how to date after a narcissist

[helloheatwave]

I have name changed, for no other reason than I haven't been on in a while and forgotten my password! But I have been a regular.

18 months ago I went into total meltdown. My body broke and I could barely put 1 foot in front of another. I was in the throws of adrenal fatigue caused by a relationship with (what I now know) a narcissist (although it took a team of medical staff to get me to see it). It has taken a long, painful 18 months to get to the point I am at now and I can say I am happy. I am also ready to dip a toe into dating......however......how do you do it? Firstly I am wary as I couldn't go through that again- so will be on full alert for red flags. Not a great way to start. Secondly, by the very nature of a narc, everything is extreme- taking away all the negatives (and there were a lot!) the fun was more fun, the laughs were harder, the excitement was higher, the sex was incredible. How do you even start to find someone who can give you that, but who isn't going to also give the bad extremes? If it exist, it would mean the new person could also be a narc, so how do I get 'over' this?
Anyone know what I mean?

Oh OP, I was just trying to find the words to put this thread into existence.

I am so broken. I miss him and hate him at the same time.

I am resigning myself to being single forever, because he’s not an option because he’s horrific, but I also can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else.

I have DC and lovely people in my life, I would never do anything silly, but I’ve had enough of life! I want to live on a remote island with no internet, pressure, expectation, job or aspirations with my DC. People could visit me, but on my terms.

I am a shell of my former self.

I am so so sorry for you OP. I know how awful you feel right now.

Yes! I hate him more than I ever knew hatred could be, but there is so much I miss. I wont allow myself to love him- but I love things we did and miss those.
I guess unless you have ever been through it, you cannot know and just saying that sounds bonkers, but I have been left in a strange place I do not know how to move on from.
I am over the relationship and accept that it wasn't 'real', but I want the good bits back so as a result miss him, or what we had. I have had the hoovering and was strong enough to not respond, but it hit me in the gut like ice. He is now blocked and it isn't about him but how do you find that intensity with someone again. It is like nobody can live up to him- yet I wouldn't want anyone to ever be like him.
How do you date after that? Everyone will be, well, boring in comparison.

as for the island, I understand. There was a long time it was overwhelming and I felt the same. It took months to get out the front door, so an island would have been great! I think that takes time. It will never be the same again, but you learn to live a different life, which in itself is great. I hope you find that place too. xx

Oh helloheatwave what a mess we’re in.

Sadly, if I’m really really honest, I don’t hate him. Sometimes I do, but not really for long periods

And I still love him, because I’ve discovered that I’m a weak, codependent loser with daddy issues

But I don’t want him, I will never put myself through that again and I can say that with absolute clarity. As you say, I’ve accepted it was never real. The love that I feel for him was never reciprocated and that realisation is truly devastating and I never want to feel love for anyone else.

Well done for withstanding the hoovering OP! You are very strong. Mine hasn’t bothered hoovering me as he has met someone else and moved on. I was literally nothing to him.

I’ve done the same and blocked him, just in case.

How do you date after that? I’m not going to. I can’t ever go through that again. There are no men that interest me. This sounds so arrogant, but men hit on me all the time, everywhere I go. Younger or older, super attractive, great jobs, lovely ones and I couldn’t be less interested. Dating anyone would feel like a waste of my time! So I’m focusing on my DC, exercise, people that I love and work! That’ll do for me and I don’t see that changing at any point in the future.

The man that I actually love is a personality disordered individual who has no ability to feel empathy or compassion for others! I believed that I was everything to him and I was nothing to him! He moved on without even telling me. There has been no closure! I am broken! How fucked up is that

OP

Can I join the club? It's only fully hitting me how bad things were and I still wish it was different. I still want the man I fell in love with, not the one that pushed me to the brink. Seriously, when I look at the expectations he had, I hate him. But then I also loved so much of the time I spent with him.

I'm currently in counselling and part of that has highlighted I'm pretty much pre-disposed to be attracted to this sort of person, with the extreme highs and lows. I'm hoping with counselling I can one day be happy with 'normal' but I'm a long way off.

