Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DP doesn’t want to get married

39 replies

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 11:29

Feel silly calling him DP because it’s a relatively new relationship so he’s more of a boyfriend than a partner I think!
Anyway, i’ve Known him for seven years. I’ve been seeing him for six months. He cane very much out the blue and confessed he’s had feelings for me for years.
Things have been amazing. We work in every way so far. He says he has never been so happy and wants to be with me forever. He is separated. I’m divorced. Last night he said he doesn’t feel marriage changes anything and wouldn't want to do it again. I do essentially agree with him...I never saw myself getting married again and I don’t believe it would improve a relationship in any way. But I feel really disappointed. I’m not sure why. I think maybe the possibility being taken away is bothering me. I don’t want to have a big heavy discussion with him. But should I say something?

OP posts:

Enclume · 03/08/2019 11:38

Pension rights, inheritance... the list goes on. If you really want to be "forever," you want to look after your other half, including after you're gone. Medical decisions. Travel to certain countries (sponsoring a visa). There are a million reasons for marriage.

Lozzerbmc · 03/08/2019 11:44

Well i can understand he feels that way as he is not yet divorced and not in best place to consider it.

I understand though, i thought my DP and i would get married one day (together 12 years with a DS11) but he recently said he never wanted to get married. We’ve both been married before and talked about the possibility one day but he now never wants to. I feel in my heart its because he doesnt want to marry ME! Perhaps this is what you are feeling?

I think you have to think about whether this is a deal breaker for you and whether you would be happy long term without marriage. Are you planning to have children together?

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 11:48

To be fair, after going through a nasty divorce, I would need a lot of convincing fuck that scene to ever get married again. 🤨

I think the biggest concern is that he is separated, not actually divorced. Is his divorce underway? How recent is the separation?

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 11:52

We both have children - and are in our mid 40s.
The thing is, I don’t want to have a heavy discussion early on and I don’t want him to feel pressured while he is going through a divorce. But if marriage is definitely off the table then I don’t want to be years down the line before we confront it. I suspect he would marry me so as not to lose me but I wouldn’t want it under those circuy

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 11:57

If you both have kids and unlikely to have more together (?), then his decision not to marry you is sensible from an inheritance perspective - if he wants his own children to inherit his assets.

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 12:20

He has been separated for around 15 months. He’s still living in the same house as her for financial, childcare and shift work reasons. They are amicable.

OP posts:

NewMe2019 · 03/08/2019 12:27

When is he planning on moving out? I lived with STBEXH for 6 months whilst dating my DP and it was not easy at all.

I'm watching this thread with interest as my DP has never been married, he didn't want to marry his ex but I suspect he would marry me. I'm going through a divorce and do like the idea of getting married again. We have skirted around the issue but after only 7 months I don't feel it's right to have a 'are we heading towards marriage one day' conversation, although we have both said we are in it for the long haul. We both have DCs and don't want anymore. He doesn't have any assets but I have a house (or will when divorce is sorted). So part of me thinks that complcates things as I'd want me DCs to inherit, but I also want the legal rights that come with marriage. Plus I've always felt I didn't do it how I wanted first time/was too young/had doubts whether ex was the right person etc so I'd love to do it 'properly' again.

Craptop · 03/08/2019 12:32

Marriage is a financial contract op. For me, it's not about commitment or emotional security. Maybe he doesn't want the ceremony, or like me post divorce, doesn't feel it secures anything. I would talk to him in due course about the practicalities - the financial contract bit - and see what he says.

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 12:33

Newme So similar even down to the house. Also, I think I might just want the permanence and recognition of marriage.

OP posts:

Craptop · 03/08/2019 12:33

By ceremony I meant 'big party'. You never know, in time he may feel differently and be happy to pop down the town hall on a Monday morning to do the formalities.

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 12:36

I realise the irony of talking about permanence when I left my husband!
Also I like financial independence so it’s mainly about emotional security for me

OP posts:

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 12:38

Craptop - he just said he doesn’t Think marriage changes anything. He only married his ex because they wanted kids.

