Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age gaps?

31 replies

prettylittlebirds · 03/08/2019 20:09

I've met a guy through work who is 18 years older than me, I am 22 he is 40. We've been seeing each other a couple of months.

The only thing I am worried about is what people might think about the age gap?

Part of me thinks ignore what people might think as long as I am happy.

What are your views on the age gap?

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 03/08/2019 21:20

I'd say go for it. If you are happy and he treats you well then that's great. Beware he is going to have a lot more baggage than you though. Ex wife or girlfriend and kids? You haven't revealed much so difficult to comment.

Original poster
prettylittlebirds · 03/08/2019 21:56

He does treat me very well. In fact I've never been happier!

He does have kids which he sees, this isn't an issue for me.

I am just worried about what my parents will think. I'm not an immature 22 year old, so I know he's not taking advantage of me.

It just feels so nice to have someone who is more mature and on my wave length!

OP posts:
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 03/08/2019 21:58

Meh who cares what anyone else thinks. DH is 20 years older than me and we’ve been together twenty years and celebrated our eleventh anniversary yesterday.

Original poster
prettylittlebirds · 03/08/2019 22:00

@Judashascomeintosomemoney how lovely 😊 congratulations!

OP posts:
ysmaem · 03/08/2019 22:01

Life is to short to worry about what other folk might think and say. If you're happy then continue with the relationship. My aunt was married to her husband who was 18 years older than her and they have an amazing relationship

Original poster
prettylittlebirds · 03/08/2019 22:03

@ysmaem that is very true, it seems a waste since we are both very much into each other!

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/08/2019 22:04

Large age gaps can be more of an issue as the older partner gets much older.
It can work for some people.
Personally I would be very wary of a 40 yr old hooking up with someone so much younger. You're at different places in your life.
Saying that my Dad has been married to someone nearly 20 years younger than him quite successfully for more than 15 years. But he is pretty immature and she's very grown up, so I think they are well matched!

goldpendant · 03/08/2019 23:17

DH is 15 yrs older than me. Best man I've ever met. The others were all very much still boys. Go for it!

Krisskrosskiss · 03/08/2019 23:22

My husband is 16 years older than me! We have two children and have been married 6 years. It matters more that you share views and goals and are on the same page than it does about how close you are in age. I've never got on so well with anyone as my husband. I dont notice the age gap at all.

MrsPworkingmummy · 03/08/2019 23:24

My husband is 18 years older than me. Like you, I was 22 and he was 40 when we got together. 11 years later, and we've still got a great relationship. You do need to be prepared for 'baggage' and the fact he'll have lived a whole life before you. I was bothered more than I thought I would be (initially) at our lack of firsts; he'd already done everything and travelled the world. I've learned loads from him.

Bourbonbiccy · 03/08/2019 23:25

My hubby is 11 years older, I simply couldn't date any of the gents my age, they were more commonly know as ....idiots.
He is brilliant, just genuinely loving, caring, kind, respectful, responsible, funny and has made me very happy for 16 years.

I would say go for it, you will only know if you try. My dad was a bit unsure of the gap to start with, although incredibly protective over everything so no suprise there. But it was my choice and a bloody good one so far 😍😍😍😍

Leftiefterson · 03/08/2019 23:35

Your parents may be a bit 😱 when you tell them, mine were but they soon got used to it. I’ve never had an issue with the age gap.

toffeeapple123 · 03/08/2019 23:47

Be careful, OP. He’s much older and wiser.

Hope it works out, take care Flowers

BackforGood · 03/08/2019 23:49

You will have lots of posters telling you that it worked for them, but I think it isn't only about the number of years different, but it is also about experience of life.
How is it going to work out in 10 yrs time, when you want dc and he is 50 ? Will he want to start over again, with his dc grown up?
How will it work out - if you then have a child, and he will be retiring when they are a teen?
What about when you are still relatively young 62 yr old, and he is 80?

I think it is easy to say "don't care about what anyone else thinks", but what you need to do is give it some really serious though, past the first flush of you being a bit flattered now.

