Standing by someone- potential bipolar

[TheMuteMoose]

Has anyone left a partner due to their bipolar and outbursts?

I am struggling with the guilt of leaving my partner.. he can be one of the most amazing men I have come across but also the most horrible, hurtful, hateful and spiteful person. I stood by him through out his therapy sessions, and he is in the process of seeing a doctors but I simply cannot take his outbursts any longer.

They are all aimed at me. He says the most hurtful things, he goes missing for days, he blocks my number only unlocking me to shout and give me abuse to then immediately block again so I cannot have my say. He has kicked me out only to cry and beg me to come back. He gets people to do “investigations” on me as e believes I am cheating.

Through out all of this I have tried to love and support him, help him through and try and remind myself what he says isn’t true.

I just can’t do it anymore and I have left. Only now to be guilt tripped, how could I do it? How could I not help him? Etc etc

I just hope I did the right thing

Blimey, I don't blame you at all! Are you sure that behaviour can be put down to bi polar and not to sheer nastiness?

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost and the best way to do that is to get away from him. You might need to get a restraining order if you are frightened after you leave.

Sorry, I meant to add, it would be good to keep a diary and a record of any communications in case you do need to get a restraining order.

Thank you Hollowtalk. I have kept screen shots of the really bad text conversations, where I am begging him to please be reasonable and calm and to try and think. He spent 2 days this week telling me to leave out rented home and never To come back and that he had made other arrangements.

I know so little about bipolar I am no sure if his behaviour is due to this or he is plain nasty. The bipolar isn’t actually confirmed it’s just what his therapist suggests.

He openly says I am the one and only person he treats like this and wouldn’t dare do it to friends or family

Do not assign a diagnosis he doesn't have.
Bipolar does not make people behave like that

Posted too soon soz!

I wouldn't put up with that behaviour whatever his issues. He can be bipolar and be an arsehole too.

Is he professionally diagnosed as having Bi-polar disorder? Is he on any medication? I would recommend getting him to the GP for a MH referral if you haven't done already and try and sort out some medicine, he sounds hard to live with so I'm sorry you're going through that. My partner behaves similarly- angry outbursts over nothing, cuts me off when talking and talks about him, tells me he wants to break up & he wants me to leave etc. It's very hurtful and hard to live with but when they're 'themselves' I'm reminded of why I love him again.

He hasn’t been officially diagnosed but therapist does strongly believe he has that but getting him to GP is proving difficult.

How do you deal with the behaviour if you don’t mind me asking? I have tried walking away, ignoring it instead of getting upset or angry back but nothing at all seems to matter till he is ready to snap out of it then it’s all tears and sorry.

The jealousy and insecurity is proving the worst, he genuinely believes I have cheated. I have no idea when or how I would even have the time, but he wouldn’t see sense. He kicked me out, gave me deadline to leave so this time I have. I can’t handle it any longer and now I have this over bearing guilt. He has said I haven’t given him chance to get help and he just over reacted etc.

Sounds more like borderline personality disorder over bipolar. Bipolar doesn't cause you to treat people like shit. Though 2/3 of bipolar people are also borderlines.

Often people with personality disorders claim to have depression or be bipolar to get you to feel guilty if you don't tolerate every bit of shit they throw at you.

@TheMuteMoose It's so hard isn't it, I've tried everything you mentioned but by far the worst is yelling/arguing back- don't bother you'll just upset yourself even more. I tend to leave him alone or compliment him/talk about his work etc as that appeals to his ego.

Mine almost never apologises, even if I cry. He just doesn't care I think and then when he's snapped out of it he's probably embarrassed and acts like I was overreacting/nothing happened.

I would say stay away from him for now and stay somewhere else, tell him you'll go to the GP with him (as it's important they hear your side of the story to get the best picture of how he behaves!) and you'll support him and still be with him but you won't be moving back until he's started a course of medication or some psycho-therapy.

It's really impacted my mental health, I'm on summer break atm but I can't wait to go back to uni in September! As even though we still live together then, I'm out the house most days all day.

Mine just snapped at me for using a knife to get rid of the ice in the freezer. Apparently I'm an idiot and I'll scratch the knife and he knows best so he's doing it now. Alongside other grumpy insults!

I'm going to go and buy a treat for myself and watch tv. You've got to be there for yourself otherwise you'll suffer badly too.

• might actually have been 3/4s now i think on it. Remember reading it and thinking it was an awful high percentage.

Either way, there's no excuse for being a shit and you shouldn't tolerate it.

Even if it turns out he does have a mental illness, that doesn't mean you have to stay with him because of it. Don't let him guilt trip you.

How long have you been together?

I'd think long and hard about this relationship OP, especially if you decide in the future that you want children. It wouldn't be fair to bring them into a relationship like that.

Presumely you only have his word for it his therapist thinks he's bipolar? The fact that he only treats you like this means he is picking and choosing his timing and behaviour. Which does not suggest bipolar! More like he's found a condition that matches his behaviour to you, and is using it as an excuse to guilt you. Therapist should not be diagnosing serious conditions, that is qualified doctors' area.

How long have you been together? Long enough to live together, which means he's had plenty of time to seek help!! You say he doesn't want to go to the gp, so he has no intention of getting real help. That's just bollox to suck you back in.

Guilt is a self punishing emotion. He obviously feels none about how he has treated you. He's abusive to you, not his friends, not his family, not his bosses. Just you! That should tell you all you need to know. He saves his insecurities, his anger, his paranoia just for you!!

