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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP never answers phone

45 replies

whatever123noname · 04/08/2019 18:25

This isn't new, we've been going out for a year, just moved in. He's terrible with his phone. Never answers if I call, he'll call back 15 mins later. If he's away with work he can take a whole day to answer a text. No trust issues, I've seen him do it to everyone else too. I need help with sth right now and, as always, he couldn't pick up the phone. Called me back 15mins later. I'm not speaking to him now, I texted him and told him why. He doesn't think it's a big deal, I find it so unbelievably frustrating. It's just this feeling that if I ever have an emergency, I know I can't call him. I don't know what to do. He's great in all other areas. This is the only issue.

OP posts:

Teacakeandalatte · 04/08/2019 19:16

I think it's ok if you want to be able to contact him quickly if something important comes up as long as you don't pester him when it's not important and you just want a chat or whatever. Sometimes you can set up a number that always goes to ringtone even if the rest of the phone is on silent does his phone do that? He might agree if you promise it's only for really important calls.

Original poster

whatever123noname · 04/08/2019 19:16

Erm I have never sent 140 messages. Not even 14. If he doesn't respond, I leave it. I just get frustrated when it's important. Everyone's really taking this way too far. I thought it was normal to pick up the phone or reply to messages in less than a day on a regular basis, I've never had this problem before.

OP posts:

HalyardHitch · 04/08/2019 19:17

You know what op, my dh is like this. It drives me nuts. He doesn't answer calls or texts from me - or rarely rarely does. It's annoying as he does occasionally text others (although he's very hit and miss). A quick call to tell him I'll be home for dinner - doesn't happen.

It's annoying, especially since he used to make the effort to text. However, he is who he is. I now get frustrated but dont let it impact my self esteem because it's just not about that

justasking111 · 04/08/2019 19:19

OH rarely answers his phone because he leaves it at home, in the car, I do not use mine much so it can be anywhere in the house. He knows if I do try to get hold of him it is important so answers if he has it on him. If I was to start phoning texting him all the time he would get fed up. He says at work I am constantly being asked things, having to deal with clients I dont want that in my private life. He knows if I am driving I will not answer the phone as well, even hands free it is a distraction.

SeagullAteMyChihuahua · 04/08/2019 19:28

My dp rarely answers his phone either

But if I sent a message saying it was urgent, he would immediately call me. Can you set something like that up? So when it's urgent you message and he calls you?

Dp also turns his off a fair bit - I'm just used to it now. As others have said, this is a very modern day problem!

Original poster

whatever123noname · 04/08/2019 19:49

@HalyardHitch thanks for understanding. He's honestly the only person I know like that, seems I just need to re-adjust my expectations and will drop it

OP posts:

Chew2 · 04/08/2019 20:32

My fone is constantly muted as it annoys me when it pings with every notification, so i often miss calls. I do call them back when I can be bothered but I do prefer to msg most people. Most people who know me, know that I prefer a msg over a phone call. I also think its quite rude to take phone calls in many places. Think on the bus where everyone would be able to hear the conversation. My dh is the only person who rings me alot as he has said he does like to speak to me every so often. I personally couldn't be bothered with someone who was upset if I missed their calls most of the time and I'm not bothered when people don't answer even if its days later they may reply. I often think they could be busy and forget to ring back because I do quite often.

SignedUpJust4This · 04/08/2019 20:41

I never answer my phone OP. Just because I own a mobile doesn't mean I have to talk to people whenever they want to insert themselves into my life. I finish what I'm doing and call back when it suits me. If they don't answer, I assume they can't or don't want to talk right now and wait for them to call back. If my DH phones repeatedly I know it's urgent. Don't know how old you are but in yon olden days when we only had landlines you weren't constantly available to everyone and we survived.

JK1773 · 04/08/2019 20:42

OP my DM is like this. I don’t know why she even bothers having a phone. She’s been known to send a text to which I have immediately phoned her and she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t answer texts very often. It’s absolutely infuriating. I feel your pain. There’s not a lot you can do about it though. It’s not really worth falling out over. It’s just annoying

NewMe2019 · 04/08/2019 21:22

You would actually consider not able to contact someone instantly a deal breaker??

That's ridiculous. I hate this culture of people being glued to phones and contactable 24/7. My DCs are starting to panic because they have missed someone's call or message, I remind them it's when it is convenient for them to answer or call back, that's fine.

I put mine on silent at night and vibrate most of the day. I'll reply to people when I can, not when they interrupt what I'm doing. I find people who will answer their phone at all times rude tbh and it grates, especially if you are with them and it's clearly just a chat, nothing urgent

Aussiebean · 04/08/2019 21:31

Have an agreement that if you text a certain phrase then he has to call you as soon as he gets the message as it’s an emergency.

rosedream · 04/08/2019 21:41

It depends.

If it's a control thing - that's not great.

It would wind me up as it would be nice to think he'd want to reply sooner than waiting all day.

He also knows it hurts your feelings but doesn't care enough to perhaps meet you half way.

peekyboo · 04/08/2019 21:55

It makes you feel like you don't matter to him. That might not be logical, but at times like this when you really needed to talk, it probably confirmed the feeling of not being a priority.

It might not be easy to understand this sense of rejection or brush it off by saying he's not attached to his phone. But you're his special person, he should want to speak to you.

If he does always answer within 15 minutes, is that when he's noticed the call or does he literally seem to leave it for 15 minutes as if he has a set delay?

DingleyDells · 04/08/2019 22:21

What's the point of having a phone if you don't answer it?

And refusing to answer a call from your dp is downright rude, especially when the OP rarely calls unless it is urgent. It is as if he is saying "You are less important to me than anything else I might be doing and I really don't care. I'll talk to you when I feel like it".

MaeveDidIt · 04/08/2019 22:26

YANBU - it's soooo frustrating.

I don't know why people like this bother having a phone.
I think it can come across as being quite rude too - it's as if they can't be arsed.

SkydivingKittyCat · 04/08/2019 22:27

My husband does this, it drives me mad. He always has his phone on him, it's just always on silent and vibrate turned off for no real reason. He didn't even manage to answer when I was out on my own at 9 months pregnant and I tried to get hold of him. I'd only popped into town for something (I was actually going in to be induced later that day!) so purposely took my time and went for breakfast to see how long it'd take for him to call me back!

I gave up in the end and went home...

Allli · 04/08/2019 22:36

I don’t have access to my phone during working hours but I check it as soon as I get my lunch break and at home time and call people back. If I can’t, (eg rushing home and can’t hear over the noise of outside traffic) I text to say il call in five, text me if it’s urgent

KittyBaxter · 04/08/2019 23:27

That would do my head in.

You do not have to put up with it. Maybe he’s not the guy for you.

ChristmasFluff · 05/08/2019 14:07

Well you started out saying he calls back 15 minutes later - I would find this completely normal. Ditto the taking until the evening to reply to a text when he is away with work - because he's working?

If it's genuinely 2 days before he calls back though, well, he's not that into you and why have you stayed with him for a year?

SignedUpJust4This · 05/08/2019 14:21

Expecting someone to always answer the phone at any time of day is the equivalent of showing up at any place & time in their life (even toilet time) and ringing a bell in their face until they speak to you. And you think they are rude? As long as he calls you back in a timely manner I don't see the issue. I would dump someone who expected me to be on their beck and call all day.

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