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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in love with my boss, I've resigned, now what?

31 replies

NewStartNeeded123 · 07/08/2019 18:12

Name changed.

I've just left after my last day in the office. I was in my job for a year and resigned, in part, because I think I'm in love with my boss.

He was a great boss, took my work seriously, gave me plenty of his time. I don't really fancy him, I don't dream about kissing him, I just want to spend all of my time with him. He is funny and kind and really listened. We only ever talked about work and peripheral work stuff, so no emotional affair. I don't think he has any feelings for me.

I'm moving to a "better" job in another company so my leaving hasn't raised any eyebrows. He sent me a lovely email after I left saying what a pleasure it was to work with me and i'm sat here having a little cry because I can't really ever see him again.

We are both married, I have three young dc and a great lovely husband who would be devastated to know I had these feelings. And I never had any intention of acting on them - hence finding a new job.

But what now? How do I put this to bed and move on? I'd like to go back to my nice quiet straightforward life.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 18:16

He sounds like a lovely decent guy who hasn't led you on at all. If you have marital problems, get them sorted - a relationship with a married man is literally the last thing you need.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/08/2019 18:20

You've put it to bed. No more contact is needed or advisable.

Best of luck in the new job! Thanks

AmIAWeed · 07/08/2019 18:22

Sounds like you've done everything you can. Not encouraged anything and removed yourself from the situation.
I think if I were you I'd simply give myself some time to adapt to the new job without trying to do too much else.
Maybe in 3 months if I missed the attention to try and repair that element in my marriage

Preggosaurus9 · 07/08/2019 18:24

It's the attention really. With 3 DC you and DH will not be having leisurely 2h long chats about intelligent matters every day. You are probably struggling to even spend 1h of quality time together in the evenings.

I'd say get a babysitter at the weekend and go out for a nice meal just the 2 of you, start to reconnect.

Preggosaurus9 · 07/08/2019 18:25

Meal as in lunch btw not evening when both tired.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/08/2019 18:27

You've done all you can and behaved well.
Just give yourself some time. You will get over him.
Put some energy into yourself and your own marriage. Flowers

Mishappening · 07/08/2019 18:30

You have done all the right things - well done. It can be very tempting to give in to these things and leave havoc in your wake.

I commend you.

Original poster
NewStartNeeded123 · 07/08/2019 19:11

Thank you all for the words of wisdom, I know you're right. Time, distraction but I guess I also have some work to do in my marriage. Will give that some thought, it's not a very comfortable thing to acknowledge. We're going away for the weekend (with the dc) tomorrow evening so that will be a nice change from the misery.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/08/2019 19:16

All credit to you. Best decision. Flowers
That must have been incredibly hard.

Now you need to go zero contact. None.

Likely the attraction was someone seeing you as a person, rather than just "that other person who lives here and does xyz domestic chores".

You need to talk to your husband (he doesn't need to know the gritty details, it would only break his heart) and arrange 1:1 time with no kids and no shop (home) talk. Try to rebuild a real relationship together. Very best of luck to you, truly. What amazing commitment you've shown to your marriage.

Lovemenorca · 07/08/2019 19:18

Are you going to (or have you?) reply to his email?

TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 19:22

Limerence.

Livebythecoast · 07/08/2019 19:32

picsinred
^this
Well done for not acting on something that would end in tears.
Enjoy your time away Flowers
And don't feel guilty for having these feelings; the difference is you didn't act upon them.

Original poster
NewStartNeeded123 · 07/08/2019 20:23

@Lovemenorca, I haven't replied. I'm not sure what I'd say even if I did other than "Thanks, take care"

OP posts:
SalemShadow · 07/08/2019 20:32

Well done for getting another job and not acting on this. It must have been really difficult.

Lovemenorca · 07/08/2019 20:35

Don’t reply.

I have a sneaking suspicion he may have been slightly nudging the door open.

Easilyflattered · 10/08/2019 08:27

OP I did something similar about 4 years ago. I expect the feelings were mutual in my case. My husband was depressed at the time and was hard work to live with, and this lovely man at work seemed so nice and kind.

I didn't have another job lined up to go to but it all worked out in the end.

I found it hard, I thought about him everyday for about 2 years after. But I stood by my husband and now our relationship is in a much easier phase.

something2say · 10/08/2019 08:45

Have a hug from me too, that was very hard and a very good thing to have done.
And now? Thought control!!
Maybe ten minutes per day to think about it all, and then that’s it – consciously direct your thoughts elsewhere.
These things fade remarkably fast, even two weeks will make a change.
In time to come, you will look back and feel proud that you did the right thing.
So get up, get cracking with a free day ahead and just keep busy while time passes xxx

Original poster
NewStartNeeded123 · 10/08/2019 18:37

Thank you both. The email he sent me says he was awake at 3am wondering what to say to me on my last day so there's a bit of me that thinks it might have been mutual but really I'd rather not know.

I felt really sad yesterday, low and miserable but we've had a fun and busy day today and I feel a bit better, distracted at least. Husband thinks I'm sad about leaving work so he's being super nice Confused

OP posts:
Easilyflattered · 10/08/2019 19:01

Yes I remember feeling like that too, and it's very hard not being able to tell anyone why you feel so down.

You've done the right thing though. I read some of these threads and think why would someone risk their marriage for the sake of someone they'd met in a bar for one evening, but I was genuinely tempted with this work colleague who I'd spent months growing closer too.

Keep busy with your family, don't reply to any of his e mails or messages. It will pass.

ConfCall · 10/08/2019 23:17

How are things between you and DH generally? I’ve found with these types of threads that the “lovely” husband has been acting inconsiderately or that there’s something amiss at home. I think it’s impirtant to work on that if so, rather than just trying to forget the other guy.

I’ve been in your shoes and it was actually not as straightforward as “happily married woman develops an unexpected crush”.

So, I’d advise you to be brutally honest with yourself.

Dappledsunlight · 10/08/2019 23:25

Just congrats on showing such moral courage and strength. You are to be admired for not caving in.
FlowersHalo

Original poster
NewStartNeeded123 · 10/08/2019 23:25

Husband is genuinely lovely, he does his fair share around the house, does his fair share with the kids and would walk over hot coals for me. I do think we've got ground down a bit with the day to day thing. We did a jigsaw together last night (holiday cottage!) and didn't speak a word to each other for over an hour. I can't work out if it was companiable silence or we just have nothing to say.

I love him, but not sure I really fancy him anymore. But I didn't fancy my boss either, I was just in love with him.

We hung out with some friends today and I tried to imagine what it would be like if my boss was here instead of dh and I just couldn't see how it would work. I don't think i have any interest in replacing dh, I just really loved being in my boss's company. I wanted to spend long evenings drinking wine and talking to him...

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/08/2019 00:57

Just wanted to post and say I'd admire you as that must have been hard.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

matahairyy · 11/08/2019 05:51

Oh lord this sounds hard

Mileysmiley · 11/08/2019 05:59

I think you can have male friend without making it sexual .. I have several