You've done the right thing x 100! My advise would be to block, or at the very least read up on bipolar to realise how off his therapist' s diagnosis is. Also look into emotional abuse and how to free yourself from the cycle of Mr Nasty and Mr guilt-inducing it's-not-my-fault-I'm-ill! Then block after your eyes have been opened to the fact he's an abusive twat, whatever his excuses.

It's not up to you to seek help or a diagnosis for him. Look at how he's behaving - you deserve so much better. It's heartbreaking that you are concerned about him and he is so cruel to you.

Fuck no.

I don't know hope long you've been together, but no mental illness excuses abusing your partner.

I would fuck right off and if he wants me back he goes straight to the gp and gets his ducks in a row for diagnosis and appropriate treatment. In the meantime is be off living my best life and moving on, because there's a 99% chance he's Noor going to see through getting the help he needs and getting stable.

A friend of mine's partner of 8 years suddenly became horrible and was diagnosed with bipolar. She moved out for a few months and he is now stable and a decent kind person again now he's on meds and has stabilised. She was fully prepared to stay let if he didn't sort himself out

I have bipolar disorder, his actions are not part of the illness.

Bipolar disorder is about changes in mood - so I feel depressed, sad, etc.

CHARACTER is about how I act when I'm in that mood.

Bipolar makes him depressed; his shitty character means he takes that out on you.

People using MH issues to 'excuse' behaving like total dicks makes other people confuse the two.

I have never behaved like your DP

OP
Why on earth would you want to be 100 miles near someone who treated you like that

His diagnosis is neither here nor there.
He treats you appalling.

Move on with your life OP.

As a practical example of the difference - if I'm having a terrible day I will tell DH that I'm feeling shitty and tell him in a nice way that I need some quiet time because I'm feeling shitty, reassure him that I love him and it's not about not wanting time with him.

Then will take myself off to bed to sleep / watch iPad, etc.

That is one way in which a nice, normal, decent person deals with feeling shitty. It's not the only way but hopefully this shows what character has to do with it. I'm feeling equally as shit as someone who takes it out on other people around them, we both have bipolar disorder but one of us isn't a dickhead.

Lots of ignorance on this thread.

Bipolar does not make you nasty and abusive. Nor does borderline personality disorder (though those with BPD do have difficulty with emotional disregulation, so will struggle to manage their responses). And the comorbidity of the two conditions is less than 20%, nor 75%.

OP if you're unhappy with your relationship then you should leave. Irrespective of what condition he may or may not have, it's no justification for his behaviour, and you have a right to be happy.

Even if it turns out he does have a mental illness, that doesn't mean you have to stay with him because of it.

^ I also totally agree with this. No-one is obliged to put up with any crap behaviour or things that threaten their own MH because someone they love has MH issues.

Agreeing with all the posts saying you're under no obligation to stay with someone who has MH.

My DH has a diagnosed condition and I wont lie it's tough. He's very committed to managing it though and working with professionals. He's very aware that if he stops wanting to be well or his behaviour affects us too much that me and DC would not stay.

@wheresmymojo your comments really struck me. We have spoken in the past about him needing some space when he has had a rubbish day, but unfortunately if I do as he has asked he then thinks I am being funny with him. It really is a no win.

I am very sorry if anyone has taken any offence. I have no previous experience with MH issues, especially in a partner so I am going off what he is feeding me and also the small bits of Research I have done

I’m terms of him only taking this out on me he is very open about the fact he can be tearing me a new one, put me on hold to take another call and be completely normal then come back on to me and be so so horrible. He says this is down to him taking it out on the one thing closest to him. But why??

I have left, and I am now being inundated with calls and messages asking how could I leave, he loves me. He can’t imagine life without me. And begging me to give him another chance

My poor heart

I'm so sorry, it sounds horribly confusing.

However the very fact that he can be shitty with you and be normal with other people at the same time just goes to show that this is emotional abuse, not his mental health issues.

For your own sake you need to be strong with your boundaries. It is not acceptable to be emotionally abusive to someone. Ever. Irrespective of any MH issues.

If I were you I would communicate that to him and leave well alone. You can't fix his abusive tendencies. You can't fix his bipolar either.

TBH the fact he may have bipolar disorder is a red herring here. He is emotionally abusive.

As an aside if he has private medical insurance through work he should use this to get treatment. If not, he needs to go to his GP and start the process of being diagnosed and treated. He also needs to work with his therapist on the fact that he is emotionally abusive.

None of that is your problem though!

'But why?' Because he's a dick and didn't think you'd were smart and strong enough to leave him.

Well done on ending it. Stay strong op, you are doing the right thing. Don't let him guilt trip you back into an unhealthy relationship. If he does anything to make you feel he is at risk (tgreatening suicide is common manipulation tactic) contact his family/authorities to let them know and then block his number.

Tbh, if you have properly spoken to him and ended it-it might be wise to block him on everything now anyway. Give yourself breathing space.

"Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, says that believing abusers are mentally ill can be a “trap of misinformation,” that can lead, among other things, to victims believing their abusers will get better if they just get help for their mental illness.

“In my 30 years in the field, I’ve never seen significant lasting improvement from an abuser going to psychotherapy. If anything, things have gotten worse. He’s learned new ways to get inside the woman’s head, or new excuses.”
Abuse and Mental Illness May Overlap
Nancy Erickson, an attorney and consultant on domestic violence legal issues, researched this very topic some years ago. “I found that about half of abusers appeared to have no mental disorders. The other half had various mental disorders, including but not limited to psychopathy, narcissism, PTSD, depression and bipolar disorder.” However, she adds, “Domestic abuse is a behavior, not a symptom of a mental illness.”

www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-cannot-be-blamed-on-mental-illness