Lack of support from ‘d’p

[dragonflyflew]

I’ve posted here before about the same subject so I’m probably answering my own question...
something happened at the weekend which was potentially bad but I managed to get out of it. I then found out a couple of days later that the person I got away from went on to commit a nasty crime and I had a lucky escape. Obviously can’t give a lot of details here...
my longish distance bf was very sweet and sympathetic via messages but couldn’t even call me to see how I was despite a message saying ‘ I wish I was there for you’ and another one this morning saying similar. He’s on leave this week and phong on a non urgent trip. I’m feeling really shook up about the information I received and a bit vulnerable and emotional.
I haven’t responded to his message today as I can’t be arsed and also feel that I will end up being accusatory. The same thing happened earlier this year but it was a health issue rather than an incident and he chose supposedly vital events over supporting me and again, not even a phone call.
When we’re together everything is ace , we have a lot of fun, met lots of each other’s friends and family. He always says how much he loves me and wanted to be with me always and wished we live nearer etc.
He’s also previously complained about needy and demanding exes so I’ve always been very mindful not to rely or depend on him and because of this have seen him very much as a boyfriend for the present and have worked hard not to pin any hopes onto a long term future with him.
I guess I’m posting to vent more than anything but I realise that his saying he wishes he was with me and wishes he could do more to support me is not the same as actually being here and Doing more to support me and I guess I have finally woken to the fact I’m not and never will be his priority. I have no family around and my closest friends are all tied up in their own stuff. I feel a bit lonely and vulnerable at times despite being in a relationship and I guess I’d rather feel lonely as a single person than lonely in a relationship with a fair weather friend!
I don’t know how to respond now without looking catty and I don’t want to spoil his trip. I’ve had colleagues and people I hardly know phoning to see if I’m ok and offering to talk about the incident. Even my ex h has been suitably nice!

When the time is right why don't you tell him how you feel and ask him why he didn't call. If your not needy, tell him your not needy but a little bit of normal support / care is all your looking for.

I know you wanted him to call but you could have called him?

He’s also previously complained about needy and demanding exes

He was setting the scene with those comments that you would never ask him for anything, for fear that you would appear "needy", it is all about what he wants, when he wants. I think in reply to his text I would just wish him a safe journey and leave it at that. No point in seeking reassurance that is just not there, you are only setting yourself up for more hurt by seeking that from him.

I am sorry that you were involved in an incident that caused you fear and has left you feeling vulnerable OP, have you had a chance to talk it out with a professional at all? I think feeling unsettled as you are would be normal and they may be able to suggest coping strategies or ways for you to feel secure again.

You now know that your partner is not to be relied upon in difficult circumstances and maybe it is time to use this incident to have a think about what life you would like going forward and how you could build a sense of security for yourself and maybe to extend your support network a bit.

Thank you mrmagoooooooo
I know I feel I’m being a bit of a wuss here and I could have called him but he’d already told me ‘not to dwell on it’ and he’d also made it clear how tired he was last night.
I know he is not unintelligent so when he says he wished he could be there for me I presume that means he understands that I’m shaken up and I’d like to think he could have taken the next step to offer a chat.
I am feeling a bit crappy and dont want to put myself out there and risk rejection if he says he’s too tired to chat or thinks I’m overdoing it in terms of feeling shaken up.
I know he’s defensive and protective of himself and his space and time after previous girlfriends and he very much compartmentalises us/me.
I will say something at some point, he’s away for the best part of a week now and then has commitments when he comes back so there’s no seeing him for probably a fortnight by which time it will be worthless my saying anything at all!

ChuckleBuckles I have already wished him a safe journey early on and was nice but short then he replied that he wished he could do more! He obviously read my tone right. He’s off for a week of partying now so anything I say is going to fall on deaf ears and just look like I’m Debbie downer because He’s gone away which is partly why I didn’t say anything last time in the other similar scenario.
I don’t care that he’s gone away I just care that the day before he could have made a bit more effort to say something nice or reassurance other than what was offered. It’s been low level on my mind for a while so this has just thrown it in my face a bit.
I don’t know how to extend my network. I have a huge amount of ‘friends’ but none particularly close, we all settled and had kids at different ages and all in different places emotionally and practically and I don’t really have an actual person in my corner anymore. Toxic parents which is partly why I have this emotional reaction now to his perceived rejection! I’m on a waiting list for therapy but it’s taking too long. Think I wouldn’t be too bothered about getting the therapy If I was on my own either...

