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Relationships

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Original poster

Friend wants us to take sides

46 replies

Zazazube · 04/08/2019 18:08

A close friend has 2 dcs. I’m a godparent of one of them.

She got pregnant accidentally with her boyfriend and though they had a rocky relationship, decided to stay together and make a go of it. Had dc1 and it was tough but they stuck it out. Then she got pregnant by accident again after bc failed.

Soon after dc2 was born the relationship with dcs father broke down completely. They’d been together for six years but tbh had been living separate lives with only the children in common since they were born.

Eventually she got fed up of the crappy relationship. Not the best idea in the world but she ended up having an affair and left the dcs dad for this other man.

Unfortunately OM didn’t hang around and he ended the relationship after a few months.

Meanwhile her ex (and dcs father) got together with a girl in our social circle. They’re now engaged and my friend is livid. She is raging that she’s been left holding the babies whilst her ex gets to swan off into the sunset with another woman. She has told us (we are part of a close knit social group of around 12 women or so) in no uncertain terms that we have to choose her or her ex/ex’s fiancée.

The trouble is that I don’t feel like it’s fair to freeze the fiancée out because she’s also part of our group and has been for years, albeit slightly on the fringe. The guy in question is probably the glue of the whole group as he’s a good mate of my DP as well as everyone else in our group. Him getting together with this other woman means her social status will elevate within the group. He is immensely popular with everyone.

My friend is worried that she’s eventually going to get freezed out and that’s why she wants me -and others - to choose her over him and his new fiancée.

I’m so torn. WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Zazazube · 04/08/2019 20:52

It sounds like she will actually be phased out of the group tbh

Definitely not going to let this happen. If anything, I’m planning to make more effort to include her in everything and it’s up to her to join in or not.

OP posts:

ShrodingersRat · 04/08/2019 22:43

You sound kind, fair, loyal and level headed OP.

Tell her you will always be her friend but to her friend you don’t need to behave badly towards a woman who has done nothing wrong, and then do as you suggest: make lots of effort.

But... I understand how bc fails, but I don’t understand how ‘living separate lives results in pg.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2019 00:57

Definitely not going to let this happen. If anything, I’m planning to make more effort to include her in everything and it’s up to her to join in or not.

just out of curiosity .. was your friends 'newest' now ex partner included in the same friendship circle .. and if that relationship had continued.. he would also be in the group, would he have be ignored by the original ex ? or would your friend have insisted he also be included ?

Original poster

Zazazube · 05/08/2019 20:37

We did welcome him but deep down I knew he’d bail. Why would a childfree and financially successful man of 35 lumber himself with a single mum of 2 who relies on benefits? I feel horrible saying it but I think my friend was very naive to think it could work.

OP posts:

HeyMonkey · 05/08/2019 21:13

So she cheated and ditched him, but him and his fiancé should be frozen out?

She sounds like a bit of a daft cow tbh.

Original poster

Zazazube · 05/08/2019 21:40

She really isn’t @HeyMonkey
She’s made some bad decisions in her life like is all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zazazube · 05/08/2019 21:40

*Like us all

OP posts:

Bigmango · 05/08/2019 21:45

Your social circle sounds like hard work! Do you all have rankings and things? Could be a great new reality tv format!

But yes as others have said, your friend shit herself in the foot a bit by jumping in with someone else (ad god forbid, an outsider!) whilst her ex has been very canny in choosing a (albeit lower ranking) member of your social circle.

Hang on, are you royal??

Bigmango · 05/08/2019 21:45

Ha haaaa haaa...shot! Not shit!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2019 21:47

She had an affair, her ex has a right to move on, it’s not his or your or the new gf’s fault the OM ditched her. She might be hurting but she started it...

Original poster

Zazazube · 05/08/2019 21:48

Don’t patronise me Bigmango

I’m from the Midlands and pretty much every local area has these sort of social set ups. You might not put it as bluntly as I have but it’s the reality of life where I’m from. Get off your high horse mate.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 05/08/2019 22:02

I don't understand why you posted, as you are clearly going to her side whatever any one says.

If I were in your 'social group' I would be edging away from you as you seemed to want to dictate who is in the 'group' and who isn't.

Yes she has made bad choices, but she choose to have 2 children with in an unstable relationship. She choose to have an affair and finally break up the already bad relationship. But all you want to do is blame the children's father for all their faults.

Now he happy in another relationship and she not, neither she or you get to decide who socialises with who. She either grows up and accept that every one has moved on and continue to see each other at social gatherings or she finds a new group to hang out with.

Original poster

Zazazube · 05/08/2019 22:30

@Clutterbugsmum

You’ve clearly never had a friendship where you care about them like they’re your sister. Sorry for you.

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 05/08/2019 22:36

Side with her - she’s your mate!

That said - don’t be mean or exclude or cut dead the ex and new partner. Still be pleasant but don’t let on to your mate. Once she moves on it will all be a different story, so bide your time and try not to offend anyone. But tell her you’ll side with her!

Hecateh · 05/08/2019 23:36

You can choose to stay friendly with both - she can't make that decision for you.

She can then choose to cut contact with you - that is her choice.

You don't need to choose

AlongTheWay · 05/08/2019 23:56

So she cheated and ditched him, but him and his fiancé should be frozen out?

She sounds like a bit of a daft cow tbh.

Agree. She made her bed and now doesn't want to lie in it alone. I'd be wary of her myself. She has shown she can be disrespectful, a liar and a cheat. Imagine what she could do to friends as well if it suited.

He did nothing wrong by moving on, she started it by having an affair. My loyalty would not be lying with her after that.

But as someone else mentioned, why even post? She did what she did, and you defend her even though she is a flat out cheat. So it's obvious you will side with the one who did wrong and not the one who had the right to move on. All sounds like too much work and she deserves to have her bitter face smashed in his happiness as often as possible so don't freeze either out. I hope he has a lovely life with his new wife while the bitter one gets to watch it alone.

I am glad my circle left "taking sides" in the playground many moons ago.....

Clutterbugsmum · 06/08/2019 07:12

@Zazazube

Don't feel sorry for me, because I have a great friendship group who are all adults and do not behave like 5 year old dictating who can be friends in the school playground.

newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 08:05

@Zazazube I'm from the Midlands and nobody has social circles with different levels of ranking

SavingSpaces2019 · 06/08/2019 13:58

she needs to grow the fuck up - and you making excuses for her behaviour doesn't help her.
Every decision has a consequence and she just has to suck it up that he's moved on and is happy.
Loyalty and doing the 'right' thing wasn't high on her list of values when she had and affair and chose the OM - so she's got some nerve giving you all an ultimatum like this.

Tell her she either sucks it up like an adult or keeps her distance.
You don't want to get involved in her drama.

AgentJohnson · 07/08/2019 07:05

Your right OP, we all make mistakes but.... your friend doesn’t learn from hers and that’s the problem.

FuriousVexation · 07/08/2019 07:50

I'm in the Midlands too and you're chatting shit, asy ds would say (On the playground)

Elevate her status, wtaf.

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