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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

48 replies

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 12:46

Sorry for the long post...

5 months ago my eldest DD (from a previous relationship) moved in with us (along with her two dogs). Her long term relationship had broken down and she had been on antidepressants for about 6 months prior, since the relationship began to deteriorate.

She tried initially to move back in with her dm but the household was so volatile that she felt unsafe. There were regular arguments between my ex and her bf often resulting in physical violence and when my DD tried to intervene it would make things worse. As an example, my ex would threaten to crash the car into the house to kill them and would tell my suicidal dd to "jump off a bridge", it felt like a waking nightmare and all I wanted to do was get her out of the situation.

We had tried from the beginning to convince her to come and stay with us but she was worried about how her dm would react (an understatement to say the least) and thought she and her dogs would be too disruptive to our existing household - we have 2 DS, a DD (my DSD) and a cat.

My dw suggested temporarily rehoming the cat with family so that my DD could come and live with us and had somewhere stable to get her mental health back on track. We converted one of our downstairs rooms into a bedroom and she moved in. For me it wasn't just a weight off my mind that my eldest was here being looked after, having all my kids together meant the world to me and I was really happy (there is a fairly big back story about the early years of my relationship with my eldest, eg multiple court cases due to multiple broken contact orders, so her living with us was a huge deal for me).

The problem is that since she has moved in my DW has seemed to resent it. At first she made comments about how happy I was, but would say I should have already been happy with her and our kids. I was, of course, but given the back story, i don't think its unreasonable to feel happy that my eldest was with me at last nor does it mean I don't love my other kids.

Then she started making comments about the dogs, how she hated them and hoped they'd escape and get run over (something totally out of character for her and something nobody would ever think she'd say in a million years).

Then one day she told me she was thinking of leaving. She said the dogs made her so miserable and that even though we had taken them in with my DD to make her happy, she was entitled to be happy too and if that meant leaving she would. I just didn't know what to think. I felt like I was going to lose my DW and other DCs because of some dogs! If I'm honest I thought my dw was being quite horrible but I know I am probably not seeing things objectively. I fretted over my eldest thinking she had split the family up if she found out why. Later my dw said she didn't mean it and things were OK for a while.

Lately however things haven't been so great. She wants the cat back and that can't happen while the dogs are here. We could tell my DD to rehome the dogs but I think she would rather move out and I worry how she'd cope on her own (her mental health has been very bad since the break up and the issues with her dm). I also feel like I'd be letting her down as her dad if she ended up moving out. If she stayed but got rid of the dogs I think her mental health would plummet. My DW says all I care about is my dds happiness and not my DW. Obviously I care about them both but I feel like whatever I do will be wrong. I'm worried that by trying to do what's right for my DD I'll lose my dw and other dc!

I couldn't honestly imagine my dw giving me the time of day if this situation was about my dsd. If I said I would rather have the cat back than my dsd live with us I'd expect to be told to fuck off. Part of me is angry about it but if I said that I get the impression my dw would just take the kids and go.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2019 17:39

What if your wife turns around and says the stress of your daughter moving in with no end date in sight, the financial burden of an additional adult, the loss of her cat, the invasion of the dogs is damaging her own mental health?

You suggest you’d be happy to live with your daughter forever and the dogs are a deal breaker for her so why not move out and get a place suitable for you, DD and dogs? Then you can look after your adult child and your wife can have her house back, her cat back and be happier.

You’re currently choosing the well-being of one adult over the well-being of your wife and three other children. That’s selfish and unreasonable.

I think you moving out is the best option.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2019 17:42

I think you need to listen, really listen to your wife and ask her what she wants to do, then you need a plan that works for everyone.

I’d agree with this but the impression OP gives us any discussion would come with a hefty helping of emotional blackmail and if his wife had had a say in the first place none of this would have happened. He doesn’t want to know what she thinks, feels or needs as long as he’s getting to save his DD from his evil ex and sod the cost to everyone else.

