Is my sex life over?

[DanceItOut]

My husband and I have been together 12 years and married for 7 years. We have two kids 10 and 7. I have had sex about 5 times this year. I have orgasmed none of those times. Over the years my husband has grown so incredibly selfish and lazy when it comes to sex, no foreplay or only half arsed foreplay that actually is just uncomfortable. He hardly lasts long at all and no interest in finishing me off afterwards either. I have tried outfits and toys to try and get him more interested and tried talking with him about it honestly but he just gets defensive and won't talk about it. I know for a fact he isn't cheating but he does watch plenty of porn.

Tonight he seemed interested in sex, except the foreplay I got was his rough fingers poking none too gently at me in a way that was just painful and not sexy before he popped on condom and lube and started thrusting away for about 7 minutes before getting pissed off with the condom giving up and just up and leaving the bedroom.

I'm 30 years old and I know 69 year olds with more active sex lives then me! I love my husband but I'm beginning to feel like my sex life is already over before I've even made it to middle aged. What can I do?

@themmatricc what a pile of complete nonsense. You're entire premise shows not an iota of of real life understanding about the nature of relationships and consent.

It doesn't come from a book or a government edict.

It comes through communication between the parties in a relationship. About mutually understood and accepted needs and desires within a relationship -

If the OP entered in to a relationship where sex was the norm - as it is in many marriages and both have consented (and continued to consent - he is not refusing) yet the nature of the sexual act has changed to be less preferable to one party - then of course that one party can feel aggrieved. !

It has nothing to do with 'rights' or 'consent'. It has everything to do with reasonable behaviour and communication within a relationship. If the OPs husband had an illness or disability causing a change, or problems on his mind affecting performance then he needs to communicate this and the OP should understand. Not to communicate a reason for a change and to continue to refuse all discussion IS selfish.

It isn't for you dear so it ain't gonna change afraid. Move on

Thanks for coming along @Scott72 and defending male porn use, yet again, and explaining what's actually going on with op and her dh.
Thread over because a man says that op's dh excessive porn use isn't the cause of his lack of interest in real sex, because that would be so rare and unusual these days and it's just because doesn't love you. Sorry op.

So porn will, all by itself, warp a man so severely he'll seriously lose interest in his wife sexually, will become sexually selfish, unloving and uncaring. If it wasn't for porn this man would be a loving, caring, enthusiastic, wonderful partner?

@DanceItOut - Please do feel free to ignore @themmatricc entirely; I have no idea what planet they're from.

You have a problem that your husband appears both unwilling and unable to address.

My sense is that if you went into counselling yourself, you'd find that your predicament isn't solely limited to your frankly awful and one-sided sex life, but rather that your sex life is a symptom of a bigger problem with the relationship as a whole. You seem to have disappeared to him.

You have the right to a fulfilling physical life, and if you're not getting that (and probably not getting much else of true value from your husband besides), and if he isn't interested in communicating, then I would be very seriously considering that your marriage is over in all but name and duty. Which isn't much of a marriage at all.

Look @Scott72, I get how important porn is to you and you defend it on all these threads, over and over again. That's good for you and all, but you are not and never will be, a woman who's husband has decided to make porn a preference to real sex, and yes, porn does warp men's real sex drive with a real woman, apart from making him a shit selfish lover it also causes him to lie, betray, deceive, gas light and wreak his partners self esteem, so again everything op has described in her dh is more then likely down to his porn use.

I suggest you educate yourself with the damage excessive porn use has on women and marriages, apart from reading it everyday here, by visiting r/loveafterporn for thousands of devastated wives and marriages, and r/pornfree for accounts from thousands of actual men (shock), who describe how porn has ruined their attraction to real women, their wives, caused PIED. Made them feel worthless and shameful because of the inappropriate thoughts constantly in their minds as a result to watching it everyday.
And the genuine remorse for the relationships they ruined and lost as a result.

@DanceItOut is the concern the sex is bad or that it has gone from great to bad ?

I would worry that he was pulling out of the relationship emotionally as he is detaching from your needs sexually ( provided you are active in foreplay for him to this is concerning because he was caring beforehand ) I would
Really try to pin him down not about the sex but what is wrong ... what has changed for him.

I had similar issues ( sex disappeared ) and it turned out partner was pulling away from relationship we managed to get back on track but I really had to work to get out of him what was wrong ( the lack of affection was the concern not the sex @themmatricc when someone substantially changes how they are with you in a negative way it needs to be addressed to ensure you are on the right track still and they are happy in the relationship ) x

Op what you are describing is exactly why I don't have sex/relationships with men who use porn. No sex is better than shit porn damaged sex.

He sounds very selfish. And the porn is clearly a major issue.

I feel a little offended that someone thinks I pressure my husband for sex. No I do not. In fact I rarely even start it because I know that it won't be enjoyable for me. I have however opened conversations multiple times over 6 or so months about how we could maybe improve our sex life to make it more enjoyable for both of us and also had conversations that don't mention sex at all while asking him if there's anything wrong with him stressed tired etc does he need a day off work, should we find someone to have the kids and go away for a relaxing weekend etc? I've NOT been asking him for sex over and over and over again. So no, I am not pressuring my husband.

