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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me 1 month before me moving in with him

41 replies

emilymac5 · 06/08/2019 11:48

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, we have had one of the most amazing, happy, fun relationships and everyone can see how perfect we are for each other. We had been on an incredible holiday a month before (one of many) and as loved up as ever and both 28 and nearing 29. I was due to be moving in with him in a month (I already had tenants lined up for my flat), and he comes around to mine and tells me he loves me more than he could /has ever love(d) anyone but he just doesn't feel ready for the next step, and he is 99% of the way there but he has a 1% nagging doubt and he doesn't know what it is, but he just can't continue with me and string me along as he doesn't know if he can ever get there. He doesn't think it is fair on me and in all honesty he seems more confused than I am. It seems to have come completely out of the blue for both of us with absolutely no issues in the relationship. I am 100% in and I am completely devastated. I can't eat and I can't stop crying and when I am not I feel numb like I am in a hideous nightmare. Has this ever happened to anyone? What do I do?

OP posts:

eclj123 · 06/08/2019 13:40

I’ve had friends with similar situations, either on the receiving end or the ones initiating. From male friends I’ve spoken to who are in their 20s, I think sometimes guys have a “OH GOD THIS IS IT” freak out and just cut off. Sometimes normal nerves or doubts can be misinterpreted as something much bigger, this has happened to quite a few couples I know.

It’s hard to accurately know what’s going on with him, but from my experience this is my take on it. However don’t wait around for him, start mentally moving away from him and taking the steps you need to in order to recover. If he’s made a mistake, he will come back, if not then you’ll already be on the path to healing and you are better off being without someone who doesn’t communicate with you about how they are feeling.

It’s going to be a tough time but you can get through this!

Catapultaway · 06/08/2019 13:45

He's been honest, he thinks there is someone better out there for him.
All you can do is move on and forget about him.dont wait for him to find out if he was wrong.

waterrat · 06/08/2019 13:49

This happened to a very good friend of mine. It's not an uncommon moment for someone to walk away from a relationship. It's the last moment at which they can pull themselves free.

If you want to feel anger instead of hurt - think about how many months he will have been having doubts but not telling you. This is not a surprise to him.

I am sorry to say this but I also would presume a high possibility he is chasing someone else. That is usually what allows a man to finally pull away.

Please op. Do not do the pick me dance. Do not let him tell you about his own confusions.

Tell him contact is now completely finished unless he wants to restart the relationship.

Do not be there for him as soothing shag or soothing confusion chat ...he will feel better at dipping in and out of the emotional commitment and it will help him recover quicker.

If you want him to miss you...he has to really know what it feels like to lose you

CaptainCabinets · 06/08/2019 13:49

I was your DP two years ago. I was due to move in with my partner of 4 years and I panicked and left him, not because I didn’t love him but because I was terrified of ‘the next step’.

I moved into the flat we’d chosen on my own and spent a week or two by myself, no contact with him. I missed him so much with every fibre of my being that I asked him if he would move in there with me. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d said no, but he came back and we’re happier than ever now, planning our wedding and about to buy our first home.

Don’t write him off just yet, he could be doing a CaptainCabinets! flowers]

Juells · 06/08/2019 13:57

He doesn't think it is fair on me and in all honesty he seems more confused than I am.

I don't think he's confused at all, he's waffling to make it easier.

Not sure I'd have spent so much of my twenties with someone without some commitment.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/08/2019 14:06

The same thing happened to me in my early 30s and now, I am SO thankful that it did

I was so blissfully in love that I was a bit blind to some slightly rubbish stuff (ie he was such a deep thinker which I used to think was all artsy and romantic but actually just a massive PITA). I can’t tell you how glad I am not to have ended up with him but someone who it really really fits with.

Cry, be kind to yourself, eat icecream, wail in to your pillow but I promise you’ll be better

ShatnersWig · 06/08/2019 14:23

Friend of mine (although she wasn't my friend at the time) had PRECISELY this happen. EXACTLY the same age, been together exactly same length of time, just on the point of moving in, and he dropped the bombshell. Had been out that same afternoon, all holding hands and acting normally.

The fact of the matter was he had his eye on someone else.

pebblemix · 06/08/2019 15:46

This happened to me at exactly the same age. We were engaged. I was out looking at churches and he dumped me because he wasn’t ready. Turned out he was bonking my friend. Thank god he dumped me. He was not the right man for me but I overlooked loads of red flags because I was in love! You’ll get through this

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 16:09

“Not sure I'd have spent so much of my twenties with someone without some commitment.“

There is often strong social pressure not to seek commitment, eg marriage, in your twenties.

Robin2323 · 06/08/2019 17:59

@waterrat

*Do not be there for him as soothing shag or soothing confusion chat ...he will feel better at dipping in and out of the emotional commitment and it will help him recover quicker.

If you want him to miss you...he has to really know what it feels like to lose you*

This absolutely.
I'm afraid I had one ex that used to give me a call when he was feeling insecure.
It took a long time before I said no.

I always thought we'd get back together. We did not thank goodness but I was very young.

Looking back I don't know why I didn't get angry and say 'Your loss. '

Good luck x

I think if we

HPMac22 · 06/08/2019 23:30

Thank you everyone, @waterrat @CaptainCabinets your comments have been what I need to hear right now but I appreciate any and all comments. I feel pretty numb right now. I guess that is normal...I went through a breakup after 4.5 years with someone quite some time ago but this relationship has always felt different in a million ways. It has always felt right.

AnneKipanki · 06/10/2019 11:19

How is it going @emilymac5 ?

donethinkin · 06/10/2019 11:25

Let this be the making of you. Go out and do interesting things with your life and meet new people

HPMac22 · 16/10/2019 18:39

@AnneKipanki thank you for checking in. It has been a tricky 3 months since but I am doing much better and have kept myself incredibly busy. He has texted saying he would like to meet up and give my stuff back. I have been going to some counselling sessions and we think that I am still in shock. I can't seem to shake myself out of it - I kind of erased the whole relationship almost and just carried on but feeling numb. I don't know when I will be ready to see him again but I just hope that I stay strong when I do - I know I have to get on with my life and accept that it is his decision. I don't know how long it will take until I am ready to meet someone new but it seems like I am miles away!

Witchinaditch · 16/10/2019 20:15

Let him go as others have said, he did the right thing not letting you move in if he wasn’t ready. You just have to pick up the pieces and move on. Sorry OP no magic fix.

timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 20:22

You do NOT owe him a face-to-face meeting, you really don't especially given your fragile state just now and what your counsellor thinks.

You tell him to drop off your stuff at a friend's/family member/whilst you are not there/front desk at work but tell him NO I do not want to meet you and he needs to respect that. No, no, no, no, no. I'd even pay a courier to ferry it over before meeting him.

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