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 10:11

Hang on, when he told your cousin that he slept with you, you didnt tell your dh at that point. Even though you knew he was telling people?

Who you slept with at 16 isnt a big deal.

But I do think it's more of a big deal given that you have had interaction with him and never told your dh. It's going to sound like you have hidden its especially since your cousin and probably other people know.

It's a difficult one because it's going to make his new job feel a bit shit.

Honestly, you probably should tell him what you said here you know you should have told him but you wanted to forget it even happened.

MammaMia19 · 08/08/2019 10:12

You’re allowed to have had a life before your husband!
I wouldn’t bring it up. If sleazy ex tells your husband (which I doubt he will if he never told your cousin and it’s a weird thing to do anyway) just say yeah I did but it’s not relevant as I was 16, it was a ons not something I think about.

MammaMia19 · 08/08/2019 10:13

Oh he did tell your cousin! I’d still go with saying nothing unless your husband brings it up. I don’t see the big deal that you slept with him

Parent999 · 08/08/2019 10:15

There is trouble ahead, do you want it in your marriage or at your husbands work? thats the only choice. Just come out and tell him everything, quickly. This douche will taunt your husband with it, do you want your husbands anger at you or the douche? you cant control how he reacts but just make sure he knows everything so he is armed when the douche starts.
Your husband can come back with what a crap shag the douche was and the your husband married you. Its silly bravado I know but please just tell your husband quickly, he needs to be forewarned and armed.

AHamsterInAWheel · 08/08/2019 10:20

Make your mind up OP! You've already posted another thread saying how your DH is annoyed at you because has found out from this guy that you slept with him.

pooopypants · 08/08/2019 10:25

You were 16, ages before you even met your DH

Complete non issue for me. I mean, you did actually live before you met

Honeyroar · 08/08/2019 10:29

You really should be able to tell your husband something like that. Just say "before I met you I got really drunk and ended up having a quick fling with sleazy guy. It's something I'd love to forget about, but I'm worried that he will rub your nose in it, because he's an arsehole, so I'm letting you know."

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 10:35

Hang on. Is this the second job you dh has taken where someone has told him something about your past?

Are you keeping these things hidden from your husband on purpose?

Because not telling you slept with someone, fair enough?

But the other thread makes it sound like you havent told him anything about your past and presenting as someone different to who you actually are?

IamtheOA · 08/08/2019 10:45

I think the point is that OP doesn't want her DH to be wrong footed if sleazy guy tells?

I'm not sure there are any right answers here.
It sounds like you're in one of those small places where everyone is with everyone at some point.

If your biggest worry really is your dh being blindsided then just tell him you had a fling and you regret it.

I'd be tempted to tell your Dh if it was really bad too ( just so he doesn't feel too uncomfortable in the day to day).
Then if sleazy dude tells your dh, then he can just smirk and say " I know" and then walk off with a skip in his step....

SignedUpJust4This · 08/08/2019 10:45

Don't say a word. I don't think SD will either.

SignedUpJust4This · 08/08/2019 10:46

You could “remind” your partner and when he acts surprised by the news you could be like “I thought I told you this ages ago?!”.

Aka gaslighting

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 10:56

Well turns out he already knows. So not sure whatcthevpointbif this post was.

OP chose not to tell him.

DerelictWreck · 08/08/2019 11:01

Hmm theres part of me that thinks I would just deny it

You could “remind” your partner and when he acts surprised by the news you could be like “I thought I told you this ages ago?!

Jesus Christ some people on here are shits to their partners.

OP just tell him it was something that happened when you were 16 which you'd like to forget, but given they'll be working together you wanted your husband to have the full pictrue.