Pineapplefish · 04/08/2019 06:32

If I was your mum I'd be sad to hear that you were in a relationship with a 40yo man. I'm sure he's very nice but I'd be thinking about the future. In 20 years' time you'll hopefully be a fit and energetic middle aged women, while he'll be in his 60s and nearing retirement. It's up to you though. Your life!

basicwitches · 04/08/2019 06:40

I'm 21 and my DP is 10 years older than me, we work incredibly well and he is my absolute best friend! But it was hard because we are at different stages of our life, he has a three year old and other things in life that i had yet to experience! If you want to make it work it will

sodastream23 · 04/08/2019 07:20

Can't help but feel men in their 40s looking to go out with women in their early 20s as sleazy and predatory. He more then likely has kids nearer to your age and I'll admit when I see a relationship with such an age gap I just think that's a relationship dynamic of self esteem issues and a sad old man taking advantage.

dingdang · 04/08/2019 07:35

I'm dating a man who is 12 years older than me, I'm early 40s and he is mid 50s. I had doubts in the beginning because of his age but actually it's been amazing. But and it is a big but, we have both had our kids, his are grown up, mine are school age. For us age gap isn't such a big deal.

18 years gap where you are in your early 20s just sounds like it would store up a lot of problems. Does this man already have children? Do you want to have children? At 22 I'd be looking to travel the world and focus on my career rather than hang out with a 40 year old. Hope you make the right decision for you OP

MsPeachh · 04/08/2019 10:20

I had a similar age gap relationship to you when I was in my early twenties. It didn’t work out long-term because of all the reasons already mentioned above, but I don’t regret it. I learned a lot about loving and being loved from him and he treated me really well, which was a nice change from men my own age!

toffeeapple123 · 04/08/2019 10:49

I’m sorry to say I agree with sodastream23.
A large age gap later in life seems to be less of an issue, but a middle aged man and a very young woman who is starting out in adult life would concern me as a relative or friend. I don’t mean to sound condescending, OP, I’m sure you are smart and mature with a good head on your shoulders. The power dynamic would concern me most of all. Just be mindful of it. And understand that your family and friends will be coming from a place of concern as those who care about you Flowers

Raffles1981 · 04/08/2019 10:51

Your life, your choice. My partner is 19 years older than me and I used to let other people's opinion get to me. After a while, I blocked it out. People soon get bored if you don't react. Once you shut your front door at night, nothing else matters.

Raffles1981 · 04/08/2019 10:59

@Sodastream23 - my older partner treats me and my body with much more respect than men my age ever have. And I was in my 20's when we met. It's not the case that all older men are sleazy. I do see your point, but from what you have said OP, if he is respectful and makes you happy then it's worth a go. Babies are a factor you should be sensible enough to discuss early on, you need to be on the same page. Same age couples have the same decisions to make. My exh was bedridden for most of our (short) marriage and he was my age. And I have made my peace with knowing I may have to nurse my older DP one day. It's just the same as any relationship - there are issues to consider.

Original poster
prettylittlebirds · 04/08/2019 12:13

Thanks for all your replies, we had a long chat about it this morning as it's been playing on my mind. We seem to be on the same page, he's not at all sleazy. In fact the complete opposite.

The guys I've chatted to in the past have been nothing but after one thing and I know that doesn't go for every man out there.

He does have children of his own and that really isn't an issue for me. I am open to the possibility of us maybe having a family but I'm under no guise this might not happen. It's early days yet anyway.

He has told his family about us and they seem really happy he's found someone who also makes him happy. I just feel bad that I've not managed to tell anyone yet, and he is no way a secret but I just haven't had chance to tell anyone.

He is not the type of guy who would hold power over me, the complete opposite. He is kind, caring and has a heart of gold.

I know it's easy to say that during the initial 'honeymoon' period but he has honestly changed the way I see things with his attitude to life and me.

Unfortunately until last year I was stuck in a long term relationship which made me incredibly unhappy and the difference with this guy is insane.

I sometimes feel like I'm older before my age, I've had a really great career already. Bought my own house and travelled plenty, I am ready to do that with someone else now.

Maybe I am naive but at the moment I couldn't be happier.

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 12:16

At these ages it's likely you're just an ego boost.

Krisskrosskiss · 04/08/2019 13:06

I think you should go for it... it's what you want to do and you sound happy right now... maybe it wont work out long term but plenty of relationships with no age gap dont work out long term either... you take your chances! And you do sound happy so that's something to cherish and remember even if it does go wrong. Good luck.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.