Another thread about no sex

[Rubbinghimsweetly2]

Been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he proposed 6 months ago, very good relationship but no sex now for a month and before that it's not often at all, couple of times a month maybe.

I'm due my period soon and we haven't had sex since before my last one.

I know many people go without for much longer but this won't be me. I won't be hanging around for years if no sex.

I appreciate this makes me sound awful but for me there must be something wrong if there's no sex.

I feel like there must be something wrong with me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. I know there's not, as I'm very attractive, this won't be popular on here! I'm very clean bla bla.

I'm 40, he's 35.

I hear you OP. DP has a very very stressful job where he has to use his brain a lot. I’ve got a very very very high sex drive he hasn’t, and never really has upon reflection. He’s very affectionate kissing etc etc all of the time. Just, not much of the actual sex. I confronted him about a possible porn addiction!! (One of my irrational crazy moments) Even though there was no indication or after I looked at the facts possibility that it could be that. I’ve realised that it’s just him. And even though it used to kill my self esteem, I realised the way I approached it with anger/frustration/bitchiness made him actually not want to have sex with me... but I was sexually frustrated. I’ve reigned it in and I’ve began to understand my body. I personally couldn’t play with anything. It’s hard I hear you I know what it feels like. We’re younger than you too Which made even harder to understand x

Well that's a risk you take isn't it. You weigh up the pros and cons and make a decision from that.

FWIW I have had a string of shitty relationships that may have involved a lot more sex than I'm getting now but were fundamentally flawed and sometimes downright toxic in other ways. Sex is not the be all and end all. My dp is kind, respectful, lovely with my ds, funny and my best friend. So I have learnt to compromise and accept my lot when it comes to sex. I wish it were slightly more often but I'm happy.

If you have a good relationship that you don't want to throw away then the other option is to accept this is how he is and that sex might only be once a month for you.

Sometimes you go through spells of having less sex in a relationship but theres usually a reason.. you've had a baby, one of yous stressed at work, illness etc etc... if theres no discernable reason and it's been like this a long time and he seems happy with the level of sex then I'm afraid it's a difference in sex drives and it just will not rectify itself without one of you having to sacrifice something. One of you will always be unhappy here. Just end it.

You’re lucky it’s happened relatively early in your relationship. You’ll never change him and you’ll never not want sex. It’s just a sad fact that you get the libido you’re given in life and if it doesn’t match your partners it never will.
I’d leave if I was you. Sex is far too important for you to settle, and it’s soul destroying to have effective celibacy dictated to you. Good luck.

Do you do your share of chores in the house? Your share of childcare? May be treat him to a spa day?

Firstly,try sexy undies.
Men seem to like them.
If no change,dont marry him.
Sex is I believe a very important part of a relationship.

He won't change. You can talk to him and it may improve for a while but then it will tail off again and you will be left frustrated.
This cycle will continue until you feel like worthless crap.
Talking from experience, unfortunately.

I married a man in my mid-twenties who had a low sex drive. I'd enjoyed a great sex life with a previous partner but put that down to the fact that we were together her between 17 and 22 and therefore bound to be at it like rabbits.

For years I tried to surpress the fact that I missed sex and the intimacy that goes with it. We had sex to make babies and that was about it. I tried to tell myself that's what happens when you get married and that it was normal.

Although it wasn't the main reason we eventually divorced I strongly believe it added to my dissatifaction with my marriage.

I met my now fiancé when I was 36 and he was 41. We have an amazing sex life and it's far more fun and adventurous than it ever was in my 20's. It's got even better over the years as we've grown in trust and confidence. I love how much he fancies me and I fancy him. The intimacy within our relationship certainly makes us feel a lot closer.

I would never want to lose that chemistry and would say don't understimate how upsetting a lack of sex can be if libidos are mismatched.

OP - are you making your bf pass a test?
Waiting how long he’ll go without initiating sex seems so passive aggressive. And not how a good relationship should be.
On one hand you seem to resent his low libido.
On the other hand you say it’s a pity to leave a relationship because of the lack of sex.
But then you are silently testing him and if 6mo pass you say you’ll leave.

You’ll need to make up your mind eventually. And face reality as well.
Relationship with mismatched libidos can work but need more open communication than you have.
Not complaints, criticism or feeling rejected, but something more constructive.
If he is in fact lower on libido - if it’s not a health issues for example - than you will have less sex than you’d like, and you both will need to accommodate and adjust.
And it might mean ‘sticking a plastic toy into yourself’. It’s such a funny attitude you have to it - childish almost. Toys can be a solution to the situation if one partner has a lower libido - and you accept it as it’s his right to. (Which you currently don’t)
He - on his side has to learn to accommodate a little too - recognising that your needs are different to yours. And using toys can be a way to do it.
No reason why he can’t be there and engage in a loving intimate interaction with you.
Sex comes in different ways - PIV is only one way.

Staying in this relationship and making it work will require both of you to open up. The way you are going right now is only leading to resentment and break up at some not too distant future.

couldbhe have low testosterone? you can get online tests? i couldn't survive without regular sex, it's a huge part of my relationship

I vaguely remember your previous thread when you’d been ‘rubbing him, sweetly’. Has he returned the favour?

The suggestion that you 'can sort yourself out' in my experience is a soul destroying aspect in a relationship.

IF the lack of sex is a temporary thing then all well and good but if you are truly mismatched then I can't see this relationship working long term and you both being happy.

Clearly no one should be having sex if they don't want to but in these situations it is always the one with a higher libido having to compromise.
While it may be helpful to see lack of interest in having sex with you as not being personal in reality it is very hard to not to.

You say it's not a problem yet, but you are also comparing him to a brother which makes me think it is a problem. You are right in that you can't force a partner to be intimate but they can force you to be celibate, I think its about weighing up whether the relationship is strong enough to survive without it. However i completely understand how you feel, it's soul destroying and makes me feel unattractive and very low at times. Approaching 8 months here...

I am in a relationship with little sex at the moment, it's really frustrating to be honest so I hear what you are saying. I think intimacy is important.