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Original poster

Thinking of someone else other than my OH

27 replies

Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 07:28

I'm mainly venting but advice is welcome

I'm engaged in a 5 year relationship (anniversary tomorrow!) With a 4 year old (yes he came along pretty quick! Lol)
Anyway,
Me and partner not Been getting on for ages.
I do all the house stuff and taking care of our boy.
We almost broke up 3/4 times over the last year and I've been wondering if i ever really loved him.
Whilst wondering this, I bumped into someone I've fancied ever since we met years ago.
We went on 2 dates (way before my OH), kissed which was amazing and i can't remember why but 3rd one never happened. Then life happed for both of us, he has a child too and is now going through a break up. I found out as i bumped into him recently and we still had sooo much chemistry! Like magnets.
He knows I'm still with someone but gave me his number. And yes I then text mine. He asked me out for a coffee but he it was very last minute and i couldnt make it but i would've gone. It's just a coffee right.
He then said once he is moved into a new place would I like to come over for dinner. Specifically an omelette! To which I answered that must be your speciality and good luck with the move . Dk I never said yes or no.
I would never cheat. But also i have hidden his number and not told my partner.
I just feel like everything OM says and does resonates with me, I cant stop thinking about him and the fact he asked me out knowing i have a partner means he still feels for me too?
And then last friday me and my partner broke up for a few days . Then back together and ever since he has really pulled himself together and is doing everything now. So much happier to help etc....
But......I feel like already not be inlove with my partner anymore . Hes trying so so hard he deserves a chance.
So I'm just not sure what to do! So im doing nothing....lol....
I just know that the OM makes my whole body smile when I think or see him. Not just looks but who he is, his morals and outlook,.....everything.
I feel i can't talk to friends as that would make it real and I'd have to act on it one way or another and they know my partner.

Thanks for listenjng

OP posts:
parent999 · 07/08/2019 07:48

Can I suggest you take a practical approach, first decide to be with your OH or be single. briefly explain to the other guy that you need to concentrate on your family and go no contact. Give yourself 3 months and if it doesnt work with OH then you have your answer. But please please dont fool yourself into thinking youre not already cheating. You are! the only thing left to complete it is the physical stuff.
Your OH is clearly making an effort which means he loves you. At least give him the respect of trying or finishing before you pursue a new relationship.

Fern12 · 07/08/2019 07:53

This guy's morals make you smile? Really?

FuriousVexation · 07/08/2019 07:54

Your OH is clearly making an effort which means he loves you

No, it means he wants to shag her. Never underestimate how far someine will go in their quest for jollies.

FuriousVexation · 07/08/2019 07:54

Sorry. I've re read and you said her oh, not om.

Dancinggertrude · 07/08/2019 07:56

The fact he asked you out knowing you have a partner shows that his morals are on the floor, not that he really feels for you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/08/2019 07:56

This bloke is going through a break up (he says) AND knows you have a partner and child, and asks you round his for a shag (innocent omelette my arse). And you are jumping to he he STILL has feelings for you? Still? You had two dates. TWO! He might fancy you still - but he didn't fancy you enough back then for a third date. He fancies you enough for a shag now, and you're building it up into some big romance to fill the void you are feeling with your partner.

You have 4 choices

  1. Leave your partner as it's too little too late and chase after some fantasy romance with other guy, completely confusing dc and probably be heartbroken when you find out you were a rebound shag.
  2. Leave your partner and concentrate on you and your dc. Possibility get together with other bloke after you both have had time to get over your present relationships.
  3. Pop round bloke's new flat for an innocent omelette and start affair that rips your life apart.
  4. Give your relationship a chance and accept other bloke is a distraction fantasy - deleting his number immediately.

Can I suggest 4, followed by 2 if that doesn't work out.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 08:06

You need to block OM's number. You know it's not innocent. You know it's not 'just coffee right'.
You're already hiding things from your OH -you're not innocent.

You're willing to throw everything away for someone you didn't even get to a 3rd date with, who clearly has 0 morals as he knows you're still in a relationship.

Is it that you don't love OH or that you're getting distracted by OM?

IMO I don't think you'd have got back with him after you split on Friday if you didn't want it to work.
OTOH, it has only been 4 days of OH being helpful. Hopefully it does carry on.

It's ok to leave if you're not happy, but don't go running to another man. And please don't cheat - your OH and DS both deserve better than that.

MrMagooooo · 07/08/2019 08:09

Basically you want to start an affair, see if it works and then dump your partner.

If it's not working with your OH the grow a spine and talk to him / leave.

Think about the effects this mess will have on your child and think about how it will fuck up your partner which in turn has a knock on effect with any other women he has contact with in the future.

Your post has REALLY annoyed me. You spoilt selfish little girl.

parent999 · 07/08/2019 08:09

Im sorry but why is everyone jumping on the new guys morals? to me his intentions and morals are irrelevant at this point.
OP with the utmost respect you are responsible for your own actions and if you end up cheating it will be your OH and child that suffers the consequences. You cant blame the new man, you know what you are doing, youre posting about it.
You will hear on this site, many people asking why their ex wont put the children before their own needs. Well now is the time to heed this advice. Put your family first, if it doesnt work then walk away single with your head held high and free to pursue a new relationship guilt free.

The grass is always greener.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 08:26

@parent999 because if you read the OP, his morals make her heart smile Hmm

parent999 · 07/08/2019 08:32

@newmomof1
Yeah fair enough.

