Mother in law annoyed with me

[lilcreed]

Hi all. My partner and I are 23 and have just bought a home together. We found out the same week buying the house that my parters father is being investigated for taking a photo of a 20 year old woman through her bedroom window and looking at child abuse material online.

My boyfriend and I had always planned to spend Christmas together, but have the family over on Boxing Day. My family were beginning to make plans so I panicked, and text the whole family inviting them over on Boxing Day. I didn’t text my partners Dad and said to my boyfriend that he may ask him verbally. I am a teacher, so whilst this is being investigated I am keeping minimal contact with my partners father.

I am more than happy for his father to visit on Boxing Day, but if he has really done the second thing then I have said to myself that I cannot have someone like that in our home. My mother in law is standing by her husband.

I’m wondering whether to just call the whole thing off as I think she is feeling annoyed that I am asking her to come without him if he has done this. I’m in a sticky situation and I’m feeling guilty for some reason?!

I don’t really know what I’m asking- but if anyone could give me some words of guidance then that would be great! I’m feeling that tensions are building as his family can’t seem to understand why I won’t see the Dad at the moment. I’m also feeling bad on my partner who just wants his family back together.

The only other option would be, if my partners Dad is found guilty, that my partner spends Boxing Day with his family and I spend it with mine. Although I don’t really want to do that as it encourages separate Christmas’ For the future.

You have a other thread on this and Xmas is rhe keast of your worries, if he's guilty he will be in jail. And quite frankly unless there is a court date is unlikely it will be resolved by then.

You feel guilty because your MIL and DH are being asked to choose and they haven't done anything wrong.

However you shouldn't feel guilty as you haven't done anything wrong either and you are right to distance yourself from FIL. Dh can pop over to see them for an hour if MIL doesn't want to come herself.

I assume MIL and DH think he is innocent?

You’ve already asked this? Except you’d decided to deliberately exclude him and invite the rest of the family.

You’ve already caused the issue by avoiding, uninviting and not being honest with them why you feel you’ve had to. You’d be better off asking for professional guidance and stating the issue that way. It’s unlikely that if he’s cleared or innocent that your BF (who must believe him) will forgive the way you’ve treated his family.

I'm sorry but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Teacher or not I wouldn't want someone like that in my home.
I'd also expect my dh to choose between a paedophile and me, no way would I accept it.

MrsGranny - I think that is a bit unfair. Please remember that none of us asked for this.

My mother in law hasn’t asked me why I’m staying away. And I feel awkward to bring it up because this isn’t a topic that many feel comfortable talking about.

I didn’t make it clear in my other thread that he was invited - but I just didn’t text him.

I am a DSL in a school and whilst he has morally done something wrong unless he is going to indulge himself whilst at your house (doubtful) then you would be fine. I would expect a teacher to complete a self report for something like this, to cover themselves in case it comes out in the papers or something.

The police/social services allow a father who abused a pupil sexually to still see her, under some restrictions, that is far worse than an in-law coming round for lunch!

I’m sorry if that came across as harsh. I thought that’s what you’d written on your other thread.

I’d still be asking your mentor/union/school for guidance before deciding to exclude him, especially as you will be causing long term damage to your relationship with your bf family. Honestly, if you believe he’s done these things and there’s sufficient evidence I’d be avoiding him too!

I’d also question my beliefs of my partner who would support someone (despite being a parent) if the proof was there. But the problem is that you reacted without discussion (I think) so you need to explain your concerns and the impact on your career to his family. If he’s innocent trying to handle it fairly will help with a reconciliation in future, but if he’s guilty you’ve still got to consider the longer term impact on you and your bf family.

@mrsGranny thank you for this. I agree that I should have explained my concerns sooner. I hope that MIL will bring this up the next time I see her. He is guilty of the first thing, the police found the photo on his phone.

I feel a mixture of guilt and sadness that I seen to be the only one unwilling to accept this. Being true to myself, teacher or not, I think I will find this difficult. I can just about get past the first thing (but I will never understand it). But the second thing I’m not sure if I could accept, especially if my partner and I have children in future. X

I couldn’t get passed it - I’d really struggle to marry into it either especially if my partner maintained contact. Sending photos of children to MIL would always worry me...

BUT I’ve never had to personally deal with it except for an acquaintance who I cut contact once it was established (conviction 400 images of under 2’s).

I think you need to be honest with your dp and tell him that unless it is proven that fil is innocent of all charges then you don't want to see him or have him in your home.
It's natural for dp and mil to believe in his innocence - they feel they know him and because they love him, are invested in believing that he hasn't done this. You, otoh don't have those bonds or that trust and are under no obligation to either believe him or spend time with him while he is under investigation. There is potential for conflict with your dp if he sees your choice as unsupportive. But these are such horrible crimes I think you have a right to put distance between you and someone charged.

Consider what you will do if he is convicted. And also if he is acquitted, how will you feel about him having access to your own children in future. I wouldn't allow it at all because I would feel there is doubt about him, which may be unfair if he is truly innocent but I would always want to be on the safe side. This may cause issues with your dp if he doesn't agree.

This situation is awful for you because it will never really end. You have a lot to discuss with your dp before you get in too deep.

