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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told to leave

75 replies

Unusual123 · 07/08/2019 22:21

Right my relationship with my wife is all in her terms. She earns more she plans the holidays and I have to do everything that she says. I'm trying to improve our relationship but it's difficult due to her not speaking to me whatsoever. I have this wrong that wrong we are not going out we are not this that the other. Won't let me get a word in. I do more than my share with our children and around the house but after I've done the shopping I've little or nothing left.
How a week changes. Last week she went out with friends and I came home to no dinner. No problem. Put our children to bed sorted out some dinner for myself and tidied up and did the ironing.
24 hrs later she's ripping my head off and telling me all sort how I've failed etc. The kids love her more than me the list goes on

Now she wants me to leave so in the space of 4 days she's got estate agent coming round to value the house and get me out as soon as possible. Then the holiday at Christmas I'm not going now and she's taking our children if I like it or not.
Is the rational behaviour

OP posts:
candycane222 · 08/08/2019 09:17

It sounds as though the relationship is over - why would you want to stay with someone who is so horrible to you. I assume you have tried to talk about it in the past? But if someone wants a relationship to be over, whether their reasons seem good or bad to you, then the relationship is over. It takes two to make a relationship and she's clearly checked out.

But that doesn't mean she can make you homeless, unless you have been violent or abusive towards her or the children, which I assume you have not.

bluebell34567 · 08/08/2019 09:24

agree with candycane.
dont leave and find a good solicitor asap.

KUGA · 08/08/2019 09:35

Tell her you are going no-where.
If she wants out,open the door for her.
Sounds to me she has another man in her life.
Reading about how much you do ,she will find it hard to get someone like yourself .
Good luck for the future.

Parent999 · 08/08/2019 09:37

Im sorry OP but I just want to scream about the danger youre in. You need to be very very careful now, dont engage in any arguments, dont raise your voice. You want to avoid any opportunity she might have to claim youre abusive. I know its absolutely heart breaking but you have to put your feelings aside and steel yourself. As soon as you refuse to leave until finances and the children's contact is agreed, she will likely try everything to get you out. Occupation orders, non molestation orders etc. No one thinks the person they love and married is capable of this and those are the ones that end up homeless, fighting to see their kids for years and years.

TwistyTop · 08/08/2019 09:42

Oooh, a man posting about his wife being unreasonable! You are very brave OP!! Hope you're wearing a thick skin today...

Sounds like your wife has done you a favour really. The relationship sounds awful. How can you live like that? Surely it wouldn't have been too long before you would have left her anyway, given how unhappy you are.

I suppose the main thing to think about now is the children. You need to take some legal advice asap to organise where they will live - do you want full custody or joint custody? I would take this advice now, before she puts the house on the market. Get your ducks in a row - aka get your shit together. Sounds like your wife wants a fight and things could get messy.

Lweji · 08/08/2019 10:22

I'd advise you to communicate about the relationship via a written medium. Text or email.
You may need it.

Lweji · 08/08/2019 10:24

On a side note, there seem to be more people saying the OP will be roasted than pps doing any roasting, but don't let preconceptions get in the way of a good "men are treated badly on MN" stereotype.

parent999 · 08/08/2019 10:28

@lweji
I dont want to derail the poor guys thread but just to clarify, "roasting" was a bit strong but I do find men are immediately questioned on the truth and validity of whether they really did the cooking or look after the kids. Given all the mess in this situation many jump straight on the "dinner expected" comment. Just saying, its hard to concentrate on the real issue when its sidetracked.

Lweji · 08/08/2019 10:32

Yes, but so many female threads are also analysed to the nth degree. Pps are just reinforcing the stereotype without verifying it.

Just answer the thread. No need for warnings.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 08/08/2019 13:55

Do not leave the house!!

She sounds awful op.

I went a bit bonkers like this when my children were younger. Was bogged down with life and just couldn't believe this was it.

Lunde · 08/08/2019 17:18

You need to go and see a solicitor and get proper legal advice before you do anything hasty like leaving the house.

You write that you have wanted to improve the relationship - so what have you tried so far to achieve this?

It sounds as though the relationship is dead - she doesn't like you and you don't seem to like her either given your complaints about her behaviour and going out without making your dinner. Perhaps you would both be happier separately. It seems like something has happened recently that constitutes a "final straw" for your wife and it is difficult to speculate what that mights be - but it seems that it has made up her mind to leave the relationship.

