Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

[randomname7208633]

Sorry for the long post...

5 months ago my eldest DD (from a previous relationship) moved in with us (along with her two dogs). Her long term relationship had broken down and she had been on antidepressants for about 6 months prior, since the relationship began to deteriorate.

She tried initially to move back in with her dm but the household was so volatile that she felt unsafe. There were regular arguments between my ex and her bf often resulting in physical violence and when my DD tried to intervene it would make things worse. As an example, my ex would threaten to crash the car into the house to kill them and would tell my suicidal dd to "jump off a bridge", it felt like a waking nightmare and all I wanted to do was get her out of the situation.

We had tried from the beginning to convince her to come and stay with us but she was worried about how her dm would react (an understatement to say the least) and thought she and her dogs would be too disruptive to our existing household - we have 2 DS, a DD (my DSD) and a cat.

My dw suggested temporarily rehoming the cat with family so that my DD could come and live with us and had somewhere stable to get her mental health back on track. We converted one of our downstairs rooms into a bedroom and she moved in. For me it wasn't just a weight off my mind that my eldest was here being looked after, having all my kids together meant the world to me and I was really happy (there is a fairly big back story about the early years of my relationship with my eldest, eg multiple court cases due to multiple broken contact orders, so her living with us was a huge deal for me).

The problem is that since she has moved in my DW has seemed to resent it. At first she made comments about how happy I was, but would say I should have already been happy with her and our kids. I was, of course, but given the back story, i don't think its unreasonable to feel happy that my eldest was with me at last nor does it mean I don't love my other kids.

Then she started making comments about the dogs, how she hated them and hoped they'd escape and get run over (something totally out of character for her and something nobody would ever think she'd say in a million years).

Then one day she told me she was thinking of leaving. She said the dogs made her so miserable and that even though we had taken them in with my DD to make her happy, she was entitled to be happy too and if that meant leaving she would. I just didn't know what to think. I felt like I was going to lose my DW and other DCs because of some dogs! If I'm honest I thought my dw was being quite horrible but I know I am probably not seeing things objectively. I fretted over my eldest thinking she had split the family up if she found out why. Later my dw said she didn't mean it and things were OK for a while.

Lately however things haven't been so great. She wants the cat back and that can't happen while the dogs are here. We could tell my DD to rehome the dogs but I think she would rather move out and I worry how she'd cope on her own (her mental health has been very bad since the break up and the issues with her dm). I also feel like I'd be letting her down as her dad if she ended up moving out. If she stayed but got rid of the dogs I think her mental health would plummet. My DW says all I care about is my dds happiness and not my DW. Obviously I care about them both but I feel like whatever I do will be wrong. I'm worried that by trying to do what's right for my DD I'll lose my dw and other dc!

I couldn't honestly imagine my dw giving me the time of day if this situation was about my dsd. If I said I would rather have the cat back than my dsd live with us I'd expect to be told to fuck off. Part of me is angry about it but if I said that I get the impression my dw would just take the kids and go.

Sorry, maybe should have made clear in the beginning I am a man

Hasn't your wife posted about this situation already?.🧐

I thought I'd read the exact same thing @funkylittleboatrace

Hasn't your wife posted about this situation already?

Really?!

"Then she started making comments about the dogs, how she hated them and hoped they'd escape and get run over (something totally out of character for her and something nobody would ever think she'd say in a million years)."
Your DW sounds similar to your EXW saying something so horrible. This is not what a nice person says in anger (or whatever reason she gave for saying it). Have you inadvertently sought out someone like your ex?

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like her mask has slipped to me.

You are being objective. You are quite right in saying she would regard this totally differently if you said the same things about her DD.

Sometimes in life one member of a family needs to be put first. I have done the same with a family member and their MH issues but my DH understands and supports me.

Could you sit and discuss exactly what your DW is resentful about? What is the problem with the dogs and are you sure you couldn't introduce the cat to them?

Is your eldest DD getting help with her MH?

Do you all spend time together as a family or do you spend more time with your DD without including your DW?

Can someone put a link to the OP's EXW's post. I'd be interested to see her take on this.

After 6 months, it's really not on to have "temporarily rehomed" the cat. Unless the dogs are types that would kill the cat, you should get it back and work on socialising them together.

