Told to leave

[Unusual123]

Right my relationship with my wife is all in her terms. She earns more she plans the holidays and I have to do everything that she says. I'm trying to improve our relationship but it's difficult due to her not speaking to me whatsoever. I have this wrong that wrong we are not going out we are not this that the other. Won't let me get a word in. I do more than my share with our children and around the house but after I've done the shopping I've little or nothing left.
How a week changes. Last week she went out with friends and I came home to no dinner. No problem. Put our children to bed sorted out some dinner for myself and tidied up and did the ironing.
24 hrs later she's ripping my head off and telling me all sort how I've failed etc. The kids love her more than me the list goes on

Now she wants me to leave so in the space of 4 days she's got estate agent coming round to value the house and get me out as soon as possible. Then the holiday at Christmas I'm not going now and she's taking our children if I like it or not.
Is the rational behaviour

The marriage is over.
Don't leave the house and get legal advise now.
There is a process to divorce and you can't be made homeless or be forced to leave your children.
Get the house sale stopped legally if necessary until due divorce process is completed.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is salvageable but, given what you have said about your wife, why you would want to save it is beyond me.

Is the house in both your names? If so tell the Estate Agent to take it off the market. Stay put and live there with the children. If you do a fair bit of the sorting out the DC and getting them off to school and feeding etc then I suggest you stay in the house with the children and she leaves. Can you afford to pay all the bills?

Arrange for her to have contact on a 50/50 basis. See a solicitor for advice but do not leave your home.You may have to be very decisive and show her you are not at the mercy of her decision-making. You are equals.

Sounds a bit like my DM who met up with a childhood crush and entered into an affair. She planned to move him into the family home and that my DF would go back up north to where he lived before they married. Her chap was just going to move in with my sisters. Well, my DF didn't just roll over and accept it. My DM ended up sofa-surfing until she and her partner sorted out a rented place and the kids decided they wanted to stay in the family home with DF.
She too used to make all the decisions and present them as a fait accomplit like DF would come home from work to find the whole house have been re-carpetted. He was never given any say.

Incidentally how does she behave with your children? Do they have any choices?

Stand up for yourself
Calmly say I am not leaving.
She wants to break up the marriage let her leave.
She will even respect you more for it.
Probably has got someone waiting in the wings as pp has suggested.

Since the children were born I did my full share with their upbringing. I was totally involved in everything sleepless night even when she was on maternity leave. Never said no to anything. Now been a man my wife got the children into theses mother group that I never knew existed so when I was free I took the boys. The only man in the room with twenty something women. Nothing fazed me I took it all in my stride. Then she went back to work and started getting bossy and tell me everything that I'm doing wrong from cleaning to everything. Then 3 yrs later I am where I am been told what to do.
I love my children with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. So for a man not to wake up every morning and not feed and play with his children prior to dropping them off for the day is going to kill. So maybe in the long run it will be better that I won't be told how or what to do then just be myself with them whilst she not around because I'm always on edge wondering if she's watching me and checking what I'm doing.
I really appreciate all the helpful word of encouragement and advice from you all.
( and no mention of the D word )

She is forcing me to leave or she will and will then tell the world that I forced her and the children out of their home.

You need to grow a backbone. See a solicitor as soon as possible. Don't leave your home. Call her bluff and let her move out. Don't let her just leave with your children, they're just as much yours as they are hers. If you can honestly say that you do an equal amount or more of the childcare/parenting, push for at least 50/50 contact.

There is another option.

You say you would do anything for them.

So take a leave of absence from work, tell HER to leave and continue to live in the house with your children.

If this was a woman posting everyone would be pointing out it is coercive control. The partner controls everything, and repeatedly derided and criticises the OP when they've done nothing. No one would be telling them to grow a backbone.

I'm really sorry you're in this position OP. Do you believe that she would leave it you stay, has she got anywhere to stay? If she tells people you've forced her out then you need to make it clear that she is still welcome, it is her home too. Whatever you decide to do, please see a solicitor as soon as possible.

If this was a woman posting everyone would be pointing out it is coercive control. The partner controls everything, and repeatedly derided and criticises the OP when they've done nothing. No one would be telling them to grow a backbone.

Yes, I would. I would also tell them to preserve their dignity and stop trying to force a relationship with a man that has told them he no longer wants to be in a relationship and made it clear he doesn't love or respect them. Growing a backbone and turning your hurt/grief/desperation into healthy, motivating anger is the best way to protect yourself from being screwed and trampled over like this wife is currently trying to do.

I've been to a solicitor this morning and he's said that I shouldn't leave the house until we agree a separation agreement. I don't think that will go down well as I think she think I'm stupid.
Thank you all for the encouragement advice and help

It probably won't go down well and she will probably become more unpleasant. Stay very calm but strong and explain that you are not forcing her out but you don't wish to leave your home or your children and as she is the one ending things then you don't need to do things on her terms. You simply want to reach an agreement.

