Feeling a bit sad this morning.

[SmallestViolin]

Just woken up this morning feeling a bit shit.

Had a great night out last night - the band I play with for fun had a really good gig and we all stayed out till late drinking, talking, having fun. It's a decent sized crowd when all their partners come along too - everyone gets along. It's great.

I never feel left out, but I just find it really hard sometimes when I'm the only one who arrives on my own; leaves alone; who goes home to a (often) empty house.

I'm reasonably happy being single - I don't long for a boyfriend and I like the fact that I can please myself and my children. I have a pretty busy life and I enjoy it.

But sometimes, it would just be nice to have someone to share stuff with and to do stuff with. Sometimes, I don't want to be the 'strong' person who does everything on my own. Sometimes, I want someone to put their arm round me and check I'm ok. You know?

I know.
Have a virtual hug from someone who really knows.

I feel so so sad too for different reasons.

No words of consolation as I know how you feel. I’ve been there too but without DC.

Yes. I know completely. I felt the same, last weekend when the group I went out with all had partners picking them up from the station. And there will have been people there who looked at you and thought - ‘Christ, I’d love to turn up when I like, do what I like, free and single, like SmallestViolin’. But that’s not helping you today, I get that x

A while back I had a date with a guy, and he wanted to hold my hand. Slightly overfamiliar, but I let him, and it felt lovely. I realised afterwards I hadn’t held anyone’s hand except my 5 yr old nephew, in about 2 years! Sigh...

Keep smiling. You’re not alone x

It’s hard to know what’s worse. I’m going through a separation and I know the single life waiting for me isn’t a walk in the park either! Counseling doesn’t even help very much. Things change I guess. Nothing stays the same!

Thank you barry

Slamdunk

‘Christ, I’d love to turn up when I like, do what I like, free and single, like SmallestViolin’

Oh, I know what you mean. And it's actually quite nice - I'm never left out and I think a couple of the men feel quite protective towards me - which is nice (although unnecessary!) but I'm sure there are a couple who might feel like that occasionally but on the whole...

I know what you mean about holding hands too. Would just be nice to feel like I matter to someone.

And at the end of the night, when everyone is talking to their spouse or holding hands, or they've got an arm around each other or a kiss. It's just that stuff.

I totally get it. I've got the weekend off and nothing to do. My closest friend has gone on holiday. Ive just bought my house and would love to have had someone to celebrate with. Someone other than my parents. Who are lovely, but it's not the same.

I enjoy doing things on my own, but not all the time.

Slamdunk I was in a loveless/sexless relationship/marriage for 12 years between my mid twenties and late thirties. I regret spending my best years in a barren wasteland of a relationship - although I do, miraculously, have two children from it.

Being single is infinitely preferable to being in a shit relationship! So you will be fine and there are so many positives to find in it. Single life gives you your freedom and your sanity back but it can be lonely.

I enjoy doing things on my own, but not all the time.

That's it.

I actually like going out on my own. I went out for breakfast this morning on my own. I'm spending the day on my own (one child is at work and the other is at her dad's for the weekend). But my weekends are either spent on my own or with couples. I don't have any single friends.

I'm going out with a couple friend tonight. I was with couples all last night. I just feel like I'm constantly the third wheel or the gooseberry. I'm lucky that none of the women I am friends with currently have an issue with me but I have had that in the past where women have been cautious around me because I'm single. And, obviously, all single women are to be regarded with suspicion around other women's husbands

The thing that gets me is not having any photos of me taken at places I visit as there is no one to take them.

@SmallestViolin thanks for your advice & kind words. I do love my H but there’s no sex and I worry that too much damage has been done to repair. We are just so bound with the house & dogs.

Im sorry you’re feeling sad but keep doing what you’re doing. Stay active and hopefully the stars will align when the time is right for you.

Slamdunk that's sad to hear but I think that when it's not working for you anymore, you need to do what is best for you ❤

I've given up now, tbh. I'm working on accepting the fact that this is just how it's going to be. Other than a few brief relationships between being 18 and 24, and my disastrous marriage, I've pretty much always been single. So now I'm just trying to accept that this is how it is.

I don't 'date' because I loathe online dating with a passion and, although I'm very visible and meet a lot of people through my main hobby (band), I never get approached. I get the usual "If I were single..." comments from married/attached men, but nothing real.

If anyone asks why I'm single, I tend to just say that I haven't met anyone worth giving up being single for. Whilst it's not exactly untrue, it would be more true if I were being asked out and turning men down. The whole truth is that no one is interested anyway! Men don't seem to fancy me and I can't really explain why.

I just don't seem to be what they are looking for

Thanks, Smallestviolin. It’s such a confusing relationship. I don’t know if I have the strength for everything leaving would entail: finding a home, my family’s disapproval etc. I admire you for leaving your marriage because I now know how difficult it is.

