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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me 1 month before me moving in with him

41 replies

emilymac5 · 06/08/2019 11:48

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, we have had one of the most amazing, happy, fun relationships and everyone can see how perfect we are for each other. We had been on an incredible holiday a month before (one of many) and as loved up as ever and both 28 and nearing 29. I was due to be moving in with him in a month (I already had tenants lined up for my flat), and he comes around to mine and tells me he loves me more than he could /has ever love(d) anyone but he just doesn't feel ready for the next step, and he is 99% of the way there but he has a 1% nagging doubt and he doesn't know what it is, but he just can't continue with me and string me along as he doesn't know if he can ever get there. He doesn't think it is fair on me and in all honesty he seems more confused than I am. It seems to have come completely out of the blue for both of us with absolutely no issues in the relationship. I am 100% in and I am completely devastated. I can't eat and I can't stop crying and when I am not I feel numb like I am in a hideous nightmare. Has this ever happened to anyone? What do I do?

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 06/08/2019 11:56

Listen to him. He's not ready. He's decided not to continue with the relationship. He did the right thing telling you now. You need to hear what he has said and accept it. I know it's rubbish, but it's that old ' if you love him let him go, if he lived you he'll come back to you'. You need to have a good cry, re-group and move in with your life. Proceed as if this is the end of a chapter. If he comes back in a few months a year see where you're at then but don't wait for him. He could be letting you down gently, and you never know who you'll meet

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 11:57

He's playing around is my guess. I'm so sorry

When someone says they "don't think they will ever get there" it usually means they are not that into. If you are crazy about someone you don't just let them go. It means they have or are looking for something or someone different or better in their opinion.

My ex was all red roses, hand holding, declaring undying love etc and everyone joked we were actually one person. Then after 20 years just walked off and I never saw or heard from him again.

Feckers2018 · 06/08/2019 12:16

This happened to my friends daughter. She was distraught at the time but has now met someone else and had a baby and is incredibly happy. Let him go and hope he lives to regret it. Go no contact and keep your dignity.

Feckers2018 · 06/08/2019 12:19

Also it wont have come out of the blue for him. He will have known for a while but didnt dare tell you. It doesnt just happen. He is in charge of his feelings.

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 12:20

You let him go. Don’t contact him at all.

I’m sorry, but if he’s not ready to live together after 4.5 years then he’s just not that into you, whatever he has said in the past or says now. Actions speak louder than words.

Sort out the practicalities and make a new life for yourself.

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 12:22

I know you will be devastated. But he could have lived with you for the next 10 years while you waited for him to be ready to have kids, then turned round and said he still wasn’t 100% sure.

At least he’s told you now.

user1474894224 · 06/08/2019 12:23

You poor thing. Honestly though it's not out the blue for both of you. It's out the blue for you because he never told you.

I'm sorry you are hurting. But as you get on well he just didn't want to hurt you. However he knows you aren't the one he wants to settle down with at this point.

I was dumped when we were living together and due to marry 6 months later. It's hard. But I survived and so will you. I used the opportunity to fulfill some dreams - I took some holidays I wanted - went diving in Cuba, I went cycling around southern Ireland. I had a rebound relationship - splitting from that was almost harder than the 'real' relationship....I think it hit me then. I moved on. It took a while but life sorts itself out.

As someone else said....maybe he'll change his mind. But you can't wait around - you can't even have secret hope as it will stop you living.

I am happy now with the right person for me. Good luck.

Cloudyyy · 06/08/2019 12:33

He just isn’t that into you and he’s trying to frame it in a way that doesn’t upset you (but of course it will do). Keep your dignity and walk away. You have every right to feel very upset and have a good cry - just do yourself a favour and move on with your life. Someone will walk into your life who is falling over themselves to be with you... this person is not worth any more of your time.

Butters83 · 06/08/2019 12:58

Same thing happened to me. Literally out of the blue, after an amazing christmas and holiday. I am very emotionally observant and had picked up his behavior had changed a few days before he dropped the bomb shell. Wasn't ready for next step, wanted to basically move back home so he could not pay rent and save for a mortgage and spend more money on going out and being a lad in his twenties, basically.
More fool him, before long he got a girl pregnant and now is stuck living at home and all his money now being spent on the kid with a woman he doesn't even like. (The saving grace is he does appear to be a very good dad, but karma came and got him).

