Teenage son doesn't want to see father/his family - I'm being blamed for it

[contrary13]

That's it, really. In a nutshell, my 14 year old son has decided that he no longer wants to spend any time with his father, or his father's side of his family. I don't know why. But my ex-MIL is very determined that I'm somehow withholding him from them.

Some background, so as not to dripfeed. My ex and I have known one another since the start of senior school - so over 30 years now. We have 14 year DS together, he raised my 23 year old DD from before she can actually remember, until we split, 10 years ago. He cheated. I got a phonecall one morning, after he'd taken DS out for a "father/son day" to tell me that his girlfriend (whom toddler son had tried to tell me about, but when I questioned my ex, he denounced son as a liar) had given birth to their baby that morning, and he and DS were off to the local hospital to visit "his new sister". I kept things amicable, for the sake of the children - and the OW married him 7 months later. DS and DD weren't invited to the wedding. He hasn't spoken to DD since he left, 10 years ago, and the contact/access agreement for DS is (?was) 18 hours a month. Every other Saturday. I have never stopped phone contact (ex and his family simply couldn't be bothered) or DS from seeing any of them (apart from when he had chicken pox and his stepmother was pregnant with second child - and for a while after ex's mother gave him a life-changing head injury, left him severely concussed without treatment for several hours, then brought him home to me, with a gaping, still bleeding wound on his forehead, having smashed just above the bridge of his 6 year old nose with a metal tennis racket as she swung it to knock a ball around on their lawn...). They use my son as an unpaid babysitter for his younger siblings and cousins (from 10 down to 11 months) and from the little he's told me, still aren't great at hearing anything said which doesn't fit into their narrative.

Since he's refused to see them, they've taken to calling on days outside of their agreed contact times - which is fine; it's the summer holidays, and I understand that they miss him. What isn't fine, however, is he refuses point blank to talk to them, I have no clue as to why he's shut down all forms of contact with/access to him... and they're literally telling me that I am "seemingly deliberately preventing" them from seeing/talking to him. I'm not. If he said to me that he wanted to see them? I'd drive him there, myself. His father lives 10 minutes walk away from us, his grandparents 25-ish minutes walk, and his paternal aunt? Four streets away from us. Yesterday, ex's mother was trying to wheedle me into agreeing to my son and "his friends" going round there... and she wasn't hearing me say: "he knows this...!!!".

He's old enough to make his own choices. I support his right to make those choices for himself - and I have explained to him that cutting off one side of his family completely at 14 isn't necessarily the best choice... I've also tried to explain to him that if he communicates about why he doesn't want to see them, then steps can be made to address whatever's happened - but he clams up, shuts down, refuses to engage.

I'm at my wits end with this. 8 'phone calls yesterday were made to me by my ex's mother. My ex? Well, according to his mother he misses our son desperately - but he's not been in touch. My son admitted last night that he's blocked all of their numbers on his mobile 'phone, which undoubtedly hasn't helped... but I don't know what to do. I can't physically force him to see them, and I'd feel a hypocrite if I tried, because I've always told him that he has the right to make decisions about who he wants in his life, himself - especially as he's older. I've actually done my utmost to remove myself from the equation as much as possible, once he seemed capable of organising himself/the time he spent with them. He knows that as long as I know, roughly, where he is and what time he's back - he can see his father and that side of his family as much as he wants.

He simply doesn't seem to want to.

He's not angry with them, I don't think, or been offended/hurt by them. I know he'd tell me if they'd upset me, because he knows I will always be in his corner. He simply won't engage with them... so they're hassling me. And not listening to my trying to tell them that I understand, I don't know what's going on anymore than they do, but the more they try to push him, the more likely he is to make a choice which will hurt him - and them. He'll dig his heels in. I don't want that. But I also don't want them to keep harrassing me to the point where whenever my phone rings, I feel heart-palpitating, stomach sinking dread.

Does anyone have any ideas? On how to get them to respect my son's right to choose, how to listen to him/me when we're saying something they don't want to hear, or simply to grasp the concept that I am not preventing him from seeing/speaking to them... but that right now, he just doesn't want to?

*right

Block them completely. Your DS can go and see them if he wants. He is 14 and has his own mind, let it go. Let him deal with them. You've clearly raised a mature, sensible young man that has made a decision and he knows you will support him.

I know someone whose teenager did actually write to say they didn’t want contact. And the recipient complained that it wasn’t in the child’s own handwriting, even though she had dyslexia and always typed things. They demanded an handwritten version for “ proof”.

Nothing will be good enough for these kinds of people.

Did his father write and explain why he didn’t want his son to have his phone number ? No I thought not. You don’t owe them anything.

Everafter - my son really is a good judge of character. He always has been.

Thank you to everyone who replied - I needed the kick up the arse to accept that I don't have to tolerate them anymore! They've treated both me and my daughter like absolute shit beneath their shoes for the last decade (my ex, the only "father figure" she's ever known, has refused to even make eye contact with her, let alone acknowledge her presence, since we split and, realistically, has contributed to her own MH issues!)... and now? They're making my son feel hounded in his own home. The one place where he has the right to feel safe/secure.

DS and I had a chat last night - he started it, for anyone who might think that I was pressurising him! And he said that he's "just had enough of them". Fair enough. I told him that he doesn't have to have people in his life if he doesn't want to - if someone makes him feel angry, or sad, or less than... he has the right not to want them around him. That if he feels someone is toxic, he doesn't have to indulge them. He reminded me that I've always told him this (then said that maybe, one day, I'll be able to take my own advice), he already knows, blah, blah, blah... He did tell me, however, that in one of their texts to him (which he ignored), they tried to entice him to spend time with them "because they've got [my ex's cousins toddlers/young children] staying with them". So... unpaid babysitter. It would explain their desperation, because they're really not great with little kids. I'll never forget my ex's mother's confusion when I put myself on a level with ex's daughter, so that she and I could make eye contact whilst we were chatting, rather than her have to look up at me - because yes; I actually like my son's half-siblings! I figure that, like him, they didn't ask to be born into this family. But ex's mother (an ex teacher, nonetheless) had no clue that little children don't always have to "look up to" the adults in their lives. Son also said that whenever he's seen them, they've hassled him to take his friends round there, "which, no, Mum! Just... no!". I see his point. I did try to explain to him that when his father and I were his age, his grandmother seemed to think that her house was the hub of our friendship group. That she labours under the delusion that everyone "loved spending time sat around [her] kitchen table". We really didn't. We'd all be in and out of the house as quickly as we possibly could, because... what self-respecting teenager wants to be around their parents - or grandparents, in this case? I reassured him that he doesn't have to take his friends anywhere, and that if he wanted, I'll no longer call out "hello" to the teenagers I've known since they were maybe 2 or 3 years old, when they call here for him... He said that it's fine, because his friends have grown up knowing me, and I'm not in their face(s) - but his grandparents have never met his friends, his father has never met his friends, he would be embarrassed if they did. I didn't ask why, because I remember his father's embarrassment when we used to encounter his parents. I suspect they've grown worse with age (more entitled, perhaps?). But also, I do wonder if my son doesn't want his friends - who have involved extended families - to actually know that his father/grandparents have no fucking clue as to who he is as a person (they don't know he's allergic to oranges, apparently; or that he doesn't like lasagne - they do know, because I've told them... they simply didn't hear what was being said, because oranges are good for children, and who doesn't like lasagne...?!?!)

I have told him that he does need to lay his wishes down in some form, so that they know what is going on. That it is unfair to leave people in limbo, so to speak. He understands that, but can't "be bothered to have anything to do with them right now" - and frankly, now that I know they've not hurt him in some way, simply harrassed him to fill the void in their own lives, I'm going to keep their ring-tone muted, and remove myself unless he needs me to be involved. He knows that I have his back. And he's happy with that. I'm happy with that. And if they can't respect his choices? Well, as Ever says: they're making a rod for their own backs.

Thank you to everyone who responded. Sincerely. Arse kicked, son has explained his motives, I respect his right to make the choice he seems to be - and will continue to support him.

Well done for talking with him - I hope you both feel more at peace with the decision.

I too have a 14 year old son and he would HATE all the stuff you describe - babysitting younger children, having granny make a fuss of him, even me talking to his friends when they come round ( yes the ones I’ve known for 6 years ) .

Of course the kids put up with it in their own family because it’s balanced with all the good stuff . But when it’s someone who has never really bothered with him ( blood relative or not ) then I can see why he would just want to patch them ( get me, I have all the teen talk 😂😅🤣).

Then when you add in the really bad stuff - cheating on you, having a secret baby, not inviting him to the wedding, not even having his dads phone number, manipulations and lies ..... it’s all pretty grim for the poor kid. No wonder he wants rid of all that drama.

He sounds pretty clued up and in touch with his feelings and able to talk about them. Pretty rare in a 14 year old boy . That’s also a protective factor for his mental health , as you will know.

Your son is 14 and has a right to make his own decision. It is great you as his mum are respecting that!

It sounds like his dad just upset they have lost out on a babysitter. Tough shit.