On a side note, its not hard to spot the posts of us who have been cheated on. Can you imagine how bad it would be to make such an effort for your OH and family only to find out they were cheating.
Sounds like your OH should have made the effort a long time ago but he's trying now. You should decide if its too late, quickly!

Original poster
Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 08:50

@parent999

Thanks you for the way you have answered. Its exactly what I'm looking for, constructive criticism without being judged or slated. 💚 in your first message I knew I completely agree with it.

I've never been in this situation before and have come here for advice.
I'm not a 'silly little girl ' I'm 38, have a disability that came at the same time as having a child and been through more than my fair share of crap.

As for morals I see in hindsight maybe I should've said outlook but hey all the same.

Me and OH have almost broke up a few times and then did, so its not like the OM came along and started something , its already wonky. But it has made me question more what i feel for my partner. Regardless of OM, it's that part that's important.

Agreed No more texting OM. Need to sort out my partner relationship either way it goes xx

Thanks xx

OP posts:
MrMagooooo · 07/08/2019 08:58

So just because you have a disability and have been through a fair share of crap, you have a free pass to behave how you like. Just because you have nearly broken up also gives you the right to cheat?

If you don't want to be with you OH then don't be or at least explain how you feel and maybe you can work on it or call it a day.

Parent999 · 07/08/2019 09:15

Good for you Welly.
Go to couples counselling, they will help you both decide if you should be together, and if not find a healthy way to split.

If you want to see the consequences then youve come to the right place. What follows is years of pain and anger for your OH and your child, and you can never take it back. You will have to live with "being a cheater". I might get toasted for this but lets be honest, as a man he will likely lose his home and his child. Hes clearly not perfect but does he deserve that? Just look through the posts here about co-parenting with angry ex's, the trouble the children have with separated parents. Right now youre risking all of this for someone you barely know.
I hope understand the gravity of your next decisions.
Good luck

Original poster
Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 09:21

No that's not what I'm saying , I've responded to being called a silly little girl ....I am not a silly little girl

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 09:23

Last response to mrmagooo

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 09:26

You might be a grown woman but the point was that you're acting like a silly girl.

"Oh this boy fancies me so I'll just not worry about anyone else and do what I want" is fine when you're 15. Not when you're 38 with a child.

Allli · 07/08/2019 09:38

Best not to jump from one relationship to another. You need to decide if you want the man you are with or not. Then be single. Your child is your priority. Then consider relationships once you are content.

Having a disability myself I have in the past sometimes felt that I’m better with the guy I have and that I may not get the option of another nice guy ever because of my disability and perhaps I should just stay with the one I’m with, he’s not too bad..., but I don’t think staying with someone under those circs is a good choice. Its settling It’s not love. I’ve done it and regretted it. It wasn’t fair on either him or me. Perhaps that’s not you, just mentioning in case it helps.

Don’t base your future on choosing between the two guys and jumping into a relationship with the new guy because you may not get another option like I used to think.
Counselling with your partner may help you get by the things that put you off him, perhaps he annoys you or you take him for granted, I don’t know. Give it a go. If you don’t love him let him go to find his happiness. I hope you find yours too.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 07/08/2019 10:00

Jesus Christ is this real.

You sound about 12 lol, your poor partner lol, read some of the threads on here from women trying to get over affairs.

Don't be a shitty person lol xxxxx

Original poster
Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 10:05

@Ali

Yes exactly, staying in the wrong relationship is bad for all too. That's what i feel I'm doing, settling and the OM feelings is confirming/reiterates I might not be giving 100% to my partner which is not fair on him.

OP posts:
parent999 · 07/08/2019 10:10

God I hate omelette, is that what the kids are calling it now?

Original poster
Wellyw00 · 07/08/2019 10:23

I came on here because I'm really struggling with my feelings and cant talk to anyone about it. I thought this was a safe place to Express and not be judged.

Some of you have been name calling and not very nice. I haven't hurt you, I'm trying to do the right thing. Its not just 'this boy fancies me' it's been years of feelings. And that I might be with the wrong person, read it how you want. Would you prefer I stay with the wrong one? Would you feel good if you knew your partner just settled rather than loved you?
I need to decide if I love my partner or not. That's it.

Thanks to those with constructive replys.
Maybe I'll just contact you next time instead! Lol....
Although I doubt I'll be back on here
First time been a bit crap.

OP posts:
parent999 · 07/08/2019 10:32

@Wellyw00
Its not that you may or may not be with the right person. Its the cheating thing. I dont think you fully grasp the torturous pain of watching the mother/father of your child, the person you married and love fall for someone else and lie to you about it. If you think "name calling and not very nice" is bad, wait until your husband finds out.

Dont take offence, call it tough love. This is just a taster of what your friends will likely treat you like when it all comes out in the open.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 10:42

We all agree you shouldn't stay with someone you don't love.

It's the OM people have a problem with. If you'd have missed him out of your OP the responses would've been very different, honestly.

You just need to decide whether you want to be with DP, and if not walk away amicably so that you can co-parent.

Then, if 6 months down the line you happened to meet someone, good for you!

MrMagooooo · 07/08/2019 10:51

Your not trying to do the right thing. I think people on the thread have gone easy on you. If it was a man saying this he would be beaten to a pulp with words.

You have started step one of the affair process before you came for advice.

Nothing is black and white, we all know that and in an ideal world you would realise your relationship isn't working and address that, not going all giggly as soon as another man pays you attention,

Of course it's going to feel lovely, but you could blow up your current relationship for a few happy months with him. He might just be looking for sex. Remember he is also going to be taking an another child. I wonder if he's thought about that too.

If you had s dick. You would be thinking with it right now.

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