I’m sure there are men who fancy you. A single friend of mine is quite confident. She asks men out. I’ve always been too shy for that but it works for her. I know it’s trite but I really think being yourself is the only way to go. If people ask why you’re single, you had long relationships that didn’t work out and are now starting again. You also have kids which keeps you busy I’d imagine & limits dating time. 💜

Oh, I totally get this feeling!

I have been alone with my dd for quite a long time, and most of the time I am fine with that now. But every so often something will trigger that sad feeling...

The thing that gets me is not having any photos of me taken at places I visit as there is no one to take them.

Ask people, I'm always taking photos of people for them, although it's a risk someone might nick your phone.

You sound fab @SmallestViolin , lack of affection is definitely a thing. Think it's brill you're in a band, as a piano/keyboard player I'm now invested in what you play :)

Sorry to hear your situation too @Slamdunkdafunkay

Some very apt advice I've read on MN:

Life is too short for shit sex.

Life is too short for shit sex.

Oh, this in spades! It knocks your confidence because you can't help but wonder if it's you; it's demoralising because it's supposed to be, in part, what a good relationship is about; and it's just a bit dissatisfying!

slamdunk I think your mental attitude towards it all is key. Due to a pretty crappy year, I lost my parents and husband in the space of a few months and had a choice to either draw a line under it and start again or wallow. So I drew a line. About a year after we'd split up, I had a couple of mums from school tell me that they'd initially felt really sorry for me at my marriage breaking down but were now secretly a bit envious of the life I was carving out for myself. But it's all about how you approach it.

I'm happy with telling people that I just haven't found anyone worth not being single for. They generally ask me out of curiosity rather than pity - after all, on paper I look like a reasonably good 'catch' and, whilst no one is ever going to accuse me of being beautiful, I am attractive (if unconventionally so - according to my son!) I think I'm 'quirky' rather than 'pretty'.

Much like your friend, I'm not afraid to ask men out - the only men I've dated at all since being single again have been because I asked them! I've got past all that being shy and worrying that I'll make a fool of myself if they're not interested. I tend to think nowadays that it's flattering to know someone is attracted to you even if you don't feel the same so I'm not bothered about rejection.

But, generally, I don't think men are interested. Like I said before, I get the usual amount of interest from married men who are just looking for a bit of fun on the side but single men are always looking for someone else. What can you do?!

SimplySteve I play bass in a rock band. Fucking love it!

Notcontent That's it exactly. I'm not drowning in a mire of self pity and loneliness and I see enough of other people's dysfunctional relationships to know that it's not all a bed of roses but, like you say, sometimes something just triggers it.

The other night it really was looking around and seeing all the people I'd spent the evening with cosying up with their partners at the end of the night and leaving together whilst I headed off to the car on my own... again...

SimplySteve I play bass in a rock band. Fucking love it! 

Now I have visions of Ann Wilson and don't knock yourself for being unconventionally attractive, some of us men actively search for women like you. And I have to say your personality is all over your posts. (While a term I despise), With all due respect, you'd be a great catch

Ha, thanks, Steve. That's what I hear in real life too. It just seems that someone forgot to tell the men

Not quite Ann Wilson, it's more alternative rock. I've got quite a 'distinctive' but not hugely unconventional look which I get isn't going to be to everyone's taste and that's fine.

Doesn't help that I still quite fancy men in skinny black jeans and docs. Sadly, they aren't as plentiful now I'm in my 40s! And the ones I do meet are generally married

God, I love all sorts of rock, while not my primary music preference rock is what I was learning whilst bashing the school piano and then keyboard into submission. Think I'll go hunt out some Placebo to listen to!

Feel free to hit me up if you want a music chat

I completely understand how you feel. It does sound like (compared to many) you have a wonderful life with good friends and children. You have a lot to be thankful for although I know it's completely natural to feel the lack of a partner. I have a long term single friend who once told me the previous night her flight back to UK had been cancelled. She and all other passengers had to stay overnight in a foreign city. She watched as they all took out their phones and called their partners to let them know. She said to me "I have a great life but at that moment I felt so alone. I had no one waiting for me at home who would care that I wouldn't be back." It really hit home for me.

Another one who gets it. I work and volunteer, have friends, hobbies... kids at the growing up and leaving home stage but still making enough demands that I feel

Oops!

.... like I need to support them a lot. I’d love a ‘teammate’ sometimes.

That's it, Sally. I get your friend completely. Obviously my children would care. I've previously struggled with friendships and these are quite 'young' friendships but things are currently good, yes.

Bagpuss, I have a 20yo at uni and living at home and a younger teen. So I get that!! Friends, hobbies and volunteering (i do that too) are great, but, yes, sometimes it would be nice to not be doing everything alone.