I also think your poor dp has some awful choices to make, but it would not be fair for him to expect his partner to accept someone into their home and family who has done such a despicable thing.
He might need some counselling to help him direct the anger where it really belongs and not to deflect it into you if you choose to cut ties with fil. While dp and mil have a right to continue their relationships with fil, they have no right to force you to.

Thanks all. It’s such a horrible situation because my partner is perfect and I know he is the one for me. He brings out the best in me and is my best friend. We were just starting our lives together and we’ve saved so hard for our home. We have difficult times ahead.

Thank you for your guidance @Aderyn19. Can I ask - what would you do in my position?

I can’t end the relationship because of his family, yet you’re right that this problem will probably never go away and I am always going to feel some doubt.

He's being investigated. Your partner and his mum's attitude might wrk change if he's convicted. At the moment they will be trying to come to terms with the allegations, and of course, will not want them to be true.

I don't think that your teacher status is at risk here, at this point (I'm a recently retired teacher and it's not something I've heard of being an issue). Are you sure you're not using that as an excuse? It would be understandable of course.

Give your partner and his mum a bit longer to get their heads round this. When they hear evidence in court, the scales might fall from their eyes.

@saraclara perhaps I am using this as an excuse as I feel that it might hurt them less.

Although my partners cousin works in a nursery and she was pulled in by her boss as one of the local Dads told the nursery.

Whatever you do now will set the pattern for the rest of your lives together.

If you welcome or just allow your FIL into your home on Boxing Day (whether by direct invitation or just allowing the family to assume that he's not not invited ) this will be how it will be for ever more. You'll have set a precedent that's impossible to return from.
Well you let FIL come last year, why not this year?
Well you invited FIL when you didn't have children, why not now you have children?

If you choose to protect yourself, your job and/or any future dcs from a paedophile then you have to make a stand now as difficult, awkward and emotional this may be.

You are lucky that your job as a teacher allows you to have a very justifiable reason to have no contact with him. I would address the whole can of worms straight on and be very very direct so there can be absolutely no wiggle room and then be prepared to take the flack and anger. Decide exactly where your boundaries are. Can MIL still come to your house? Will you go to their house? Would you be prepared to meet them outside your home? Will you attend joint family events if he's there? Is email or phone contact ok with FIL? If you have dcs will you allow them any supervised contact?

Send an email.
Dear MIL and FIL
In light of FIL's arrest and the serious nature of the crimes that he has been arrested for, I will no longer have any direct contact with him for both professional and my own personal reasons. Of course this means that FIL is not invited to our house either on Boxing Day or at any other time. I realise that my decision will cause disappointment to the family and I will be very happy still to see MIL/SIL/BIL if they would like to visit us.
with love from Lilcreed

If this was me, I would not want to see fil at all, ever. It is already known without doubt that he is guilty of the first crime and that would be enough for me to know that I couldn't have him in my home and be warm and friendly and accepting of him. As kindly as possible, I would tell my dp that contact with fil is a line in the sand I would not cross. However your line in the sand might be different and you might prefer to wait and see how the second case pans out and draw your line there.

I would support dp in continuing contact with his father if that was his choice, since it is much harder to leave a parent that you love (and who may have been a caring parent) than to leave a fil who you don't have attachment to.
I wouldn't say anything to dp just yet about future children but I would be clear in my own mind that none mine would ever be in contact with fil. But this is a conversation I would have a bit further down the line when the dust has settled and dp has had time to adjust to his new reality. You might find that your dp will be more accepting of this if his father is convicted, since it will be difficult to argue that his dad is a safe or appropriate person for them to be around. But leave this for now since it isn't an immediate problem for you.

After that, the choices are really your dp's. Encourage him to get professional support. Your mil could do with some too, but that would be better coming from your dp. Be kind and patient because his emotions will be all over the place, but at the same time don't let him push you into burying this and pretending it isn't real. You must remember that you have a right to to do anything which makes you uncomfortable.
I really am very sorry for you both.

Op, get your husband to speak to his mum. Your father in law is a suspected paedophile and under investestigation. Explain that although you're both sure it's not true, you will lose your job if there is social contact before the investigation is closed.

They should accept that.

If he is found guilty and they don't raid your home without proof for this sort of offense, then he will serve time in prison. And not be permitted unsupervised contact with any children.

Just get your husband to explain to his mother what I said above, that it's your job that's the issue. Then take it from there as it progresses.

Your mother in law is acting in her best interests. She needs this not to be true, so she needs everyone to carry on as normal.

I think there’s more to worry about here than Christmas.

If you have kids together they will never be able to be around him and if your mil stays with him you can’t trust her not to have the disgusting pervert around your kids.

I agree that your job gives you a good way of breaking contact. Even if it's stretching the truth a little, you can say that it risks your career. And in truth, it might do. Even if there's no specific 'rule', no school wants their staff to be associating with people like your fil.

Your Fil is being investigated for online child abuse and your worried about Christmas .
Good chance he's probably in prison by then ( if guilty) so I'd cross that bridge another time . Tbh if it was me I'd cut all contact until investigation over .

This might be interesting for you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3657191-If-you-found-out-your-partners-father-is-a-Paedophile-would-you-end-relationship