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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS's girlfriend radio silence...DS very upset...advice please!

42 replies

TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 00:29

My 20yo DS is home from university. He goes into his final year next month. He's doing really well and has a positive approach to his studies. He's got friends, a good social life and a girlfriend. The girlfriend is an international student so they don't get to spend lots of time together during the holidays although he has been over to her and she's due here in a couple of weeks. They're going away to a festival during their time together here. The problem is that she's been distant with him for the past few weeks... limited contact and now she says that she's not sure that she wants to be a couple. BIG problem is that they've signed up to share together next year and he's currently distraught. It's like consoling a child 😢. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but just some practical advice or experience of what to say/do?!? Thank you can't sleep 🙁

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 05/08/2019 10:14

Only on MN are you not meant to give a f**k about your children the day they reach 18 🙄 I've never known anything like it.

What a shame - it would be best all round if he found somewhere else to live and cancelled her coming to yours. How does he feel about that - can he see the sense? I don't suppose you really feel like hosting her now anyway do you? Yes these things do happen but he's 20 and it's probably his first real relationship so I can see why he's heartbroken.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 10:17

That's a difficult situation. To those saying he needs to sort it out himself do you have no empathy? Wouldn't you all support friends or family who find themselves in difficult emotional situations?

I would think he needs to find alternative accommodation. If he can bear it it may be better to wait until the start of terms. Often things are in a bit of flux at that point and he may find a space is available with other friends. If he has a big social group he may want to put out feelers to see if anyone can help.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 10:17

That's a difficult situation. To those saying he needs to sort it out himself do you have no empathy? Wouldn't you all support friends or family who find themselves in difficult emotional situations?

I would think he needs to find alternative accommodation. If he can bear it it may be better to wait until the start of terms. Often things are in a bit of flux at that point and he may find a space is available with other friends. If he has a big social group he may want to put out feelers to see if anyone can help.

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 10:18

Sorry did not mean to post twice.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 05/08/2019 10:19

It will be a miserable final year for him if they share as exes (& could impact his final degree classification if he struggles because of this situation).

Can he see if any of his other friends have any vacancies in their house shares? Or go into uni accommodation (mine has final year & post-grad accommodation available)? He needs to start looking now & get things sorted for himself sooner rather than later.

So sorry he's going through this. It is shit for him.

redcaryellowcar · 05/08/2019 10:21

I agree that accommodation sorting sounds like a plan, I think some universities look for last year students to live in halls with first years as sort of guides, don't think it's particularly onerous, but might be cheaper accommodation and maybe available at later stage. Or just contact accommodation office at university and explain that accommodation plan A had fallen through, and do they have any spaces in halls, if that's what he wants? Whilst this feels totally rubbish now, you might find this works out completely for the best, girlfriends like this are rubbish and better he knows now than whilst trying to sit his finals. We done for being a lovely mum.

redcaryellowcar · 05/08/2019 10:22

I agree that accommodation sorting sounds like a plan, I think some universities look for last year students to live in halls with first years as sort of guides, don't think it's particularly onerous, but might be cheaper accommodation and maybe available at later stage. Or just contact accommodation office at university and explain that accommodation plan A had fallen through, and do they have any spaces in halls, if that's what he wants? Whilst this feels totally rubbish now, you might find this works out completely for the best, girlfriends like this are rubbish and better he knows now than whilst trying to sit his finals. We done for being a lovely mum.

Supersimpkin · 05/08/2019 10:23

He should count himself lucky he got out - her idea is highly insensitive - and get somewhere decent to live instead.

Poor guy. But get on with it.

OMGshefoundmeout · 05/08/2019 10:28

It’s hard to watch your DC hurting however old they are.

I think you should do what you can to help him find alternative accommodation, it would be very difficult to live with her and just be friends. Much better to have a clean break.

I would also encourage him to either sell his festival ticket or get a friend to buy hers so he doesn’t have to go with her.

But it’s all so tricky -they are young, they could be back together in 3 weeks and you don’t want to be seen as the bad guy in all this.

Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:30

Thank you everyone for your guidance. Yes he is an adult, I understand that, but when you're in the depths of despair you don't always think logically and that's when family should be a valuable source of support. Lots to think about... he's academically able and I would hate for this to impede his final year😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:30

Thank you everyone for your guidance. Yes he is an adult, I understand that, but when you're in the depths of despair you don't always think logically and that's when family should be a valuable source of support. Lots to think about... he's academically able and I would hate for this to impede his final year😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:31

Thank you everyone for your guidance. Yes he is an adult, I understand that, but when you're in the depths of despair you don't always think logically and that's when family should be a valuable source of support. Lots to think about... he's academically able and I would hate for this to impede his final year😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:31

Thank you everyone for your guidance. Yes he is an adult, I understand that, but when you're in the depths of despair you don't always think logically and that's when family should be a valuable source of support. Lots to think about... he's academically able and I would hate for this to impede his final year😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:31

Thank you everyone for your guidance. Yes he is an adult, I understand that, but when you're in the depths of despair you don't always think logically and that's when family should be a valuable source of support. Lots to think about... he's academically able and I would hate for this to impede his final year😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueensCousin · 05/08/2019 10:34

Oops something going on with duplicate posts... it kept saying that it failed to post! Can I report this issue MNHQ?

OP posts:
whitebowls · 05/08/2019 13:11

Multiple duplicate posts from me too.
Kept saying unable to post which obviously wasn't the case.
Sorry.

Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 14:17

Just a vague glimmer of comfort for the future. I had my heart broken at uni, and because it’s a time of great change and forward movement you can go onward, jobs, more study, new places. Later in life and it’s more difficult to extricate yourself.

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