Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU advice on being let down

30 replies

Sophie0579 · 04/08/2019 16:46

I've been dating a 44 yr old for about 2 and a half months and we decide that he would meet my children (12 & 10) today for a day out all together. Anyway he said he was going for a few drinks last night for. Friends bday and I asked that he not be hungover today and he promised he'd just have a few. He text me at 6am saying "please don't judge me but I got drunk didn't get in until 2am so can you drive today." I called him to say what time we'd be picking him up (11am) no answer to calls and texts and phoned him waiting outside his place. No answer. Went anyway just me and the kids so that I didn't let them down. Got a text at about 1:30 saying sorry he's let me down he over slept. I'm so disappointed. It would have been bad enough if it was just a date for us but he knew my kids were meeting him for the first time today and it was embarrassing and disappointing for them too. He has a child of his own so knows how significant meeting them was.

What do I do? Get rid of him? I would never have gone out drinking so much, so let before meeting his son. Advice pls

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 04/08/2019 16:47

Why were you trying to introduce him to your kids after less than 3 months?
My advice is slow the fuck down and stop trying to make this something it isn't

MMmomDD · 04/08/2019 16:52

Why on earth would you introduce kids st 2.5 mo???

MMmomDD · 04/08/2019 16:54

Posted too soon....
Meant to say - you barely know the guy. What’s the rush?????

And on another note - when he told you he got in st 2am, why not just cancel it. Not like it’s the last time they can meet.

You need to take a moment and think about how fast you are pushing it.

Original poster
Sophie0579 · 04/08/2019 16:58

We've spent a lot of time together and it was his idea to meet the children. Maybe too soon then and that's my mistake but am I being unreasonable to feel really disappointed and let down or blowing it out of proportion? I've never introduced a man to the kids after being separated from their dad for 8 years but he seemed committed and stable

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie0579 · 04/08/2019 17:00

MMmonMD why would I cancel?! I didn't want to let my kids down so we still went and had fun. He didn't say he wasn't coming just that he couldn't drive so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we went to pick him up as planned. But he didn't pick up his phone

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 04/08/2019 17:09

You tried to go at his pace and maybe he decided he wasn't ready-after all, if it was really important to him then he wouldn't have got drunk.

If you really like him leave it a few months before trying again and make sure you know he's up and about before you tell the kids anything (maybe go for dinner!)... if he does it twice fuck him off!!

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 17:11

Nothing like some good old fashioned judgey comments that ignore the original question. FWIW I don't think there's a set time period to introduce kids and a new partner. There are so many factors to consider. The age of the kids, their feelings, the length of time since the last relationship ended, how many other partners have been introduced, the seriousness of the relationship and a million other things. I think introducing them on neutral ground is good rather than just having him turn up in your home - ie their territory. So ignore all the comments about it being too soon as I'm sure you know your kids and what's right for them.

BUT having said all that I would be fuming at his behaviour. This is a big deal and he's treated it with very little thought or respect. What must your kids think?! They are perceptive and to them it probably says he isn't bothered. Honestly this would make me rethink the relationship.

When my dp met my son he was so nervous and eager to make a good impression it was humbling to see. Had he behaved like your dp I would have been seriously disappointed and pissed off.

ChristmasFluff · 04/08/2019 17:12

I'd immediately dump anyone who said they had 'overslept'. Flaky. Can't stand flaky.

You've now learned he's unreliable and can't handle his drink or his hangovers. That's the thing about dating - people start to show you who they really are at about the 90 day mark. Now he's shown you who he is (a coward to boot if he wouldn't pick up his phone to you), are you going to believe him?

I'd throw this one back and start looking for the next.

Rachelover40 · 04/08/2019 17:12

You're not unreasonable to be disappointed, the man's behaviour is hardly that of a 44 year old.

Slow the relationship down, try to keep it light for now.

MMmomDD · 04/08/2019 17:13

Cancel his coming along, not the trip, obviously. And why not just tell the kids he was unwell....

As to why do that? Because why have a hangover man meet your kids?

LL83 · 04/08/2019 17:18

At 2.5 months he should be trying to impress, and have the common not to be hungover. The fact you thought to say it shows you already knew this was a possibility, so I would end it.

HeffaLump1 · 04/08/2019 17:20

He put getting drunk on his friends birthday before being ready to meet your children. That would say it all for me. He's not ready for the seriousness of the situation and letting my dcs down is a deal breaker

Original poster
Sophie0579 · 04/08/2019 17:21

MariaVonBratt thank you for your understanding. I was feeling like it was my fault with the first few comments!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 17:25

Well, it wasn't entirely his...

user1493413286 · 04/08/2019 17:28

I’d be ending it; if he can’t prioritise meeting your DC then what future can a relationship have.
I’d have cancelled when he said he couldn’t drive; if he’s still under the influence enough to not want to drive then he wouldn’t be meeting my DC for the first time

user1493413286 · 04/08/2019 17:29

Also take it as a warning sign; this will be repeated if you carry on the relationship

CodenameVillanelle · 04/08/2019 17:30

It was your fault Confused
You barely know him; evidenced by the fact that he did something you didn't expect or anticipate because you don't know him well enough to know how he behaves. Despite that you arranged a day out with your kids. As if that wasn't bad enough when he told you he got in at 6am you didn't tell him to get to fuck and you still planned on taking him with you! What are you thinking?

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 17:32

@CodenameVillanelle give it a rest....
Are you one of those delightful posters who enjoys giving someone a good kicking while they're down?
Even people we know and trust can let us down. It was his idea to meet the kids and he and he alone is in control of his behaviour.

baileys6904 · 04/08/2019 17:33

Wouldn't have had him meeting the kids so early, certainly wouldn't have him dictating when he met my kids and definitely DEFINITELY wouldn't think ur unreasonable for being pissed with him right now.
So sorry but I'd be getting rid. Someone that's willing to let your kids down so sook in the relationship is not someone worth your time and effort

Coffeeonthesofa · 04/08/2019 17:34

I’d be glad he hadn’t met your kids yet, if he can not prioritise meeting them for the first time over getting drunk then he’s not reliable or committed.
Keep him as a boyfriend if you like him and have fun dating then it’s only you he can potentially let down in the future and not your kids.
If this is a rare mistake on his part you can try and introduce them in the future on your say so not his. He doesn’t get to decide when it’s time to meet them you do!

hadthesnip2 · 04/08/2019 17:34

Far too early to be introducing your kids to him. As a pp said that it depends on previous experiences.....well that rge problem. If he had met your kids & you then didnt see much of him again then what happens when you date again & want to introduce THAT man to your kids....??
I'll tell you what happens....the kids start to distrust you & think you are not putting them first. Introduce a 3rd man within a shirt space of time because No.2 didnt work out either then be prepared for them to want nothing to do with you.

That's why you need to slow down. I talk from experience.

Ozziewozzie · 04/08/2019 17:45

@MariaVonBratt
I am totally with you in this. Seriously, I’ve known my mother 44 years and she’s still very much a witch.
I’ve known other people weeks and some months, yet I’d completely be able to depend on them.
How many times have we all been with someone and then years later the penny has dropped that they are complete twats.
Not everyone is a weirdo. I’d introduce my kids to a new friend quite happily, so why not a man? It’s not as though op is moving the chap in this evening.

Op, he has let you down to be fair. Let him come to you and explain himself. Judge him on how he handles this before you take your next step. Maybe his being drunk and hungover is the actual thing which made him ‘avoid’ meeting the kids. In which case it would be out of respect for you and them. It’s easy to say ‘how could he get drunk in the first place’ but sometimes, some friends can be right little devils.Blush

SonataDentata · 04/08/2019 17:46

Hard to believe he’s 44; you might excuse this from an 18-year-old but this guy really hasn’t got his act together. How disrespectful to you and your DC.

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 17:52

@Ozziewozzie don't get me wrong, I take issue with people who introduce their kids to every single new partner in their lives willy nilly (my ex did it, very annoying). Especially when they are having said people in the family home and playing happy families only for another one to be in their place a few weeks down the line. It's confusing for the kids and gives them a warped view of relationships. Not to mention safeguarding issues.

But this business about it being 'too soon' as if time is the only thing that matters. So by that logic if six months has passed then its suddenly acceptable to introduce them regardless of other factors? By all means get to know the person, get a feeling for the relationship and the likelihood of a future. But don't discount the other variable factors and make people feel bad for their choices. It's not black and white.

I've had two relationships since splitting with ds dad. The first went on for about 6 months and was very toxic. It was clear it wouldn't last and my ds never clapped eyes on the guy. My current dp met my son after two months and we are still together, engaged and all very happy.

ConfCall · 04/08/2019 17:52

I think you’re right to be disappointed. In his position I’d have got a taxi home at 11pm, explaining to my friend that I was meeting my DP’s children the next morning.

I don’t think that 2.5 months is particularly quick when it’s been 8 years since the split. Also, your children are old enough to realise that they’re your priority but that you are also a person with a life to live.

It’s a shame that this guy is a flake but you’ve done nothing wrong.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread