Blocking this man was the right thing, wasnt it?

[Wishihad]

Hi,

So a bit of back ground. I had an abusive childhood and married an abusive man at 20. I was with him until I was, 33. I left him 4 years ago and am divorced. I have PTSD and lots of counselling and feel I have good boundaries now. But I am asking this because some female friends have made me question my new boundaries.

I have a dp. He is great. No issues there.

But when I was with exh, we worked together and worked with another man, Bob. Bob and exh were friends. I also got on with bob, though never socialised with him. Just got on with him at work. He was on my Facebook.

About a year ago he sent me a message asking how I was and that he hadnt heard from exh in a while. I told him we were divorced so no idea why he hadnt heard from him. We had a quick catch up and that was that.

This week he has been messaging. Started off with 'how are you?'. All fine. He then started telling me how great I was. I just said thanks then asked him about his son. He ignored that and started telling me he had always fancied me. I explained that I was seeing someone and only saw him as a friend, He seemed to accept that.

But he has messaged alot since, and if I dont answer straight away, he sends a 'are you ignoring me?' I told him I was busy. Then he asked me 'is there any chance we would get it together' I said no that we were friends and that it. 2 nights ago, he sent his phone number and demanded to have mine. Then kept sending me 'wish....text me right now'. It freaked me out.

I have had enough so blocked him on all social media. And blocked his old phone number, that I had when we worked together, just incase he still had it. And the new number he sent me even though I hadnt give him mine.

My best friend is fully supportive. But some of my other friends feel sorry for him and say he just obviously likes me and I ghosted him and that's not l decent behaviour.

From my point of view, I was clear it wasnt going to happen, was happy to be friends. Then he ignored that kept trying then got really really pushy. It's not a side of him I ever saw and think, he didnt deserve another chance and I dont feel guilty for ghosting him.

One girl even went as far as saying I need more therapy as it was an over reaction.

So I am asking here. You guys are the reason I got out of my marriage, so i do come here a lot for advice. Am I bitch for ghosting him? Do i need more therapy?

Thank you.

You don't have to communicate with him if you don't want to is the short answer. If he made you uncomfortable you've done the right thing.

Why the fuck are with these cunts?

You've already said goodbye to an abusive relationship

Do you need help to get away from these abusive cunts as well?

Your friends are odd! He was pushy and inappropriate and you owed him nothing. So you did absolutely the right thing.

Honestly really odd if anyone thinks different!

Your friends are wrong and you have good boundaries. He sounds pushy and potentially abusive if you had been single and decided to pursue this as he didn’t listen to your clearly stated wishes. What kinds of relationships are the friends who have criticised you in themselves?

He sounds far too pushy and wasn't taking no for an answer. You did the right thing.

It’s your ‘friends’ who have messed up boundaries. You did the right thing - the only thing you could have improved on was blocking him sooner.

Well done for being assertive and taking control here.

I'm afraid your friends are cunts and are only pissed off because their source of drama and entertainment has been cut.

No means no, whether it be meeting up, sex, messages anything and men like him need to learn to listen.

Sideline the people who advised you to ignore your boundaries & instincts. Often we have to do a stock check of our friends..Do they support you in building healthy relationships? If not, don't confide in them again.

He wasn't respecting your wishes so isn't a friend, just someone who thinks you might be easy prey.

Thank you all so much.

It really had me questioning myself. As I said my best friend was very supportive
She has been with me through my divorce and seen it all.

What kinds of relationships are the friends who have criticised you in themselves?

I dont know what goes on behind closed doors but all of them seen pretty settled in relationships. Most of them been with their partners/husbands for a long time. I only see their partners/husbands when we all socialise together. But I dont really chat to them alot.

You definitely did the right thing. He sounds hideous.

Yes it was the right thing to block. Your “friends” are weird and have poor judgement.

You've done the right thing, to be honest any doubts and it's best to. Seems reasonable in this case as he said how he felt, you replied honestly and explained you were with someone and he still persisted. For me the 'are you ignoring me' intense messages would be the tipping point. It sounds like you have been through a lot and glad you are happy with your DP and in a better place now

Thick friends who were enjoying the drama. Your boundaries sound great @wishihad

I think I am just entirely fed up with men thinking they can keep pushing me. I was in my own home, feeling uncomfortable and a bit scared of this man on my phone. I dint want that.

And then annoyed at women thinking I have to lay down and take it, and be flattered by it.

My mum doesnt speak to me anymore because I divorced exh and believe the abuse I suffered wasnt that bad. Mainly because she is very similar and treats my dad appallingly. Dad just takes all the abuse she gives. I had to cut contact with dad for my own MH.

But it really hurt to hear mum saying I was overreacting and that I was evil for getting a divorce. I dont know why I expected different from her. But when these women were telling me I was over reacting, it took me back to the last coverstation with my mum.

Thankfully, both times I have had an amazing best friend who lets me know, my decision was valid and the right thing for me.

I think him reacting like that did shock me because I worked with him for 4 years and he seemed like a very kids and gentle man.

It's amazing what people can hide to people they see every day.

He has no respect for you or your relationship- that alone would be enough to block him as a “friend” would respect that I was in a relationship and take no for an answer.

He also sounds very pushy and potentially controlling with the are ignoring me/text me now messages.

You’ve done the right thing.

Bob is a bunny boiling chancer and you absolutely did the right thing.

I would also have re-evaluation of those "friends".

You did exactly the right thing.

What kinds of relationships are the friends who have criticised you in themselves?

I dont know what goes on behind closed doors but all of them seen pretty settled in relationships. Most of them been with their partners/husbands for a long time. I only see their partners/husbands when we all socialise together. But I dont really chat to them alot.

*I think him reacting like that did shock me because I worked with him for 4 years and he seemed like a very kids and gentle man.

It's amazing what people can hide to people they see every day.*

As you say, you don’t know what happens in your friends’ relationships, possible this kind of behaviour is normal in their relationships or what they’re happy with, but that’s not your problem because you hold relationships to a higher standard.

Yes. That why I didnt want to make a judgment on their relationships, because I have experienced the relationship that's horrendous, but looks great from the outside.

So I try to keep an open mind.

I am now annoyed at myself for letting them make me doubt myself.

You did the right thing!

Agree, right thing.

Send your “friends” his number so they can comfort him! What a creep.

Well done you for getting out of an abusive relationship - for reflecting, changing and growing so that you can now see one coming. I agree that some “friends” - especially yours in their maybe dull, settled lives could encourage you to do the wrong thing just for the drama and to keep themselves entertained. Reconfigure your boundaries with this lot as well - careful what you share etc

What is happening to you now is that you are not yet fully confident in your new boundaries so you are questioning your own feelings - but this is so important to listen closely to your gut, act on it immediately and stick with it. I bet there was a much earlier boundary with this guy that gave you the creeped out feeling where you could have cut him off even earlier.

Totally the right thing. The world would be a nicer place for women if your boundaries were viewed as normal and usual. Then the pushy fucking chancers wound realise that they has to behave like decent human beings.

Frankly OP, you will now you have escaped the past the moment you can do what works for you with a second thought about what the other people think.

You felt it was inappropriate and right to block him. Why are you allowing the others’ opinions to make you doubt yours. It is you who was receiving the messages, it is your right to block them even if they are nice and lovely but are annoying you.

FWIW I would have done exactly the same if a friend of an abusive ex started such conversation with me.