how to date after a narcissist

[helloheatwave]

I have name changed, for no other reason than I haven't been on in a while and forgotten my password! But I have been a regular.

18 months ago I went into total meltdown. My body broke and I could barely put 1 foot in front of another. I was in the throws of adrenal fatigue caused by a relationship with (what I now know) a narcissist (although it took a team of medical staff to get me to see it). It has taken a long, painful 18 months to get to the point I am at now and I can say I am happy. I am also ready to dip a toe into dating......however......how do you do it? Firstly I am wary as I couldn't go through that again- so will be on full alert for red flags. Not a great way to start. Secondly, by the very nature of a narc, everything is extreme- taking away all the negatives (and there were a lot!) the fun was more fun, the laughs were harder, the excitement was higher, the sex was incredible. How do you even start to find someone who can give you that, but who isn't going to also give the bad extremes? If it exist, it would mean the new person could also be a narc, so how do I get 'over' this?
Anyone know what I mean?

@lifebegins50. I am so sorry to hear your story.
I too was abused financially, not physically, but very badly mentally. It is a trauma like no other and I fully get your story. I found MTEvans exceptionally good, however the course itself is very hard and brought out many deep emotions. My counsellor was good to go through many issues raised by it. I found MTE a breath of fresh air-someone who truly understood this, not just the psychobabble online.
@user1481840227 , I am sorry you have been through it too. Yes I have been 100% open with my counsellor. Mindfulness is not something I have found works for me- I am unable to get to a point of relaxation for it to be effective- perhaps in time this will change. I have done the freedom program which is very empowering.
I have found my own path with this and tried everything available. It will take longer than 18 months- by the very fact I am concerned about dating means I am not yet 'there', but certainly at a point I can be on the lookout. I do not fear it will happen again-I have grown too strong and have too much of an understanding about it and myself to let it happen again. Far from being broken User1481840227, I am stronger than I have ever been......what I fear/dread is never having the hit (as discussed above) again and that everything in comparison becomes dull, but not that I am not ready to dip my toe and see where I go with it

What’s MTE

Three years down the line recovering from a twenty year relationship! I was ok but a fortnight ago had to do something for kids which he got off his arse and attended. I was all over the bloody place and spent days waiting for him to message. With him dangling carrots via the children. Then tonight I watched ‘ I am Nicola’ and found myself saying his lines before he did , so fortunately I’m angry again.
I haven’t dated though and don’t think I will. I’m getting on a bit so it seems to matter less now.
Need to stay angry a while longer.

I am the child of an alcoholic and probably one myself. Very addictive personality. HAVE HOPE. I have given up cigarettes, alcohol and a relationship with a narcissist. In all of these situations life seemed grey and boring but in time, the brain adjusts to normality and you will feel pleasure and enjoyment and excitement without this man, I promise. Give yourself time. Keep a journal. Do something nice for yourself, and write down something you did not like about the narc EVERY DAY. Things will improve. I cannot imagine wanting any of those three fixes now- each had me on my knees.

I wouldnt worry about the "highs", after enough time the memory doesnt seem so bright and shiny anymore and I found myself appreciating other things more.
In the years after I finally gave up on the ex she has been truly vile, but I found myself far calmer because it was so so so familiar and predictable. Its when she is nice that I find the adrenaline coming back. Its f**king scary because it is only to get her own way, and if she doesnt get what she wants what follows is apocalyptic.
She has a new source recently, a real trophy, he's a doctor I think so he is being love bombed out of this world and shown off to everyone. He seems like a nice guy and I want to warn him but theres no point, the ex is like a force of nature. Its painful to watch but I thank my lucky stars I finally managed to escape the lies, gas lighting, manipulation etc.

Oh, OP, that sounds so familiar. When I eventually had the courage to leave I believed in my bones I would be single for the rest of my life. I was too broken, too faulty, no-one could love me as completely as he had, so what was the point? It’s such a confusing and embarrassing place to be. But I think you’ve found your tribe here! You’ve been so brave to be so honest about it, I don’t think I could have at the time. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and all the hard work that’s necessary but so bloody difficult when you’re trying to heal. Given that, you’ll already know in your head if not yet your heart, that it’s like a drug and that you’re still detoxing and healing, even though you haven’t had a hit in a while. But you are healing, a little bit every day, I literally had to rebuild myself from the ground up and it does take time so be gentle and kind on yourself.
When I met my current DP the thing that drew me to him was his kindness. The old me would have laughed in my face for being drawn to something so ‘small’ and ‘pedestrian’ but my life is so much richer now, and I’m so much happier than I was then. Rather than missing the highs I look back on that time as an exhausting half life where all of my energy went into keeping him happy and being plagued by self doubt. Keep going, you’re doing all the right things, it’ll get easier I promise.

@Wildwood6, that has hit a chord. I like kindness and don't think there is enough of it in the world. Thank you. I really like that.
@Fizzysours, you really put it in perspective- if someone can get over addictions like drugs, alcohol and nicotine, this is just another biggie, but it can be done.
Thank you all for your support and advice on this. Counselling is great, but sometimes it is reassuring to hear from 'survivors' who understand what I am trying to move on from. Thank you all. xx

God I caved today. Had a total meltdown cried, cried some more. How can I not get over this. How can he have broken me this much.
He connected and I felt great to have him around then I’m just back to sq 1. I know it’s off topic a bit. But I was trying to meet new people and he was out of my life. I’m so bloody angry with myself.

Yes I feel like I’m never going to be able to meet someone if I can’t give up this addiction

Look on Pinterest there are pages about narcissism and moving on.
In the midst of divorcing my own narcissistic hubby, all I can offer is that the massive highs and lows you describe are what I called his daily chaos and drama. I would be able to spot that in someone else in a heartbeat.
Why, after all your hard work would you even be looking that way again?
He has shown you what NOT to expect or need from another human.
Someone who is calm and straightforward could be the person to offer you everything you want.

I really feel for you OP and everyone else going through this. My experience - two on the trot had me also feeling nothing would compare to the 'high' of it all - the sex, the excitement, the charm, the fun (etc.)

I always thought 'oh now I will have to either be single forever or settle for someone boring and staid who is just nice to me.' Amazing how much negativity I placed on the word 'nice'.

But, after a lot of work and time to heal and changing my own patterns..I found that gradually my tastes have changed. I've also found that what I thought was basically excitement was actually nerves and fear - because my inner self knew on some level even during the super charming phase all was not well.

I discovered eventually that it is actually possible to have an exciting relationship - mindblowing sex, fun activities, lots of laughing and enjoying life - but without it being wrapped up in a cloud of drama, fear and anxiety.

Far from things suddenly being 'nice but boring' - it's actually more exciting because I am not as afraid because I can actually be valued for who I am, and because I know myself and feel strong.

But I had to sort out my boundaries first and I had to get over this idea that a healthy relationship = staid, boring, pedestrian.

Sounds like you have come a long way already! for you and everyone else going through this at the moment.

@Watchingthyme don't give up, you'll get there. I really feel for you. I bet you've come so far already, its just so hard to notice when you're feeling broken into a million pieces, and are too exhausted to care. Its so bloody hard! Try not to be too hard on yourself- difficult for people like us, I know; I think its hardwired into us! But you're here, talking to us, so you're definitely on your way xx

Thanks @Wildwood6
Yesterday and today have been very tough.