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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a terrible wife?

36 replies

jimmyjab · 07/08/2019 15:41

Hey mumsnetters! I’m new here and really in need of some impartial advice. It’s a long story but I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible. I’ve been with my DH for nearly 5 years, he’s a fantastic husband and father and I feel lucky to have him. Last year we went to one of his friends parties and someone he used to work with (described as a best mate) was there so he was excited to see her and introduce me. They hadn’t seen each other for 6 years due to him moving away and losing touch. When we got there, she was immediately all over him, kissing his cheek, hugging him etc and it made me really uncomfortable. Her foundation was all over his shirt! They laughed together about old times like a pair of hyenas and I swear he was pissing himself at every word that left her mouth (I swear I’m not over exaggerating). She wasn’t interested in getting to know me and just kept saying that her and my DH need a night out to catch up, she even suggested they and someone else they know go on holiday together (I wasn’t invited). I wasn’t happy with how she acted, DH said at the end of the night that she was a bit full on. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but I kept worrying that he was gonna say he was meeting up with her and I knew if they went out together I would feel so uneasy. Eventually, I told him how I felt and he tried his best to understand but said he just sees her as a friend, I said I’m not sure she sees you that way. Before we went to the party he had invited her to our wedding and after everything I really didn’t want her to come. I didn’t want to be thinking about this other woman on my wedding day. I told DH how I felt and he said he would uninvite her cos he didn’t want anything to make me nervous on our wedding day. He went to her house and told her she’s wasn’t coming to the wedding, it was incredibly difficult for him to do this (I was wracked with guilt over asking him too) she cried and said she didn’t want to lose him, he said they would always be friends. Fast forward to our honeymoon she came up again (he brought her up, can’t remember how) and I said I’m not sure if I’d ever be comfortable with their friendship due to the way she is with him and the lack of respect she has for me. He agreed to not see her again, told me to stop worrying about it and let’s just enjoy married life.
That was 5 months ago and I still think about it almost on a daily basis. She’s really got under my skin. I feel so guilty all the time that I’ve told him he can’t be friends with someone, I feel like I’ve controlled him but I didn’t mean to I just felt she was after my husband. I do trust DH but I’m not naive and I know anyone can make a mistake.
I feel like the whole situation has put a ‘black mark’ on me as a wife so to speak. I hate that I’ve been that woman who has said who her OH can be friends with. I should add, DH is social, has female friends, I have no problem with this of course, it’s because it’s her not because she’s female.
What should I do now? Should I get over my own insecurities and tell DH that if he really wants to see her then fine. Or should I trust my gut, that she’s bad news, and just let things go on as they are? He hasn’t really mentioned her since honeymoon but I keep worrying he’s thinking about her and is sad he can’t see her. Typing this out I feel really pathetic…
Congratulations if you made this far! I don’t have anyone to talk to about this cos I feel like I’m the bad guy. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Thanks in advance! Also, you can lynch me if you want but it won’t be any worse than what I’ve already thought about myself.
Sorry this post is so long!

OP posts:
wastedyearsandtears · 07/08/2019 15:48

You are acting 100% correctly. Go with your gut feeling. This is not normal behaviour. She suggested they go on holiday together- without you ?
Taking the piss big time
Set your boundaries NOW
Take care💐

WhoLurvesOrangeSoda · 07/08/2019 16:05

Yeah, sod that, I'm with you on this one.

P1218120699 · 07/08/2019 16:10

If she wouldn't have acted the way she did, you wouldn't have responded the way you did. She should have made more effort with you and it wouldn't have come to this. More often then not our instincts are right and I suspect she feels more than she should for you husband.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 16:13

My DH has lots of female friends and they kiss him on the cheek and greet him and say goodbye with hugs etc etc. I’ve never been the jealous type. He’s had fully nude private lap dances before and I haven’t bat an eye.

However... if a female friend was fawning over my DH in the way this woman was with your DH all why denying my existence I would shut that bitch down immediately!

ScatteredMama82 · 07/08/2019 16:39

However... if a female friend was fawning over my DH in the way this woman was with your DH all why denying my existence I would shut that bitch down immediately!

My DH wouldn't let me be pushed aside or ignored like that.

Bookworm4 · 07/08/2019 16:42

MN is an odd place; cool with your DH having nude lap dances but not a woman fawning over him?? Your’cool’ radar is broke 🙄

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/08/2019 16:44

Don’t feel bad. He ought to feel guilty that he forced you to take the lead on this - he ought to have sorted it himself so you didn’t have to ask him.

You did the right thing. Now chill 😊

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 16:57

He should have shut her down and reintroduced you into the conversation. You're not paranoid if she's actually after your husband...

pebblemix · 07/08/2019 17:00

I’m with you on this one. Asking him to go on holiday?? Crying and saying she didn’t want to lose him? Nope.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 17:12

Nah, if you don't trust your husband, he's the issue, she's irrelevant.

