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Original poster

DS's girlfriend radio silence...DS very upset...advice please!

42 replies

TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 00:29

My 20yo DS is home from university. He goes into his final year next month. He's doing really well and has a positive approach to his studies. He's got friends, a good social life and a girlfriend. The girlfriend is an international student so they don't get to spend lots of time together during the holidays although he has been over to her and she's due here in a couple of weeks. They're going away to a festival during their time together here. The problem is that she's been distant with him for the past few weeks... limited contact and now she says that she's not sure that she wants to be a couple. BIG problem is that they've signed up to share together next year and he's currently distraught. It's like consoling a child 😢. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but just some practical advice or experience of what to say/do?!? Thank you can't sleep 🙁

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 05/08/2019 00:37

I would galvanise him into arranging alternative accommodation immediately and retract the invitation to come to your home.

He may fight this but explain to him that she's making it clear where she stands....that she's not interested any longer. Of course it's hurtful but he must protect himself from further pain.

Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 00:43

Thanks Henney my thoughts exactly. She's saying that she still loves him and STILL wants to share but I've got reservations. He said tonight 'do you think we'll be okay once we can see each other face to face?' but I couldn't honestly say yes. Poor DS I just feel so sad for him. He's a kind, sensitive soul and it breaks my heart to see him so upset 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 00:45

Oops Henny...sorry!

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 05/08/2019 02:26

She's saying she still wants to share for convenience. Then she'll bust his heart by having new boyfriends around.

This is worst case scenario obviously but he needs to avoid the situation at all.

SwordofGryffindor · 05/08/2019 02:37

Hes 20 and can sort out his own problems surely OP..???

rosedream · 05/08/2019 02:43

Is it just the two of them sharing or are their others in the flat ?

He really needs to find alternative accommodation if possible.

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 02:44

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FuriousVexation · 05/08/2019 06:06

she's not sure that she wants to be a couple

By which she means "I don't want to be in a couple (with you) but as a woman I feel I have to make this more wishy washy"

Has your ds signed any form of tenancy agreement?

Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 06:18

I would support him to look at practicalities, their relationship is their business, and no one can predict the future however painful that is.
Get the housing situation sorted out, point out to him that it might be better anyway not to live as a couple during their third year, even if they stay in a relationship.
And I agree with pp, she thinks she’s letting him down gently.

Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 06:20

Oh, and my profound sympathies, watching your DC experience heartbreak is excruciating. 💐

Enclume · 05/08/2019 06:28

He should be focusing on his studies anyway and I am sure he will come to see this as a huge blessing in disguise. Poor kid. He'll bounce back.

LadyWithLapdog · 05/08/2019 06:28

Sorry OP, no practical advice to offer. You still feel sorry for your kids even when they’re technically adults.

NerrSnerr · 05/08/2019 06:33

The people I know who lived in shared houses with exes at university all regretted it. I agree that he should look for alternative accommodation and he should find a friend to go to the festival with him.

I really feel for him, my first boyfriend was an international student and he dumped me in the summer. I was gutted but things improved when I went back and saw my friends.

Vanillelle · 05/08/2019 06:34

Poor soul.

I agree they need to find alternative accommodation. Even if they stay together, there will be much less pressure if they live apart (and much less misery if they break up).

Long distance is hard, especially as a student when your summers are supposed to be amazing experiences. It may all be fine when they meet face to face. But I think he need to take practical steps to protect himself in the even that it doesn't work out for them.

Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 08:34

Thank you everyone for your time and support. I did manage to fall asleep eventually! Yes I think that he needs find alternative accommodation and I only wish that she'd been honest sooner. For those who've said that it's difficult watching your children go through this...you're so right...oh my! Adult or not as a loving parent of a usually independent DS it breaks my heart. I'm not sure how best to help him sort alternative accommodation at this late stage?! He does need support as he's gutted! She also arranged the tenancy. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Xx

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 05/08/2019 10:08

I think it's a bit heartless for those saying he is old enough to sort himself out and don't seem to have any empathy.
A heartbreak at that age is horrible and I feel for him. It will definitely be better if they don't share. I remember my first love breaking up with me and I sobbed my heart out to my mum. Sometimes you do just need your mum

larrygrylls · 05/08/2019 10:09

Horrible situation.

Has he signed anything yet about the tenancy? If not I would find something else ASAP for him and he should tell her to find a replacement.

He does not need to see her in the holidays so he should not. If they share, it will likely ruin his academic studies next year.

But, always remember, he is an adult and, although you can help and advise him, ultimately it is his life as an adult.

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 10:11

My friends son had exactly this situation. Both parties moved into a shared house together. He was still wanting to be with her but she didn't. She said all the right things to keep him dangling but without a relationship between them.
As he was a bit low in mood the other housemates gravitated towards her and left him alone.
She started bringing guys home and partying in her room, and subtly didn't include him.
He was heartbroken. And stuck in the houseshare. It was a very miserable year for him. And as she was constantly there and had gained the upper hand he found it hard to move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2019 10:11

I would tell him that actions speak louder than words, and her actions make it clear she is messing him about. Of course he's sad, but he needs to be realistic and look after his own best interests, because she's certainly not.

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 10:11

My friends son had exactly this situation. Both parties moved into a shared house together. He was still wanting to be with her but she didn't. She said all the right things to keep him dangling but without a relationship between them.
As he was a bit low in mood the other housemates gravitated towards her and left him alone.
She started bringing guys home and partying in her room, and subtly didn't include him.
He was heartbroken. And stuck in the houseshare. It was a very miserable year for him. And as she was constantly there and had gained the upper hand he found it hard to move on.

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 10:12

My friends son had exactly this situation. Both parties moved into a shared house together. He was still wanting to be with her but she didn't. She said all the right things to keep him dangling but without a relationship between them.
As he was a bit low in mood the other housemates gravitated towards her and left him alone.
She started bringing guys home and partying in her room, and subtly didn't include him.
He was heartbroken. And stuck in the houseshare. It was a very miserable year for him. And as she was constantly there and had gained the upper hand he found it hard to move on.

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 10:12

My friends son had exactly this situation. Both parties moved into a shared house together. He was still wanting to be with her but she didn't. She said all the right things to keep him dangling but without a relationship between them.
As he was a bit low in mood the other housemates gravitated towards her and left him alone.
She started bringing guys home and partying in her room, and subtly didn't include him.
He was heartbroken. And stuck in the houseshare. It was a very miserable year for him. And as she was constantly there and had gained the upper hand he found it hard to move on.

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 10:13

My friends son had exactly this situation. Both parties moved into a shared house together. He was still wanting to be with her but she didn't. She said all the right things to keep him dangling but without a relationship between them.
As he was a bit low in mood the other housemates gravitated towards her and left him alone.
She started bringing guys home and partying in her room, and subtly didn't include him.
He was heartbroken. And stuck in the houseshare. It was a very miserable year for him. And as she was constantly there and had gained the upper hand he found it hard to move on.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 10:13

That's a difficult situation. To those saying he needs to sort it out himself do you have no empathy? Wouldn't you all support friends or family who find themselves in difficult emotional situations?

I would think he needs to find alternative accommodation. If he can bear it it may be better to wait until the start of terms. Often things are in a bit of flux at that point and he may find a space is available with other friends. If he has a big social group he may want to put out feelers to see if anyone can help.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 10:13

That's a difficult situation. To those saying he needs to sort it out himself do you have no empathy? Wouldn't you all support friends or family who find themselves in difficult emotional situations?

I would think he needs to find alternative accommodation. If he can bear it it may be better to wait until the start of terms. Often things are in a bit of flux at that point and he may find a space is available with other friends. If he has a big social group he may want to put out feelers to see if anyone can help.

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