My advice to you is remember that this happens to pretty much ALL of us. I remember being so heartbroken I couldn't even walk around Tesco without bawling my eyes out if I saw something that reminded me of him. I was a wreck. I got through it. Now I am happily married to the most amazing man and when I look at my ex I wipe my brow at the lucky escape I had!

Butters83 · 06/08/2019 12:59

Also - it sounds perverse but try and enjoy these emotions. Cry, eat ice cream, watch Steel Magnolias, go get drunk with some friends, cry into a kebab etc etc.

NoShitHemlock · 06/08/2019 13:03

I could have practically written this post 20 years ago - 3 days before we were due to go and officially sign for our new house together. My house was sold but he was living with his parents so I was basically made homeless.

He just didnt feel ready for that kind of commitment with me. And then he married someone else 18 months later.

It absolutely sucks. It's the most horrible feeling that you are totally committed to someone who you thought felt the same way, and then realising that it was all an act.

My advice is cut your losses. Your life starts now and he doesn't feature in it. You will never fully trust him again if you let him back and you need to concentrate on your own happiness.

Pineapplefish · 06/08/2019 13:04

Ah OP, sounds like he's just not ready for the commitment. I'm sorry that you are broken hearted but better to find out now than in another 5 years.

Thump · 06/08/2019 13:06

It's unfortunately what we call getting dumped. It is utterly heart-breaking, BUT, you will get over it, he's not the one, and you will move on to someone who is in love with you.

AnneKipanki · 06/08/2019 13:08

You have every right to be upset and feeling awful . However , it is a new start .
Do not contact.
You will recover .

Wilmalovescake · 06/08/2019 13:14

It’s a massively hurtful blow. I’ve been there too; we were engaged.

All you need to do right now is get through each day. Do kind things for yourself, do whatever gets you through each hour, and let time sort it out. Maybe he’ll come to his sense, maybe he won’t- you’ve just got to look after you for now.

FWIW twenty years on I’m so grateful we didn’t get married. But I was devastated for a long time so don’t rush yourself.

I’m so sorry

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 13:15

Op. The timing sucks for him to end it, but better now than even later. Although it hurts now, you will move on and it's better to meet someone new than to be with someone who it's not right with.

As others said, it won't be out the blue for him, this isn't w decision anyone makes lightly.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 13:18

This is, sadly, not unusual.

As PPs say, no contact whatsoever and assuming the relationship is permanently over would probably be best for your wellbeing.

You may well not have the truth about his reasons. My then boyfriend of five years said similar things and it turned out was interested in and emotionally involved with another woman, who he started dating very soon after and later married.

It’s actually good that he ended it before moving in together.

What “everyone” thinks about your compatibility or relationship is irrelevant.

Marylou2 · 06/08/2019 13:19

So sorry but at least he told you before you moved in together. He's much more unsure than a nagging one percent. I was here 25 years ago. The pain and shock will subside and you'll find someone who loves you unconditionally.

HPMac22 · 06/08/2019 13:22

Thank you for all your comments, this all happened yesterday and is very fresh. It is just so confusing because up until a few days ago he was talking about the future and where we would be in 10 years time and I know he loves me I don't doubt that. It was when I told him I had set up my property to be let and paid the money that he suddenly flipped.

HPMac22 · 06/08/2019 13:25

A you all say though. Much better now than if we were living together / in 5/10 years time.

AnneKipanki · 06/08/2019 13:29

OP name change fail !

AnneKipanki · 06/08/2019 13:30

You can contact Mumsnet , they can change it for you.

Manno75 · 06/08/2019 13:31

I think his words were his way of trying to be kind but obviously they haven’t worked. His doubts are probably closer to 100% than 1%.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do other than work through it.

FetchezLaVache · 06/08/2019 13:37

Ouch, that must be devastating. But one day you will look back and feel genuinely grateful to him for letting you go before you moved in together. At least he's had the decency not to string you along.

TeacupDrama · 06/08/2019 13:38

What you need to do fast is tell prospective tenant that you are staying put, so they can find somewhere else

I would also suggest not contacting him at all

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