Feeling a bit sad this morning.

[SmallestViolin]

Just woken up this morning feeling a bit shit.

Had a great night out last night - the band I play with for fun had a really good gig and we all stayed out till late drinking, talking, having fun. It's a decent sized crowd when all their partners come along too - everyone gets along. It's great.

I never feel left out, but I just find it really hard sometimes when I'm the only one who arrives on my own; leaves alone; who goes home to a (often) empty house.

I'm reasonably happy being single - I don't long for a boyfriend and I like the fact that I can please myself and my children. I have a pretty busy life and I enjoy it.

But sometimes, it would just be nice to have someone to share stuff with and to do stuff with. Sometimes, I don't want to be the 'strong' person who does everything on my own. Sometimes, I want someone to put their arm round me and check I'm ok. You know?

I have been on my own for 2.5 years.
I know for definite I could never live with anyone else .
These words from a song by Don McLean sum things up pretty well.

Morning comes and morning goes with no regret
But evening bring the memories I can’t forget,
Lonely rooms that echo as I climb the stairs
and empty clothes that fall and drape on empty chairs.

@SmallestViolin @SimplySteveRedux Thanks a million. I’m like the strongest Velcro you could imagine. Once I attach, no matter what happens, I find it so hard to detach. If you’ll indulge me...Last night my H took me for dinner (at my insistence after coming home drunk at 4am the previous night & keeping me awake). We had a silly fight (both our faults). I handed him the umbrella when we got to the restaurant as he was beside the umbrella bucket and he aggressively pulled it out of my hand while looking at me angrily. Horrible moment. We then proceeded to have a ‘normal’ night.

Getting back to what this thread is about, loneliness seems to be rampant. Society is structured around couples & I remember all too well what it was like loving alone & being single. It led me back to my now H because it seemed better than being alone. Not a good idea!

I know it’s different but I often feel like lonely feeling when people talk about their children in front of me & imply that I’m somehow lucky not to have to feed, clothe & bathe other human beings. Sometimes it hits me that this is my only chance for kids and I get so sad & lonely.

I noticed it the most on Fridays in work. People would be rushing to get their work finished to get home to their families & I’d get this sad feeling of there being no-one to go home to! I wish I had persevered though instead of diving back in to a relationship & marriage to quell it. 🌗

*living alone

I totally know how you feel. But when I do feel like this I remind myself of the utter loneliness of a shit relationship. On balance I'm much happier being single and it sounds like you are too. Just remember all the positives, be kind to yourself. It will pass, all feelings are temporary x

OP, you sound absolutely amazing. So very brave. It's not easy to make the tough choices you did, and make them work.

I find it very hard to believe that there isn't someone out there for you.

Couples are great but you need to be meeting up with women of the same age and putting yourself out there, be it in hillwalking, singles meet ups's., music groups, whatever.

You sound like you are busy so try and carve out sometime to see what is available in your general area.

Make it a small project for yourself. Taking control of this feeling will help.

Wishing you the very best.

Purplehammer

1Way Oh absolutely. There's nothing quite like the slow agonising death of a shit relationship!

Tbh, I'm beginning to think that it's less of a problem that I'm currently single and more that, as much as I'd like it to at some point, I can't see how it will change.

I wish I knew what it was about me that made me unfanciable. At least then perhaps I could address it.

billy well, if there is, he is very well hidden!

That's the thing, I have a group of female friends - we socialise a bit but they are all married and have been forever so it's a bit difficult. I do socialise with them but they're usually doing things with their husbands.

As for hiking groups etc and getting out to meet people. I'm in two bands and, this weekend, I've been asked to consider joining a third. That's a lot of band practises, a lot of gigs, a lot of meeting people at the bar after the gig... I don't really have time for anything else!!

It's not that I don't meet men - I'm not sitting on the sofa on my own every evening wondering why I'm single - it's just that none of them are ever in the slightest bit interested in me. They're happy to talk guitars and beer but that's as far as it goes!

