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Original poster

Dh spoilt 20 year old neice causing havoc

29 replies

WhyWhyWhy2019 · 07/08/2019 02:27

Hi all
I have a stupid, pathetic situation on my hands. DH neice is a trouble maker. Wen i got married she mistakenly thought she was going to be central to mine n DH marriage. She is spoilt by her maternal grandparents. Her opinion matters and they allow her to be centre stage. Along came me and i treated her well but dh and i quietly got on with our lives. So at family events she became reserved with me. Fine with Dh. Infact extra friendly with him but cold shoulder to me. She then started to ignore me. Would respond to hellos just point blank ignore etc but she didnt do this in front of dh Eventually i told dh and we agreed i will should not make an effort with her. Anyway few months later, she is now buttering up to me. What approach shall i take? When we tried to discuss her conduct with my sil, sil did not appreciate us “picking” at her daughter and then she told her mum who justified it all by saying she is a child. Since then the relationship across the family has soured. But now the neice wants to play happy families n i just cba.

OP posts:

NewMum54321 · 07/08/2019 02:32

You may need to explain her behaviour a bit more. Give some examples. So far you’ve said she is spoilt by her grandparents (which isn’t uncommon), that her opinion matters (of course it does?) and that she’s allowed to be centre stage. So what sort of things have happened?

NewMum54321 · 07/08/2019 02:38

I think as a general rule though, if you don’t get one with someone, just give them a wide berth. And if the person you don’t get on with is in your DH family then it’s important you don’t create a difficult situation for him. She’s not going anywhere, and you wouldn’t want to change DH relationship with anyone in his family (I’m sure). So just avoid her, slap on a happy face when you can’t, and don’t bitch about her to your DH.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 02:49

Grandparents often do want to spoil grandchildren. Is she an only GC? If by 'spoil', you mean they've funded driving lessons/1st car, holiday funds, uni top ups? Many GPs will siphon off gifts/time/attention on GCs that they never had the chance to do to the same extent for their own kids.

Russell19 · 07/08/2019 02:58

How old is she?

Russell19 · 07/08/2019 03:00

Ah just seen in title she's 20.... are you sure yours not exaggerating the situation? Why would she think she has a part in your marriage?

Adversecamber22 · 07/08/2019 03:02

Do you mean she was expecting to be a bridesmaid?

Monty27 · 07/08/2019 03:06

@NewMum54321 hear hear.
As an experiment. But I bet she won't settle for that.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 03:18

Also I'm assuming she doesn't live in your house? So if you only clap eyes on her at family functions surely it can't be that hard to bear? She might now be 20 but your SIL, MIL/FIL she'll always be 'a child'. Don't pick a battle you'll clearly lose OP. You'll be painted the wicked witch if you and DH go running telling tales on her to the rest of the family, and no one will thank you for 'setting them straight'.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 03:21

You haven't given us any information at all. No age....no examples of behaviour. How can we judge or advise? She might be 10 or 25! She might be rude or horrendous....explain more.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 03:22

Ah I see she's 20. Sorry....missed it was in the title! but what do you mean by she "expected to be central in your wedding"? And can you explain more about her behaviour?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 03:27

Why would you go whinge to her mother? She's 20 years old. Deal with her directly. Better yet, ignore her completely.

ModreB · 07/08/2019 03:34

I know exactly what you mean OP. I have a cousin in her 40's, who has decided that she does not want to talk to me, without giving me a reason why, or telling me what I might have done to upset her. She actually runs away from me at family functions etc. At my Aunt's funeral, she was sat with my mother, and went to the toilet. I went and sat in the same seat to talk about family stuff, and I saw her visibly recoil and run to the other end of the venue, I assume to avoid me.

I have no idea why, we have never had cross words, or a falling out,

She ignored my DS's, until they got sucessful jobs, then they were worth speaking to. She will greet them, but then turn away and refuse to acknowledge my very presence when I am stood next to them.

RebootYourEngine · 07/08/2019 03:46

It is hard to give a specific answer to your situation based on what you have written.

Just he civil when you are at family events but other than that I would just ignore.

What is it that the niece wants, does she want to suddenly want to be a daily part of your lives?

justilou1 · 07/08/2019 03:53

The grandparents are calling a 20 year old woman a child? Is she the only grandchild?

CJsGoldfish · 07/08/2019 04:32

Based on your post, you seem to be the one with the problem and do not like her.
Sounds like she and your DH may have been close before you came along? Did you assert your importance straight up and put her offside?

She must know you don't like her and she probably doesn't like you but it sounds like she started making an effort and you shut her down. Clearly she's never going to 'win' with you. So why can't you just be civil to each other and leave it at that?

And I'm unclear about why her opinion wouldn't matter to her grandparents?

You'll have to expand a bit I think. I'm sure you will.

Rock4please · 07/08/2019 04:56

Just act like a grown up and be pleasant to her. Maybe she genuinely wants to be friendly. Why do you think she has an ulterior motive?

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2019 05:50

Maybe she's grown up and realised she was being rude. She was a child now she isn't. Just be polite and chatty back.... theoretically I cba to talk to lots of people for various reasons, but I do because I'm not a stroppy cow myself.

Waytooearly · 07/08/2019 06:00

It sounds like as a late teen she was jealous of you as the exciting new person in the family, and so she was bratty to you.

And now as a young woman she's trying to make up for it by being extra nice.

Why are you so threatened by it all?

bluebluezoo · 07/08/2019 06:04

What do you mean by “buttering you up”?

Is she being nice to you? Maybe she’s grown up a bit and realised the error of her ways. Now the wedding is done she’s got over not being bridesmaid or whatever.

Be nice back when you see her. Can’t be that hard.

ems137 · 07/08/2019 06:09

Why don't you just ask her what's been her problem with you?

NoWayDidISayThat · 07/08/2019 06:18

How old is she?

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 06:31

I don't really understand to be honest. How old was she when you got married,

You sound like you dislike her intently, even jealous of rhe attention she got when she was younger, and are trying to hide it so you come across as innocent and she's just taken some irrational dislike to you.

And How old are you?

Walkmehome · 07/08/2019 06:32

What is she doing to ‘cause havoc?’

slipperywhensparticus · 07/08/2019 06:36

Folks it says she is 20 in the title?

Just breezy will do fine "hi how are you nice to see you" move on to the next person be busy chatting at family functions so your not directly ignoring her and family cant accuse you of this your simply socializing

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 06:43

Yes she's twenty now, not sure how old she was at thr time of the wedding, assuming she thought she would be a bridesmaid or flower girl.

The post is so light in info it is odd. How is she causing havoc, why is she buttering thr op up. Why does the op call her spoilt, which is fairly unpleasant, what has the op being saying about her that the mother is now getting upset about it, why does the op feel that this girls opinions shouldn't matter.

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