Well done and what @Starlight2004 said.

Omg well done @Unusual123!! I read post after post after post on here, with people getting great advice and never following it.

You took the advice here onboard and followed it right away! Good for you.

It's going to get very difficult now, but keep going. I too suspect she has someone else. Look after yourself and your kids. How are the coping with all this?

Once again op, be very very careful. Once you tell her you’re not going until there is a separation agreement she will try everything.
She will now try to bait you and claim you’re abusive to get you out. Despite you being the one abused, all she needs to do is accuse you and people will believe her because she’s a woman. Then your entire world falls apart. If she does get you out expect the parental alienation to start immediately.

Glad you've taken legal advice. Your wife needs a rude awakening that she can't just order people around. I'd also suggest you Google relationship 180. It may or may not get her back but it could help you get some respect and that is the most important thing right now, apart from your Dcs obviously.

My DH and DD adore each other and she always calls for him first. I couldnt imagine forcing them to be apart. Your wife is behaving like a complete asshole, whatever her reasons. Don't rise to it.

Missed you updates. Good for you.
Eventually, mediation may work well for you, particularly when it comes to decide what happens in relation to the children.
There are differing opinions on what's best (a main resident parent or 50-50), but remember to think of the children first and foremost.
Your language should reflect your thoughts, and they should be with whom the children will be more stable, get better care, get more attention, etc. Ultimately, how will they be happier?

If you have that frame of mind, she is also less likely to fight you for them, as such.
But don't try to make her look as a bad mother.

Keep with the legal advice and also try to get real life support among family and friends if you haven't yet.

Well this morning is the first time in 10 days she's been civil. Not sure if was the belly full of wine last night or the realisation that this is not going to be easy with her job.
I'll never neglect my children I will take have them as regular as possible even if I've got to help her out as you are all correct. The only thing that matters now is the children

Get legal advice and don't do anything hasty. If your wife is certain marriage is over let her be the one to leave. Hope all goes well for you. I have been where you are it won't last for ever.

Why would she and the children be leaving if you are, as you say, their primary carer? Who actually looks after the children day to day? Who makes breakfast, picks them up and drops them off, washes their clothes, changes their sheets etc? That’s the parent who should be staying in the family home, with the children, to minimise disruption.

If this was a woman posting everyone would be pointing out it is coercive control. The partner controls everything, and repeatedly derided and criticises the OP when they've done nothing.

Absolutely no doubt about it.

No one would be telling them to grow a backbone.

I totally agree with this and I don't buy the denial.

OP... don't be fooled by her sudden civility. Be on your guard and try and avoid being alone with her.

I've seen a thread on here were a woman admitted to filing a false assault report to get her STBXH out of the house during their separation.

She initially thought as the man, he had to leave and when she realised violence against her was the only thing to get him out, she did... then proceeded to get a restraining order.

Please do not trust her

If this was a woman posting everyone would say the spouse's behaviour was coercive. It does sound like the wife has displayed controlling behaviour throughout the marriage.

My ex was the breadwinner and always decided where we went on holiday. Same destination for 12 years.

Omg. How can anyone abuse me the way I'm been abused today. If I'm not getting it my mother is.
My mother lives 400 miles away in a different country and because she never answered a few picture messages and somehow disrespected my wife how I don't know.
Yesterday I buckled a little and yes here she is in full flow today threatening and abusive towards every member of my family.she convinced me yesterday not to tell them we were breaking up. I cried my eyes out and told her I'd do anything to put this right and 24 hrs later the monster returns with some vengeance

I want to run a million miles away for her but I won't because of our children

Do you have a RL friend you can talk to? It's sounds awful but you can see this through.

I can think of reasons why she doesn't want family to know of the separation but why should you lie for her!!

Keep strong, my friend, think of your kids. Stay tight, don't engage with her and you will get through this.

This is another thread with a man who was going through something very similar. He's got to the other end now. I shall try and find it for you.

Make sure you keep a record of the abuse to protect yourself. Its very likely she will try to claim you are the abusive one, make sure someone you know has a copy of the evidence in case you are arrested.
STAY CALM and dont rise to any provocations. If I were you I would stop engaging, or at least limit discussions to practical matters only.
When the bullying tactics dont work she will likely get legal advice, unfortunately solicitors base their advice on what they are told. This means non molestation and occupation orders to get you out of the house and a police report of dv helps with this.

On a side note, stop begging and promising to do anything to put it right. If she's made her decision its time to discuss arrangements for the children and splitting the finances.

women can be nasty, abusive bitches too OP.
Sounds like she's one of them.
Get legal advice so she doesn't shaft you - sounds like she's been planning this for a while.

You still there buddy? Hows it going?