And it is specificially me, the women I mentioned above are married and all of them are approached by men when we go out.

Argh, I don't know... there's clearly something about me that puts men off.

@SmallestViolin I can identify with loads of what you've said! In fact I came on MN to start a similar thread and browsed on to this one before posting (so thanks for saving me the trouble ).

There's LOADS I love about being single, and I know there's people who envy my freedom. And having failed marriage + shit relationships under your belt gives you a wonderful sense of perspective on other people's seemingly perfect relationships.

But...

There's always that pang of loneliness that pops up now and then, the one that makes you feel like shit. Mine has been brought on by my ex-husband's recent wedding. I've been telling people I was fine - and I am, 95% of the time - but today the 5% has made me cry like a fool that nobody loves me. (Apart from my amazing friends and immediate family, who are all contractually obliged, and do not count).

I'm so ready to fall in love and let my heart melt for someone, but it's just not happening. I have washed my hands of OLD (again) it's just so time consuming wading through the wankers, of all descriptions. And I even have a lovely FWB who is good at the sex and affection, but there's no pang when I send him home and slam the door shut so that's never going to lead to anything more romantic.

Sorry if that's a bit long, think my violin might be smaller than yours!

@SmallestViolin I can identify with loads of what you've said! In fact I came on MN to start a similar thread and browsed on to this one before posting (so thanks for saving me the trouble ).

There's LOADS I love about being single, and I know there's people who envy my freedom. And having failed marriage + shit relationships under your belt gives you a wonderful sense of perspective on other people's seemingly perfect relationships.

But...

There's always that pang of loneliness that pops up now and then, the one that makes you feel like shit. Mine has been brought on by my ex-husband's recent wedding. I've been telling people I was fine - and I am, 95% of the time - but today the 5% has made me cry like a fool that nobody loves me. (Apart from my amazing friends and immediate family, who are all contractually obliged, and do not count).

I'm so ready to fall in love and let my heart melt for someone, but it's just not happening. I have washed my hands of OLD (again) it's just so time consuming wading through the wankers, of all descriptions. And I even have a lovely FWB who is good at the sex and affection, but there's no pang when I send him home and slam the door shut so that's never going to lead to anything more romantic.

Sorry if that's a bit long, think my violin might be smaller than yours!

@SmallestViolin I can identify with loads of what you've said! In fact I came on MN to start a similar thread and browsed on to this one before posting (so thanks for saving me the trouble ).

There's LOADS I love about being single, and I know there's people who envy my freedom. And having failed marriage + shit relationships under your belt gives you a wonderful sense of perspective on other people's seemingly perfect relationships.

But...

There's always that pang of loneliness that pops up now and then, the one that makes you feel like shit. Mine has been brought on by my ex-husband's recent wedding. I've been telling people I was fine - and I am, 95% of the time - but today the 5% has made me cry like a fool that nobody loves me. (Apart from my amazing friends and immediate family, who are all contractually obliged, and do not count).

I'm so ready to fall in love and let my heart melt for someone, but it's just not happening. I have washed my hands of OLD (again) it's just so time consuming wading through the wankers, of all descriptions. And I even have a lovely FWB who is good at the sex and affection, but there's no pang when I send him home and slam the door shut so that's never going to lead to anything more romantic.

Sorry if that's a bit long, think my violin might be smaller than yours!

@SmallestViolin I can identify with loads of what you've said! In fact I came on MN to start a similar thread and browsed on to this one before posting (so thanks for saving me the trouble ).

There's LOADS I love about being single, and I know there's people who envy my freedom. And having failed marriage + shit relationships under your belt gives you a wonderful sense of perspective on other people's seemingly perfect relationships.

But...

