DP never answers phone

[whatever123noname]

This isn't new, we've been going out for a year, just moved in. He's terrible with his phone. Never answers if I call, he'll call back 15 mins later. If he's away with work he can take a whole day to answer a text. No trust issues, I've seen him do it to everyone else too. I need help with sth right now and, as always, he couldn't pick up the phone. Called me back 15mins later. I'm not speaking to him now, I texted him and told him why. He doesn't think it's a big deal, I find it so unbelievably frustrating. It's just this feeling that if I ever have an emergency, I know I can't call him. I don't know what to do. He's great in all other areas. This is the only issue.

If he's always been like that you may have to accept it. What's 'sth' ?

Sorry, sth is short for something. I was sitting here crying, dealing with a crisis. I just really needed to speak to someone for 2 mins. I'm obviously a grown woman and can deal with issues just fine. It would have been nice to be able to speak to someone. But no, he was busy. Fine. But he's always busy! Always!!!

my question is - would this be a deal breaker for others?

DP and I have a code for emergencies.

If I call and don't leave a voicemail it's nothing major and not to worry. Same if he calls and I don't answer.

If there's a voicemail it's a genuine emergency (thankfully only once in 8 years had to do this).

Would something like this work? I'm shit at answering my phone, I hate being available to everyone at all times. But I'd never ignore an emergency.

It depends if he's doing something when the phone rings. I don't pick up if I'm eating, cooking, just started the washing up, that kind of thing. I don't get out of the shower to answer the phone.

You say you've seen him do it to others - is this when he's doing something or just sat on the sofa? For example I'd always pick up if I was watching a film, reading a book, doing a puzzle.

I hardly ever answer the phone at work, because I’m busy, in meetings or working on something. I check voicemail & texts every hour or so and would ring back. I also don’t answer the phone when driving (distraction).

I would find someone who expects an immediate response quite difficult. In a real major emergency - sick child etc - people know to ring the switchboard and they’ll let me know straight away.

He’s not your employee, indentured servant or on call counsellor. And as you say, he does call back.

My phone has never once since I opened the packet been off silent. My DW is the same. My wife and I WhatsApp each other throughout the day but if either of us is too busy to be looking at a phone screen the other one just needs to be patient.

Expecting someone to be at your beck and call is serious PITA stuff and not reasonable.

I think answering the phone within 15 mins is pretty good tbh all things considered. You could be doing any number of things that doesn't make it possible to answer. I'm not sure about taking all day to answer a text though as how long does it take to answer a text. It really does depend on the situation though and the problem with mum's net is you are really only getting a snap shot of the situation. I think you have to have a talk and set out what you require of him. We're these emergencies and what do you class as an emergency?

No. Wound be a deal breaker for me.
Presumably until a year ago you were able to deal with life on your own. And/or used other people for support.
And in the case of actual emergency you call people who can actually help - police, ambulance, etc.

I also hate answering the phone, btw. Mine is always on mute.
I only answer immediately when my kid’s school calls. In case there is an actual emergency.
Otherwise - I hope people leave a message, or text.
And my friends know that’s how I am and will text if it’s urgent.
What I am saying is that people have different ways of dealing with phones. The constant connectedness is pervasive and isn’t easy to deal with for some people. I am an introvert and it’s easier for me to take time to reply.

He is a grown man. You started dating him and moved in with him knowing he is this way. He didn’t. Suddenly turn on you.
It’s unfair to punish him for being himself at this juncture. And it’s childish to not speak. Excuse of that.
He called you back in 15min when you had whatever crisis you wanted to talk about.
If someone not spoken to me after that - i’d think of them as spoiled and needy. And if that continued - i’d be off.

DH is like this - rubbish at answering his phone and replying promptly to messages. We're all different of course, but it's definitely not a deal breaker for me. The massive plus side is that he isn't glued to his phone when he's with me - I read lots of threads on here by women feeling ignored by their partner because he spends too much time on his phone. I will admit that it's sometimes frustrating when I can't get hold of him and it's important.

But he's always doing something! This isn't about him not amswering his phone right now. He never answers his phone. It can take 15 minutes or 2 DAYS for him to get back to me. Fine, I get he's not at my beck and call. Guess I need to lower my standards and grovel back now.

Today for example, I made a cake (wouldn’t answer phone when beating mixture or icing).
Then I spent a few hours weeding/pruning, and phone was inside house. And then I did an hour’s karate - phone in boot of car.
So for 5 hours out is 10, I was not answering. Isn’t that normal?

@Mintjulia ok, let's say you're done with your cake and then look at your phone and see 2 missed calls from DH. Do you call back or leave it until Monday night? Or Tuesday? That's what he does sometimes. With other people I know they'll call me back in a few hours if I text or call twice. Him, I never know. The only explanation is sorry, was busy.

“But he's always doing something!“

So what?

Everyone thinks I'm wrong so I'll calm down and accept that.

One of the worst things you can do to people there days is to phone them. There is very little need to speak on the phone anymore and for a lot of people it is a pain in the ass.

I often miss calls and voicemails because my front screen fills up with other stuff and partly because I don’t want them.

People know they can most quickly get me on WhatsApp.

@whatever123noname

Yes. He is like that - he takes a while to answer his calls. So?
And you can be described as a woman who is unreasonably needy when it comes with phone call returns.
Both of you aren’t perfect.
You have been in a relationship that lasted a year.
If the call answering situation is a dealbreaker - you can just move on.
What you can’t do is silk and be (passive) aggressive about it.

This has nothing to do with lowering anyone’s standards. This has everything to do with respecting the other person and recognising that they are different from you, and it’s their right to be.
You don’t have to be with him if you can’t live with his phone habits.

‘sulk’

I wasn't being passive aggressive , I texted him and explained and then said i need some time to handle what i'm doing and stopped texting.That's it. Then i came to MN. I didn't hoce him the silent treatment or sulk.

@StreetwiseHercules I can't get him quickly on whatsapp. I can't get him quickly on anything and I actually very rarely call for the same reasons as you.
I guess everyone is right and I'm the problem. But I don't think i can live with it. I just don't. It was easier on my own. I knew I didn't have anyone to turn to and that was the end of it.

I do this all the time. I hate phone calls. That said, because I so rarely make them DP does pick up if I do call him because he knows I don't usually! We WhatsApp back and forth around whatever else it is we are doing during the day. I would be pissed off with him if he was funny about my response time tbh.

I’d call back when I saw the message. I usually manage to get back to someone within a couple of hours. I think I’m pretty good.

I had a ludicrous situation with dsis. I had a bad night, finally got to sleep at 6am, dsis rang four times that morning while I was asleep and then rang my next nearest family member saying I was missing.

I got woken up by 2nd sis who’d driven 15 miles and was yelling through the letter box.

Whilst I don’t think you’re totally unreasonable to want him to answer, and I totally get why it’s annoying, it’s a very modern and first world problem. Society as a whole has managed without mobile phones for many hundreds of years and it’s only in the last 20 that they have become used by pretty much everyone (in the West at least), but such has been their surge of growth that we are conditioned to now expect instant responses to calls and texts. So sometimes we need a little perspective on it. The mobile phone is a modern gadget which is there to offer us faster and more efficient communication, but that doesn’t decree that every single person must adhere to that protocol.

Due to the nature of my job I can’t always answer my phone during the daytime. But my nearest and dearest have my office number and if it’s really urgent I know they’ll ring through on it instead

In contact with ex wife.
My DP have been together 18 months we don't live with each other. He was in a very abusive relationship with his wife. She was very controlling he wasn't allowed Facebook, she checked all of his emails etc.
He has been separated from her for over three years but she was phoning him constantly. One night she had text him 140 times. Most of the messages make little sense but are very abusive.
One night he text me when it was meant for her and he was answered "I don't know where she is" meaning his daughter who lives with him.
I was cross and said I'd had enough of her phoning and texting and I couldn't understand why he was still in contact with her if she was being so nasty. He asked if I was jealous and assured him that in no way was I jealous of her behaviour but I couldn't understand why he was in touch if she was so abusive.
Recently she has bought him out of the house and he had blocked her number.
He had said I suppose I could unblock her but I didn't say anything.
He must have unblocked her as the texts and phone calls are coming in again. I really don't understand why this is happening. I know he's not seeing her and that he wants to be with me but as I was upset about this before you think he would understand this.

Sorry posted here by mistake and can't delete!