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Original poster

Another thread about no sex

39 replies

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:08

Been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he proposed 6 months ago, very good relationship but no sex now for a month and before that it's not often at all, couple of times a month maybe.

I'm due my period soon and we haven't had sex since before my last one.

I know many people go without for much longer but this won't be me. I won't be hanging around for years if no sex.

I appreciate this makes me sound awful but for me there must be something wrong if there's no sex.

I feel like there must be something wrong with me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. I know there's not, as I'm very attractive, this won't be popular on here! I'm very clean bla bla.

I'm 40, he's 35.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 04/08/2019 12:32

Maybe he just has a low sex drive. You have to decide if you can live with a lot less sex than you would like. Lack of sex can chip away at esteem. Is he affectionate? Do you feel loved? Do you initiate? Perhaps you need to have a talk with him about it.

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 12:37

It's usually about once a month here too and there have been many times where I've not had any sex between periods. I take the pill and often wonder what for!

But I love my partner dearly and we have a great relationship. I would like sex more often but he's always been open and honest about his low sex drive. There's very little I can do to change it, it's how he is. I have had to compromise as I want to be with him.

Only you can decide what's acceptable/enough for you. Have you discussed things with him? Communication is really important with things like this.

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:38

Oh it's chipping away at the old self esteem. I have talked to him he just says he's tired but too tired for sex, hmmm not sure I can believe this. Can't be tired all the time surely.

I used to initiate it but now I just can't be bothered. What's the point in being in a relationship m, it's like living with a brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:40

I was literally just thinking about what a waste the pill would have been.

If we had sex now it would feel a bit awkward I think.

I'm actually not going to say anything to him, or initiate it. I want to see how long he's going to leave it for.

OP posts:
MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 12:46

Its probably not about you and more about him - low libido, could even have ED issues. Don't automatically think it must be because you're somehow unattractive to him, it's not always the case. You need to get to the bottom of it though.

Why not wait until you have some time alone and just say 'look I know this is a tough thing to talk about but the lack of sex is really getting me down. Is there any reason that you're happy to go without for so long? Please know that you can tell me anything, no judgement. I just want us to be able to communicate.'

Remember if you're going to marry this man you need to be able to talk. And you also need to understand why the sex situation is how it is so you can make an informed choice going forward. Otherwise you will find resentment growing. It's hard enough even when you know there's a genuine reason behind it but not knowing what's going on and just accepting the 'I'm tired' excuse is going to seriously drive a wedge between you eventually.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 04/08/2019 12:49

TALK to your partner.

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:53

I've spoken to him about it before and he just said he's tired but you can't be tired all the time! When someone is lying next you naked and wanting it, how can he not want it, I just don't get it so it has to be me.

I normally shower in the morning then started doing it before bed also, shaving my legs etch and still nothing. I can't second guess the reason.

It's so frustrating. Just the other day he said he fancies me and he's very happy with me. I have 3 brothers don't need another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:54

I have talked to him!

OP posts:
MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 12:58

If he's got low libido then no amount of shaving or laying about naked will do it for him. It's not you, it's a physical condition that just makes him not want sex all that often.

If you're not satisfied with the tired excuse then you need to bring it up again. The lack of communication is worse then the lack of sex here imo.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2019 13:02

I'm actually not going to say anything to him, or initiate it. I want to see how long he's going to leave it for.

This relationship isn't working.

If he's got a lower libido than you, all the lying about naked and shaving every inch of the world isn't going to do anything about it.

If you're already feeling fed up, not wanting to talk about it and feel it's having an impact on your self esteem; you're not compatible. This isn't the relationship for you. For what it's worth, it wouldn't be the one for me, either. But you're just wasting everyone's time to see how long it goes on for. You know the deal; you know you can't live with it; end if quickly and painlessly for everyone if that's what you need to do.

Josuk · 04/08/2019 13:02

I’d stock up on sex toys and leave them on my side table.
And in the evening would say I am feeling horny, get a bit of porn going on my phone and play by myself....
Short of that - if it IS important to you - i’d just ask him to have an honest conversation about how you two will manage his clearly lower sex drive vs yours.
‘I am tired’ is a cope out, not a conversation.
If he has always been low libido - and you are higher - it will hurt the relationship unless you both find a way... Toys? Some play where he can participate and help you out without feeling pressured himself? Porn? Toys?
Or else an open relationship?

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:03

The way I see it is he should at least want it some of the time. I can't keep having the same conversation, it makes me feel sad and desperate then the next time we have sex it makes me feel like he's doing it just because I brought it up. No pun intended.

OP posts:
MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 13:06

OP you can't dictate how much another person should or shouldn't want sex. It's a personal thing. If it's not enough for you then you have two choices 1. Leave and find a partner you're better matched with sexually 2. Stay and learn to live with it.

But you can't change someone and you can't expect them to put their own preferences and needs to one side just to please you. That's not healthy.

I would love more sex. Once a week would be a dream for me but it'll never happen because my dp doesn't want that. I have learnt to compromise and accept that once a month is probably my lot.

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:07

I've thought about sex toys but why should I resort to sticking plastic up there when I have a real life man lying next to me. It's such a pity, we are still young!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:09

Well that's what he's doing to me isn't it. I can't force him to have more sex but he's forcing me to have less, no sex.

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Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:10

I'm interested to see how long he'll leave it that's all, nothing behind it but that.

OP posts:
got2bebrave · 04/08/2019 13:12

It's very hard for some of us to compromise when it's part of who we are and it sounds like it's having a very negative effect on you. From my experience, if you can't compromise and you are thinking about it in the way you are (as I did) the longer you leave it the worse it gets and the harder it is to then leave. Or you stay and potentially end up having an affair, which I'm sure isn't what you'd want either.

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 13:14

You have the choice to leave. You're not being forced not to have sex. You could easily go get as much as you like elsewhere in a different relationship. I know that probably doesn't feel like a great thought right now but those really are your options.

Staying and being miserable (and probably making him feel hugely pressured and inadequate too) is not going to improve your situation.

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:15

I'd never cheat on him, the lack of sex is the only problem in our relationship and I wouldn't call it a problem......yet.

OP posts:
got2bebrave · 04/08/2019 13:16

'm interested to see how long he'll leave it that's all, nothing behind it but that.

I understand the motivation for that and where you are coming from having done that myself. It's a dangerous game. A total head fuck. You could find it's 6 months and it might be you that eventually breaks and it can be very damaging to self esteem, so if you do that make sure you are keeping mentally strong.

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 13:17

I'm not suggesting you cheat. I'm saying your two options are to put up with it or end the relationship and find a partner you are more sexually compatible with.

I was in the same situation as you and I've chosen to put up with it. You won't change a partner who has low libido and it's unfair to make him feel pressured.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 13:17

Don’t marry him. It’s not going to get better and the resentment will ruin the good things.

Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:18

I'm not miserable and he's not being pressured.

It would be such a shame to leave an otherwise great relationship because of lack of sex to wind up in another relationship that would eventually be the same so I would have lost someone great and for what.

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Original poster
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 13:20

If we didn't have sex for 6 months, I'd be off.

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Krisskrosskiss · 04/08/2019 13:21

You need to break up... you have different sex drives and it's going to make both of you very sad in the long run. He doesnt deserve to be pressured into sex but neither do you deserve to have to go without sex if it's important to you. I'd just end it. You've already said it's like living with a brother.