I too would like to go live on an island

Me too. 3 years later, many many months of no contact I still miss him. I’m not ready to date because I cannot imagine loving anyone. Like I loved him....

I’m happy enough. Pottering in my home with my youngest (14) working, and seeing close friends. But I’m not really LIVING .... and I cannot face dating again... possibly ever.

I was with of those for 4 years; I had to leave in the end with nothing; I do miss all the “good things” but then I remind myself about the crazy times; when he did abusing me; physically and emotionally; I have now meet a good one but it has been difficult; can you believe that even my bf is the best I ever had and he treats me with love and respect; I still miss my ex; I will never ever go back to that and I’m hoping that with time I will get there

Allofasudden- what a beautiful picture and so very true. Thank you. xx
Helpmeltb- welcome! We can have a club!

I too am a co-dependent. I would go out of my way to help my worst enemy, even at a detriment to myself. I actually see this as a good trait. It is nice to be nice and I refuse to change that. What I have to learn is that people take advantage and the world is not full of nice people. It took a very dark place and a LOT of counselling to see that, but I don't want to change it. I like me, I just have to be careful who 'me' helps. Narcs can sniff it out like blood, which makes us prime targets, but I think knowing that is a powerful tool against them. Not always easy tho!!
I find the hardest part now is explaining how good the good bits were. So counter to everything we hear about the bad of narc abuse. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't do it again, I wouldn't have the strength to go through it again. It is the most horrific pain that you cant even describe to someone who doesn't know. It is like a drug and you get hooked. Having detoxed my fear is that I will never know that 'high' again. They say heroin addicts are always looking for the buzz they got on the first time they used it- and see where that goes. This is so very similar.

Yes, it's very much like an addiction. I did try to move on. Met a lovely guy but I just didn't get that excitement (the high) so I ended it. Narc then suggested he wanted me back but when I asked where I stood, he just got angry with me. Apparently I had no right to ask that and he's ashamed of me for seeing someone else and my kids will be ashamed of me too. Nothing about his behaviour that led to us breaking up, no reply from him when I brought that up, just silent treatment. I can't go back to it...but I don't know how to love without that excitement.

It is sad there are so many of us who have had this experience, but it is actually 'nice to open up about it. I feel guilty for admitting it IRL. How could I miss someone who was so bad?? Strangely reassuring to know it is a 'thing' although so sad we have all had to experience it

so, nobody has found a similar 'hit'? Is it possible? I am staying away from online dating- that seems a giant game of cat and mouse with waaaay too many players. I am not even sure how you meet people without online dating these days!

Give yourselves time ladies. There's no rush. Please don't end up in another abusive situation.

What did your counsellor say about this?

Previously I read about trauma bonds and about someone seeing someone beat their head off a wall and asking them why they're doing it...and they answer "because it feels so good when I stop".

That's why things felt great for you afterwards. I'm sure you know all of that.

I wonder would mindfulness help you, a good therapist who could help you appreciate little highs or normal highs, and appreciate those moments, instead of always looking for the crazy highs that follow pain.

Interesting you say that user, my counsellor has recommended mindfulness

The Melody Beattie books are really good - there is Codependent no more (which you can buy a workbook to go with) as well as the daily reflections book.

Can I join? I’m in the throws of trying to escape and haven’t quite managed no contact yet. I am a professional, single mum who is honestly just hanging on to my sanity with the barest grip tonight. Everything you’ve all said above I could have written and I’m so relieved I’m not alone in wanting someone who can be so cruel, so much.

I’m finding this thread really therapeutic, I really needed that tonight

Theres a really good youtube channel about leaving narcs, understanding them and healing from the CPTSD you're left with. If you Google Richard Grannon or spartan life coach you'll find it

I think you do get left with serious trauma.
And it’s highly addictive.

It’s completely impossible to explain it to someone who’s never been in that situation. No one understands.

And no I’ve not managed to find something that assuages the desperate need to have the high adrenaline rush from being loved by them.