There's always that pang of loneliness that pops up now and then, the one that makes you feel like shit. Mine has been brought on by my ex-husband's recent wedding. I've been telling people I was fine - and I am, 95% of the time - but today the 5% has made me cry like a fool that nobody loves me. (Apart from my amazing friends and immediate family, who are all contractually obliged, and do not count).

I'm so ready to fall in love and let my heart melt for someone, but it's just not happening. I have washed my hands of OLD (again) it's just so time consuming wading through the wankers, of all descriptions. And I even have a lovely FWB who is good at the sex and affection, but there's no pang when I send him home and slam the door shut so that's never going to lead to anything more romantic.

Sorry if that's a bit long, think my violin might be smaller than yours!

Ffs, sorry for posting that 3 times!! Stupid phone

Margot MN was a bit glitchy yesterday- I don't think it's your phone

But thank you for articulating it so well! You've summed up how I feel precisely

Thanks

Anyway, I really don't think you should be sitting around wondering why you are not fanciable - I'd be amazed if this was actually true!! I'm guessing it's more that you aren't fancied by men that you want to fancy you? But you don't say what kind of men you like? If you don't often meet someone who floats your boat then maybe you're not putting out that kind of vibe?

Thanks, Margot.

Ideally, I like 'alternative' men but I don't exclude others. I like men who are youthful in their attitude to life without being immature; men who are creative and outdoorsy; men who are kind, loyal, honest and faithful. I want someone who is still prepared to camp in a field and isn't horrified by wild wees! I dont want someone who polices me to be more 'ladylike'.

I like men who think and are intelligent. Increasingly, I'm seeing the benefit of being with someone who is practically skilled - being able to write a thesis is great but someone who can fix the things around the house that I can't do myself would be a bonus!!

Like I said upthread, it's not that I'm being asked out by men and turning them down; I literally can't remember the last time a single man showed an interest - my type or not!

I can relate to this and sometimes it can be good just to talk abut it. I've had a turbulent few years: long-term relationship ended, left old job to move to London, returned after 2 years, now working in completely different field. I get on with most people great and I've met loads of people in that time,made some good friends, but every time I feel like I'm intruding into other people's lives who have all got their own friends / relationships. I've been single 6 years now and can't see that changing.

The worst bit is just not having anyone to talk to when you get home, that feeling that no-one really cares.

I arranged to go back up to London for the day a few weekends ago, and no-one I knew there had the time to meet up with me.

I feel the same way too. I'm very independent, have travelled a lot on my own, and have a good number of friends. I have a successful career and enjoy a varied life. I'm good at living life with gusto and my friends see me as full of life, energy and laughs.

But sometimes I can't face going to an event or party on my own yet again, or not having anything to do at the weekend. Most of my friends are happily married and I have few single friends so weekends can be emptier now my kids are older. I can't bear the thought of online dating again though I'd love to meet a man in a normal everyday way. I've put on a lot of weight and have given up on expecting to find a partner now in my mid 50s. I've not had sex for 3 years, no one hold me hand or give me a cuddle or touch my skin (except my DD19).

The thing I miss most is having a male partner to cook with or have dinner with, go out with at the weekend, to check in with me how my day went. It's the close company and friendship of it that I miss most.

Yesterday I got home from holiday with my kids and they instantly had their boyfriend and girlfriend round for the evening and I was on my own. It felt a bit sad.

The worst bit is just not having anyone to talk to when you get home, that feeling that no-one really cares.

Yep.

Boulezvous

Yes to eveyrhing you have said too. That's it. I'm more than happy to do stuff on my own but always doing stuff on your own is hard.

I went camping with some friends recently. It's just the sharedness of it all - planning, packing, driving, pitching the tent etc. They all shared the tasks out with their partners and I was there doing it all on my own.

Although, I have now joined the band I was asked to consider which will mean dropping one of the others because practise clashes. So I guess I'm going to have less free time to fill now! Looks like I'm going to get very busy, very quickly. Which is great - but there will definitely be no time for men. Which is, I guess, one way of solving the problem...