It's not surprising your dw is finding it hard, when it's gone on this long and no end in sight. It would be easy to agree to when your dw was thinking it would be just while your dd is getting back on her feet, but it looks like this is becoming long-term. At the moment, your dw is having a very different experience of the situation to yours, and you should do what you can to make it easier for her. She's given up a room, privacy and a cat, so far.

Look, sometimes it just isn't the right decision for people to own one dog, let alone two. Dogs bring enormous responsibilities, and eat up everyone's time, space and money (assuming they're being properly looked after?).

Having dogs also means that rented properties are hard to obtain, including social housing.

So your wife has now realised she is stuck with this 'temporary' situation forever.

And she rightly wants the family cat back.

I think you need to look at the dogs situation tbh.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3658147-To-be-upset-my-SD-has-moved-in-without-asking-me?msgid=89100823

Mental health doesn't get better with a couple of tablets and a loving dad😑 it takes time.

Op, this situation sucks. I get where your wife's coming from in regards to you being happier, having to re home the cat etc but surely she knows what you've been through with your daughter and should see it on a whole as you're happy because you have all your family together.
I honestly have no solution other than talking to your wife and your daughter to see how you can work this out with the cat and dogs, is their any family/friends that could take on the dogs?
I do suggest no time frame with your daughters living situation though and to really think about what you want from this as well, especially when you say your wife wouldn't entertain this at all if it was your stepdaughter in your daughters position.

I think this is actually maybe a different person because theyve mentioned not having children in the house.

I think someone was bored and created threads for two sides of the story. I’m a cynic!

If your DD is going to be with you for a while you need to look for a foster home for the dogs.

Your DW knew your DD came with the dogs, to then make those vile comments is really nasty. Frame it to your DW how would she feel if it was one of her DC? Would she want their dogs dead and they gone?
What age is your DD? Has she applied for housing? Does she have a support worker for her MH issues?

Have you inadvertently sought out someone like your ex?

No, definitely not. I know from the snapshot I've given it might look like that but it really is out of character for her. She has been through a lot recently, she lost her dsf and then dm both suddenly and along with other things she has had to deal with stuff that will have a long lasting effect on her. I would have always described her as having a heart of gold and as a bit of a Saint - she was keen to move my dd in and has always done so much for her and been a great sm to her, but it's like recently there's a built up resentment that's coming out.

After 6 months, it's really not on to have "temporarily rehomed" the cat. Unless the dogs are types that would kill the cat, you should get it back and work on socialising them together.

Unfortunately that is the worry. When dogs have visited us in the past (mil used to have a dog) the cat would become very distressed and would spend the next few months spraying, presumably to mark her territory (?), which was a nightmare. But maybe with some help it's something that could be overcome! If it could then there's the chance of making everyone happy.

It's not surprising your dw is finding it hard, when it's gone on this long and no end in sight. It would be easy to agree to when your dw was thinking it would be just while your dd is getting back on her feet, but it looks like this is becoming long-term. At the moment, your dw is having a very different experience of the situation to yours, and you should do what you can to make it easier for her. She's given up a room, privacy and a cat, so far.

I appreciate your comment and I think you are very right in how different an experience this is for me and dw, especially that this is going on longer than predicted. Deep down I don't want her to ever go and when she does I know I'm going to find it really hard. I do wonder if this is really about the cat though.

I do try to understand where my dw is coming from but at the same time I know we would do anything for my dsd to be happy and healthy so I want the same from dw towards my dd. If I gave my dw an ultimatum about dsd it would be a case of ltb, but I don't have that option because I'd be losing 3 DC at the same time. I need to find a way to make everybody happy.

BTW the other thread does sound like a similar situation but it's definitely not us.

I know we would do anything for my dsd to be happy and healthy so I want the same from dw towards my dd.

That’s highly unreasonable. You both have other children to think of - younger more dependent children who don’t have the option to live elsewhere.

By having no end in sight you’ve changed the deal and are being very unfair to your wife. If she decides she won’t put up with the many sacrifices you’re expecting her to make indefinitely you can stop her and I’d consider it a very real possibility. You’re not the boss here who gets to make unilateral decisions about what happens in your shared home and that everyone affected has to be okay with it.

That’s highly unreasonable. You both have other children to think of - younger more dependent children who don’t have the option to live elsewhere.

