Blocking this man was the right thing, wasnt it?

[Wishihad]

Hi,

So a bit of back ground. I had an abusive childhood and married an abusive man at 20. I was with him until I was, 33. I left him 4 years ago and am divorced. I have PTSD and lots of counselling and feel I have good boundaries now. But I am asking this because some female friends have made me question my new boundaries.

I have a dp. He is great. No issues there.

But when I was with exh, we worked together and worked with another man, Bob. Bob and exh were friends. I also got on with bob, though never socialised with him. Just got on with him at work. He was on my Facebook.

About a year ago he sent me a message asking how I was and that he hadnt heard from exh in a while. I told him we were divorced so no idea why he hadnt heard from him. We had a quick catch up and that was that.

This week he has been messaging. Started off with 'how are you?'. All fine. He then started telling me how great I was. I just said thanks then asked him about his son. He ignored that and started telling me he had always fancied me. I explained that I was seeing someone and only saw him as a friend, He seemed to accept that.

But he has messaged alot since, and if I dont answer straight away, he sends a 'are you ignoring me?' I told him I was busy. Then he asked me 'is there any chance we would get it together' I said no that we were friends and that it. 2 nights ago, he sent his phone number and demanded to have mine. Then kept sending me 'wish....text me right now'. It freaked me out.

I have had enough so blocked him on all social media. And blocked his old phone number, that I had when we worked together, just incase he still had it. And the new number he sent me even though I hadnt give him mine.

My best friend is fully supportive. But some of my other friends feel sorry for him and say he just obviously likes me and I ghosted him and that's not l decent behaviour.

From my point of view, I was clear it wasnt going to happen, was happy to be friends. Then he ignored that kept trying then got really really pushy. It's not a side of him I ever saw and think, he didnt deserve another chance and I dont feel guilty for ghosting him.

One girl even went as far as saying I need more therapy as it was an over reaction.

So I am asking here. You guys are the reason I got out of my marriage, so i do come here a lot for advice. Am I bitch for ghosting him? Do i need more therapy?

Thank you.

His behaviour was unacceptable, not yours.

When someone male I’m vaguely friendly with tells me what to do/nags me for a reply, and I tell them not to do it, and they do it again - I think they’ve asked me to block them. They don’t understand firm boundaries. Simple.

You didn’t ghost him. Ghosting is when two people are friends/ bf gf all seems to be going well but one of them suddenly cuts all contact with no explanation. This guy, who you have no relationship with, contacted you and ignored your reasonable answers until you’d had enough and blocked - if he can’t understand why after harassing you you’ve blocked him that’s his problem.

Thank you all.

I do need to assess my friendship boundaries.

Since I left exh and stopped speaking to my parents, my social circle has been my best friend, her husband and kids and her mum. They truly treat me as family. They have stayed with me, put me up in their homes. They are my family.

I have only, in the last few months, started socialising outside this. These friends are people I have been getting to know through the village I now live in. I moved areas and moved near my friend. They are people she knows. They arent deep friendships, just people we know from going in our local. If that make sense.

Its definitely made me take a step back from them. Ok to have chit chat with, in the pub on a friday. But not anything above that.

I did reach another milestone through this though. I was able to tell dp he got in touch and what happened. I would not have dared tell exh that a man, just a friend, had got in touch. He hated me even working with men. Dp was fine when he first messaged, no issue with me having male friends. When it got creepy, he didnt kick off or get angry or anything. He was just concerned I was ok. There was part of me that expected dp to blame me or accuse me of leading him on. Because exh would have.

I think life after an abusive relationship is so hard and wonder when/if it wont dominate my thinking when dealing with other people.

You were 100% right OP, you don’t owe this guy anything.

Lots of women are socialised to put aside their boundaries in order to be polite to men and put their needs first, and I think this applies to your friends. If you had carried on talking to this guy based on their comments, and he became more stalkerish or something, no doubt the same friends would also blame you for “leading him on”. You can’t win with people like that.

If they start on about this again, ask them why, as your friends, they are more concerned about the feelings of a man they don’t even know, who was creeping you out and not respecting your boundaries, over being supportive of you cutting someone you’re uncomfortable with out of your life. Why do they think you owe him your time just because he wants sex with you?

I bet there was a much earlier boundary with this guy that gave you the creeped out feeling where you could have cut him off even earlier.

I keep thinking this. I cant honestly think of a time where I ever felt uncomfortable around him. But I was in the midst of abuse. Maybe now, I have done so much work in myself, I would pick up on it.

My friend always says I am oblivious to men who fancy me. So it doesnt surprised me I never noticed he fancied me when I was married. I wouldnt have got with dp if it wasnt for her. Again, I didnt pick up the signs he liked me. Looking back now, it was obvious.

So, yes, I can imagine there was something I didnt see at the time.

Of course you did the right thing. Your 'friends' sound like a bunch of wet blankets.

