Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my sex life over?

48 replies

DanceItOut · 08/08/2019 00:17

My husband and I have been together 12 years and married for 7 years. We have two kids 10 and 7. I have had sex about 5 times this year. I have orgasmed none of those times. Over the years my husband has grown so incredibly selfish and lazy when it comes to sex, no foreplay or only half arsed foreplay that actually is just uncomfortable. He hardly lasts long at all and no interest in finishing me off afterwards either. I have tried outfits and toys to try and get him more interested and tried talking with him about it honestly but he just gets defensive and won't talk about it. I know for a fact he isn't cheating but he does watch plenty of porn.

Tonight he seemed interested in sex, except the foreplay I got was his rough fingers poking none too gently at me in a way that was just painful and not sexy before he popped on condom and lube and started thrusting away for about 7 minutes before getting pissed off with the condom giving up and just up and leaving the bedroom.

I'm 30 years old and I know 69 year olds with more active sex lives then me! I love my husband but I'm beginning to feel like my sex life is already over before I've even made it to middle aged. What can I do?

OP posts:
lostpigeon · 08/08/2019 00:23

talk to him about it before coming on here moaning!

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 00:23

this seems to be a question for youre husband not mumsnet

lostpigeon · 08/08/2019 00:23

having read it again, you have, leave him/have an affair then :)

Chouxalacreme · 08/08/2019 00:26

Same boat here
Seems more common than people realise
Sorry no help at all I’ve no idea and tried talking blah blah but nothing changes

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/08/2019 00:27

The OP said she's tried talking to her husband about it! That's why she's asking here....

LadyB49 · 08/08/2019 00:27

Im sorry you are dissatisfied and agree that you deserve better than this. I am 70 and get more and better action than this.
Your husband is being very selfish and as you've said only thinking of himself.
Do you try guide him as to what you want.... Slower...softer...a little more gentle.... Let's do this a little longer, I'm not just ready yet.

I find that some guidance helps.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/08/2019 00:30

He's plainly not going to listen to guidance though, he's treating the OP like a wank sock.

OP, I honestly dont know what to suggest. He's selfish and lazy and won't listen or talk even though he knows it makes you feel like shit.

pebblemix · 08/08/2019 00:32

I don’t blame you for being frustrated. He’s being lazy and selfish and sounds like he’s checked out. You could have another 40 years of this! Has he always had a selfish side? How about going to a sex therapist? You deserve a healthy satisfying sex life. It sounds like he doesn’t fancy you anymore and if he won’t work with you to sort it out then I’m not sure what you can do about that other than find somebody with a more compatible sex drive

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/08/2019 00:33

And yes, it's much more common than people think. My DP isn't selfish, but he is lazy and doesn't want sex very often. I have gone over it and over it, both in my head and with him. He literally doesn't know why Confused
Our relationship is almost perfect otherwise, but it's a huge sticking point for me.

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 00:36

wait a minute a few posters seem to be suggesting her husband or partners in general owe them sex they dont they can refuse sex for any reason on no reason and should not be pressured into doing it. NO MEANS NO

FuriousVexation · 08/08/2019 00:58

Nobody has a right to have sex with a person who doesn't want it.

They do however have a right to leave the relationship due to a lack of sexual fulfilment.

Original poster
DanceItOut · 08/08/2019 01:06

I'm not saying he owes me sex and I have tried talking about it multiple times over the past six months. But we now seem to have got into a double rut where he doesn't mind having a quickie that's fine for him to finish but doesn't want to out in more effort for me and I don't really want to have sex if I'm not going to enjoy it. I mean...I don't mind if he comes first if he's then willing to continue other activities until I do afterwards so it's not as if I'm even making a big deal about the stamina or anything but even when I have tried to offer instructions in making it a bit better for me he just gets offended. I don't understand because for the first 7 years we had a very active sex life and it was enjoyable for us both but after that I do think it was a slow downhill slide but recently it's just been terrible.

