Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Being told a few things when other half is drunk don’t know what to do about it

35 replies

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 10:04

Sorry if this bores anyone but I can’t get this out of my head. Two days ago my bf had a good few to drink and when we went to bed he started talking about his past relationships I kept telling him I didn’t want to hear it as I knew exactly where it would end up.
When I was 16 and he was 18 we was both living in a hostel and not in a good place we was kind of together but I got drunk and ended up sleeping with someone he knew... years have passed and now I’m 30 he’s 32 we’ve both had a child from another relationship and we have two kids together. He started on me saying that when he was with his sons mum he’s used to use me to have sex because he wanted to hurt me like I’d hurt him and I would never of ever been enough for him, he also told me that he wouldn’t ever fully commit to me because he doesn’t trust me and never fully will. He called me a slag and said that I was never anything more than a shag when he was with his ex... all because of something I did when I was 16... we’ve been back together three years and had two children in that time this isn’t the first time he’s thrown it in my face when he’s been drunk I genuinely felt like he’s broken my heart by all these nasty comments, then last night we had intercourse it was good I felt like we was close again but afterwards he was analysing it and was comparing our sex to past experiences 😞 I don’t know what to do or say or feel I don’t know how he wants me to feel I don’t know why he’s with me if he wants to hurt me I don’t know why we’ve had two kids

OP posts:

ursuslemonade · 06/08/2019 10:59

You don't have to put up with this you know.....What an arsehole.

Parent999 · 06/08/2019 11:42

Thats a toxic relationship right there.
Get to couples counselling quickly. This clearly isnt going away and no one should accept being spoken to or treated like that.

You must know its only a matter of time right?

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 06/08/2019 11:44

Don't go to couples counselling with a partner who is toxic. No counsellor recommends that.

Stop having sex with him and get the hell out of there.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 11:46

You've only been together three years and already had two kids. This is a lot quite quickly as the relationship was clearly not solid. He's either a nasty drunk or an honest one. Only you can guess accurately which it is, but he doesn't sound like he is happy.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/08/2019 11:51

Well now he has told you that, I don't see how you could possibly sleep with him again. He has no respect for you and he's deliberately trying to hurt you. What a nasty bastard!
Very hard when you've got children with him, but there's not really a future for this relationship, i s there?

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 11:52

Well I'm afraid i would have to leave a man like this. It has happened more than once and it isn't acceptable.
Tell him you're fed up with it and does he think it would be better if you lived apart because you are not happy with the way things are going.
This should sort him out, he will either behave or admit he isn't committed to this relationship.

Original poster

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 11:53

It was very quick that we ended up with two kids my youngest is only three months old now. But I felt like we knew each other before getting back together as we did have a lot of history. He’s had a lot of problems in life especially with his ex and he’s turned to drink as a coping mechanism but I keep telling him it’s not helping although he stresses it does help. The problem is I love him I always have done but even now I’m at breaking point and I don’t know how much more I can take I genuinely feel like this is him getting his own back on me now making me feel worthless and sad whenever he feels like it. He’s never really overly affectionate which iv learned to deal with but maybe that’s him trying to tell me something I don’t know 😪

OP posts:

justilou1 · 06/08/2019 11:55

He’s still hurting you to keep you under his control. What an arse.

Original poster

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 11:57

I spoke to his dad about it all and even he didn’t know what to say to me. (I get on very well with his dad he’s an easy person to talk to) he knows how difficult he can be but even he has told him if he messes this up then he’s a mug but he doesn’t see it. I actually asked him if he was with me out of convenience or if he wanted to be here and he just started laughing and said if I want to go I’d just go

OP posts:

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 11:58

Get rid or he will destroy you. You can’t fix him.

Original poster

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 12:08

Your right I can’t fix him. He’s literally on a path to self destruction and I don’t think he cares at all. Iv just got out the shower and the first thing he says is can we have sex now I just said no I’m going out so he’s walked away moody but I really don’t care i need to clear my mind and decide my next steps from here

OP posts:

lialiana · 06/08/2019 12:09

This sounds like he's an emotional abuser. You deserve better.

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 12:13

You cheated on him and he's never got over it. When he gets drunk that nasty side of his character, and the hurt, comes out.

This is not ok. Will counselling even repair the damage done? I suspect not.

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 12:13

You cheated on him and he's never got over it. When he gets drunk that nasty side of his character, and the hurt, comes out.

This is not ok. Will counselling even repair the damage done? I suspect not.

HollowTalk · 06/08/2019 12:22

Couples counselling with that prick? No way.

Did he move into your house, OP?

HollowTalk · 06/08/2019 12:22

Couples counselling with that prick? No way.

Did he move into your house, OP?

Original poster

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 12:40

Yeah he lives in my house with me, and yeah I did when I was 16 but that’s 14 years ago and if it scarred him that much why did he get back with me 3 years ago which is what I keep asking him and he just said he doesn’t know

OP posts:

lialiana · 06/08/2019 12:44

Struggling to get over you cheating on him all those years ago does not give him the right to deliberately hurt you. You deserve better, and you can't have your kids learn that this the way to treat people.

MollyButton · 06/08/2019 12:51

You didn't cause this.
You can't cure it.
And you can't control it.

Just as with his drinking problems.

You can though get over him.
The first step is to put as much space between him and you as possible. Limit interaction to be about the children, and limit the means of communication there to the minimum. Even in the short term have a friend or someone monitor it for you.
Then get counselling for yourself. There is probably a lot to work on, including the background to you ending up in the hostel in the first place.
You need to build up your self worth. To see he is damaged. And you are quite probably very damaging to each other - partly because of your shared history.

Original poster

Jmbwl · 06/08/2019 20:49

I came home calmly got my babies took them to my nans, I then returned and spoke with him after a three hour chat we have decided that parting ways is for the best. I actually feel free I’m absolutely gutted but I’m free

OP posts:

RunoutofKitKats · 06/08/2019 22:08

Well done, good decision, he sounds like an awful human being.

Take care of yourself in the coming weeks it's often a difficult time. Go no contact if you can and maybe write a list of all the horrible things he's done and read it back to yourself in moments when you're wavering. Freedom programme would be good too.

Good luck with everything and here's to a brighter future x

pog100 · 06/08/2019 23:38

Clearly much the best decision, well done.

SwordofGryffindor · 06/08/2019 23:59

OP.. A hostel when you where only 16. You've had a very rough life fair play to you for surfing it all.

You deserve happiness after that and should leave him. Feic him

SandyY2K · 07/08/2019 01:55

Good on you for seeing sense. He's not worth it.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 07/08/2019 02:36

A drunk mans talk is a sober mans thought. Leave.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread