Online Dating - help and advice please :)

[Areallusernamestaken]

Hello all,

This is my 2nd thread on mumsnet. The first is over in the divorce and separation area... I'm hoping this one is a bit more light hearted!

In summary, I'm separated and divorcing my wife. As everything is now progressing ok and my wife and I are friends again, I took the plunge and joined a paid online dating site. I've never dated before as I met my ex as a teenager.

I just need to know what the "rules" are and if I need to do anything differently, and also get a woman's perspective on things. Also, id be happy to hear any funny stories!

So... I've had 5 dates with 3 women in 4 weeks and another one planned this week with a 4th women. All my dates so far have lasted over 4hrs and all have had "proper" kissing and ive really enjoyed myself and so have they. They've not progressed due to lack of spark or misunderstanding about what each other wants (i was offered a friends with benefits deal), but im still friends with the women and we keep in touch. I've also got 4 other women that are on the cusp of dating i.e. I've been WhatsApping, 6 more that I'm messaging online and a celebrity (won't say who!) that has shown an interest. I've also got 47 other women that have favourited me and 14 more that have winked (I'm on match).

I suppose my question is, is this normal?! I'm not a male tart, or on an ego trip, or boastful and not into one night stands. I've not set out to stack up so many women. I honestly didnt think I'd get any interest due to my lack of self confidence since my wife cheated on me (again, see my other thread for details).

I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed and not sure how to calm things down. If someone messages me, i reply as it's just my nature (I've managed and ignored all requests for hookups and other things!). The problem is that none of the women are hideous either in terms of looks or personality, they are all nice looking and lovely people. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I'm finding it hard to stop communicating with them.

So, if anyone can offer advice or let me know how to online date properly it would be appreciated! Im a complete novice, so please be gentle! Haha

Jesus, you're doing well. Maybe I should ditch the apps and join match.com

Just to add - on the apps, I must scroll through thousands of profiles/men that 'like' me. And most are horrendous. I just dislike and scroll to the next. No need to reply, if you don't feel like it.

I agree with toffeeapple123 that is good. My advice is it depends on what you are actually looking for and if you are no longer interested then tell them and end contact . How do you keep up with them all?
Do you ever message the wrong one lol?
OLD is always a gamble and not for the faint hearted

Whilst coming out of a relationship into the dating world is sometimes an amazing thing in terms of your confidence with so many ladies flocking! I think maybe you need to write down all the traits that are important to you in a woman and weed out the people who don't fit into your needs.

Also, the bit about 3 women in 4 weeks and non of them have gone any further, possibly suggests that you're not chatting to them for long enough to find out their expectations. Maybe you assume that every woman wishes for a long term thing, when that is obviously not the case. Some woman enjoy the chase and like the attention more than having a relationship. Well, men do, so I suppose the same could be said for women!

Be choosy, unless you just want to have some fun!

Oh and forgot to add, you are a prize. Make them work to get you!
If you don't feel the vibe, just say that you don't feel that they're right for you. Everyone on OLD expects that to happen occasionally.

Thanks for the quick responses!

@toffeeapple123

I haven't actually searched myself so far, just contacted women who have liked me. I'm just finding it bizarre as ive only put 2 pictures on and not spent much time on the bio so not sure why they are flocking??! I've just been honest about myself. So far my age range of women who are interested is 18 to 72 of all creeds and colours! Haha

@jade74

I'll be honest I'm not sure what I'm looking for as I was with my ex for so long. I don't think it's looks I'm after, although obviously there has to be some attraction initially, it's more personality. I've clicked messaging some women but others have responded in one word answers that make progressing conversations difficult. Ive just let them fall by the wayside rather than chasing them up.

I'm naturally chatty so always have lots to say, but my Whatsapp is now full of women and i have to re-read what ive sent to them. I've been 100% honest though if anyone has asked anything about dating. I've suffered through my wife's lies so I'm taking a completely honest approach.

You are right, ìts a strange world online!

@dinks66

I'm getting there with things that are important to me. I'm messaging a women where conversation seems to flow without effort and we seem to have similar interests. It does feel better than the rest have been and I think we'll date soon. I don't feel that with the woman im dating this week who is 9 years younger than me. I feel I'm too old for her but she wanted to meet me. I dont expect it to progress but its experience and I'm sure I'll have a good time.

I think it's just going to take me time to get used to online dating. I'm happy though which is the main thing!

Maybe you could put more in your short bio to try and show them what stuff you like and don’t like to narrow it down a bit?