I don't really understand why it's unreasonable, let alone highly so. Having other children doesn't mean my responsibility to my first child has ended, and considering we are and have always been a blended family I don't think it's unreasonable to want my dw to treat my dd how I treat my dsd.

By having no end in sight you’ve changed the deal and are being very unfair to your wife. If she decides she won’t put up with the many sacrifices you’re expecting her to make indefinitely you can stop her and I’d consider it a very real possibility. You’re not the boss here who gets to make unilateral decisions about what happens in your shared home and that everyone affected has to be okay with it.

Hang on, I haven't changed the deal and I haven't made any unilateral decisions. There was no timeframe for my dd living with us, we both wanted to get her out of a bad situation and support her to get well, then for her to move out when she was both financially and mentally well enough. I'm not wanting to be the boss of anyone, but I'm also not wanting to kick my vulnerable dd out or force her to rehome her dogs when "the deal" if that's what you want to call it, was that she and her dogs could stay with us.

My dw had the idea of her brother looking after the cat but has since regretted her decision, not realising how much she would miss the cat. I sympathise with how my dw feels about that I really do, but my dd is my dd and I want to support her. I appreciate that means asking my dw to continue to make a sacrifice but I don't think that constitutes wanting to be the boss of anyone. The situation feels quite the opposite from where I'm sitting.

My dw suggested temporarily rehoming the cat with family

I'm reading 'temporarily' there.

There was no timeframe for my dd living with us, we both wanted to get her out of a bad situation and support her to get well, then for her to move out when she was both financially and mentally well enough.

What exactly is happening to move your dd towards that goal of being well enough mentally and financially? Never mind how you feel - is your dd actually getting better and preparing to move out?

The quickest way to start improving things is to get rid of the dogs. They are driving your wife insane and I can't blame her. I love dogs, but if they are not well behaved, messy, prone to barking, they are a nightmare. Especially when they have taken over your home and they're not even yours! Tell your daughter the must be rehomed. Now. If she chooses to leave, so be it. She's an adult and needs to pull herself together and get her life sorted. Personally, I don't know if that will happen if she stays on living with you. What incentive does she have to improve her situation?

I think the dogs need to go. Presumably your DD is adult age. She must be aware that her presence alone changes the dynamic of your dw's life. Asking your dw to also take on two dogs when previously she did not have dogs, is questionable. It is not a human right to have dogs and certainly not when you're moving into somebody else's existing home/family life. If your DD is grateful for you taking her in given that she is now an adult and there is no technical responsibility on anyone's part to do so, she should be prepared to consider letting the dogs go if she is still in residence at a certain agreed point in time.

Please also do not hold over your dw the fact that she made agreements or promises regarding the dogs. it's one thing to agree to something like that as a temporary measure but I think it's fair enough for her to be allowed to say that upon reflection it's not working for her.

Your dw seems accepting of having another adult human being join her family which is the main thing. I don't see why she should also be asked to have two dogs and not have her own cat for an open ended period of time. IMO you and your DD need to compromise on the animals. Can the dogs be rehomed as a 'temporary measure'?

I wouldn't want two dogs in my home either. I feel for your wife.

There is a massive difference between your DD moving in with you 'temporarily' and 'indefinitely' and I can understand why your wife is pissed off.

Her home is no longer her home, she's had to lose her cat, and put up with dogs which don't sound very well behaved at all.

The dynamics between your family have changed dramatically with your mentally unwell DD staying there, but you don't seem to appreciate this at all.

Unless her MH issues are severe, you should be encouraging her to be independent and get back on her own 2 feet again.

Aside from getting rid of the dogs, which is top priority, is your daughter pulling her weight? Is she cleaning, cooking, doing food shopping, laundry? Or is she just moping about with your wife doing all the work? If so, that isn't on. At all. Is your daughter working and paying rent? She should be.

I don't know if your dw is a nice person or if she ibu, but taking in an adult sdd with mental health issues in a household that already sounds quite full is a big ask, add 2 dogs to that and I think she was a saint tbh. There is no way I would have someone else's dogs in my home for more than a few days, and I like dogs. I think you need to listen, really listen to your wife and ask her what she wants to do, then you need a plan that works for everyone. I really think the dogs need to go though.