Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend wants us to take sides

46 replies

Zazazube · 04/08/2019 18:08

A close friend has 2 dcs. I’m a godparent of one of them.

She got pregnant accidentally with her boyfriend and though they had a rocky relationship, decided to stay together and make a go of it. Had dc1 and it was tough but they stuck it out. Then she got pregnant by accident again after bc failed.

Soon after dc2 was born the relationship with dcs father broke down completely. They’d been together for six years but tbh had been living separate lives with only the children in common since they were born.

Eventually she got fed up of the crappy relationship. Not the best idea in the world but she ended up having an affair and left the dcs dad for this other man.

Unfortunately OM didn’t hang around and he ended the relationship after a few months.

Meanwhile her ex (and dcs father) got together with a girl in our social circle. They’re now engaged and my friend is livid. She is raging that she’s been left holding the babies whilst her ex gets to swan off into the sunset with another woman. She has told us (we are part of a close knit social group of around 12 women or so) in no uncertain terms that we have to choose her or her ex/ex’s fiancée.

The trouble is that I don’t feel like it’s fair to freeze the fiancée out because she’s also part of our group and has been for years, albeit slightly on the fringe. The guy in question is probably the glue of the whole group as he’s a good mate of my DP as well as everyone else in our group. Him getting together with this other woman means her social status will elevate within the group. He is immensely popular with everyone.

My friend is worried that she’s eventually going to get freezed out and that’s why she wants me -and others - to choose her over him and his new fiancée.

I’m so torn. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 18:15

Sorry, that was a total essay! Blush

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/08/2019 18:18

If you make me choose you'll lose.

Whoseagooddoggiethen · 04/08/2019 18:21

If anyone gave me that ultimatum, they would be the one to go. If you truly value a friendship you do not make your friends choose.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 18:24

I don't respond well to ultimatums. She'd be told that making me choose would result in the friendship being over if it were me.

DP and I were friends with a married couple. He cheated, with someone neither of us knew. I've stayed friends with the (now ex) wife, DP stayed friends with the husband (after saying his piece about cheating being a dick move).

Both have tried to get us to choose sides, both have been told no. If either had given ultimatums, they'd have lost out.

Only thing I've said is I'm not prepared to have the new gf in our house when I'm there, because that wouldn't be fair to my friend. BUT I decided that without pressure.

Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 18:25

Yes I think so too @Whoseagooddoggiethen
Also that she is raging right now because she’s in shock and will calm down and see sense once she realises that it’s an unreasonable ask.

I think she’s just hurting a lot because she honestly thought the OM was “the one” and now it turns out her ex has found “the one” whilst she’s left alone with 2 kids.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 04/08/2019 18:27

If she were a close friend I would say ''I feel this is another bad choice in a series of bad choices.''

bebeboeuf · 04/08/2019 18:28

During my relationship ending some friends I considered close decided to pick my ex

I never mentioned anything about it and just never saw them again.

If someone chooses the other person then that’s their choice and only theirs and you have the choice to work around that or not accept it

My ex was abusive, happily spent time with paedophile family member so there was no way I would be staying friends with people who chose him

Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 18:30

*If she were a close friend I would say ''I feel this is another bad choice in a series of bad choices.i

Ouch. But you’re not wrong.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2019 18:59

If you make me choose you'll lose

This will big lawdy bells and ribbons on. Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 04/08/2019 18:59

So someone has picked up her leavings and she doesn't like it? And you can't be friends with them?
She sounds very immature indeed. About 8, I'd say.

lunar1 · 04/08/2019 19:04

She's in a situation of her own making, did she think he would sit and wait just incase the grass wasn't actually greener. If I was forced to choose it wouldn't be her.

GlitchStitch · 04/08/2019 19:05

She is raging that she’s been left holding the babies

now it turns out her ex has found “the one” whilst she’s left alone with 2 kids.

Has he abandoned his kids then?