If you look half way decent in your pics, seem solvent and articulate, you will probably be top of a lot of womens’ lists! Single guy, seems genuine, not a twotiming rat scumbag, yeah, sounds good to me!
I talk online for ages before I meet anyone as they generally start up nice but then say something that rings warning bells and It’s game over for me.
But I’m fussy, some women use these sites for a free meal and a one night stand. You may get used! Just look after yourself. Happy dating

Well, it sounds like you’re a catch. You wouldn’t believe the sheer number of horrendous looking men I have to wade through.

One piece of advice. I’d recommend altering the age which you’re searching for. I write off men who explicitly show they’re searching for 18+ years onwards.

Best of luck! (Doesn’t sounds like you need it though!)

@allli

Thanks for your comments. I've got bits about holidays, free time and food in my bio along with my situation... separated with 2 kids. Never thought I'd have to write something to put people off! Haha

I do mention my job though which I guess people could make financial assumptions about.

As you may have gathered I talk and talk and talk. One woman said I sent her the longest WhatsApp message known to man... didn't put her off though and she's pestering for a date.

I've not paid more than my share on dates, in fact if anything I've ended up paying less for drinks. I've also been cooked a meal at someone's house for a 2nd date (it was with the date that is now my friend, no sexy time, although she did invite me round to see her pussy(cat) ).

I won't be getting used, don't worry. I've been offered various things but managed to ignore or decline their offers. It's made me realise how horrible it must be for women though who get bombarded by dick pics and pestered by pervs. It does make you feel slightly dirty, like a piece if meat.

@toffeeapple123

Are you adding yourself to my favourites list?! Haha

I've no idea how to change the settings but will check. I think it's just automatically set at +/- 6 years but it hasn't stopped young and old sneaking through. Odd thing is I've also had people after me from the other end of the country... how the heck can that work??

I keep been told there are horrendous men out there online, but what makes them horrendous? Do they just look like Gollum or are they letchy and nasty? I don't get to see my competition, but would be interested to know!

Worse than Gollum. Inappropriate comments in profiles. And even a few married men looking for a bit on the side - and they say it upfront!

They are liars and time wasters I have had my fair share one came for a date texted to say his car wasn't working very well but came anyway then said oh I only have 20 mins so bought a coffee then said he had to go because of his car. I texted him the next day then nothing no replies he was probably guiltily married . As you get older it's so hard to find decent guys online, you sound like one, which maybe why you are in luck. Also there are fake and old profiles which disappear. It doesn't matter if you pay or go on free ones they are all the same and you get people who are always on there with the same picture from years ago ...

Sorry for long message I have had an earful lol.
I think it's better to meet people in person to be honest if possible

I have also have the usual dick pics and men on what's app trying it on they can come over decent then change the tone very quickly just keep your wits about you and look at the dating thread on here as well it's useful .

@toffeeapple123

Worse than Gollum?! Haha I suppose if they are upfront about having affairs then although it's morally wrong at least you know what you are getting.

@jade74

No problem with message length, it's good to hear people's experiences. I'm sorry you have had some bad dates. I do agree it would be better to meet in person, although that's difficult when you've got kids and have to work full-time.

Thanks both, again for your comments

Thats ok I guess that s one of the reasons why a lot people end up OLD their lifestyles good luck maybe keep us updated a successful OLD story is always good to hear what I meant by looking for was a serious or casual relationship etc or a fling or friends with benefits these days there are so many varieties lol

Besides the married men, I've chatted to catfish & scammers. My stalking skills on social media have come on leaps & bounds & saved my ass a fair few times. But it's quite sad that I have to do this.
That's before the personality red flags start!
Enjoy dating... be wary!

I think speaking to as many women as possible is a good thing for you at the moment. You will quickly discover what it is you are looking for that way and also what your deal breakers are.
I was in a very similar situation and a year on and after some horrendous and some wonderful dates (one guy in particular who I knew wasn’t emotionally available) I’ve learned so much. Met someone amazing and now I’m completely smitten. Good luck it’s a journey this dating malarkey but I’ve found out so much about myself x

@jade74

Yes, I dont mind keeping things updated. From my separation thread I found it helpful to note my thoughts so may do the same here.

@dinks66

So you've had the Nigerian princes and fake profiles?! No idea why anyone would bother doing that. Seems like a lot of effort just to mess people around! I've got a minimal social media profile so any stalker would have issues with me! Haha

@sunnydays78

Thanks for you comments, very helpful. I am starting to slowly discover things, mainly that I'm not interested in women who just want my ding-dong! Also I'm not going to try and force conversations, if someone replies in one word answers without showing any interest in progressing, then I'm not going to push things.

It'll take me time, but I'm sure I'll get to the same good place you are in. There seems to be so many lovely and genuine women out there who just want to be loved and cared for. I've got that love to give, I just need to find the right one!

You had asked about profile pics we lassies see.

First, I bet your profile pic is a smiling one with a nice background (Sky, trees, etc). That’s normal and good.

However they are not all like that. You would not believe the amount of male pics on the free dating site I’m on that have a hard faced “I’ll beat you up at the drop of a hat” lookin, non-smiling, hacket male with hideous clothes and a bathroom wall in the background. There’s bodiddly squat info on the profile except pubs and football as hobbies, and the user name is something related to a football club. (Not always bad but I’m not into it as there are so many matches and I’d never see him) . They say they live in rented accommodation but earn £80,000 a year. Yeah, sure they do. Great. A real catch. A liar whose taken his photo in the bathroom so the wife won’t catch him (she can go online you know) who isn’t very clever.

Perhaps I should go on match as there may be a better class of single male who may actually be ok!

Good luck. Take your time. Be picky and don’t settle for second best, read profiles and find out how long they’ve been single and why. You only get one life, enjoy.

@allli

Yep, my profile picture, although a selfie is me smiling with a sunny background. My 2nd picture is just a head shot my 5 year old took of me. I'm stubbly with shaved short hair and look a bit "rugged" (tired?) I guess?! Haha I've also been honest about looks, height etc.... I am quite tall (6ft 3) and that seems to bring in the crowds too??

I didn't realise men put that stuff in their profiles. I've just tried to copy what the women I can see have done with mention of kids, job, likes, holidays etc. I guess it's quite a feminine bio?!

I've not come across any women who don't have a career of some sort (seems to be a lot of primary school teachers!), so i guess as its a paid for app you get rid of some of the scummy people straight away. However, ive been told theres still dick pics aplenty so you won't be able to escape that!

Thanks for the advice, I'm not going to settle to just bag someone. I'm in my mid 30s so got time on my side. I've asked everyone I've contacted how long they've been on match for. Most of them not long, but some have used bumble(?) and tinder before with no luck.

Its taking up a lot of my time, but I'm finding it fun and I'm happy. I've got a date with a much younger woman tomorrow (going to a country pub for some food and drinks), another 2 preliminary planned for next week and then 2 more potentially the week after. There's also the celebrity woman (possibly z-list rather than a-lister!) that keeps messaging me, although I don't want to appear in closer or whatever as a "mystery man" or be used in a paparazzi money making thing! Haha

I never, ever thought I'd be a serial dater or be having to turn women down but I guess it's just the way things are online! I hope I'm not coming cross as bragging, or boastful.... this whole experience, dating and women, is just so alien to me I'm finding it bizarre!

Alli - so true..proper giggling. But you forgot the other photos:

• Naked man - just to show I've not let myself go!
• Holding the fish pic
• Drunk with his mates
• Mean and moody, I love myself, who do you love?!
• Life has been so hard to me, I can't be bothered to smile
• I am in my car pic.

They are the one's I can remember!

I've not had a dick pic for months...

Enjoy your dates! Hope you find a lovely someone....just off to join Match! Maybe there's a nice mid - late 40's man on there!!

@Dinks66 You are so right, ha ha, I forgot about the fish one (honestly had one of those, just the one, but that was enough - although it’s good to have a hobby I don’t need proof).
Yeah, the naked man, ha ha, so funny, esp when nowt to pose about! I’ve had the mean and moody poses (as opposed to “mean, moody, magnificent” quoted from Porridge, if only they had been magnificent, sadly not, a skinny wee whiter shade of pale dude in an off white towel with a magnolia woodchip wallpapered wall behind ain’t attractive. Total beigefest).
I’ve not had a car one yet, disappointed now!!

Yeah, happy times! And if you find any good sites with mid 40s single guys let me know ha ha!

I see your holding a fish pic and I raise you holding an alligator

@areallusernamestaken believe me I have had bad even on paid sites people trying to talk about sex after talking normally for a while ! Men cancelling dates at the last minute using illness as an excuse I think that online dating just gives people more excuses to hide behind a screen and lie and cheat, HOWEVER I do have some friends who have met nice men on match and some are in long term relationships guess it's all a chance thing. You have to have a lot of time for it which I don't have much of either. Good luck all