I’ve had friends like this. They act as though you think you’re something special by having to block somebody. Massive generalisation but They’re often the types who are grateful for any male attention and probably accept all sorts of crap from guys.

Why do they think you owe him your time just because he wants sex with you?

Thats a really good point. I cant imagine ever talking to them about something like this again. They dont know my whole past. But they know I left an abusive relationship. Its not something I hide.

But it does sum up how I feel.

Why did he think he could just ignore what i said, just because he wanted to have sex with me?

And why do people think that's perfectly acceptable?

How far does that go? Should have have met up with him, had sex with him? Just because he didnt accept that, that's not what I wanted.

You did absolutely the right thing

You have good instincts as you know how shit men can be. He sounds a bit unhinged and stalkerish. Your actions were completely correct. No sympathy needed for a man who pressurises and bullies women, please!!!!

You absolutely did the right thing!

You said you could be friends, but he kept on pushing for something more. He seems needy and a bit stalkerish imho.

You shouldn’t listen to the “friends” who tell you you need more therapy.
You don’t need therapy. You sound like you have your head screwed on.

The fact that they had such a strong reaction to you blocking this guy says a lot about their relationships, or upbringing or what they consider normal. Thank god you have the awareness you have now. Can you imagine if you felt like them? You’d be in another abusive relationship.

You are awesome, OP.

Honestly, thank you all so much.

You are all here when I need a kick up the bum. I posted here before I left exh and you gave me the strength I needed. You also encouraged me when I was down. You also stopped me getting rid of Dp when we first started dating because I didnt what the have the 'where are we going' conversation.

And now made me realise that I should trust myself and renewed my faith in myself. Without you lot and my best friend, I dont know where I would be.

So thank you, honestly, thank you. Me and my son, are safe and happy. And alot orbit is because you were here when I needed you.

You are a beautiful person wishihad

Your friends clearly don't have your best interests at heart - I wonder if they enjoy you more when you're "having problems " and don't like it when you're free and independent and happy ? I"d be reviewing them .

You are in a relationship and your 'friends' wanted you to start chatting up another man? Is that right?

I wonder how many of them really are happily married and how many are knocking one another's husbands off behind everyone's backs.

You were absolutely right to block 'Bob'; he crossed so many lines it's incredible.

Definitely the right thing. He's very pushy, that would freak me right out.

Something tells me he already knew about your divorce etc.

How on earth were you meant to act, you say no, he keeps pushing but you remain in contact so he has even more reason to push. That's ridiculous.

You made the right call, go with your gut. That's the type of man that resurfaces and causes you bother.

I would definitely re-asess those friendships because often when we have toxic men around us we end up with a toxic friend or two as well and if youve explained to them the same way as you gave to us - they shouldn't be telling you you were in the wrong.

Often toxic people try to undermine our boundaries by making us out too be too sensitive or too harsh on others for exploiting our boundaries. Its not because they have the greater good in mind, its because they are jerks.

You absolutely were right to block that guy, if anything i would have done it sooner.

Can I just say that from your dp's behaviour with this he certainly sounds like a keeper. Well done of getting rid of that creep

You’ve done the right thing in blocking him.

One thing I wondered was was there any chance this could be your ex posing as his friend or using his friends account in order to stir up trouble for you?

Ah thank you @TheOnlySnot.

@Tiddlybups you might be right. Though I didnt know them when I was with exh, I think they do like when other people have drama.

@Zaphodsotherhead basically, yes. Though I am pretty sure they wouldnt be happy if their dp/Dh were talking to a female friend who kept pushing boundaries.

@Everafter1thank you. I know I made the right decision. I suppose I did already. But there was that niggling voice, questioning me. I suppose that's the voice that kept me with exh for so long. The one that tells me that i must be the one that is wrong.

@Pinkbonbon yes i will definitely step back from them. I think my best friend has also seen a side to them she doesnt like.

@Celticrose he is a good one. Definitely a keeper. He is really lovely.

@fonduefrolics this did enter my head. The way the messages read were not like I remember this man. But exh is very bad at maintaining friendships with anyone who isnt useful. So I do believe they wont have been in touch as they no longer work together. But the messages didnt read like how I remember him. But both accounts are long standing accounts and I do believe they arent in touch at all.

The only reason exh would have done it was to show proof to my now dp. Despite me not knowing dp until after I left exh and us not dating until after the divorce. Exh loves to tell everyone I cheated on him with dp. This is the man who started seeing someone a few weeks after we split up and moved in with her 12 weeks later.

Its not beyond the realms of possibility that exh has had a hand in this. But exh is also terrified of Dp. Dp is 6ft 4in and works in security and is broad shouldered. Exh is convinced dp will 'knock the shot out of him'. While DP could easily do that, he is actually very laid back and knows it would just end with him being arrested. Dp is very much the 'walk away where possible' type. I am just not sure exh would risk it.

Exh judges everyone by his own standards.