Twaddock · 07/08/2019 17:57

Perhaps the dog issue could actually be an incentive for your DD to get independent again. It could be a good thing if she decides she wants to leave in order to keep them. Who knows, maybe she will cope, I don't know what her mental health problems are.

If you don't like the sound of that then you may wish to think about how much of this issue is actually about your desire to keep your DD in your house for yourself as it makes you happy as opposed to helping her leave and be independent which will long term be best for both her AND your dw AND your marriage.

It sounds a tiny bit like everything is currently perfect for you and you just want your dw to lump it silently. She won't though, if you choose dogs over her. She will leave or become so resentful that it starts to mess up your marriage so things won't be perfect for long, as indeed is already showing. I'm itching to know if you are capable of compromise over the flipping pets when your dw taking in your adult daughter is the main thing and she's doing that for you.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 18:02

I think your priority now should be to help your daughter find a home for herself and her dogs. I'm not sure how easy that will be - I can't imagine many landlords want a couple of dogs in their home.

You shouldn't lose your marriage over this. Nobody will benefit then.

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 18:09

There have been a few completely made up scenarios posted to use as a stick to beat me with but this one is the last so I'll respond to it. My wife did have a say. She was as keen to help dd as I was. Rehoming the cat was her idea but she didn't realise it would affect her as much as it did. And yes, my ex is pretty evil for what she did to my dd but you carry on and convince yourself that I'm some sort of monster for wanting to help her and not wanting to kick her out.

There have been some constructive replies on this thread that have helped me think about the situation and how to speak to my wife and try to meet her needs as well as my DD's. Thanks for those. I think a few others need to remember this isn't AIBU.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 07/08/2019 18:15

But it was rehoming 'temporarily '. You said that yourself.

Bookworm4 · 07/08/2019 18:33

What age is your DD? What support does she have for her MH? Has she considered living independently?

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 18:39

It is temporary. There's no intention or expectation from anyone for this to be permanent. My DWs issue isn't that a temporary situation has become permanent (she even said herself that she expected it to be around a year), it's that she has effectively changed her mind because of feelings she did not foresee. As understandable as that is it puts me in a position in which to please my wife I would feel like a shitty dad to my dd, but trying to support my dd the way I currently am makes me a shitty DH to my DW.

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 07/08/2019 18:40

Can you answer my questions OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 18:47

You can still support your daughter without destroying your marriage and breaking up yet another family. Your wife is a caring, generous person, but she is at breaking point. I suggest you act quickly.

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 18:54

What age is your DD? What support does she have for her MH? Has she considered living independently?

She is 24. At the moment she has her gp for medication, counselling and online cbt.
Deterioration of her mental health is almost exclusively triggered by external stresses, eg relationship breakdown and subsequent fallout, exams she's taking, distressing contact with dm, finances.

Financially she could not afford to live independently right now due to debts and financial commitments, but we have helped her budget so that she can get herself back in the black and be in a position to move out, all being well with her mental health.

OP posts:

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 18:59

I know my wife is kind and generous, believe me I have always described her as a saint. But if my dsd needed our support and I found it too hard to give and consequently moved out, it would be me breaking up the family. It would be unfair to say that my dw had broken up the family.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 07/08/2019 19:23

Everyone's told you what to do. Sort the dogs out. You're completely ignoring that.

I guess you just want some sort of validation for being sad.

AutumnCrow · 07/08/2019 19:27

The dogs are actually re-homeable, aren't they? When did they last see a vet for vaccinations, have a check up, get their parasite trestments?

Are they trained, obedient, good natured? Do they mind being crated occasionally? What walks and runs do they prefer? Do they bark - if so, when?

Bookworm4 · 07/08/2019 19:28

The dogs are probably a great comfort to your DD I don’t agree with rejoining them as this is an added distress for her. Are the dogs in a good routine? Does your DD exercise and train them well?

AutumnCrow · 07/08/2019 19:39

Are the dogs in a good routine? Does your DD exercise and train them well?

@Bookworm4 asks a good question there, no matter where the dogs are or will be in the future.

