To reply to ex

[Feedmeicecream]

Would you reply to an ex boyfriend if they messaged you 8 months on from breaking up with them? I have received a text last week, but I’m not sure whether I should respond. It is just a standard ‘how are things?’ type message but also asks if I have an item of theirs (which they could have easily replaced themselves after all this time).

Background: Seemed too good to be true kinda guy, we had a great connection. With them for almost a year. Broke up with them after ignoring red flags and not putting my needs first. In hindsight I think it is possible some of the behaviour they showed was possibly down to them being a covert narcissist. They had some mental health issues too that caused big issues in the relationship and wore me down.

My issue in ignoring their message, is that i am still quite angry about the bad treatment I received and lack of acknowledgment on their part for their crappy behaviour, that they are in my thoughts every day and I struggle to let go of the pain caused. I have constant arguments with them in my head. I wonder if I reply to their message, it will help with healing and letting go of the past. I know it was the right thing to end it, I don’t want any part of them in my life but my feelings of anger are so strong. I know they moved on very fast with another new relationship, which showed me their true colours and validated my decision of ending things. I just can’t stop thinking that I should reply, as I have always said ‘kill them with kindness’ and not be bitter/angry person, so feel I am ignoring my own standards. But I am so angry of their minimising of their part in the relationship that I just can’t let it go. Is this normal after all this time? WWYD?

Don’t reply. He’s trying to hook you back in to play mind games with you and then dump you as you’ve offended his pride.
You will never get through to a narcissist.
By all means write a reply but burn it, don’t send it.

You would be a fool to get another dialogue going

Don't sabotage yourself

If you're suspecting that he is a narcissist personally I wouldn't. What do you have to gain from it? It sounds like a hoover to get you hooked again. If you're still thinking about it every day that would suggest you're not fully healed yet and could be at risk of getting dragged back in. One of the main rules of dealing with narcissists is to go no contact where possible.

He wants to loop you back in. The same thing happened to me. Don’t engage. You will not get what you want. You will not get an apology and a ride off into the sunset with a white knight. You’ll get the same old shit over and over again. I’d put a bet on him breaking up with his most recent source of supply and wanting attention, and that’s why he got in touch. Take comfort in the fact that you’ve had a lucky escape, you only wasted a year, and you can go on to better things. I wasted 3 and there are women who waste their whole lives on men like this.

How do you think replying to him will help you achieve closure? He could be messaging you to see if he’s still in with a chance and wondering if you still think about him, so this might only mess with your head. Do you really expect him to understand why you are still so angry with him and that he will realise now that he was minimising his behaviour when he didn’t before? I’m sorry you still feel like this, but I don’t think talking to him again will help.

I work on the basis that if a guy treats me badly then they have no right to know how I feel about them any more. I think that you finishing with him should be enough and you should just leave it at that. Unfortunately some people treat others badly in relationships and it can take time to get over it - but you will get there OP.

No I wouldn't, you'll be put in an awkward position before you know it.
It can be difficult to recognise someone's bad for us and actually break up, good on you!
You not replying is no reflection on your standards, there's no reason to engage. It'll end up badly, you'll no doubt have to go through the break up chat again for him to get the hint. Save yourself the grief.

it won’t bring you closure. He’s not going to say ‘oh I’m so sorry I realise I really hurt you please forgive me blah blah blah’. If you rant at him you’ll be giving him the satisfaction that he is still very much in your thoughts and he’ll enjoy the power he still has over you.
Ignore him and block his number!

Unfortunately with break ups you need to make your own closure. You won’t get any from them.

Do not engage.

If he is narcisstist or just a twat then ignoring him will have a bigger impact.

There is no closure with a narcisstic person and the relationship ending is way more painful than a normal relationship. However are there any lessons you can learn from this? I was way too trusting and didn't listen to my instincts..painful way to learn but a valuable lesson.

I don’t want any part of them in my life

There you go. Be strong.

If you fell in a hole filled with poop and struggled hard to get out, would you ever go over and have a look down that hole again? NO you would never ever go near it.

He is a hole of pooh and you dont need that.

He sent you a text. He hasn't sent an apology with flowers or made any effort beyond a text probably send to 20 other women in his phone at the same time.

You are angry at yourself, he is irrelevant. You need to forgive yourself, and let it go.

Absolutely do not reply. Especially because you think he could be a narcissist. This is what they do. Narcissistic hoovering, stupid reasons for contact to try to hoover you back in. Ignore him.

Don’t do it. Don’t even reply. There is no point.

So his sex life is on go-slow and he sees the opportunity for a nostalgia bonk. Why would you..?

You won’t get the closure you want by speaking to him. We can all pretty much guarantee that. Avoid, block, do your best to stop churning it over in your head.

I'd block his number and get on with life.

You can choose to reply but know that in doing so you've just decreased your own value and self worth and risked losing all the self esteem you built by not having contact with him.

Thinking about an ex on a daily basis doesn't mean there is anything left between you - it means you haven't given yourself enough time to move on. Rethinking the time you had together means that your heart deeply wishes it was different to the truth of what happened. The truth is he's most likely an arse and you're miles better off without him.

Nope, don't reply to him. Block his number and forget all about it. Stay strong.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I needed to hear a lot of what you have all said. Started reading about hoovering and baiting and totally get now what this is about. It now makes no sense whatsoever to reply to him, thank you for removing the wool from my eyes. I will remain strong to myself and block and keep no contact as it will help me move on much more than replying ever would.

Result!

Well done OP - good decision! Understanding why these things affect us so much and learning how to deal with it really helps.

I hope you find someone who will treat you a lot better than he did.

Well done op. I recently blocked an ex and it has made me feel so in control and empowered. Previously l have always wanted to keep things open - just in case ' but that really does prevent closure. I have found that you need to find your own closure because most of the time you're not going to get it from an ex.

Just ignore.

Well done OP! You're doing the right thing. You'd only massively regret it if you were to message him back. We've all been there. Stay strong

He's probably a bit bored.

Fancies a bit of game playing. Ego boosting.

You did it before. Why not again?

Except you're so much the wiser now.

Ignore and block.