What you going to do, ban him from seeing Every woman who you think is too friendly, too attractive, too whatever?

Either you trust him or you don't.

anon812 · 07/08/2019 17:14

With you there, you did the right thing. It's not easy but if the shoe was on the other foot she sure as hell would ban him from seeing you.

Try to forget about her now.

TheSharkInTheDark · 07/08/2019 17:17

If he hadn't seen her for 6 years why was she invited to your wedding anyway? Her reaction was a bit much for someone she hasn't seen in so long too.

Also what had he said about the friendship prior to you seeing how they were with each other?

I don't think you're in the wrong, from the sounds of it she was all over him and I wouldn't be happy with someone being all over my DH like that.

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/08/2019 17:21

You feel guilty, cause you are guilty. You can not control your insecurities, but you can control how you act with them. You know this person was a very good friend of you DH, but you have decided not only to uninvited 'my wedding day'. On top of that you have now removed forced him to choose you over her and destroy their friendship. You haven't even tried to get to know her, there maybe all sorts of reasons for her behaviour.
you have been controlling and vindictive, not only that you have now given yourself the right to choose who your DH can be friends with.
If the genders were reversed there would be absolute uproar on here, its so sad that peoples advice is so flexible on Mn!

Belfield · 07/08/2019 17:21

Your DH shouldn't want to see her anyway as flirting up a storm and inviting him on private holidays is not appropriate behavior. I wouldn't worry about it. Someone has to make her responsible for her behavior.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 17:24

Op, whatever is causing uour behaviour own it.

If you feel he would cheat on you deal with it. Banning he isn't th answer. If you don't feel he will cheat she is no risk.

If this is something else like she's really attractive and you were jealous then own that too. Or if you were just jealous they were so close.

Whatever it is then you need to be a grown up here and be honest about it. Either you think he will cheat or you're jealous she's attractive, or maybe even you were jealous of their friendship.

I suspect you don't think he will cheat, something else has caused your behaviour and that's why you feel guilty.

AgentProvocateur · 07/08/2019 17:26

If my DH asked me to uninvite one of my friends to our wedding, I’d think twice about whether I wanted to be married to someone so controlling.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/08/2019 17:28

On the one hand you can see why she wouldn't particularly want to chat too much to you at the party as you were a stranger to her and she wanted to catch up with her friend, your dh.

BUT, she sounds very flirty and disrespectful, stuff about the holiday etc sounds very dodgy.

I think your dh blew it when he didn't try to make you feel more secure at the party where this all started. By him not making it clear to the woman that you two are a strong couple, he has cocked things up for himself.

It's all a bit messy isn't it? Does she live nearby now? Do they have mutual friends?

GreenFieldsofFrance · 07/08/2019 17:37

I've been through something similar-ish. The same woman is a long standing friend of dh's and went over and above to make it clear how friendly they were on many occasions. I did raise it with dh once, he said he'd speak to her about one particular thing but I would have been mortified.

Honestly, as years have passed, babies have come, life has happened, we've gradually come to know eachother and are actually in more contact between us than my dh and her.

In my case it was a bad combination of her trying to mark some notion of her legacy territory, coupled with my own insecurity. Yours might or might not be the same, I don't know, just wanted to add a different perspective.

mamaofboyss · 07/08/2019 17:47

Completely with u on this. Well done to your hubby for having the balls to uninvite her!

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 07/08/2019 17:52

If I found out my dh had been having fully nude private lap dances it isn't my eyelid I would be batting. And not just because I think men who do that have a really sucky attitude towards women.

Everafter1 · 07/08/2019 17:59

You've 100% done the right thing. He's handled it like a proper man & respected your wishes.

You feel guilty because you're obv a nice person, but you're not being unreasonable. I probably wouldve wanted her at the wedding to rub it in her face, so she could hear how how much he adores you in his speech lol.

Just think about how anxious you would feel if they became close again, stick to your guns. Any decent woman would make a lot of effort meeting their friends SO, they would understand what it's like from a woman's point of view. She's inappropriate.

Pipandmum · 07/08/2019 18:05

He’s done what you wanted. It’s been months and he hasn’t mentioned her. So get it out of your mind and move on.
But you do need to be more trusting - even if she was being inappropriate surely you trust that your husband is strong enough not to fall in to her arms?

Bourbonbiccy · 07/08/2019 18:14

I think you are really over reacting. I would be mortified if my husband thought he had the right to tell me not to invite my male friends to my wedding. They hadn't seen eachother for ages and may have been a bit full on, but definitely doesn't warrant your response.

Mythreefavouritethings · 07/08/2019 18:18

They hadn’t seen each other for 6 years and she’s suddenly wanting to go on holiday and ‘fawning’? I could understand more if this was an established friendship but her boundaries seem a bit out there. For that alone I would say YANBU and your husband doesn’t exactly seem bothered about her.

Robin2323 · 07/08/2019 18:32

Well done
Good on you
It's always the ones that ignore the gf/dw.

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