OP posts:

Ginandtonic4all · 03/08/2019 12:48

I am in the same boat. I was married for 20 yrs. now divorced and have met a lovely partner. We want a future together. He has been married twice before and doesnot want to do it again. But I do! For me it internal and external validation. I don't know how we will resolve it. I do know that I don't want to loose him over it but also won't give up my financial independence (co-mortgage) if he won't give up his legal one. So I think the likelihood is we won't get married, but at the time of moving in together he will come and live in my house and pay me some kind of rent. Who knows

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 13:01

Are you quite sure that he's separated and that the wife fully understands this?

It's surprising how often the wives of "separated" men who still live with their wives ... don't know they're separated.

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 13:04

He only married his ex because they wanted kids.

What a cold sentiment for the mother of his own children. I wonder if he told her that? You have a cold, utilitarian fishy on your hands, OP. Beware, as down the track the narrative about your relationship could become quite similar.

Hopoindown31 · 03/08/2019 13:09

15 months out from a separation where they are still cohabiting (very difficult even if they are amicable) and only 6 months with you. Of course he doesn't want to get married again at the moment!

Craptop · 03/08/2019 13:20

Bollocks, @picsinred plenty of people only get married for children - for the legal status, rights and finances

You SHOULD view marriage coldly - it's a contract. Don't confuse the wedding/outwsrdl display of commitment with it

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 13:40

It's an important legal move to be married before having children, certainly I don't disagree (unless the intended sahp is independently wealthy) .

It's unnecessary, however, to speak of the mother of your children in such a clinical manner, to your new girlfriend, whilst still residing with the mother of your children.

History repeats for those who choose to ignore it. 🚩

barryfromclareisfit · 03/08/2019 13:42

Oh yes. Do check the wife knows they are separated.
The ‘wouldn’t want to marry’ is an insult - if you mattered enough to him, he’d marry you. Don’t be the filler - the woman who ‘will do’ until someone exciting enough to marry comes along.
Yes, marriage is a legal and financial arrangement - if he cared, he’d care about your security.

The way he speaks about his wife to you is probably how he speaks (or will later speak) about you.
And six months in is definitely too soon to consider marriage, especially if he hasn’t yet divorced the last one.
Put him on the back-burner, OP, and keep your options open. Don’t rely on him at all. He might shape up in the end, he might not. Put yourself first.

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 14:24

@PicsInRed I am paraphrasing. He said marriage has never really been important to him. He and his ex were living together and wanted to have kids and decided to get married first. If it hadn’t been for that he isn’t sure they’d have got married. I don’t Think that is bad.
He would get married if it was really important to me I think but it’s far too early for that conversation.
They are definitely separated. I have known him and his wife for several years.

OP posts:

Thymeout · 03/08/2019 14:50

Op has said that she thinks he would marry her if she pushed it. So it doesn't sound as if she's a stand in until someone better comes along.

But she doesn't want him to marry her just because she wants it. She wants him to feel the same as she does. I think you're asking a bit much here, Op. If you get on so well in every other way, you may have to accept that on this particular issue he feels differently from you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much. Just that getting married doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. This isn't unusual for second marriages. After all, marriage didn't stop your previous relationships ending.

As pps have said, it's a good idea to get the legal protections sorted, especially with step-children in the mix. If he objected to that, I'd be feeling insecure and questioning his commitment.

I don't think he's being cool or clinical when he says he only married his wife because they wanted dcs. Lots of people only get married when they start a family, and lots don't do it even then. It sounds sensible to me - but then I'm not a romantic. If you are, and it really matters to you, then this relationship won't last. Even if he changes his mind, he'll never be able to convince you. You'll always have a niggling feeling that you've pushed him into it.

Enclume · 03/08/2019 19:13

Chances are they aren't separated.

But all that aside, he is possibly thinking of his own kids' inheritance.

Just make sure you don't spend your final decades caring for an elderly man upon whose death you get turned out of a home you have no automatic claim over.

NameChangeNugget · 03/08/2019 19:45

I can’t see one single reason based on either of your circumstances, why marriage is needed

Mystraightenersarebroken · 03/08/2019 19:55

Being married is not a guarantee of inheritance. It's not the same as divorce.

Original poster

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 19:57

@Enclume He is definitely separated. I have known his wife, kids and parents for several years! And I am more financially independent than him so being left in the lurch is not an option.
@namechangenugget I agree with you. I just feel a bit down that the option isn’t there if I decide I want that. I don’t know what I want.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread