Lack of support from ‘d’p

[dragonflyflew]

I’ve posted here before about the same subject so I’m probably answering my own question...
something happened at the weekend which was potentially bad but I managed to get out of it. I then found out a couple of days later that the person I got away from went on to commit a nasty crime and I had a lucky escape. Obviously can’t give a lot of details here...
my longish distance bf was very sweet and sympathetic via messages but couldn’t even call me to see how I was despite a message saying ‘ I wish I was there for you’ and another one this morning saying similar. He’s on leave this week and phong on a non urgent trip. I’m feeling really shook up about the information I received and a bit vulnerable and emotional.
I haven’t responded to his message today as I can’t be arsed and also feel that I will end up being accusatory. The same thing happened earlier this year but it was a health issue rather than an incident and he chose supposedly vital events over supporting me and again, not even a phone call.
When we’re together everything is ace , we have a lot of fun, met lots of each other’s friends and family. He always says how much he loves me and wanted to be with me always and wished we live nearer etc.
He’s also previously complained about needy and demanding exes so I’ve always been very mindful not to rely or depend on him and because of this have seen him very much as a boyfriend for the present and have worked hard not to pin any hopes onto a long term future with him.
I guess I’m posting to vent more than anything but I realise that his saying he wishes he was with me and wishes he could do more to support me is not the same as actually being here and Doing more to support me and I guess I have finally woken to the fact I’m not and never will be his priority. I have no family around and my closest friends are all tied up in their own stuff. I feel a bit lonely and vulnerable at times despite being in a relationship and I guess I’d rather feel lonely as a single person than lonely in a relationship with a fair weather friend!
I don’t know how to respond now without looking catty and I don’t want to spoil his trip. I’ve had colleagues and people I hardly know phoning to see if I’m ok and offering to talk about the incident. Even my ex h has been suitably nice!

I think the phrase... words are cheap are very apt here

He tells you he is 'here for you' but doesn't follow through, but it sounds as though you realise this

oldraver he even said ‘words are cheap’ and ‘actions speak louder than words’ when we were on the phone , he was not sober...I heard him kind of catch his breath after saying one of them so think he regretted it as he realised how near to the truth it is.
I’m annoyed today. When he broke the news his ex was there he then followed it up with ‘but it’s all fine, no awkwardness between us’ as though that’s going to reassure me the same day I’ve told him I had to take time off work to see the dr as suffering from shock!
I had a call in the middle of the night last night but cba to answer. He sent a message saying he was worried about me and wished I was there... he was clearly up until at least 5am partying from what I can tell or that’s when his phone battery died, don’t think he was that worried...
I feel like a bitter resentful bitch. I’m still not trusting my own thoughts and feelings and wondering if I’m angry at him because I have nobody else, if this incident hadn’t have happened I’d be busy having fun too while he’s away but as it is , I cancelled some treat stuff last night as feeling too vulnerable to go out at the moment!

He’s just messaged to inform me he’s having a blast! I can’t even... it’s almost comedy now.
I don’t know how or what to respond. He called me earlier but I was working and couldn’t be bothered to answer. I can’t pretend everything is ok and at the same time I don’t want to start an argument over the phone whilst he’s having the time of his life...for context, this trip is something he does every year, it’s a freebie through work, he doesn’t travel or plan it with friends it’s just something they all do and he makes plans to meet up with them there. We knew months ago that I wouldn’t be going and I was ok with this. We have both gone away several times without each other during this relationship and have been together nearly a year.
He probably senses that I’m feeling a bit checked out and disconnected so he’s probs not giving a fuck now. I feel very sad but I think I new months and months ago that this is how he would be...
Partly I feel I’m scapegoating him because I’m lonely without family near me.