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Original poster

DP doesn’t want to get married

39 replies

TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 11:29

Feel silly calling him DP because it’s a relatively new relationship so he’s more of a boyfriend than a partner I think!
Anyway, i’ve Known him for seven years. I’ve been seeing him for six months. He cane very much out the blue and confessed he’s had feelings for me for years.
Things have been amazing. We work in every way so far. He says he has never been so happy and wants to be with me forever. He is separated. I’m divorced. Last night he said he doesn’t feel marriage changes anything and wouldn't want to do it again. I do essentially agree with him...I never saw myself getting married again and I don’t believe it would improve a relationship in any way. But I feel really disappointed. I’m not sure why. I think maybe the possibility being taken away is bothering me. I don’t want to have a big heavy discussion with him. But should I say something?

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/08/2019 20:04

If you don't planto ha e more kids I don't think marriage is that important. Just make sure you are financially secure. If in 6 months time you decide it is important to you you need to tell him. But not yet.

Caucho · 03/08/2019 20:11

Why do you think they’re not separated Enclume - do you know more than everyone else including the OP?

He might change his mind (I know that’s usually he worst possible thing to say and a crime here to suggest it) but the guy is still married. It’s not the best thing or timing to be pushing on someone in the process of a divorce. You can both reevaluate once it’s done but he seems to have enough on his plate for now. Might still think the same- you don’t even have a dissimilar mindset yourself but seem to a tinge of personal resentment / taking it personally as someone else suggested. It’s natural and nothing to worry about and most can relate to that

beenwhereyouare · 03/08/2019 20:12

TakeManhattan,

I'm not implying you've done anything wrong.

I just read your original post again. So when your DP confessed he'd had feelings for you for years, he meant during the time he was still married? Not married but separated, but "married" married?

This would bother me more than the "he doesn't think he wants to get married again." It must have been so painful for his wife- people tend to sense something is wrong when their partner has someone else on his or her mind. It would have made him less than committed to his marriage. You weren't at fault, but if it were me, I think I'd have concerns about my own future.

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2019 20:34

The years that you’ve known him count for nothing because being in a relationship is a very different dynamic. Which means you’ve been seeing each other for 26 weeks.

Original poster
TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 21:11

@beenwhereyouare yes, his feelings began when he was still with his wife. But two major things affected their marriage before this. His wife had an affair with a family friend and something else I don’t feel I can share in case she is a Mumsnetter. They tried to make things work but ultimately decided it couldn’t. They really tried hard and still get on fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeManhattan · 03/08/2019 21:12

@AgentJohnson this is true but I know him as a friend too and not just someone else’s husband/partner

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 03/08/2019 21:17

That's a different situation, then. Thank you for explaining.

Jennifer2r · 03/08/2019 22:40

I wouldn't get married, it's nothing to do with anyone apart from me. It's not because I'm mean or selfish or because I don't love someone enough, I just don't want to.

Chocolate123 · 03/08/2019 23:03

I'm divorced my DP is almost divorced. We are very happy both have kids no intention of more kids and definitely no interest in getting married again. We don't need to we are happy with how things are. Surely if it's legal reasons you can draw up a legal document etc.

AgentJohnson · 04/08/2019 08:02

this is true but I know him as a friend too and not just someone else’s husband/partner

It makes no difference how you knew him before, in the context of a intimate relationship, you’ve known him 26 weeks. You see it time and time again on MN, poster’s saying they’ve known their current flame for x amount of years and they somehow add the duration of that friendship onto the length of their current relationship.

He might change his mind or he might not but considering he’s still married, it really isn’t strange that he isn’t keen on getting married again.

You’re still in the honeymoon phase and you’re getting ahead of yourself.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/08/2019 09:26

I do essentially agree with him...I never saw myself getting married again and I don’t believe it would improve a relationship in any way. But I feel really disappointed. I’m not sure why. I think maybe the possibility being taken away is bothering me.

I totally get what you mean, OP. Everything you've said strikes a chord with me - similar circumstances, although I've been with my DP longer.

I really don't know if I actually want to get married again, but I feel kind of disappointed that he doesn't! I suppose it's because I would like to think I'm 'marriage material' in his eyes. I also think my DP would probably do it, if I pushed. We've never even discussed it really, because I'm in two minds about it myself, so I don't want to push for something I'm not actually sure of! It just niggles a bit. I suppose I want to think of him being so head over heels 'in luurvve' that he wants to marry me, in spite of his - and indeed my own - quite reasonable reservations. (Having been burnt before etc.)

I don't have an answer, however, I would suggest that with just 6 months together as partners, you leave it for now. He is probably still raw from a recent break up, so another 6 months or a year down the line he may see things differently. So might you for that matter.

Original poster
TakeManhattan · 04/08/2019 14:41

@AgentJohnson what I mean is that I know him well. I’m not seeing him just through romantic eyes, i’m Not ignoring flaws or getting caught up in the first flush of romance. It’s early (far too early really) to be wondering about this!

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeManhattan · 04/08/2019 14:43

@DarklyDreamingDextergiid advice! Thank you. I really am not bothered about rings, sharing a surname, having a wedding etc. I just would maybe like the commitment one day. But maybe not!

OP posts:
Enclume · 04/08/2019 21:19

I am sure you'll figure it out over time. If you are in the better financial position, I wouldn't get married again tbh.

Btw love the Leonard Cohen inspired username! There is a Lady Midnight, a River's Disguise and now a Take Manhatten. Wonder how many more? :)

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