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 19:50

Autumn you're not interested in helping, you're just badgering me and being a GF. I mentioned in my op how rehoming the dogs would affect my DD, I'm not ignoring it I just feel stuck between two choices that ultimately hurt someone I love. It must be easy to sit there and dictate which choice I should make knowing it will have a negative impact on someone you don't know. Don't strain your neck looking down at me will you?

OP posts:

Original poster

randomname7208633 · 07/08/2019 19:54

The dogs are probably a great comfort to your DD I don’t agree with rejoining them as this is an added distress for her. Are the dogs in a good routine? Does your DD exercise and train them well?

Thanks bookworm, yes they are well looked after and have a good routine. The younger one wasn't fully house trained when they arrived (certainly a factor in the early days of stress for dw) but both are doing fine now. And although nobody has actually asked AFAIK, the other dc enjoy having them around. My DSD especially has become closer to my DD and taking the dogs out is one of their shared pastimes.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/08/2019 20:01

Could you look at getting the dogs fostered? Then your dd could see them and would get them back, but they wouldn't be underfoot all the time and stressing your wife out. They do create so much mess in terms of hair and dirty paw-prints, and they're always so keen to have attention, that if you're not super-keen on dogs it can drive you bonkers.

Or have them restricted to one room. Or shed/kennel & run in the garden that they wouldn't necessarily have to spend all the time in, but a few hours a day to give your wife a break from them?

You say she's lovely and kind normally, and it's been out of character, so you've got to understand she's being pushed too far by the stress of it all.

category12 · 07/08/2019 20:32

And also, if you do make some concessions about the dogs, by giving them an outdoor space to use some of the time - make sure it's coming from you, not as something you're doing because of your wife, but something you both need, so she doesn't get made out to be intolerant or the bad guy. It's important to be on her side where you can.

sanmiguel · 08/08/2019 09:25

Although I sympathise as you're clearly very much stuck between a rock and a hard place, my idea of temporary would be 2-6 weeks. That would be about as much as I could handle having another adult in the house, never mind the dogs (and we have our own!). So 6 months must be hell for your wife. It will have tested every bit of patience she has in terms of the mess, having to think about another person in the house all the time.

What is your daughter contributing towards the living situation? Is she cooking, cleaning, paying rent? There's an abundance of potential run points here, not least that your wife, most probably similarly to the other thread, feels a lodger in her own home.

I'd suggest, unless you want to be a single parent to your adult daughter alone, you put your energy into finding external support for your daughter and get her focused now on the transition to independent living. You can still continue to offer the same level of support, but from her own place.

sanmiguel · 08/08/2019 09:26

*rub

EstuaryBird · 08/08/2019 10:34

Some years ago I was in a similar situation to your DW but without other children at home.

DP’s long lost daughter was moving back to UK from abroad and asked to stay with us for a couple of weeks while she sorted herself out and to build bridges with her Dad. I was delighted and he was ecstatic as he’d always hoped to re-bond with her.

She arrived and all was good. I thought she seemed a little reserved with me but put it down to nerves. We had 2 cats and she soon began to complain of ‘allergies’ so the cats went to live with my Mum..I cannot begin to describe the heart break I felt at their loss and we never got them back.

There weren’t really any other issues except that she was always a little reserved with me. The problem was that I was beginning to feel sidelined in my own home. My DP’s focus was his daughter and I became more like chief cook and bottle washer. This was completely subconscious on his part but in the 4 months (not a couple of weeks!) that she was with us we lost the strong bond that we had and have never fully got it back.

My advice OP would be that you can’t change your situation so you need to look at how you are handling it. Ask yourself honestly if you are subconsciously prioritising your daughter over your wife in your day to day lives and try to redress the balance so that your wife still knows she still has an important place in your life. Just observe your lives objectively and see what you can do to make your wife’s life better.

You also need to negotiate a realistic time frame for your daughter to live independently. It seems that your wife has already been very accommodating but it’s her life too and I’m sure she fears that this could become a very long haul.

Treat your wife extremely well and forgive her occasional outbursts. Her life has been completely disrupted and she will be keeping far more inside than she ever lets you know.

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