My issue is that something has changed and something has gone wrong and he refuses to acknowledge it or discuss it. If he told me he was having issues then of course I would be understanding and at least realise its not just that he isn't interest it pleasuring me but there is a problem that we can work on. If he just plain doesn't want me anymore then I would rather know so that I can decide if it's a deal breaker long term or not. It's the fact that I am beginning to go batty from sexual encounters starting then being over just as I start to get turned on.

Porn could be an issue. I don't mind him watching porn and never have minded and we've even watched porn together before and I've watched porn by myself before on occasion. It's just not something I do all the time but I know he probably watches it every day because whenever I use his phone (just to clarify before someone assumes I'm invading privacy and spying, it is common for both of us to just pick up whoever's phone is closest when we are both home to look something up online such as conversions of money or weights etc or a certain date for something I'm not abusing my husband in some way by touching his phone) anyway every time I open the browser on his phone to look something up there are multiple porn pages open and he does indeed deny it when I say things like "really you need 12 pages at once?" Jokingly NOT accusingly. So perhaps he has crossed the line from healthy use of porn into an addiction.

@Sadiesnakes I think you're misinterpreting @Scott72 quite unfairly. They haven't 'defended' porn use - they said it is likely to be a factor. They're just pointing out that it's unlikely that if porn didn't exist, OP's husband would be a caring and thoughtful lover. They're pointing out that his own selfish choices and actions are a factor. He's not simply a victim of porn. He's an adult who is choosing to make selfish choices.

@themmatricc what an absurd point of view. OP isn't claiming any right to sex. She's upset that when she and her husband have sex, he doesn't care about her enjoyment of it. You've obviously just come on here with an agenda and don't particularly care if it fits the facts.

TWELVE open porn pages! That’s definitely excessive.

@vasya Not misinterpretating anything at all, thank you very much. Scott72 often pops in to let us know how "normal' porn use is.

As for saying ops dh is a poor victim of porn addiction, I'm not sure where you've misinterpreted that from. He's obviously chosen to disregard his sex life in favour of porn use and 12 open pages certainly put the accuracy of my posts to rest.

"My issue is that something has changed and something has gone wrong and he refuses to acknowledge it or discuss it."

I suppose the usual subjects above will say that porn is this unidentified issue you are concerned about. Porn, and porn alone, has taken over his life and turned him from a loving husband to a selfish, apathetic boor! I say this is unhelpful and probably wrong. He sounds depressed. Anxious. Something has changed. Perhaps he's having some kind of emotional crisis. Perhaps he's just fallen out of love with you.

If he won't talk about it though, I'm not sure what you can do. The porn use if more a symptom than a cause. He's bored, he's depressed, he's trying to distract himself. Its not healthy, its disrespectful to you, but its not the cause.

themmatricc you are just spoiling this thread with your ridiculous unpunctuated posts which are diverting from OP getting some proper help.

I'm a woman and I agree on some level with @Scott72 but I think this guy has a serious porn habit which is desensitising him to intimacy and that cannot be helping this situation. If they had a previously good sex life then we can only assume that he has stopped putting effort in, why? Lets be really honest, it's extremely common in long term relationships for sexual intimacy to wain so no I don't think it's just the porn use but it will certainly be a factor now.

So I guess the real question is how do I get him to start opening up about any of it? I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or insulting him but surely a marriage can't be fixed if he won't even communicate. I don't suppose anyone has any tips for easing him into communication?

Is there anyway you can go to Relate? How would he react to you suggesting it fo you think?

Relate have a free live chat service that you might want to try?

Op has stated that she loves her husband and hasn't said he's lacking in any other aspect of their lives together, she's not calling him an apathetic boor, or stating he is unloving in any other aspect apart from sex. She has stated every time she looks in his phone he has porn open, sometime 12 pages. He's no longer interested in sex with her, this doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
Yes there will be sexual lulls in a marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, illness, depression etc and many men deal with this without becoming addicted to porn and when the difficulties pass, sex will resume as normal.
Op states this is not the case here, she has tried to spice things up to regain his attention to no avail. This is clearly because he has become addicted to porn.
Yes there are many reasons why a man may become addicted to porn, all those are selfish and none justify the outcome, which is a damaged relationship at best.

Not misinterpretating anything at all, thank you very much. Scott72 often pops in to let us know how "normal' porn use is.

As for saying ops dh is a poor victim of porn addiction, I'm not sure where you've misinterpreted that from. He's obviously chosen to disregard his sex life in favour of porn use and 12 open pages certainly put the accuracy of my posts to rest.

Isn't the point that a lot of men (and women) do use porn, and still have very healthy intimate relationships with their partners? Maybe your view is that those two things are mutually exclusive, but I expect that isn't representative of a lot of people's experience.

@Scott72 seems to me to be saying that while OP's husband appears to have a porn problem, it's unhelpful to simply point that out as being the answer to everything, as though an addiction to porn has just swooped down out of nowhere and claimed a victim.

What has led him to this point of such total selfishness? Is he unhappy, bored, depressed, emotionally checked out of the marriage, having an affair, stressed etc? It's very likely an interplay of several different factors.

@vasya oh for the love of god, no ones taking your porn away from you any time soon so you and Scott72 can relax.

OMG - you are 30 years old. You need to get out. He simply does not care abut you. Don't waste any more time trying to talk to him, he's not listening and he doesn't care. He is taking no responsibility for the health of your relationship. At this rate it will not survive anyway, so don't waste any more time. Take it from someone who did waste far too much time in an untenable situation.