Original poster
Unusual123 · 08/08/2019 23:21

I'm not complaining about dinner in my rant I mentioned it it's not the problem here. I'm more than capable of making myself food but if you work all day and come home at 8 pm would you expect something when your other half decides to go out?? So the food is not the issue here

However is it reasonable that she's decided after 4 days to get an estate agent round to value our home. Then tell me to get out of the house ASAP even though she know I've nowhere to go. So I've got to rent something which takes longer than a week or two. Which she's not happy about either but I want as much time with my children as I can so I'm not going to rent some dog hole of a place where she wouldn't let them stay. And I'm gonna have to buy the furniture etc etc so that's doesn't happen in a week does it. Why should I be thrown out onto the street and expected to take that for no reason other than she's decided to loose the plot and rip apart our family

OP posts:
KellyHall · 08/08/2019 23:37

Don't leave the house, you need to keep some physical possession of it.

Speak to a solicitor.

Make sure your children know how much you love them, that it isn't their fault, that it will get resolved one way or another, etc.

Divorce seems like a horrible thing at the time but it can be the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

Children need happy, stable parents they can depend on so be the bigger person.

CassettesAreCool · 08/08/2019 23:48

I’m not sure about ‘bring the bigger person’. I think you need to be the person looking after you, because no one else will. And in looking after you, you look after your DC. Stay. Gather evidence and documents. See a solicitor. But STAY.

TheGodmother · 09/08/2019 00:02

You're upset and confused, and don't seem to be taking any of the advice.

Don't leave the house and get a solicitor.

Stop going on about renting, don't leave!!

Original poster
Unusual123 · 09/08/2019 00:14

She is forcing me to leave or she will and will then tell the world that I forced her and the children out of their home.
I am hearing what you are all saying I'm not the bad guy here she has obviously fallen out of love with me but I don't want to be known as the man that kicked his wife and children out of their home

OP posts:
Lunde · 09/08/2019 00:37

You need to stop being a martyr and start standing up for what you want - you don't have to leave just because she snaps her fingers or tells you to go. If it is joint marital property then neither of you can tell the other to leave. So go and speak to a solicitor and find out your rights. You may not have to leave until the house is sold and/or divorce is final. Is there a spare bedroom that you can move into?

It sounds as though your w feels that the marriage has been over for a longer time and has planned her exit, But you don't have to jump to it just because she says so. You will need some time and advice to process the breakup - but you need to assume that your W is not going to be able to help you here. It might be a good idea to have some counselling so that you can talk over the issues that have led to the end of your marriage and help you work through your feelings

You don't seem to be taking much of the advice you are getting onboard - and weirdly you keep coming back to your grievances over her not making your dinner despite saying it is not an issue - from your post
I'm more than capable of making myself food but if you work all day and come home at 8 pm would you expect something when your other half decides to go out?? -
You obviously think the answer is yes - but my answer would be no I wouldn't expect it. If my OH was going out for the evening then I would not expect them to cook dinner for me. But is seems to have been an implicit expectation and point of contention between you that you feel that she should have left dinner for you. I wonder if these implicit expectations of each other on this and other issues are part of the communication problems that you have been having as a couple.

Winterlife · 09/08/2019 02:39

Don’t leave. Don’t let her take the children. If she leaves, that’s her choice.

See a solicitor who specializes in family law ASAP.

MrHaroldFry · 09/08/2019 03:16

Listen to what people are telling you. Get immediate legal advice. Do NOTHING until you speak to a solicitor. Do NOT leave your house.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/08/2019 03:46

Get legal advice and do not move out. If she wants to go, let her, the dc could stay with you

Sunflowers11 · 09/08/2019 03:50

Oh poor you coming home to no dinner Hmm

cantfindname · 09/08/2019 05:06

FGS stop focusing on the bloody dinner!! OP has said 3 times that it is not the problem, merely an example of how she acts.

OP do as others have suggested, do not move out and do get proper legal advice. From your description of your life she would find it very hard to care for the children and house herself. Her telling everyone you have made them all homeless is an idle threat to make you move.

She sounds absolutely barking.

Newmumma83 · 09/08/2019 05:21

@Unusual123 don’t leave the house unless you really want to.

You will not be able to get back in ... had a friend co habit with a ex for 2 years because neither agreed to move until house sold.
If you move she could fail to sell house and your renting something paying 2 sets of bills.

Keep trying to request a conversation she can’t keep throwing her dummy out the pram as yo have kids to consider... it’s all well And good for as she has already had time to come to terms with her plan she needs to give you half a clue of what got her to this point As well as to as you say keep things friendly For the kids wish you luck x

Iamtornonwhattodo · 09/08/2019 05:48

Firstly go get legal advice OP and they maybe go have a chat to a counsellor. Sounds like there is a lot more going on than your wife is maybe telling you....

Take care x

Starlight2004 · 09/08/2019 07:02

Why does she automatically get to take the children Do you not want them? Or at least 50 % of the time?

You need legal advice! Stop being a door mat! If she wants to leave let her! If she wants to tell people you have forced her out you tell them no! She has suddenly decided to up and leave the family home! So if that's what she wants then fine! But don't be forced out.

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