Unfortunately I don't see us having the spare cash for a sex therapist. I suppose it's possible that he may just not fancy me anymore but I'm not exactly horrific to look at. I'm not a supermodel and I have stretch marks from our children but I'm still relatively young and healthy. Sex isn't the only factor in a relationship and I can understand that there might be dry spells etc. But I'm not sure I can put up with more than another year of this if he isn't even willing to admit there's an issue.

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/08/2019 01:14

@themmatricc who has said she is owed sex? Hmm

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 01:38

@themmatricc who has said she is owed sex? hmm

well many posters have called him selfish for having a sex life he wants he is not selfish for not having sex you are not owed sex by someone you are not being selfish if you say no

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 01:48

you deserve better than this. most clearest one you op deserve to have more sex no account for the husband not wanting to do it as is his right no he should have sex even if he dosnt want to to please the op

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/08/2019 01:50

However you paint it, not making sure your partner is enjoying it is selfish.

Sadiesnakes · 08/08/2019 02:02

He's clearly porn addicted. Please op, educate yourself re the signs and symptoms.
Yes your dh does owe you a sex life, it's called being married. Instead he's choosing to masturbate to other women online instead of his wife because he's lazy, selfish and addicted.
This is becoming a huge epidemic, with daily posts here re lack of sex, turning out to be massive porn use by 'd'h.
This will do nothing for you but shred your self esteem and self image, and any trust and respect you have for him, whilst he will continue to lie, deceive and gaslight.
I'd find out the extent of his porn use, ie, daily, hourly, etc. Then I'd sit down with him and ask him how much he is using porn, and wait for the lies and minimizing to roll.

Sorry op, really shit situation to be inThanks

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 02:02

However you paint it, not making sure your partner is enjoying it is selfish. you have the right to be selfish you dont have the right to guilt someone or pressure someone into doing something they dont want to do.

pebblemix · 08/08/2019 02:05

Yes he has the right to say no but he’s not saying no. He’s doing it, coming to his own satisfaction and then leaving her high and dry with no care or finishing off for her. That’s selfish and not ok. Don’t do it, ok and then she can finish the relationship and look elsewhere but he’s doing it but doing it badly and taking offence at her raising the issue. She doesn’t have to take one for the team or lie back and think of England. He’s being sexually selfish. That’s different to saying no.

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 02:11

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
read this *Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1

Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex*
In a healthy relationship, you never have to have sexual contact when you don’t want to. Sexual contact without your consent is assault. Sexual coercion means feeling forced to have sexual contact with someone.
Examples of sexual coercion Wearing you down by asking for sex again and again or making you feel bad, guilty, or obligated nope no posters are suggesting the op makes the husband feel bad or guilty or obligated
Telling you that not having sex will hurt your relationship

themmatricc · 08/08/2019 02:13

Yes your dh does owe you a sex life, it's called being married. so what do you do if the husband says no

Sadiesnakes · 08/08/2019 02:29

@themmatricc The problem op has is obviously going way over your head.Hmm

Good thing you started another thread about this thread to let us all know how concerned you are for OP's dh, and all the other porn addicted dh's that have needy, whiny sex mad wives trying to stand in the way of their love affairs with their dicks and computer screens.

Lweji · 08/08/2019 03:41

so what do you do if the husband says no

Find another.

Lweji · 08/08/2019 03:48

you have the right to be selfish you dont have the right to guilt someone or pressure someone into doing something they dont want to do.

If only he'd warn the OP before he got his own orgasm that he wasn't interested in getting her to have one.

I suppose the way is for you not to allow penetration before you have it, OP.

And treat porn as you'd treat an affair.

Scott72 · 08/08/2019 04:44

"And treat porn as you'd treat an affair."
I don't think many people would agree with that.

OP its nothing you've done and its not your appearance. His sexual desire for you has dropped, probably some combination of becoming bored with the marriage and his libido dropping on top of that. Porn usage is not the only factor, or even the main factor here, but certainly would play a part.

But he sounds like he doesn't care very much for you or perhaps even love you very much. Barely bothering with foreplay, and what he does do is too rough? You've told him about this and he doesn't care? That doesn't sound good.