I agree with the PP who said by telling you his other partners had been needy, he was setting the scene for you, telling you not to expect any kind of normal emotional response from him.

You're not suited to this man (I think few would be.)

His previous gfs might have been lovely normal human beings who expected a bit of emotional support in a relationship...

Yeah maybe that’s true. I received the same answers when I posted earlier in the year
He always says I can tell him anything, he’s ‘here for me’ etc and after I recently travelled to meet family (also very long distance) I came home and told him it made me see how alone I am watching them all supporting each other etc and he replied ‘you’re not alone now you have me’ but then why do I stil feel alone in every aspect of my life?!
I know this is all just waffle and that I’ve answered my own question, I often post on here when I already know the answer. It’s a great sounding board and I really appreciate the input of impartial people.

It sounds unlikely you are going to get the type of support you need from this person . AS @timeisnotaline wrote his previous gfs might have been lovely normal human beings.
Hope you are ok.

annekipanki yes, sadly I think you’re right.

I just responded pretty much what I said here but shorter, disappointed, wish he’d called but I find it hard to ask for support as he’d expressed previous difficulties with needy exes! Probably pissed him off now but my head is all over the place!

If someone ever makes you feel like your head is all over the place, it's the sign you should avoid them, OP. This isn't the man for you if he makes you feel like that.

I think it depends on what the incident was that happened, and where he is that means he can't call you.

Is it a phone call you want? Or do you want him to leave where he is to be with you?

Or is this a reaction to the fact that you live long distance?

I think my head is all over the place ref the incident and how close I was to something completely life changing. possibly death and it has shaken me up so much that I’m feeling Uber vulnerable and every time I think of it I cry and have anxiety symptoms. obviously this issue with the bf being unsupportive is ongoing and I thought I’d reached a place of acceptance but the incident has highlighted all my vulnerability and loneliness.
heymonkey I can’t say unequivocally what I want/wanted/expected from him, just more than I got which was nothing more than a few platitudes and a half hearted wish I was there/could do more.
I’m unable to give more details re the incident as it’s a serious crime and happened very recently. Am being deliberately ambiguous. Suffice to say I had a very very near miss and he had nothing on yesterday afternoon/evening/night and could quite easily have either come to see me or phoned me.

HE tried to call me but I was on another call so he messaged and apologised that I felt unsupported, he thought I would want to be left alone?!
He said he loves me and considers us a couple, sees a future for us both, doesn’t think I’m needy and will always help me IF he can...
I don’t know how to respond or what to think , think I’m getting everything muddled because I’m a bit traumatised

He’s also previously complained about needy and demanding exes so I’ve always been very mindful not to rely or depend on him

Come on! It's very very clear what he was up to. And why soooo many women are needy and demanding of him. It's because he's incapable of basic compassion. And he told you that.

Time to get rid.

mrsT
I don’t know, his actions when we’re together and the things he says are so incongruous with this behaviour which is why I I kinda hold him at arms length in my head despite him saying he wants to be with me always etc.
Probably now is not the best time for me to work things out, I’m feeling quite traumatised and as someone who’s had ptsd before the symptoms are very familiar and I’m worried I’m going to make him the scapegoat for how I’m feeling and for what’s happened. Think I’m going to try and get a gp appointment tomorrow

Probably now is not the best time for me to work things out, I’m feeling quite traumatised and as someone who’s had ptsd before the symptoms are very familiar and I’m worried I’m going to make him the scapegoat for how I’m feeling and for what’s happened

I am sorry that you had a bad experience, but you need to be brutally honest with yourself about this. If he had rung you and sympathised over the phone, would you have actually felt better? I mean in the sense of coping better? -Because if it is an actual trauma it probably would not have made any difference. And tbh it is not a good idea to make a therapist of your partner.

If you are pissed off that he didn't even try to ring you, that he flunked out of being a normal, supportive partner and human being (and I personally think he did rather flunk out), then that is a completely different issue.

Doesn't sound like he has your back OP.

haffiana speaking to him would definitely not have helped with the symptoms but would’ve been nice to have someone in my corner who I could feel comforted by if nothing else.
Having a partner but not having anyone to lean on is upsetting.
I understand how mental health works, this trauma is related to other stuff and that is why I’ve been on a waiting list for months.
I’d never expect anyone other than a therapist to help me with my head stuff but I am a bit pissed off and hurt that he didn’t make any effort to show any support even ‘do you want to talk about it?’
He also knows I’ve struggled with mental health and my disability so it’s not like I’m springing anything on him in terms of my vulnerability, I told him from very early days and he’s always responded that he hates to think of me struggling or being in pain.
Tbf since I complained he has offered to call me from his trip later tonight but I feel too wrung out now to have a reasonable discussion plus I know he’ll have been drinking and partying so I don’t think either of us will be in the right headspace to discuss it so have turned him down.
I don’t think it’s worth it now after the event, I’m having mild panic symptoms and feeling anxiety so don’t think it’s going to work until I calm down or I’ll just blurt out all my resentments in one go!
Because it’s kind of work-related I’ve had offers to talk from colleagues all day and I barely know any of them as am new in post so it compounds it even more that the person who is supposedly in love with me and wants to be with me always couldn’t be arsed to speak to m or to ask if there’s anything I needed. Also compounds that I have nobody else significant in my life really too so I guess the whole thing is tied up together!

Ugh just found out that bf’s trip away with friends also includes an ex girlfriend. Feel even more shitty now especially as the panic stuff is still prevalent.
Least he told me I suppose... Fml!

Hilariously he told me yesterday and the night before I could ring him anytime and then yesterday afternoon sent me a message saying he was completely hammered. So lucky I didn’t need to call him. I sometimes think it’s not really his fault. I have no family and no close friends to rely on. If I had then I’d (possibly) be a lot less miffed by his lack of interest in me when I’m having a hard time.
This is the second time in our relationship where I’ve struggled and he’s told me ‘I wish I could be there’ when he could have quite easily been there...
He went through a recent difficulty and I stayed when I could have been doing other things and supported him through it and did chores to make things easier for him when he came back from dealing with the issue

think I’m getting everything muddled because I’m a bit traumatised

@dragonflyflew Your feelings about his behaviour are valid but he is trying to convince you otherwise. He's messing with your head: trust your instincts!

Get out of this one-sided relationship asap. He is a shallow and manipulative man and certainly not good for your mental health.

llangennith really? I have been feeling a bit meh about the ldr for a while, the good times are epic but I struggle with the tricky times and managing everything on my own.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve

Woops. Fat fingers

Friends tell me I’m possibly going to act in haste and make a decision I’ll regret based on my current feelings of shock from the near miss incident and that I should see how things are when he gets back.
I’m unlikely to see him for some time when he gets back as I have a little holiday with kids and hopefully meeting relatives (all my family are afar but some are holidaying near where we will be) and he also has commitments when he returns plus I don’t feel like seeing him when he comes back a husky of a man after his great big fucking celebration!!!
He has said let’s talk about it when he gets back all my feelings of loneliness in the relationship and how he can better support me but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore really... a couple of times I could have done with him. Also during our relationship he’s been supportive to another ex girlfriend (not the mother of his kids) and also very supportive to the mother of his kids who has had lots of problems. I feel like I’m low on the list because I’m last into his life. I don’t begrudge him helping others, especially the mother of his children but I do feel sad that he doesn’t go out of his way to offer me anything. He thinks I’m super self sufficient, which I am tbf, have been all my life since i had no proper parenting.
But in a supposedly serious relationship I’d like to be less self sufficient really...