Online Dating - help and advice please :)

[Areallusernamestaken]

Hello all,

This is my 2nd thread on mumsnet. The first is over in the divorce and separation area... I'm hoping this one is a bit more light hearted!

In summary, I'm separated and divorcing my wife. As everything is now progressing ok and my wife and I are friends again, I took the plunge and joined a paid online dating site. I've never dated before as I met my ex as a teenager.

I just need to know what the "rules" are and if I need to do anything differently, and also get a woman's perspective on things. Also, id be happy to hear any funny stories!

So... I've had 5 dates with 3 women in 4 weeks and another one planned this week with a 4th women. All my dates so far have lasted over 4hrs and all have had "proper" kissing and ive really enjoyed myself and so have they. They've not progressed due to lack of spark or misunderstanding about what each other wants (i was offered a friends with benefits deal), but im still friends with the women and we keep in touch. I've also got 4 other women that are on the cusp of dating i.e. I've been WhatsApping, 6 more that I'm messaging online and a celebrity (won't say who!) that has shown an interest. I've also got 47 other women that have favourited me and 14 more that have winked (I'm on match).

I suppose my question is, is this normal?! I'm not a male tart, or on an ego trip, or boastful and not into one night stands. I've not set out to stack up so many women. I honestly didnt think I'd get any interest due to my lack of self confidence since my wife cheated on me (again, see my other thread for details).

I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed and not sure how to calm things down. If someone messages me, i reply as it's just my nature (I've managed and ignored all requests for hookups and other things!). The problem is that none of the women are hideous either in terms of looks or personality, they are all nice looking and lovely people. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I'm finding it hard to stop communicating with them.

So, if anyone can offer advice or let me know how to online date properly it would be appreciated! Im a complete novice, so please be gentle! Haha

@Originallymeonly, alligator, brilliant. Between the posts on this thread and the thread on active about old mans pants I’ve been laughing out loud. The cat had left in disgust for a quieter room with less laughter!

@originally You win! Very manly...Grrrrr! The best I could do is a catfish!!

Bugger...can't find the old mans knicks anywhere. Will persevere, it's got to be easier than finding my perfect man!

I've preserved his dignity, not that he deserves it, posting such a thing

Because nothing says chat to me I'm a catch better than a small alligator

OP I’m glad you’re having fun and being respectful. One tip is to hide your profile for a while so you can work your way through your current catch without getting overwhelmed by yet more.

Oh, it's quite small. Only a small grr then! Not even with a capital G!!

@allli @Dinks66 @Originallymeonly

So funny to hear your stories... and that picture of alligator man! Hahaha

@CassettesAreCool

Thank you for your comments. I'm going on holiday soon and was hoping it would call down naturally. Unfortunately I'm just been swamped by favourites, winks and messages so I might have to go hidden for a while!

My current status update:

1st woman (1 date) - she wanted friends with benefits so we don't keep in touch any more, although she keeps looking at my profile.

2nd woman (2 dates) - we've become really good friends and chat regularly about our dating experiences.

3rd woman (2 dates) - friends, but its difficult as it's obvious she wants more. I tried to cut contact but she maintains she just wants to be friends with no expectations.

4th woman (1 date) - much younger than me and not as worldly wise. Lovely girl, but I dont think it will progress.

Now, onto where it gets more complicated, these are women in conversation with me... I'll label these alphabetically

Woman A - I have a horrible feeling it's the mother of woman 4! They look similar, live in same town and the age fits (woman 4s mum was a young mother). I'm trying not to go anywhere with this one just in case.

Woman B - started messaging me out of the blue at the weekend. Seems nice but conversation is a bit stilted, have agreed provisionally to a date.

Woman C - again, another that started messaging out if the blue. Conversation flows easily and we've got a fair bit in common. Again, date potentially after holidays.

Woman D - someone I've been in touch with for my whole time on match. Sporadic chats but nothing continuous. Holidays and other things prevent a date at this stage but I know she'd like to.

Woman E - I feel most connected to this woman despite not knowing her long. She's said I'm a very handsome man who won't be in match long, I said she looked gorgeous (I do fancy her a lot). Similar age with similar kids and background. Date agreed and been planned.

Woman F - another random conversation. We seem to get on well but not as much as woman E. Conversation flows easily but she is 30 miles away.

Woman G - just started conversation recently. She is a delicate person who has dealt with a lot of rubbish in previous relationships. Not sure I want "damaged goods"... that sounds awful, but I hope you know what I mean?!

Woman H - very few messages but she's made it clear she REALLY likes me. Not sure I want someone so keen so early??

Woman I - conversation started well but she moved onto talk about spanking and hair pulling. I'm not a prude but I don't think that's for me!

Woman J - widow, but very young and very good looking. She is from Syria, and I'm worried her widow status is due to issues in Syria! Don't want to get involved with an ISIS bride... she really is stunning though, imagine a Persian princess with big blue/green eyes and dark hair. Maybe I'm been silly, but I've held back a bit here.

Woman K - started messaging but she gave one word answers. She keeps starting conversations, but then ending them as she doesn't ask anything back. Odd!

Woman L - we got on really well and arranged a date but she backed out at the last minute. Not heard from her since but she keeps looking at my profile.

Celebrity Woman - this is the one I'm intrigued by. She approached me on match and I have messaged her a few times. I'm just worried I might be being played and end up on celebs go dating of something?! Weird thing is, ive always sort if liked her even before this dating connection. I'm going to be cautious!

So, that's all the women I've been, or am in touch with.... re-reading it makes me seem like a player or stud or just a slag!! Haha I'm honestly not like that, my ex was the only person I've ever been close to and until I started dating the only woman I'd kissed properly!

On top of these I've got a lot more that have favourited me or winked at me. I haven't had to search yet so guess if I did I'd find more women I'm attracted to. I sound like Hugh Heffner! Haha

I think my hope is that my date with woman E goes well so I can take a break! I don't know when I'll fit dates in between my job, my kids and my training to be a police special constable (just got accepted for assessment and training - could have a "man in uniform picture for me profile soon!" Haha).

Again, I really hope I've not come across as a guy on an ego trip?! This whole thing is new and confusing and I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong or anything like that. I know I'm happy and enjoying it, but its getting tricky to keep up!

Any comments good or bad are welcome!

You are having fun and meeting lots of people- great,you totally deserve it.Comments like “isis bride” and “damaged goods” - not great. Even if you didnt mean any offence. Good luck :)

Being a decent guy puts you WAY ahead of the majority that I've spoken to (men and women as I'm bi). The amount that send dick pics as soon as you move to whatsapp etc is astounding.

I love sex, good sex incredible, but it's a shared experience, not a currency or something that I want to do with people who once I get to know I think are absolute arseholes.

Smising (a la top model / Zoolaner) topless pics in a smudgy mirror and most of all pictures where it's clearly their wedding day and their (presumably) Ex wife is cut off are all regular. Ugh.

What I would say is, and I've said this to MOST of my male friends who are eligible and fucking lovely, is do NOT get too cocky or start to push the boundaries of your moral compass.

Lots of my male mates have been so excited this many women are into them that they've kissed / shagged loads on the first date and then feel obliged to see them again even if they aren't that keen on the woman. Which is wankerish. Don't lose yourself in this, you sound lovely so be true to your niceness.

Also as a bi woman who personally wants a monogamous relationship only, I'm astounded at the number of my female mates who do the "yeah I'm not like the other girls, casual is totally cool" but in reality feel the same as me and want someone to see exclusively.

If you get the sense that's what they want, and they are just playing cool girl to keep you interested then walk away. Be that guy.

No problem at all if anyone (man or woman) wants to sleep with anyone they genuinely want to sleep with, but if you get the sense they are saying it just to keep your interest then trust your instinct.

PS Also don't put up a picture of you holding a half sedated tiger - it's AMAZINGLY common (as in frequent, not the derogatory label)!

Hi, I haven't read all the replies but there is a dating thread for this kind of thing and we all give each other advice, support and shoulders to cry on-men and women! It's currently Dating Thread 166: Who Dates Wins

I'm not on Match but I was when I first started OLD and I found I had to really narrow down my filters to stop getting 100's of messages from men I wasn't interested in/were too old/too young, etc.

If I wasn't interested I didn't reply.

Not sure how lovely you are actually, you've dropped a few comments in that would make me run a mile (scummy people, damaged goods) and yes I do think you are coming across as cocky.
Everyone gets inundated when new, building a connection with any of them will be hard when you have woman a, b, c &d to think about too. Kid in a sweet shop is understandable if you have had limited experience with dating but it makes it hard to focus on one person.
Have fun but try not to be so judgy on the scummy people some of them are shock horror, quite nice too!

@Dinks66 The other link I was laughing at is called: old mans pants by chilling19, sorry I don’t know how to send a link, still getting the hang of this site! Must go read the latest pant posts.....
OP, I agree with the suggestion to not get carried away with all the dates and jump in the sack with everyone. Be selective about who you do anything more with than date and kiss. But then again what do I know, I’m still single ha ha!

I get what you mean by damaged goods as I think we all are that to some extent, as our life experiences colour us, but I appreciate others may not like that phrase.

@Nadia86

Thanks for your comments. Yes, sorry I didn't mean any offence to anyone. Hope none taken!

@ThatCurlyGirl

Thank you for your comments. No, id never send a dick pic. The 2nd woman I saw asked me to promise not to send her any knob pictures... I sent her a picture of a door knob which she found funny!

I promise I'm not cocky, really, if you read my divorce thread you'd hopefully see my main focus in life recently has been the wellbeing of my children. All of this online dating has come as a complete surprise to me. I'd never sleep with anyone I wasn't intending to be with long term, it's just not my thing. I have kissed all my dates though as I think it's important to see if there is any feeling there.

@Sunshineandflipflops

Thanks for the guidance, I'll have a read of that thread. Yes, ive started ignoring people now who don't interest me. It's against my natural instinct but I have no choice.

@Whatastrawberryfool

Thanks for your comments. Sorry I've come across that way to you. My description of scummy people was thinking of people that send dick pics or the female equivalent. I'm not filtering people on background, job or anything like that. I'm not from a privileged background and have probably been described as scummy before (ive got a strong northern accent) so wouldn't judge people like that.

@allli

Thanks again for your comments. Yes, I suppose my "damaged goods" comment was harsh. I'm probably in that classification too, I just meant I want a relationship without a hangover from a previous life... if that makes sense?

@Alli - found it! I've got a glass of wine and shall read...cheers!! :D

We're all different, and that's great. But, in the interests of balance, another perspective. It's a little immature to get over-excited about winks and favourites. They are legion and mean diddly squat. While it's unwise to over invest in someone you've never met, keeping quite so many plates spinning, with quite such enthusiasm isn't particularly cool. You are enjoying a lot of attention from online dating. I'm not sure you needed a top up from MN.

@Alli Funny! Small toddlers...hilarious!

OMG dinks yes so many car selfies. And the pics with a big fish? WHY??? And pics of drunks in football shirts, people pulling faces and some photos which are not even the right way up so they are peering out at you at right angles. Jesus!

So far have messaged back the one man out of 60-odd who appeared to have actually read my profile. The others just about manage ‘hey’ or ‘nice pics’ ... I mean my profile isn’t great literature but it is two paragraphs ffs. Read it!