I think we have to reframe our whole lives. What do we want? What do we need? What would someone who loves us think we deserve?

Mirroring isn’t real, and that’s the bit that’s hardest, it’s like you’re soul mates because you think the same things - so you think you’re connected in a deeper way than you’ve ever been with anyone else.

Whereas they’re just doing a derrin brown on you.

In the end, having a soulmate is not a good thing, having someone who cares and respects you. And will be there for you is real. And what we should be aiming for.

But as I said. I’ve not found it yet.

@supercali77, thank you will watch it. For me personally I have managed the breakaway. I got through it (hardest thing ever) but it is the next step. I don't think a counsellor can guide through this step and it is not about Mindfulness (sorry User148....). Mindfulness may be great for calming, but this kind of mental warfare took a lot more than calm to get out of.
It is the fact that nobody else can live up to the person who caused you the most pain which just messes with your head! I am ready to look, but knowing I will be, well, bored, with someone else is the bit that sticks. I don't think any course can teach you how to deal with this. Watchingtyme I right, it is about reframing but how do you go about that with the knowledge nobody else can give you what you want?

I am nearly 3 years post separation and only now recovering. I am over him but the impact of him in my life is taking longer to fix as I have had to recover financially, physically and emotionally. It has been a rebuilding exercise as Ex was very vindicative and most people are shocked to hear how vicious he became. Most say he must be "mentally unwell" but given he holds down a responsible job and only directed his anger to me he is "just" personality disordered.

He wanted to destroy me because I dared to leave and he didn't have a fresh supply lined up. Now I know about NPD I get it but at the time I was clueless. It is one of the reasons I post on MN as desperate for others to know the warning signs. If you plan on leaving a NPD husband you have to plan quietly and assume high conflict despite your best attempts. They don't do amicable or compromise.

YouTube is excellent for resources on recovery and Melanie Tonia Evan's focuses on recovery not on the abuse.

Recovery involves firm boundaries and that takes a while. I haven't started to date but I practice my boundaries and observations on people around me, a key part is learning to trust your instincts. Most of us will say we knew something was "off" but in my case because I couldn't define or name his behaviour I ignored my instincts. That is my lesson.

It is difficult for people to fully understand what it is like to be a a partner when their mask slips, the sudden awareness that you are with someone who has no empathy, remorse or conscious it is terrifying..
The cycle of idealise, devalue & discard is designed to lower your confidence and cause anxiety so I suspect most people will take longer than 18months to recover.

That's why I asked what your counsellor said about it, mindfulness was just a suggestion as I'm not aware of all the techniques out there, but I suggested it thinking perhaps if you were seeing someone it would help to appreciate the small real moments that are in normal relationships.
There are probably many other different techniques or therapies out there and your counsellor could hopefully point you in the right direction.

BTW i'm in recovery from a narc myself, not ready to date yet and when I am I don't want to recreate the highs from that relationship but i'm left with other difficulties. When i'm ready for therapy I intend to explain to a counsellor etc. what it is I feel and what it is I want to fix and hope that they can then recommend the right thing for me.

Have you been completely open and honest with your counsellor? If they are not making suggestions that you feel will help you then maybe you could try to speak to someone else.

I know there are other forms of therapy such as acceptance and commitment therapy.....which does use mindfulness, I'm not sure if it would be for you, but it's about accepting things while also committing to try to change things, letting go of the feeling of being stuck.

That's what it seems like now, you are acting like you are stuck with this feeling for life, that nothing will compare, that you're broken.

Again I don't know if that therapy would be for you but there are probably loads of different ones, and one (or several) out there will help you.

If I could have him in my life. If I could not lose him. Then I wouldn’t. And until that feeling goes away I agree no one else will live up to him.

But when you repeatedly ask someone why do they hurt you, then you know you have to go.

maybe being with someone quieter, kinder would be better. I just have to try it.

Also I read somewhere that no matter what, even when your in a happy stage you still have the knotted feeling in your stomach/chest. And it might be a relief to not have to feel like that all of the time.