LemonAddict · 04/08/2019 19:07

Wow, so in the space of a few months she’s left a relationship to be with the OM, and then split up with him.

Meanwhile her ex has got engaged, in the space of a few months, to someone else.

Sounds like neither of them give these decisions too much thought.

Anyway, I’d try and stay as neutral as possible, I would explain to the friend that I’m not freezing anyone out ..

the ex will probably split with his new fiancé as fast as he got engaged to her, and your friend will move on with someone else as fast as her last relationship started and finished.

Hopoindown31 · 04/08/2019 19:08

Has he abandoned his kids then?

Quick quick let's find an excuse to blame the man!

GlitchStitch · 04/08/2019 19:12

No, I was questioning why the friends anger seems to stem from apparently being left 'holding the babies'. Assuming he's still doing his bit for his kids then I wouldn't take sides at all and would tell her to grow up. Hmm

Strangerthanadeadting · 04/08/2019 19:12

I think everyone should have given it more time considering there's two children involved.

He isn't swanning anywhere, I assume he has joint custody? So she can swan off 50% of the time can't she.

It'll all blow over. Your friend will get over it.

I can't help but think he's done that on purpose though!

'Her status in the group will elevate' ?? Sounds like the weirdest friendship group ever! More like a popularity contest. Maybe your friend is better off out of it?

Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 19:13

@Lemonaddict

Sorry, I wasn’t clear enough. Her relationship with OM lasted about 6 months then he ended it. She was gutted and I think is still grieving the end of that relationship tbh even though it ended over a year ago now.

Her ex got together with now fiancée round about the time my friends relationship with OK ended so they’ve been together about a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 19:14

Has he abandoned his kids then?

No, he’s still involved but if I’m completely honest he’s a bit of a useless father. It’s one of the reasons she left him.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 19:17

It'll 'elevate her position in the social circle'?
Sounds about right as your friend sounds about 14.

She doesn't get to ruin everyone's friendships because her adultery didn't work out.

SirJamesTalbot · 04/08/2019 19:30

I don't do ultimations, anyone who tells me to choose between them and A N Other (s) gets a shock.

Original poster
Zazazube · 04/08/2019 19:42

I feel like I need to defend my friend. I think I have given the wrong impression of her. She’s a nice person but has made some terrible decisions in her life, I think a lot to do with her mum kicking her out at 16 and her dad is an alcoholic who hadn’t had much to do with her all her life. She’s really insecure and is lashing out hence the ultimatum but underneath it all she’s a good person. I wouldn’t be friends with her if she wasn’t.

Life has given her a bit of a kicking and she got her head turned by the OM who promised her the world then buggered off when the reality of life with someone else’s kids kicked in and scared him off.

It can’t be easy for her to see her ex move on with another woman and effectively have the best of all worlds.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 04/08/2019 20:22

Ok, so tell her kindly not to be so daft and that life doesn't work like that.
And continue to be friends with both.

SirJamesTalbot · 04/08/2019 20:31

Life happens. Lots of people end up co-parenting with ex-partners, it can be difficult, but you can't tell people to choose who they're friends with.

Morgan12 · 04/08/2019 20:41

Shes probably feeling hugely threatened due to the ex being so highly regarded within the group.

It sounds like she will actually be phased out of the group tbh. All you can do is make an effort to socialise with her aswell.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2019 20:51

It can’t be easy for her to see her ex move on with another woman and effectively have the best of all worlds.

to be fair OP, she's only kicking off, because her own choice of new man has been yet another failure. She chose to leave this Ex, she chose start again with another man, it failed. Her Ex is entitled to live his life too.

I know she's had a rough deal, but she also is responsible for making these choices in her own life. She will survive and she has those amazing kids in her life too.

She cannot dictate who anyone can be friends with, that's the bottom line. She can decide of she wants to be in people lives, but there again that can only be her choice.

I think she in being very unreasonable. Flowers